by Louisa Line
“Yes.” It comes out weak and girly and so not like me.
“Where are you?” he asks after clearing his throat.
I’m captured in his charm and can do nothing but reply to his commands. It feels sexual but also slightly strange, as I’ve never done anything like this before.
“The bedroom,” I reply through an exhale of breath.
“Go lay on the bed if you’re not already there. I want us to lay down together.” Again, it’s as if I am powerless to say no and I do as I’m told. “Are you there, Jessica?”
“Yes,” I reply. I have to fight the urge to move my hand down my body to between my legs. I don’t think I have ever been this turned on without a man being with me. But somehow, with Steve on the phone, it feels like he is.
“Good, now imagine I am in bed with you. Can you feel me?”
I close my eyes and turn on my side and imagine him holding me in his arms. I let out a small moan before I have time to stop it.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” he chuckles softly down the line, “Now close your eyes, Jessica, and imagine my hands moving gently over your body.”
I seem to have lost the power of speech as I let out another groan.
“Where would you like my hands to go next?” he continues, “Place your hand there, beautiful, and imagine it’s me. Remember, I am right there with you.”
I do as I’m asked and move my hand to where I desperately need to release pressure. I slowly start to move my fingers until the pressure builds so much that I let out a moan of pleasure. It’s not long till I hear heavy breathing down the phone and a grunt from Steve.
“Thank you,” I say softly down the line as I cuddle into my pillows and sleep takes over my body.
“Goodnight, beautiful.”
Tuesday 6th June
I wake up the following morning with the phone still next to my ear. From the other end of the line I can hear what sounds like the soft snoring of someone deep in sleep. I can’t believe I fell asleep with the phone on. There is something soothing about the sound so I put it on loud speaker as I lay on my back with my eyes closed, just listening. I realise how relaxed I am feeling and how different it feels to the tenseness I’ve had been for so long. Feeling contented, I snuggle down into my pillow and listen to Steve quietly sleeping.
I think I must have drifted back off to sleep as the next time I open my eyes I can hear shuffling next to me. I’m hit with a sudden wave of anxiety till I realise it’s coming from my phone. As I’m still in that slightly half-awake, half-asleep state it takes me a while to register that Steve must be waking up. I didn’t think I had made a noise, but I must have done.
“Morning, beautiful.” Oh my, could he sound any sexier with his slightly gravelly, just woken up voice? It seems to hit me in all the right places.
“Morning,” I reply.
“Did you sleep well?” Steve asks.
I’m suddenly feeling a little shy and I really don’t know why. It’s not as if we actually slept together, but somehow to me this feels way more personal than that. I feel like I shared part of myself with him last night and I realise that even with all my anxiety issues, the idea of that doesn’t scare me at all.
“Amazingly,” I reply truthfully as I stretch out on the bed, “You?”
“Best night’s sleep in weeks! May have had something to do with this gorgeous woman I had sleeping next to me.”
I can feel the blush creeping all over my body as I feel the need to confess something to him.
“That was the first time I’ve done that,” I reply shyly.
“What, fallen asleep?” he jokes.
“No, silly,” I reply smiling, “But yes, while on the phone. But no, it’s the first time I have ever done the other thing in front of someone. Well, you know what I mean.”
“Your first! I think I like being your first. I’d like to see how many more firsts I can have with you. I think I’m becoming addicted.”
The biggest blush ever comes across my face as I realise how much I like the sound of that, but I can’t help but be slightly disappointed that he didn’t say I was his first as well. My mind starts to go into overdrive wondering how many other women he has done this with. I actually start to feel jealous until I realise how stupid I am being.
“Don’t overthink things Jessica. You were my first too.” How did he know what I was thinking? I cannot believe the relief that comes over me at those words.
“I’ll be there at seven. Shall we go for Italian tonight?” he asks.
“Sounds good. I love Italian,” I reply, happily.
Monday 10th July
It’s been a little over a month since I started dating Steve and I couldn’t be happier. I still can’t get him inside the house, but that hasn’t stopped our nightly kiss with coffee. I still haven’t opened my eyes when we kiss but I am feeling more positive every day. Steve has been amazing and hasn’t pushed me at all.
I’m beginning to get frustrated with myself though. I really want to take this to the next level but don’t know how to do it. We are due to meet tonight and I want to do something special for him but I don’t know if I can follow through with what I’ve been thinking, so I decide I need to ask for help from the only person I know I can tell anything to.
Claire had been staying at her parents for just over a month too and even though she had now fully recovered from her virus, she hadn’t moved back home yet. She has seemed fine in herself and whenever I approach the subject she just replies that she is having an extended holiday, but I can’t help but think there is something she isn’t telling me. It’s just not like her to do this.
I pick up my phone and dial her number. It barely rings before it is picked up.
“Hey, I was just going to ring you,” Claire answers in a singsong voice.
“Great minds,” I reply smiling.
“So, what can I do for you? No wait. I can’t hold it in! Can I go first?”
“Sure,” I reply, a little surprised at the perkiness in her voice.
“OK, well, the parents are driving me slowly insane so I was thinking I should take a road trip and come down to your part of the world for a bit. What do you say?”
“Are you serious?” I can’t hide the shock in my voice as I was convinced she had forgotten with the amount of time she had already had off. “But what about work? They don’t mind you having all this time off?”
“Oh, don’t worry, it’s all sorted. What do you say?”
I struggle to contain my excitement. It has been so long since I’ve seen Claire and with everything that has happened over the last month I am in desperate need of some girl time.
“Sounds great! When are you thinking of coming?”
“Well, how does next week sound?”
“Perfect!” I reply. Claire has her own key so I don’t have to worry about getting the door and she never tells me when she is going to turn up so I just find her in my house. But, to be honest, we have been friends for so long that my anxiety doesn’t even register as having someone else in the house with Claire. It just feels right. Which reminds me of the reason I had called her, and where my somewhat crazy idea had come from.
There is a loud squeal down the line and then what I think I hear as a sob.
“You OK, Claire?” I ask concerned.
“Yeah, I’m just so happy. I’ve missed you honey,” she replies through a sob. This makes me even more concerned as Claire is not a crier. I decide to put this change of character to the back of my mind and deal with the more pressing matters regarding tonight and my plan.
“OK, I’ve missed you too. But I have to confess I did ring you for another purpose. I need to ask your opinion on something.”
“Sorry honey. I have totally taken over this call. What’s up?” Now this sounds more like the Claire I know.
“Well you know I’ve been seeing Steve.” I bite my lip not entirely sure how this is going to go.
“Yes, Mr Tall, dark and kissable.”
We both giggle at this.
“Yes, him. Well I want to take it to the next level, but I’m not sure if it will work.”
“What do you mean the next level? Jess, I don’t want to point out the obvious, but you haven’t even been in the same room as him for more than five minutes.”
“That’s the next level,” I reply flatly.
“Oh honey, your next level is very different to mine.”
“Well I kind of want that too, but I’m not stupid. I know I have to be in the same room as him to do, you know, that.”
“So, glad we’re on the same page, now spill!” Hearing the excitement in her voice gives me the confidence to carry on sharing my plan.
I talk through my idea with Claire who seems to think it’s not a bad idea. We are both aware that it’s not fool proof but as I said to her I am feeling confident that I am ready for this. It has been getting easier and easier to open the door with the coffee and I know we are taking longer on the kiss. Let’s just say it’s not a brush against the lips anymore.
It’s now time to put my plan into action, but I’m not really sure how to start. I must have gone to text him at least ten times in the last two minutes but can’t decide how to word it as I don’t want to get his hopes up if I can’t go through with it. I change my mind once again and just decide to see how the night goes before I tell him about my plan. I make my way to the shower as I go through the idea in my head again and realise I’ve forgotten to do the one thing I need to do, if there is any hope at all of this plan working. I dash through the flat and find the spare key I keep for emergencies and make my way to the door. I place my hand on the door handle and stop as a wave of panic hits me. I take a step back and carry out my breathing techniques with a breath in for four and a breath out for four. I do it again and place my hand on the door handle one more time, check the peep hole and seeing the hallway is clear I quickly place the spare key under the mat. I close the door quickly and start to walk away. I take around three steps and stop as an anxiety attack starts to build, I walk back to the door and start to open it. I stop and mentally slap myself for being so stupid. It’s just a key outside! What’s the big deal? I make my way into the bathroom and quickly look at my watch before I turn on the shower. Noticing I only have an hour to get ready, I quickly strip and get under the shower and feel my body start to relax as the water hits me. I close my eyes and tilt my head back trying to forget what could happen within the next few hours.
I’m sat on the bed looking over the 3 new dresses I got delivered for my date tonight. I’ve totally ruled out the yellow one as it doesn’t really go with my pale skin tone and dark hair. So, I’m left with a blue pencil strap full skirted dress that matches my eyes and a new ‘Little Black Dress’ that has a lovely flowing asymmetrical skirt attached to an extremely fitted bodice. I try them both on and settle for the one that shows off more leg, which I hope Steve will appreciate.
I’ve just about finished getting my makeup on when the intercom sounds. I rush to the door and answer, a little out of breath, partly through rushing to get to the door, but partly in anticipation of what could happen tonight.
“Hello,” I answer.
“Hey beautiful, what have you been up to? You sound out of breath.” I blush and decide I’m better off not sharing these thoughts with him just yet.
“Oh, just rushing to get ready. I’ve had a busy day,” I reply.
“Well, I can’t wait to hear all about it during our date. Now can you let me in? Our chips are getting cold.”
“Oh, sorry, yeah, come on up.” I reply and hope the nerves I am feeling are not coming through in my voice.
I press the buzzer and listen at the door for the elevator to sound. As I hear the now familiar ding, a kaleidoscope of butterflies takes flight in my stomach and my heart starts to pound. As I hear the familiar footsteps approaching I realise, that, yes, I am nervous, but the usual high level of anxiety that sits within me doesn’t seem to be there. I hear the rustle of a bag being placed on the floor and the footsteps leaving towards the elevator. As I hear the sound of the doors closing I quickly open the door and grab the food. I’m stopped in my tracks by the beautiful bouquet of flowers sitting on top of the bag. I pick up the flowers and the food and take them into the house. I pull the flowers up to my nose to smell and see the small card that has been placed inside them. I take the card out, open it up and read it.
I bought these as they made me think of you. Beautiful and perfect.
I realise that the plan I have for tonight has got to work. It’s now or never.
I quickly dish up the chips and place the plate outside the front door.
“Come on up,” I all but sing down the intercom, wanting to tell him my plan as soon as I can. I listen for the elevator and in no time at all hear the doors open, holding my breath as footsteps walk down the corridor and stop outside the house.
“Thank you for the flowers, they’re beautiful,” I say before he has a chance to say anything.
“Like I said, they made me think of you. Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady.”
“Steve, I need to tell, no, ask you something and I have to say it now before I back out.”
“What is it, Jess? You OK?” I instantly regret that I can hear worry in his voice.
“Yes, I’m fine. Great, in fact! It’s just…” Building up the courage to say it. I pause and take a breath. “Look under the mat.”
I hear shuffling outside the door and can’t help but wonder what he is thinking or if he has even found the key. The wait seems to take forever, but it can only have been a few seconds.
“Jessica, I don’t…”
“Let me explain. So, I’ve been thinking. You’ve been sweet, but this is driving me crazy.”
“Jessica…”
“No. Please, let me finish this before I can’t. I’ve been thinking a lot and I want us to have a normal relationship. Well as normal as you can have with someone like me.” I chuckle at this, but the other side of the door is still deathly silent.
“And I thought about how my friend, you know Claire, comes and goes from my flat and I’m good with this as I know her and I never have to answer the door as she has a key and she just turns up I never know when she is coming, so I don’t have a chance for my anxiety to build.” I know I am rambling but I can’t seem to stop.
“Jessica, are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?”
“Maybe,” I reply as I bite my lip hoping he understands what I am asking.
“Jessica, this means so much that you trust me with this, and there are no expectations. If you change your mind just say.”
“I won’t,” I reply softly shaking my head as I realise how much I really, really want this to work.
“Jessica?”
“Yes.”
“Eat your food! it’s getting cold.” We both laugh, but I don’t start to eat. My nerves are a mess and I really don’t think I can eat.
“Jessica. I don’t hear you eating. Look let’s take tonight out of the equation. But know when I do use this key, you will have no idea it is coming so I can surprise you.”
“Steve, have I told you how much I really like you?” I so nearly slip up and tell him I love him. But there is no chance I am going to ruin this perfect moment by scaring him off as even I know it is far too soon to be saying that.
“The feelings mutual, Jess, you are so addictive.” I blush again. Steve seems to have a habit of making me do that.
Picking up my fork I start to eat when Steve talks again and we fall into an easy conversation about our day.
“Oh, I almost forgot,” I say as we are reaching the end of our meal, “My friend Claire is coming down for a visit next week. You have got to meet her, as I know she wants to meet you. Any chance you could go for a coffee or something with her? I feel bad not being able to go out with her and I don’t want her to come here and just be trapped in the house when she comes to see me.”
“Anything for you,
beautiful. How is she?”
“She seems fine, but I don’t know, there’s just something…I don’t know, maybe I’m just imagining it. I don’t know why, but I have a nagging feeling there is something she isn’t telling me.”
“Maybe she’ll open up when she gets down here if there is anything,” Steve responds.
“I hope so,” I reply, “Coffee?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
I go to the kitchen and make the coffee as quickly as I can and go back to the door.
“Coffee’s ready,” I say as I place my hand on the door handle. It’s always at this time I have to pause and just hear Steve’s voice before I can work up the courage to open it.
“It’s OK, beautiful, you’ve got this.” That’s all I need. I close my eyes and turn the handle and open the door.
The coffee is taken from my hand and placed on the floor as I am pushed up against the wall by a large weight that I have learnt is Steve. He captures my lips between his and kisses me. I lean into his lips as he deepens the kiss and his hands start to roam over my body.
“This dress looks amazing on you, Jess.” he groans into my lips as he captures them again and kisses me.
By the time we pull apart, I am breathing heavily and have a wanting for more. As Steve pulls away from me I can tell, by the bulge that rubs against me, that he feels the same.
“Goodnight beautiful,” he says and I sigh as I move back into my flat. Taking the now cold coffee with me.
“Goodnight Steve.” I can’t help but sound just a little disappointed as I close the door and open my eyes. I turn around and stare at the door wondering if he is wishing as much as I was that the door wasn’t between us.
I hear his footsteps retreat back towards the elevator and the ding as the doors open. We have got into a habit of waving to each other before he turns the corner and I don’t plan on stopping it tonight. I get to the window and watch as he walks down the street to the end of the road. He turns and we wave as I sigh with regret. I know he said that coming tonight was off the table, but I couldn’t help but wish that it wasn’t.