by Бри Деспейн
AVOIDANCE
Trying to steer clear of Daniel became as difficult as running away from my own shadow.
Friday afternoon, he came into Brighton's Art Supplies while I was picking out a new set of hard pastels to replace the ones I'd broken the week before Thanksgiving. I waited until he was finished at the cash register and had gone before I took my box up to the front. When I pulled out my wallet, the girl behind the counter informed me that my "wicked hot friend" had already paid for the pastels.
"What if I don't want them anymore?"
She shrugged and snapped her gum.
I left the box on the counter.
"Are you sure?" she called after me like I was crazy. "You can keep them."
On Saturday, he was at the parish repairing a broken pew when I brought the bulletins from the copy shop to my father. I set them on his desk and left through the office door that led into the alley between the school and the parish.
Sunday morning, I saw him staring down at me from the balcony during Dad's sermon. And by Monday, I realized that running any errand seemed to put me in danger.
That afternoon, Dad sent me to Day's Market with a list of groceries. It was his turn to make dinner while Mom took a late shift at the clinic--something she'd been doing more of since Thanksgiving so she wouldn't have to leave James at day care.
I rounded the corner into the canned-goods aisle and literally bumped into Daniel as he crouched over a box of canned peas. He stood up and turned around. He wore a Day's Market apron and held a box cutter--the point of which was smeared with blood. He grimaced, and I noticed the back of his other hand was scraped with a long angry cut.
"Sorry," I mumbled, and tried to move around him.
He stepped in front of me and blocked my path. "Grace." The cut in his skin healed over as he put his hand on my grocery basket, stopping me from stepping away.
"We need to talk--alone."
I looked at the bloody box cutter he held against his apron.
The wolf seeks to kill what he loves the most.
"I can't." I let go of my basket, backed away, and ran out of the market.
Dad didn't question why I came home without the ingredients for chicken-fried steak. He made mac and cheese instead. Don, James, and I were the only ones who joined him for dinner anyway. And I wasn't surprised at all when Dad asked Don how Daniel was working out at the market.
"Real great," Don said. "Mr. Day's been so stressed about Jess, he needs all the help he could get. Lucky Daniel needed a job."
Or convenient, I thought--but it was Jude's voice that echoed sarcastically in my head.
I pushed away my plate. Daniel had cared for Maryanne. She made him feel safe and loved. And now that she was gone, he had a comfortable place to live. Daniel had never met James, but he loved this family. "Saving" James had made Daniel a hero in my family's eyes, if only for a moment. Daniel and Jess had been in the same grade for many years. She'd lived in Oak Park while he was there with his mom. And then she had moved to the city and lived there until she disappeared. I knew all too well from Daniel's admissions that I was not the first girl in his life. People always described Jess as "troubled." Wasn't that the kind of person Daniel said he'd sought out for companionship? Was it possible that he could have ever loved Jessica Day?
All I knew was that she was missing, and Daniel had a good job that let him fulfill the requirements for Barlow's class. Which meant he'd be able to stay in Rose Crest indefinitely.
Convenient. It was all too convenient.
But to what end? Were they random attacks on people he cared about? Or did they serve some purpose? Did they point in some direction?
Did they get him closer to ... me?
Something deep down in my heart told me my doubts about Daniel had to be wrong. Dad had read those letters. He knew that Daniel's inner wolf would target the people he loved, and still, he kept Daniel here. He helped him get that apartment. He helped him get that job. He wouldn't do these things if he thought Daniel was hurting people, or if he would hurt me.
But the thing was, I'd thought the same thing about Jude's accusations. I'd thought that if Daniel had truly tried to kill my brother, Dad would never let him near our family. But I'd been wrong about that. He helped Daniel, fully knowing what he'd done--what he was.
Was Jude right? Did Daniel have Dad under some type of spell?
Or did Dad just know something that I didn't?
GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE
I didn't know why, but I felt like I couldn't read the book of letters in my bedroom that night. Like the words that echoed off of them would be heard by everyone in the house. I drove to the library. It was almost closing time, but I settled into one of the scratchy orange couches, trying to push down the nerves that rumbled inside of me. I figured that if Dad really knew something that I didn't, then the answer was probably hidden in these letters.
My Sister, They have destroyed it. They have destroyed the great library!
The knights and their footmen have sacked the city. They have looted and plundered the great treasures. They have set fire to the library, destroying all I wished to learn. They call the Greeks heathens, jet our Knights of Christ are the ones who rape the city.
The smell of smoke and blood permeates my tent. I cannot abide it much longer. My vigor for a journey into the forest is renewed. I fear my writings of the true origins of the Urbat may be the only that exist after the destruction of the library. I must restore the documents of their secrets to atone for the sins of this campaign.
Thou may think me foolish, yet I will not be deterred.
God's love be with thee and Simon, Thy brother in blood and faith
Katharine--
We are betrayed!
I fear my Alexius is killed.
Our guides led us deep into the woods, and when it was close to nightfall, they took our horses and my twenty marks and left is stranded. Alexius was frightened when the howling encircled us. I do not know that has become of him. I do not recall how I made it back to my tent. My cloak is torn and bloody.
I fear I have been bitten. Something writhes inside of me. I must fight it. I must find the answers before the wolf devours my soul. Before it comes for thee, my most beloved
Even though Daniel was a monster, even though he could infect me, I still loved him. I wanted him to be innocent. I wanted him to be mine.
But Dad had given me this book when I told him about that love.
He told me to find the answers for myself.
But is this what he wanted me to know? That Daniel was drawn to kill me like this man to his sister? Did he want me to realize that loving Daniel was impossible?
That any idea of our ever being together was completely hopeless?
Because if that was his plan ... it had worked.
WEDNESDAY EVENING
Semester finals hit with a vengeance. I never did catch up with my studies in time. I struggled to push Daniel, Death Dogs, moonstones, and Jessica Day out of my mind. But in my religion and history classes, all I could think of was the Crusades. During my chem final, I wondered if Katharine's brother was ever able to find a moonstone for a necklace. It was nearly impossible to work calculus problems while wondering if Jessica was living or dead. And it wasn't possible for me to paint anything knowing Daniel was watching me from the back of the art room. So not only was my love life in shambles, my chances for college--for Trenton-- seemed just as hopeless as I turned in my jumbled English essay test on transcendental poetry.
At least it was the last day of school before Christmas vacation, and i'd have three weeks to recover before I had to face my parents with my report card. The dance was tomorrow, but tonight everyone was headed to the hockey game to blow off steam. As much as I wanted to be at the ice rink eating candied almonds with April, cheering for Pete, I couldn't bring myself to celebrate like everyone else.
I'd told Pete I was too tired to go out when he invited me to the after-party at Brett Johnson's. H
e looked so disappointed that I added, "Have to rest up for the dance, you know." He smiled and told me that I "owed him one." But even though I said I'd he spending the night in bed, I couldn't stay home, either. I guess that's how I ended up helping my father with his Wednesday night Bible-study class at the parish. I figured it would be the place I was least likely to run into Daniel. I should have known better.
I helped Dad pass out study guides and extra Bibles and then busied myself in the parish kitchen. I arranged Mom's fudge brownies on a silver tray and placed a mini candy cane in each individual mug of hot chocolate. The brownies were for later, but I passed out the cocoa to the cherry-nosed guests as they listened to my father's melodic voice reading from the Bible. His voice sounded like a lullaby, and Don Mooney's eyes looked heavy as I handed him the last steaming mug.
"Thank you, Miss Grace." He blinked, and took a sip.
I sat in the empty chair next to him. I was surprised Dad wasn't reading the story of Christ's birth the way he usually did this close to Christmas. Instead of mangers, and shepherds, and angels, he was reading the different parables of Christ. I found my own eyes getting a bit heavy, too, until I heard the outside doors to the parish creak open. Footsteps came down the hall, and I regretted not making a couple of extra mugs of hot chocolate.
"Let us move on to the prodigal son," my father said.
I flipped the pages of my Bible to Luke 15, and right on cue, the door opened and Daniel slipped inside the classroom. He breathed on his hands as he looked around for a place to sit, and noticed me watching him. I looked down at the open Bible in my lap.
Dad's voice went on without pausing. He read the parable of the father who had two sons. One son was good and steady and hardworking; the other took his father's money and squandered it on whores and riotous living. The latter son's life sank so low he decided to return to his father to beg for help. My dad read on about how the father rejoiced when his prodigal son returned, fed and clothed him, and called their friends together for a celebration. But the good son, who had stayed faithful to his father's teachings, was angry and jealous of his brother, and refused to welcome him home.
When Dad finished the last verse, he asked, "Why was it so hard for the good son to forgive his brother?"
His change of tone startled the audience. A few people looked around, probably wondering if the question was supposed to be rhetorical.
"Mrs. Ludwig," Dad said to the elderly woman in the front row, "when your son stole and wrecked your car last winter, why was it so hard to forgive him?"
Mrs. Ludwig colored slightly. "Because he didn't deserve it. He didn't even say he was sorry. But the Bible"--she tapped her worn, monogrammed copy-- "says that we must forgive."
"Exactly," Dad said. "We don't forgive people because they deserve it. We forgive them because they need it--because we need it. I'm sure you felt much better after forgiving your son."
Mrs. Ludwig pursed her lips and nodded.
My neck felt hot. I knew without looking, Daniel was staring at me.
"But why is it so hard to forgive?" Mrs. Connors asked.
Don blinked and snorted, snoring.
"Pride," Dad said. "This person has already wronged you in some way, and now you are the one who has to swallow your pride, give something up, in order to forgive him. In fact, the scriptures say that if you remain in your pride and choose not to forgive someone, then you are the one committing the greater sin. The good son in this story is actually in much graver danger than his prodigal brother."
"So should the prodigal be loved no matter what?" Daniel asked from his corner.
I shot up out of my chair. This was all just too much.
Dad gave me a quizzical glance. "Brownies," I said.
There was a collective "mmmmmm" from the audience as I left the room. Dad's lesson was probably cut short when I came back with refreshments, but I didn't really care. I wanted to go home. I cleaned up the napkins and gathered the empty mugs while the others milled around, talking about jolly things like presents and carols. Once the room was tidied enough, I went to my father and asked if I could take off early.
"I don't feel well," I said. "I'd like to get to bed."
"Finals burnout?" Dad chuckled. "You deserve a good night's rest." He leaned over and traced the cross on my forehead. "I promised to drive a couple of the ladies back to Oak Park, so I can't send you with the car. I don't want you walking home alone, though." Dad looked to the back of the room. "Daniel," he called.
"No, Dad. That's stupid." I felt a surge of anger against my father. The cross he traced on my forehead seemed to burn my skin. Why was he making this so hard on me? "It's not even that far."
"You are not walking alone in the dark." Dad turned to Daniel as he came up to us. "Will you be so kind as to walk my daughter home?"
"Yes, Pastor."
It wasn't worth protesting, so I let Daniel walk me into the hall. As the classroom door clicked shut, I stepped away from his side. "That's far enough. I can make it the rest of the way myself."
"We need to talk," Daniel said.
"I can't talk to you anymore. Don't you know that?"
"Why?" he asked. "Give me one good reason, and I'll leave you alone."
"One good reason?!" Was this the same person who'd told me he was a werewolf? Was this the same person who admitted doing those terrible things to my brother?
"Try Jude for one." I threw my arms up and stomped toward the coatrack near the exit.
"Jude's not here," he said, and came after me.
"Stop, Daniel. Just stop." I looked down at my coat buttons. Why wouldn't they go into the right holes? "I can't talk to you, or be with you, or help you, because you scare me. Is that reason enough?"
"Grace?" He reached for one of my shaking hands.
I shoved them into my pockets. "Please let me go."
"Not until I tell you ... You have to know." He wrapped both hands around his pendant, and said like it would solve every problem in the world, "I love you, Grace."
I stumbled back. His words felt hke a knife in my heart. They were everything I desired to hear, and everything I hoped he'd never say. And they couldn't solve a thing. I stepped away farther; my back butted against the large oak doors of the parish. "Don't say that. You can't."
Daniel dropped his hands. "You really are afraid of me."
"Isn't that what you wanted?"
He bowed his head. "Gracie, let me fix what I've done. That's all I want. All I care about is you."
I wanted to be able to forgive Daniel. I really did. But even with everything Dad said, I didn't know how. It's not like I could just flip a switch and forget everything he'd done to my brother. It's not like I could change the fact that loving me meant that something inside of him wanted to kill me. But it's not like I could just stop loving him, either--couldn't stop the aching to kiss him, to be with him.
How could I go on seeing him like this every day? I knew I'd give in eventually--I'd lose everything.
I pushed on the door latch. "If you cared, then you'd leave."
"I told your father I'd walk you home." "I meant for good, Daniel. You'd leave here for good."
"I won't let you walk alone."
"Then I'll call April or Pete Bradshaw," I said, even though I knew both of them were at the hockey game.
"I can take you," Don Mooney's voice boomed down the hall. He held a large fudge brownie in his fist, and there was a smudge of chocolate frosting on his chin. "I don't mind."
"That would be nice, Don." I pushed open the door. "Good-bye, Daniel."
Chapter Twenty-two
Alpha and omega
WALKING HOME
I clung to Don's bear like arm as I stumbled down the street. My breath created a thick, white fog around my face, and a migraine pressed behind my eyes--but that's not why I found it so difficult to see. I once would have never believed that I'd be happy to have him as my escort, but I silently thanked God that Don had been there to see me home.
"Are you gonna come with us on deliveries tomorrow?"
"No." I wiped at my face, trying to hide the tears I used to be able to stop myself from crying. "The Christmas dance is tomorrow evening. I have a date."
"Oh, that's too had." He kicked at the porch step. "I was hoping you would be there." "Why?"
"I wanted you to see," he said. "I bought thirty-two Christmas hams to donate for the parish."
"Thirty-two!" Why did that make my tears come faster? "That must have cost a fortune."
"All my Christmas money and then some," he said. "I wanted to help the needy instead of buying presents this year."
"That's great," I smiled because I knew that Don himself technically fit into the "needy" category.
"I have something for you, though." Don dug into his pocket. "Pastor says I should wait till Christmas, but I want you to have it now. I hope it will make you feel better."
He opened his giant fist and offered me a small wooden figurine.
"Thank you." I rubbed away the few tears that remained in my eyes and inspected the present. It was crudely carved, like what a child would make, but I could tell that it was an angel with flowing robes and feathered wings. "It's beautiful." It truly was.
"It's an angel like you."
I tried to hide a frown. The last thing I felt like was an angel after what I'd said to Daniel. "Did you make this with your knife?" I asked. "You didn't put it back, did you?"
Don looked around. "You still won't tell, will you? Promise you won't?" "I promise."
"You are an angel." He hugged me around the middle, squeezing all the air out of my lungs. "I'd do anything for you," he said, and finally let go.
"You're a good man, Don." I tentatively patted him on the arm, afraid of another bear hug. "Thank you for walking me home. You didn't have to."
"Didn't want you going home with that boy." Don grimaced. "He's a mean one. He does bad stuff and calls me 'retard' when no one's around." Don's face flamed red in the lamplight of the porch. "He's not good enough to be with you." He lowered his voice and leaned in like he had a big secret. "Sometimes, I think he might be the monster."