by Бри Деспейн
Don's accusation surprised me--but not the monster part. It made it easier to reject Daniel when I thought of his taunting Don.
"I'm sorry he treats you that way. But don't worry, I won't be hanging around Daniel anymore." I tucked the angel figurine into my dress coat pocket.
"Not Daniel. He does good work for your father and Mr. Day." Don shook his head and slumped down the porch. He stopped at the end of the front walk. "I was talking about the other one."
LATER THAT NIGHT
I was rooting around in the pantry for some ibuprofen, or anything that might make my head stop pounding, when I heard a howl from the front room. I ran to see what it was and found Charity watching her wolf documentary. It was the same part from before, with the two wolves savoring a fresh kill. It seemed extra morbid to me now.
"Why are you still watching this?"
"My final report's due on Friday," Charity said. Her middle school didn't get out for Christmas for another two days. "I wanted to get in a wolfy mood before I finished typing it up."
Wolfy mood. She had no idea.
I stood and watched the plight of the little omega wolf, desperate for food but being denied. My heart sank as the alpha lunged at his throat, taking him down into the snow, and snarled into his pleading face. Then the little omega rolled over and exposed his belly and jugular to the alpha--giving up. I wondered how anyone could survive being treated that way his whole life.
I thought of Daniel and his father. The way his dad had screamed and snarled at him for any little thing. I remembered how, when Daniel joined my family for dinner, he would stare reluctantly at his food while the rest of us ate--until my dad, joking, would tell him to stop being shy. I remembered all of his bruises. I remembered what it sounded like when his father beat him into oblivion for disobeying his rules about painting in the house.
How had Daniel ever survived his father's monster?
But then I realized that he hadn't. He'd let the monster overpower him. The pain had been too great, and he had rolled over and given up, too. That he'd lasted so long was a miracle.
And now he faced a lifetime as a monster himself. And even if he died, there was no escape. He'd be damned as a demon for all eternity.
I'd wondered if that was the fate Daniel deserved. But it all seemed different now, like looking at a Seurat painting from a whole new angle. Daniel had done something undeniably wrong. But did he have to live with that mistake forever? Couldn't he be redeemed? Couldn't everyone? That's what Dad taught with every sermon. It's the meaning of my name. Grace.
Or was it possible that some souls could not be saved? Isn't that what demons are? Fallen angels--damned to hell forever. Was Daniel's giving in to the bloodlust such an irredeemable act that he was now one of these fallen angels, too? But perhaps he wasn't actually a demon. Maybe the demon was simply inside of him. Was the wolf trapping Daniel's soul in its clutches, in some kind of limbo, keeping him from salvation?
Daniel said it himself: the wolf was holding his soul ransom.
So didn't that mean there was a price that could be paid? Was there something that could be done to free his soul and make him just like the rest of us? So grace could have him instead of the darkness?
Dad had said that he couldn't help Daniel anymore. It was out of his hands. But he didn't say it wasn't possible. He didn't say there wasn't a cure. He'd given me the book. He'd put it in my hands. He'd told me I had a choice to make.
I ran up the stairs to my bedroom and pulled open my desk drawer--the book was gone. My heart hammered into my throat. I pushed things off my desk, hoping the book was in among my schoolwork. I threw the pillows and blankets off my bed. It had to be here somewhere! Then I felt ultimately stupid and grabbed my backpack.
The book had been in there since I went to the library. I pulled it out, more brittle bits of pages sprinkling from the binding.
I carefully turned to the last letter I'd read. Half of it was missing--disintegrated in the hostile environment of my school bag. My dad and that priest were so going to kill me. I flipped to the second to last marked letter, one I hadn't read yet. Katharine's brother had come up with the idea of the moonstones. Had he found one in time to stop himself from going after his sister? Had he bought himself enough time to find the cure?
Oh, Katharine, I am lost.
The wolf has me in its clutches
My fingers curled around the hook. I wanted to throw
I smell the rage and the blood wafting from the city and I feel drawn to it. What has repulsed me in the past now whets my appetite.
The wolf preys on my love for thee. It tells me to return home. I am enclosing this letter with a silver dagger. If I come to thee as a wolf, I as that Saint Moon try to kill me.
I do not have the courage to dispatch myself. But Simon must not hesitate. He must thrust the dagger straight and true into the wolf's heart. It is the only way to keep thee safe. Saint Moon must protect our people from this curse.
Oh, Katharine! I know I should not ask, but alas, I must. If thou hast the courage, then let it be thee who plunges the knife into my wolf's heart. For I have learned from the blind prophet that the only way to free my soul from the demon's clutches is to be killed by thee. My inner wolf seeks to destroy the one I love for reasons of self-
preservation. For the only cure to free my soul is to be killed, in an act of true love, by the one who loves me most
And there it was--scrawled in faded brown ink across a yellowed page--the reason that, everything had changed when I told Daniel I loved him. It was the thing Daniel said he could never ask. The reason he said all those awful things the way he had--the reason he'd tried to scare me away.
He'd known the truth that night under the walnut tree. My father must have told him that afternoon. It's why Daniel was so distraught. He feared that there was no cure for him because he thought no one could love him. But I think what he really feared was that I did.
I was the one. And he could never ask me to kill him.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Truth
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
I sat with the book open in my lap until a small brown spicier crawled across the brittle yellow pages. The spider paused for a moment and then climbed up onto the back of my hand. I didn't flinch. I didn't brush it away. Its tiny legs pricked my skin as I let it wind up my arm.
The spider perched on my shoulder--only inches from my face. I scooped it up and cupped it in my hand. It would only take a slight flexing of my fist to smash it.
I imagined it squished in my palm: all brown and gooey and warm.
I shuddered and opened my hand a bit. The spider tried to scurry out of my grasp. I cupped it again, blocking its escape.
Killing was wrong. Isn't that one of those basic truths? Thou shall not kill, and all that commandment stuff. But that only pertained to people, right?
I thought of Mr. MacArthur and his spaniel's spring litter. I thought of Daisy, all runty with only three legs. She'd been so tiny, so helpless. Mr. MacArthur had wanted to put her down--for her own good. That had seemed so wrong to me. But maybe he was right. Maybe she would have been better off going out that way. Better than being ripped to pieces by my next-door neighbor. By the Markham Street Monster.
But then she wouldn't have been my Daisy.
The spider twitched inside my hand. Wasn't it okay to kill a pest? To kill something dangerous? A beast? A monster? That was the real difference here, wasn't it? Daniel had a demon inside of him. And the only way to kill the monster was to kill him. It was the only way to save his soul.
But would I be the one who went to hell instead? Would I lose myself?
I shook my head. Katharine's brother wouldn't have asked his sister to do such a thing if that were the case. He wouldn't trade her soul for his.
At least, I wouldn't think.
I walked to the window and pushed it open with one hand. I pulled out the loose screen, climbed through the window, and crouched on the eave of
the roof in the bitter night wind.
The spider was restless in my hand, twitching and fluttering its legs against my skin. I felt a sudden sting in the middle of my palm. My fingers flinched inward. I wanted to smash it. But then I hesitated and opened my hand and dropped the spider. I watched it scuttle across the shingles and out of my reach.
A small red lump rose in the middle of my hand. The stinging was only slight compared to what I felt inside. I loved Daniel. I was probably the only person who had ever loved him so much. And that made me the only person who could save him. But what he needed me to do was impossible. I'd lived without him before, and I thought I was prepared to do it again when I told him to leave town.
But how could I let him die? How could I be the one who killed him?
I looked up at the almost-full moon that hung over the walnut tree. Through my blurry eyes, it seemed too bright and strangely colored--a blood-red moon. I wished on it then like I had when I was kid. I wished this responsibility could pass to someone else. I wished for another way. I wished for a world free of darkness.
But I knew those wishes couldn't come true. So I wished for something different.
I wished for time.
Chapter Twenty-four
Always
THURSDAY
As terrible as the truth was, there was something restful about it. Like knowing the answers finally calmed my brain enough for me to sleep peacefully for the first time in weeks. I woke up to a rustling sound. I assumed it was the wind and rolled over on my blanket less bed and saw the book lying open next to me, I wondered why, if the clock said it was only 2:00 a.m., it was so fight out. I got out of bed and pulled my blinds open. The sun glinted off the walnut tree, and I realized it was afternoon.
Something rested inside my windowsill--a white cardboard box, like something you'd put a present in. My name was written across the top. I picked it up and was surprised by its weight. I backed away from the window and pulled off the lid. There was a note on top of a large paper-wrapped bundle. I recognized the handwriting from my childhood.
Gracie, You are right, if I love you, then I should leave. I have already caused so much damage to your family. Staying only puts you all in greater danger. I do love you, so I will go.
But I wanted you to see that I've been trying to make things right. I don't just come here to ruin your life. Will you please given this to your father? If I tried to give it to him in person, he would take it. I wanted to fulfill my of ligation. But it would to wring to stay until I had it all. I've kept only a small amount to buy supplies. I'll send more when! Eart it.
Please tell Jude that I am gone. Tell him I will never return for his sake, and yours.
I'll love you always, Daniel
I dropped the note and un wrapped the bundle. It was stacks of bills--thousands of dollars to replace the money he'd stolen from the parish. This was Daniel's mysterious "obligation."
How long must it have taken him to earn it back?
But more important, how long had this been in my room? Was Daniel gone already?
I ran down the stairs to Dad's study, hoping he would know where Daniel might go. The room was empty. I realized that even though I didn't have school, it was still a weekday. I bounded to the kitchen, where Mom was paying bills at the table.
"Where's Dad?" I practically shouted. "Is he at the parish?"
Mom raised her eyebrows. "He and Don went out to the shelter."
"What? I thought that was tonight."
"Don got called for an extra shift at the market tonight. He didn't want to miss delivering his hams, so Dad took him early."
"When did they leave?"
"Ten minutes ago."
Urrgghh! I wouldn't be able to reach him for at least another twenty minutes. "Would it kill us to buy a couple of cell phones?!" I shouted, and threw up my hands.
"Grace!" Mom dropped her checkbook.
"Seriously. Life would be so much easier." I grabbed the minivan keys off the hook and went to the garage door.
"I need to pick up Charity from school," she called. But I didn't stop.
I drove in the direction of Oak Park. Too bad I didn't have a superhuman sense of smell--I could just follow Daniel's scent. I was halfway to Maryanne Duke's when something told me he wouldn't still be at his apartment. I flipped an illegal U-turn and headed toward Main Street. He said he needed supplies. Maybe he'd be at the market.
I parked the van behind a motorcycle in the lot. Was that the same bike we rode into the city that night? If so, it meant Daniel was planning on taking off to somewhere far away--far enough that he wouldn't just run on his own two feet. Far enough that I wouldn't be able to find him.
I ran into the store, passed several kids from my school picking up their dance flowers at the floral counter, and went straight up to Mr. Day at the cash register.
"Have you seen Daniel?" I asked, interrupting Lynn Bishop, who was purchasing a red rose boutonniere and bottle of hairspray.
Mr. Day looked up from the register. "He just quit, dear. I think he's headed out of town."
I swore--not quite under my breath.
Mr. Day cleared his throat. "He may still be in the back. I asked him to--"
But I was already headed for the door marked employees only. No one was in the back room, but I noticed a door that led out to the parking lot. I bolted outside just in time to see a helmeted driver cruise by on the motorcycle.
"Daniel!" I shrieked, but my voice was nothing against the roar of the engine as the bike sped away. "Don't leave."
The world closed in on me, spinning. I had no more breath in my chest. My knees felt soft. I wished for something to grab on to--to keep me from falling.
But then I was being pulled up instead of sinking to the pavement. Strong arms wrapped around me. Warm breath tangled with my hair.
"Don't leave," I said.
"I'm here, Grace," he said. "I'm here."
A FEW MINUTES LATER
Daniel held me until I could breathe again. The only thing obscuring us from the full view of everyone on Main was a stinking Dumpster, but I didn't care. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.
He kissed me back. His lips firm but yielding, hard yet soft. He was holding back--keeping me safe.
I cupped my hand over the warm stone pendant of his necklace, holding it tight against the nape of his neck as I looked him straight in his dark brown eyes and said, "I love you."
Daniel's hands pressed against the small of my back, pulling me hard against his body. He kissed me deep and strong. My knees melted softer than before.
He pulled back slightly, his eyebrows furrowed. "Do you know what that means?"
"Yes. It means I'm the one who can cure you."
He pulled away. "No, Grace. I'll never ask you to do that. I can't possibly ask you to kill ..." He shook his head. "And it's too dangerous."
"I don't care. I'll do it."
"Grace, we're not talking about a little prick with a knife and a little blood on your end. You'd have to kill me."
"Don't act like I haven't thought this through."
"Have you, Grace? Do you realize it's not just me you'd have to kill? The letter said to plunge the knife into the wolf's heart. I'd have to be in full wolf form, and that would be too dangerous for you. I'd rather go to hell than ask you to do that."
I stepped back for a second, creating a gap between us. I hadn't thought that through. I hadn't even considered any physical dangers on my end--staring down a werewolf that knew I wanted to kill it.
I stepped closer to him again. "You won't have to ask." I took his hand in mine. "I'd do anything to save you."
"Anything?"
"Yes."
"I won't let you. I can't..."
"Then why did you stay? Why didn't you leave as soon as you knew what the cure was?" "Because ..."
"Because this is what you really want. You hoped I'd come to reah'ze that this is what you need."
All this time, I'd been try
ing to fix Daniel--save him--but you can't save someone unless he wants to be saved. I understood that now. Like I understood a lot of things.
I squeezed his hand. "If this is what you want, then let me do it for you."
Daniel looked up at the sky and scratched behind his ear. "You really are one of a kind. I mean, it's not every day my girlfriend offers to kill me."
"Girlfriend?"
That wry grin slid across his face. "That's the part you question? Man, I should leave town before I really screw you up."
"You can't go anywhere."
"Right, 'cause we've got to go find a nice quiet place where I can turn into a werewolf, and you can run a knife through my heart."
"Don't say it that way."
Daniel looked down at our entwined hands. "And it doesn't bother you? You'd be perfectly line with ending my life?" His voice became bitter, "You'd go on with your life as normal? Keep dating guys like Pete, go to Trenton without me, become some famous artist and never give me a second thought. You'd be fine with all that?"
"Yes," I said.
He pulled out of my grasp.
"I mean, no ... I mean, of course it bothers me. It will bother me when the time comes. But the rest of it doesn't have to he like that. You can do all those things with me--
not the date Pete part, of course. But it's not like I need to kill you right now. We can--"
"You don't understand." He wouldn't look at me. "I either need to die, or I need to leave--today. Before tonight. Before I cause any more damage ..."
I brushed my hand down his cheek.
He flinched away.
"You didn't hurt those people," I said. "Maryanne, James, Jessica Day. It wasn't you, right?"
Daniel fingered his necklace. "No. It wasn't me."
"You've got that moonstone necklace. You can live a ... semi normal life. You can even use your abilities to help people if you want. We don't have to do it today.
Eventually, yes ... but not right now." Putting it off, not really having to face the reality of it all, was the only thing keeping me sane. "That's why you can't leave me. We need to stick together so I'll be there when it needs to be done. Just give me more time, and then I'll free your soul before you die."