Z14 (Zombie Rules)

by Achord, David

  “I tested the waters with Kelly the other night. She made it clear she wasn’t interested. I don’t know what I’m going to do Hoss, but this ole boy needs a woman.” He stood and stretched. I understood how he felt, but I didn’t know how to rectify the situation.

  “What about Rhonda?” I finally asked. He glanced at me.

  “You know, I happened to catch a peek of her coming out of the bath tub one morning, and let me tell you Hoss, she has one fine looking body on her. Fine enough to say you’d drink her bath water just for a taste of it, if you know what I’m saying.”

  I laughed at him. One thing was for certain, you never knew what was going to come out of Rowdy’s mouth.

  “But, she’s like a broody hen over those kids. It’s kind of weird how she obsesses over them.” Rowdy looked around. “How much longer are we going to wait on them?” He asked.

  I stood and stretched as well. “I guess they’re not coming. Let’s get the hell out of here.” We got in the truck and I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. “Let’s run by the radio station and see if Rhonda needs a bath.”

  Big Mac. How do I properly describe the woman? She worked as hard as any two men. The radio station now had a zombie pit completely surrounding the property, there were gardens planted, there were four truck trailers parked behind the house, which were being used for storage, Somehow, she had located multiple types of construction equipment, anything from a bulldozer to a road grader. They were now neatly lined up beside the trailers. And she’d done it all herself, while the Rhonda and Wanda duo did a lot of sitting around the house.

  “Let me show you something Zach.” She said, and led me to the trailers. She opened them. “I’ve been going through all of those trucks abandoned on the Interstate and found all kinds of stuff.” The trailers were full of goodies.

  “I’m totally impressed.” I said with a chuckle. Mac grinned broadly.

  “Have you had any visitors lately?” Rowdy asked.

  “We’ve had a few people stop in.” Mac replied. “They don’t have much to trade, they’re mostly interested in a free meal, and then they drive on. I’ve caught a couple of zombies in the pits. I shot ‘em and burned ‘em, just like you said to do.”

  I smiled at her with pride. She continued talking to Rowdy and I walked to the house. The two women were hanging up wet clothes, while the three little girls were running around the yard playing. “Hello ladies.” I said.

  “Hello, Zach.” Rhonda said with a warm smile. Wanda glanced at me and grunted a hello.

  “Are you here to help, or chew the fat?” She asked gruffly as she secured a pair of pants on the clothes line. I grabbed some clothing and handed articles to her as she pinned them to the line. “I don’t know why you brought him here.” She said as she nodded toward Rowdy.

  “Are you ever going to forgive him?” I asked. She gave me a look and scoffed.

  “He’s miserable over what happened. He was quite smitten with Cindy you know.” I said and handed her a pair of large panties. She snatched them out of my hand and hung them up.

  “He should be miserable. He killed my only daughter.” She huffed.

  “It was a mistake, Wanda. Was it shortsighted? Yes, but he had no ill intent.” I offered. She responded with a brief glare. We worked through the rest of the laundry basket in silence.

  “What kind of work did you do for a living?” I asked her. She gave me a look.

  “It’s about time you got around to asking.” She said. I looked at her and waited for a response. “I was a midwife.”

  I think my jaw dropped. Wanda glanced at me with a hint of a smug grin.

  “I got your interest now, I bet.” She said. “Up until now, you’ve been thinking all this time I was worthless.”

  “Not at all, I just thought you were a bitter old woman.” I said before I could help myself. She responded with a chortle.

  “You’ll want this bitter old woman’s help when Julie gives birth, I’m betting.”

  “You would be correct.” I said simply. She gave me a look with her lips spread. Some people might have called it a smile. I would’ve disagreed with them.

  “Nothing’s for free around here.” She said. Rhonda looked over at me and rolled her eyes.

  “I understand. Think about what would be an appropriate payment and consider yourself hired.” I said.

  Wanda quickly pointed at Rowdy. “His head on a platter.”

  “Wanda!” Rhonda said, and shook her head in disgust.

  “Something reasonable, Wanda.” I replied. She looked at me as if her request was perfectly reasonable. “Think it over. Now, changing the subject, I’d like to buy a radio ad.” Wanda stopped hanging up clothing and looked at me.

  “Hang on.” I said, went to the truck, and came back with a large plastic bag of peppermint candy canes, I had found in one of the cars we searched. I handed it to Rhonda.

  “We’ve not seen anyone from Fort Campbell since March. I want you guys to ask in your daily broadcasts if anyone has been to Fort Campbell or have been in contact with any of their personnel. If they have, ask them to contact us and tell us how they’re doing. Also,” I pulled a sheet of paper out of my pocket. “I want you guys to warn people about the zombie’s change of behavior. I wrote down the changes we’ve observed.”

  “We can do it for free, Zach.” Rhonda said quietly as she looked at my notes. Wanda glared, but Rhonda ignored her. I smiled.

  “I know, but I bet the kids will love those.”

  Rhonda returned my smile warmly and gave my arm a squeeze. “Thank you, Zach.” She walked off to where the kids were playing. I watched her walk away.

  “Does she ever wear anything besides those plain dresses?” I asked Wanda. She looked at me as if I asked some sort of perverted question. “Forget it.” I said.

  “Are you bedding Kelly now?” She asked. “If you are, there’s no need looking Rhonda over. You’d think two women would be plenty for you.” I looked at her and sighed.

  “We’re never going to have anything other than this acrid relationship, are we Wanda?” I asked. She responded with a grunt.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Are y’all coming over for dinner?”

  “We’ll be there around four.” She said curtly, and started in on a second basket of clothes.

  “Okay, I’ll tell Julie. You two can talk over her upcoming birth. Think over how much it’s going to cost me.” I said, and walked away without waiting for a response.

  Chapter 59 - Frederick

  Us men were summarily ousted from the house for the duration of the birth. We sought solace on the back patio. Rowdy broke out a bottle of something, but I was in no mood to drink. Bo was having a good time cooking some bar-b-cue on the smoker. Fred had Prancer tied to a tree in the back yard. She was contentedly eating grass while Joe brushed her.

  “How long has it been now?” Rowdy asked. I glanced at my watch.

  “Her contractions started right after breakfast, so, about eight hours now.” I said and looked over at Fred and Bo.

  “You two were fathers. How much longer should it take?” I asked them. Bo grinned and shrugged his shoulders.

  “It’s hard to say, Zach.” Fred said. “Some women give birth quickly, some women take a while.”

  “Yep.” Bo added. “My first child took all day. The second one popped out in no time.”

  I resisted the urge to start pacing, and sat silently, but I was getting the urge to go out and shoot something. Rowdy went to his bus and came out a minute later with a guitar.

  “I thought I’d play a little to pass the time. Do you have any requests, Hoss?” He asked.

  “No, I can’t think of anything.” I said.

  “Do you know Classical Gas?” Bo asked. “My ex-wife really loved that song.”

  “In fact, I do.” Rowdy replied. He took a minute to tune the guitar and then launched into a flawless rendition of Mason William’s timeless masterpiece. He moved his fingers along the
fret board smoothly and seemingly without effort. When he was finished, we applauded.

  “That was beautiful Rowdy.” I said.

  “Why thank you, Hoss.” He replied with a grin. We were interrupted by the back door opening. Andie popped her head out and told me to start the generator. She started to duck back inside, but I stopped her.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “We need hot water to clean up.” She answered. “It’ll be about thirty more minutes.” She grinned at me. “Everything is fine Zach, you’re a daddy.” Then she ducked back in the door before I could ask any further questions.

  It took a long half hour before she stuck her head out again and motioned me inside. I jumped up and hurried in.

  All of the women stopped talking and looked at me when I walked in. Julie, sitting in bed, looked like she had been rode hard and hung up wet, but when she saw me, she gave a glowing smile. She was holding a little bundle of something swaddled in a baby blanket.

  “Would you like to hold your son, daddy?” Julie asked teasingly, and held him out. Wanda immediately stood up and took the baby before gently handing him over to me.

  “Now, you hold him exactly like this.” She chided, and showed me how to place my hands. I’m pretty sure I knew how to properly hold a newborn, but I held my tongue. I held my newborn son as Andie rushed into the room with a hairbrush.

  “Everyone wants to come in and see.” She said. “So we need to get you looking good.” Julie smirked, bet didn’t protest as Andie brushed out her hair.

  Everyone came in and circled the bed. There were the usual sentiments said and I nodded in thanks.

  “Well Hoss, you’ve never told us what his name’s going to be.” Rowdy said. I looked around at them all.

  “Julie and I had a pretty good idea from the start what our baby’s name would be if it was a boy.” I held up my child. “Everyone, please say hello to Frederick Zachariah Gunderson. And, by the way, I’ll most likely call him Rick.” Everyone voiced their agreement and patted me on the back. I looked over at Fred. He gave me one of his patented nods, and even grinned a little bit.

  Chapter 60 – An Overdue Reunion

  I glanced at Tommy as I drove. His face was covered in acne, his hair was unkempt and stringy, and he looked malnourished. He stared blankly out of the window, as if in shock.

  “How are you doing, Tommy?” I asked. It was as if he didn’t hear me, he kept staring out of the window. I drove past the charred remains of a mound of bodies, found a safe spot, and stopped the truck. “Tommy, look at me.” He slowly turned his head, stared at me a second, and then burst out in tears. I put the truck in park and held him tightly. The realization of being raped was hitting him with full force now.

  “It’s okay, buddy. It’s going to be okay.” I continued holding him while he cried long and hard. It lasted for well over thirty minutes. I held him quietly, letting him get it out of his system. His crying was only interrupted when Julie’s voice came over the CB radio.

  “Come in Saigon.” She said. Tommy looked at the radio, and then looked at me in confusion.

  “They’re calling us.” I picked up the microphone. “I’m here, heading back.”

  “I need you here in forty-five minutes. Don’t be early, and you better not be late, or else.” She said. In spite of Tommy’s pain, I couldn’t help but grin at Julie’s menacing ultimatum.

  “10-4.” I acknowledged. “I’ve got to stop by Fred’s place first and then I’ll be there.”

  “Fred and Joe are over here.” She said.

  “I just have to pick something up and I’ll be right there, in forty-five minutes.” I said and signed off.

  “Who was that?” Tommy asked. I looked at him.

  “That’s Julie, your sister.” I said. Tommy looked at me in troubled confusion.

  “Mom said she was dead.” He finally said.

  That bitch, I thought. She probably said it to Tommy so he’d stop asking about her. It was a cruel thing to do.

  “No Tommy,” I said quietly. “She’s very much alive, and she’s going to be thrilled to death to see you.”

  “You’re taking me to see her?” He asked, wide-eyed.

  “Damn right I am. You two have been apart far too long. But first, we’re going to stop by a friend’s house and get you cleaned up.”

  Tommy took a quick, cold shower and toweled off. I gave his backside a look and handed him a tube of Neosporin.

  “Alright buddy, you’ll need to use this for a couple of days. It’ll help you heal up.” The Neosporin would, hopefully, prevent any infection, but I had nothing to prevent any possible STD exposure.

  “Why did he do that to me?” Tommy asked plaintively.

  “Because, he was an evil person, they both were.” I answered. “You don’t have to worry about either one of those assholes anymore, right?” I asked.

  Tommy nodded. “You killed them, and set them on fire.”

  “Yep, and they never had a chance to tell anyone what was done to you. So, we’re going to keep it between us. Nobody else knows, and nobody else needs to know.” I said. Tommy nodded gratefully, and thanked me when I handed him some of Joe’s clothes. “These should fit you. They’re some of Joe’s clothes. I’m sure he won’t mind. You’ll meet him shortly. I bet you two will turn out to be good friends.”

  “Where is Joe?” Tommy asked as he started getting dressed.

  “He’s at my house with everyone else.” I looked around conspiratorially. “They’re throwing me a surprise birthday party. I’m not supposed to know about it.” I grinned at Tommy and winked. He grinned back.

  “I won’t tell anyone.” He promised. “Is Julie there?”

  “She is, and we’re going to surprise her when she sees you. How does that sound?”

  “It sounds awesome.” Tommy said. I put an arm around his shoulders in a brotherly hug.

  “There’s a lot to tell you buddy. For one thing, I’m now your brother-in-law.” I said. Tommy looked at me blankly. “I married Julie, so that makes me your brother-in-law.”

  “Oh, cool!” He said.

  “It gets better. You’re an uncle too.” I said with a smile.

  “How’d that happen?” He asked.

  I took a deep breath. “I’ll let Julie explain it.” I looked at my watch. “We better get going, or else we’ll catch hell.”

  Everyone shouted the customary ‘surprise’ when we walked in the door. I dropped my jaw and acted as if I were truly surprised. Simultaneously, everyone seemed to see Tommy at the same time and a hush came over the room.

  “Oh, my God” Julie gasped, handed little Rick to Rhonda, and rushed over to where we were standing in the doorway. Grabbing Tommy by the shoulders, she looked at him a moment, and then burst out in tears. This caused Tommy to burst out in tears as he grabbed his big sister in a tight hug. Curly ran up to him with his tail wagging in recognition. I spoke up.

  “Everyone, this is Tommy, Julie’s little brother.” There was a collective gasp as everyone murmured their surprise, gathered around, and welcomed Tommy. I slipped out of the way and stood off to the side. Andie walked over and stood beside me.

  “I didn’t know Julie had a brother.” She whispered. I glanced at her.

  “Yeah, it’s a long story.” I whispered back. “So, what birthday present did you get me?”

  “A blowjob.” She whispered and grinned mischievously at me. I laughed and put my arm around her shoulders. “When is Julie’s birthday?” She asked.

  “March seventh.” I replied.

  “Did you do anything for her?” She asked.

  “Oh, yeah.” I replied with a grin. Julie broke her embrace with her little brother long enough to looked at me with tears of joy in her eyes. I gave her a wink.

  We had a large dinner, and afterward, I sat in a chair holding my son while everyone chitchatted. Julie, understandably, devoted her attention to Tommy. She peppered him with questions about where he had been and what their mother
was up to. Little Rick decided to go boom-boom at some point, so I quietly walked into the bedroom and changed him. I started to walk out when I saw Wanda standing in the doorway watching me.

  “I thought you might need some help.” She said.

  “I was a little clumsy at it, but managed to get it done.” I replied.

  “You did better than I thought you would.” Wanda said and disappeared down the hallway. I guess it was her way of complimenting me.

  When I walked back to the den, everyone was waiting on me. Julie directed me back to the chair. “Time for your presents.” She said cheerfully.

  “We’re doing something a touch different.” Rowdy said. “A physical present from each of us to you was too hard to figure out. Whenever you want something, you just go out and find it, which can be damned annoying.” Everyone chuckled in agreement.

  “So, we decided to do testimonials instead.” Julie said. “I’m going first.” She looked around. “When I first met Zach, I’d gone without a bath for a few days, so I was a little self-conscious. Later, even though Tommy loved him from the very first, I thought he was an arrogant prick.” Everyone burst out in laughter.

  “Ditto.” Wanda added. Everyone laughed again.

  “In fact, he and Rick summarily kicked us out of their house with the threat of bodily harm.” She said smiling. “So, I hatched an evil plan to make him find me on the streets and fall in love with me. And it worked!” She smiled sweetly while everyone laughed.

  “I’m next.” Andie said. “When I first met Zach, I called him an idiot and a dumb shit.” More laughter. “Now, I’m convinced he’s the smartest person I’ve ever met, and I’m eternally grateful to him for everything he’s done for me.”

  “When I first met Zach, he’d recently been in an unpleasant disagreement with some folks who meant to do him harm.” Fred said. “I was very impressed with him and how protective he was toward Julie. I grew to love them both as my own family. Now, I consider all of you my family.” Everyone agreed and clapped. Rowdy spoke next.