Once I’m back in my room I check my cell phone, I have just one text:
Dolly: You’re in big trouble when you get back.
Me: Yeah. I know.
I kick my shoes off and perch on the edge of my bed, my body starts to shake violently, the full weight of what happened today hits me and I can’t get the convulsing under control. Great big heavy loud sobs escape from me and I start to feel my vision go fuzzy. Within a minute or two I feel arms wrap around me, hugging me saying “Ssshhh, just breathe,” Chris is here, he’s come to save me from dealing with it on my own. It’s as if he sensed I was on the verge of breaking down and knew I’d need the comfort.
“Oh my g…g….God.”
“I know, hey, come on we’re OK, take deep breaths,” he holds me closer trying to make me feel protected and safe, it doesn’t work and after a few minutes he leans me back on the bed and wraps himself around me to give me maximum comfort.
“How…how…d….d you get in here?”
“We got an extra key for your room, we suspected it’d hit you later. I heard you through these thin as shit walls,” he’s rubbing my back and I’ve got my head tucked into his neck seeking comfort.
This is the Chris I wanted a year ago.
This is the guy I fell in love with.
This is torture.
I’m being reminded of the guy I didn’t get and it hurts me again. I start to cry more and Chris thinks I’m still distraught about today and increases his attempts to soothe me and calm me down.
“It’s…not…that,” I tell him, “It’s you.”
His body stills and he takes my head from his neck, “What do you mean it’s me?”
I sniff and look at him, I need him to hear me say this because I don’t want to have to repeat myself. “This Chris is the guy I thought I was going to get that night. The Chris that cares about me and whether I’m happy or hurting. The Chris that cared enough to make sure his best friend got the woman of his dreams and the Chris that loved his ranch so much he decided to stay and make it better for our town.”
“Neely,” he whispers back to me.
“Not the Chris that hurt me and used me, the one that made me think I wasn’t good enough to even talk to after he destroyed me. Not the Chris who left me exposed and undressed whilst he walked off with his arm around another woman.”
“I don’t know how to explain it to you, I hate what I did, I was in a bad place and I didn’t not want you.”
“I want to make sure I’ve got the right Chris in the room with me, just him and me, I want to close that sad part of my heart down and cover it with something good,” I say quietly.
“If you’re asking what I think you’re asking then I don’t think that’s going to help you. I don’t want to make this shit worse between us.”
I know he’s right and I decide to quit whilst I’m ahead. “You’re right, forget it. I’m OK now. You can leave now.” The way I say it is cold and succinct and my mood change isn’t lost him.
“Please don’t be like that.”
“I’m not, I shouldn’t have put you in that position and I’m sorry. No harm done, forget it.” He gets up and heads for the door, I shuffle off the bed and follow him, I’m going to lock that door behind him because I don’t want anyone to see any more of my tears tonight. I know I’m barely holding on, I feel the darkness coming to take me because his rejection stings, again.
He goes to grab the door handle and hesitates, before I realize what he’s doing I hear him mumble, “Fuck it” and grab me. His urgent kiss takes me by surprise, it’s not gentle at all and he’s devouring me like it’s could stop at any time or I’m about to vanish before his eyes. He’s acting like he’s going to miss his chance if he doesn’t consume me all at once. “Don’t think I don’t want you, I always fucking wanted you, leaving you in that barn is my biggest regret,” he starts to kiss me again until I pull away to get some air.
“Being a complete bastard and making you hate me has made me so fucking unhappy. I’ve lost myself and can’t find my way back. Let me erase what I did to you and let me try and make it better for both of us.” I don’t answer him verbally, I step back from him and remove my hooded sweater, my nipples are hard and he can see them pebbled under my vest top. I chuck it at the ground and immediately reach for the bottom of my vest top, pulling it up and over my head.
He doesn’t move but takes a huge inhale of oxygen and runs his eyes over my breasts. I’m already turned on, but seeing him appreciate my bare upper body makes me feel desired. He licks his lips and I hear him say, “Fucking beautiful,” which gives me the confidence to proceed.
I push my thumbs into the waistband of my jogging pants and push them over my curvy hips and down past my bare ass and cooch, as soon as they lose their clinginess I let them go so they drop to the floor and I step out of them.
“Fucking beautiful and hot.”
If this is the one time I get to have the Chris I should have had on that night, then I am going to take it and I am going to get all of him. I’m not stupid, I know I may regret this in this morning but I’m living for now and I’m going to enjoy it. My decision makes me brave but he still hasn’t moved, he’s waiting for my affirmation to proceed.
I rub my hands over my hips and up my body so they dip in my slim waist and keep moving until I hit the sides of my breasts. I see his breathing deepen and whilst my eyes never leave his face, I watch his follow my hands with severe concentration. Now I’ve reached my breasts, I cup them and pinch each nipple between my thumb and forefinger which causes me to gasp and moan a little, it’s the only encouragement he needs.
Chris scoops me up immediately and throws me at the bed, he leans down to me and his mouth closes over mine whilst his hands grab mine and join in the breast teasing I began alone.
My legs naturally fall open and even though he’s still fully clothed he wastes no time in getting in between them. “Touch me Chris, feel me. Make me forget,” I plead and after a final pinch of my nipples he moves his hands and uses them to push my thighs apart.
“I remember seeing you like this before, I remember you being open and waiting for my touch. I didn’t touch you enough that night and I’m going to put that right now.” He spreads my lower lips wide and my hips buck with want, he knows he’s turning me on and I need some friction, I need his touch and I need some form of release.
He keeps my thrashing thighs apart with his elbows and starts teasing my clit with his finger and thumb, he starts off slowly and when he senses my enjoyment he quickens his speed and starts to lightly pinch it. “Touch your tits Neely, touch them whilst I make you cum,” he demands as if he can sense I’m hanging on the edge. He leads me there until I’m begging him to finish me off and then as I begin to pant, waiting for it to happen, he shoves two thick rough fingers inside me and it’s enough to make it happen and I groan through it.
“That’s it, fuck Neely, I can feel you squeeze me. I missed that before. I didn’t make you do that before, if you’d have squeezed my cock like that I’m not sure I would have been able to walk away from you that night.”
I’m in a haze of sensations and my body feels like jelly, my bones have turned to mush but my brain is telling me it wants more. The sensation between my legs changes and it doesn’t take me long to realize his fingers have been replaced with his tongue. “I didn’t do this Neely, I didn’t feast on you and eat you like I should have done,” he’s saying these words which drive me crazy between tongue swipes. I can feel it happening to me again, he knows my body is about to release its frustration again. “Don’t, not yet, I told you my cock needs to feel you squeeze it,” he unzips his jeans and lets them fall, he’s got his t-shirt off but I can only concentrate on his dick, it’s pointing upwards and curving back towards his belly button.
“I have to feel you in my mouth.”
“You will babe, but right now I’m too close and I don’t think I could take it. I need to fuck you.”
His words m
ake me feel wanton, like I’m the one really in control because he can barely control himself. Deftly, he grabs a condom from the wallet in his jeans pocket and grips it between his teeth, ripping it open with one hand. Watching him roll it over his thick cock makes my tummy spasm and he’s well aware of the affect he’s having on me.
As soon as he gets back between my legs he wastes no time in searching for the entrance to my body. I’m leaning up on my elbows and watching his actions, it’s one of the sexiest things I’ve seen. Chris pushes into me and we both groan because we’re feeling the same pleasure and need being satiated. His rhythm starts off slow and sure, he’s using his dick to touch all of me and it’s not long before my desire kicks in and wants more.
“Faster,” I demand and he complies. “Harder,” I request and again he gives me exactly what I want.
“Babe I can’t hold on much longer I need you to cum,” his voice is pained and the rough sound to it, is enough to send my orgasm on its way and he feels it coming again. “That’s it, fuck yeah, squeeze my cock,” he commands and after two more thrusts of his body he throws his head back and cums.
We’re both gasping for air and it’s not long before awkwardness overtakes us. Chris is in my room, so it’s not up to me to leave, he gets up and heads into the bathroom and disposes of the condom but instead of getting dressed and leaving he comes over to me on the bed and climbs under the covers. He grabs me and pulls me to him and starts to get comfy, it feels callous and bitchy to demand he leave, so I concede and do as he wishes.
“Do you think we should talk?” I ask tentatively.
“Probably, but not right now, get some sleep, it’s been a really long day. We’ll talk in the morning,” he says in a final tone. I want to be relieved that he isn’t leaving but it still feels awkward that he just wants to stay and pretend like we do this all the time.
It doesn’t take long for sleep to find both of us.
When I wake in the morning I find him scurrying round the room in the early morning light looking for his clothes.
It’s happening again.
“What are you doing?” I make him jump, he clearly wasn’t expecting to be rumbled.
“Nothing I heard voices from Oli’s room, I’m just going to check he’s OK,” I stay quiet and watch him, something feels off and he won’t look at me.
“I don’t hear any voices,” calling his bluff is childish, but so be it.
“Yeah, well there were.” Jesus Christ, he still won’t look at me. He’s burying his head and avoiding what we’ve done again.
“I thought you said we were going to talk.”
“I think we should do that at home,” he replies with not even a glance in my direction, obviously getting dressed requires his complete concentration.
“You’re avoiding what we’ve done again. I want you to be honest with me.”
“No,” he takes a deep breath and puts his boots on, “I just don’t think now is the right time to get into this, whatever it is.”
“OK. Do what you have to do Chris,” my voice has taken on the monotone edge that comes so easily with him as I lay my head back on the pillow.
“What’s that supposed to mean? What’s with that tone of voice?”
“It means I am not being fucked about again and I don’t think I’m going to want to talk about it when I get home or at all in fact.”
“Come on Neely, I just need... some time,” he’s at the door now and finally stops to look back at me.
“Well you take that time. You said you wanted to erase it both for us, yet here you are acting the same way, refusing to acknowledge what we’ve done, so, you take all the time you want. In fact take another fucking year, only this time I will be straight with you. There will be no avoiding each other, I will just cease to exist for you. I deserve better than how you treat me.” Chris looks at me, his face is pained like he has been physically injured, yet he still opens the door and walks through it slamming the door behind him. It doesn’t matter how many times I try to come up with the reasons, I’m never going to understand why he keeps running from me.
I’m missing something, unless Chris really doesn’t want me or see me as his future.
There are only so many times someone can treat you like you don’t matter before you start to believe that it’s really how they feel.
After all we shared last night, I understand I am just not good enough for him and the realization of that is so huge I feel like someone has blown a hole in my chest where my heart used to beat.
Chapter Eighteen
The journey home is difficult and that’s putting it mildly. It’s obvious to Oli what went down last night and the fact that there is a metaphorical ocean between Chris and I is something neither of us can hide.
Jonas, Ross or someone in control of his case took a full statement from Oli last night whilst Chris and I were fucking. He also gave them the low down on my investigation findings and the suspected tunnel operations is definitely where they are focussing their attentions now. Oli’s Escalade is lord knows where and we’re now in some random bronco, it’s not the level of style and comfort he’s used to, but let’s just say the lack of air conditioning isn’t the reason for the stuffy atmosphere. The sheriff has also arranged for the towns people back home to be fed a story that his Escalade has been stolen, it’s hoped that those involved at the Vans end will be asking questions amongst themselves and give them more reason to make a mistake. This will only be the case if we weren’t recognized, if that happened then we’ve blown it.
Chris hasn’t tried to talk to me and that’s just made things easier. It also means the conclusion my mind has come to this morning is the right one. As decided as I am, I can’t switch my brain off and I need someone to talk to. My folks are not the obvious choice in this case and I’m done with hiding out at the granny flat. Dolly would be the obvious choice but she’s not objective where Chris comes into it and is too close to him, geographically. She is also secretly rooting for us and our heads are in two different spaces on the subject. Flo will be all romance and poems and that will just piss me off to point of wanting to beat her to death. This leaves me with Lottie and the way she seems to compartmentalize and detach from Oli is probably what I need right now. I reach for my nearly battery drained cell phone and send a text:
Me: Yo chickie pie, need a day or two to escape, can I stay with you?
Lottie: Sure. Common knowledge or down low.
Me: Down low. No one please
Lottie: My guest room is yours
Me: Thanks, life saver, love you sister
Lottie: Right back at ya x
As the journey progresses Oli tries to start conversations and neither of us get involved and he seems relieved when his cell phone rings. Having no hands free he juggles it open and listens, “Neely, it’s Ross for you,” and he throws the cell phone in my direction. Chris seems to react when he hears another guy wants to talk to me, but I don’t give a fucking shit.
“What’s up cowboy?”
“Neely, I have some news, not great I’m afraid either, your apartment has been tossed. Someone has bust the door open using a crow bar and made a real mess.”
“What! How bad is it?” My sentence attracts both the attention of Oli and Chris who look at me concerned.
“Not sure, but you won’t be able to stay there until the CSI have been over it. I don’t know whether anything has been taken, that’s for you to decide but the obvious electrical stuff is still here, so my guess is, someone was looking for something.”
“Marvelous, this shit just gets better. No worries, I’m staying at my folks anyway. I’ll get my dad to drive me over later to check it out.”
“Sure thing, but let the sheriff know first, its being handled separately and any possible links with my case are being kept quiet. I know I don’t need to say this, but just be yourself, act shocked, be upset and then angry in case anyone is watching you,” he tells me.
“I don’t think that’s
going to be a challenge,” even I can tell my voice is now flat and lifeless.
“Neely, you OK?”
“I will be, see you later,” I finish quickly and hang up before he can quiz me more and I give Oli his phone back, when he asks, “What’s happened?”
“My place has been broken into it, seems someone was looking for something?” I sound as uninterested as I feel as well too.
“Shit, you OK?”
“I will be,” offering him the same answer as I did Ross and go back to gazing out of the window at the endless miles of nothing rolling by.
Hours later we get back to my granny flat and I thank Oli, then sort of apologize for the drama of the last twenty four hours and then head inside. Chris, the spineless fuck, doesn’t even say goodbye to me. I really got him wrong and whatever is holding him back is too big for him to be able to deal with or put aside for me.
I don’t tell my parents I’m back, I walk in zip my case up and drag it back to my car and head straight to Lottie’s. I have to get there before my strength leaves me and I let the weight of my sadness take me.
I arrive at her place, it’s a condo in a gated security patrolled community that is totally fit for someone of her stature. She’s a privileged trust fund kid who should be everything I hate. She’s not hard grafting for a career like me even though she’s well educated, she doesn’t have to fight for anything if she doesn’t want to, everything appears like magic. Despite this, I love her, she fits in because she doesn’t flaunt her privileged life, she uses it like a super power for good and charity. The only thing she doesn’t have is the love and relationship she wants, which is a real relationship with Oli, right now she’s settled to have him in her life in the current capacity, because something is better than nothing for her. It’s for this reason I chose to head over to her house. If she can compartmentalize, so the fuck can I.
Forgiving Love (The Soul Sisters Series Book 2) Page 15