Never Giving Up (Never #3)

by Anie Michaels

  “I know she is,” she said softly, surprising me.

  “You do?”

  “She has to be.”

  I pressed a kiss against her temple because I couldn’t argue with her.

  Our new hospital room reminded me a lot of the room we’d spent two days in after Mattie was born. Same uncomfortable half-bed that was disguised as a bench seat. The same box TV hanging from the ceiling, same hospital smell. The only difference was that there wasn’t a bed. There was a crib, but it actually resembled more of a cage. It was taller than me and really did become a cage if you raised up the only movable side all the way. It was everything we’d worked so hard to avoid at home. It was cold and hard and uncomfortable. It was stale and flat. It wasn’t soothing and warm, or soft, or loving. It was clinical and it served a purpose.

  My mother had been with us nearly all day, but when visiting hours were up, she had to go. She promised she’d be back in the morning and she promised she’d bring me coffee; her small way of trying to make this awful situation not as unbearable and I loved her for it. Porter went to grab us some dinner from the cafeteria and I was left alone with Mattie in another hospital room, but this time the happy baby haze was missing. I wasn’t busy falling in love with a little person I’d just met. No, instead I was trying to think of any way I could help heal the little person I’d already fallen madly in love with.

  I stood next to her crib, watching her breathe, obsessively making sure she took her next breath. I’m not sure exactly what I’d do if she stopped breathing, but I knew I’d be the first person to notice and find someone to help her. I had a contingency plan for almost any scenario I could think of. I would fix her if it was the last thing I did. I had to.

  Slowly I watched as she started stretching, a normal baby thing to do. Only, she couldn’t lift her right arm because it was wrapped so heavily with the gauzy fabric that kept her I.V. from coming out. It didn’t seem to bother her that she was restrained—she’d spent nine months in a cramped belly, so I assumed she was used to it by now. Her little mouth opened in a toothless yawn and she was all gums. I gave a small laugh and a smile to see her be so babyish while experiencing something no baby should have to endure.

  “Hi, Sweetie,” I cooed at her, brushing the hair on her head with my hand, relishing in the feeling of her silky baby locks on my skin. “This is a pretty silly way to get my attention.” I sniffled when I realized I had started to cry softly. I reached into her crib and started to unwrap her from her blanket, finding the diapers and wipes the nurse had supplied us with. “If you wanted some alone time, I could have sent Daddy to work on his boat.” I continued to talk to her as I mindlessly changed her diaper, something that had become second nature to me now. When she was all changed and wrapped back up, I carefully picked her up, minding all her wires, and sat down in the one chair in the room to feed her.

  “The problem with Daddy, though, is that he never takes no for an answer. You can try to send him away but he never really leaves. Once he’s made up his mind, once he’s decided to hang around and help you get your car started even though you tried to tell him time and again that you had it under control, well, Sweetie, he just never seems to give up.” Her little fist was wrapped around my finger and I brought her sweet little hand to my mouth and pressed a kiss against her fingers. “If there’s one thing I learned from your daddy, Mattie, it’s that he always fights. Always. He sets his mind on something and he is persistent. He winds his way into your life and makes himself so vitally important to you that you forget that you ever were happy without him. That’s exactly what you’ve done to me, Mattie. You’ve wiggled your cute little, tiny, baby butt right into my heart, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give you up without a fight.”

  I used her soft, pink blanket to wipe an errant tear that escaped. “So, you promise you’re going to put up a fight and I promise I’m going to fight for you too. Okay?”

  “Can I get in on this?” I turned to see Porter standing in the doorway, a tray full of cafeteria food in his hands. He put the tray down on the counter and walked over to us, kneeling next to our chair, and I watched in wonder as he bent down and kissed Mattie’s head gently while I nursed her. The image took my breath away and had we not been in a hospital room, surrounded by beeping monitors and crib-cages, I might have thought it a wonderful moment. It was still memorable, but more so because it was sad, not the beautifully moving moment it would have been had it been experienced in our warm bed or in the rocking chair I purchased with exactly this moment in mind.

  Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with everything, pushed over the edge by the polarity of the moments I was getting versus the moments I was promised.

  “I can’t lose her, Porter. I just can’t.”

  “Shhh.” He said, pulling my head down to rest on his shoulder. “We’re not going to lose her, Baby. Like you said, we’re going to fight with her and for her. She’s going to get through this.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  He didn’t answer me; he just kissed my forehead and kept us close to him. It didn’t matter that he didn’t answer my question, because I knew what he was thinking—It was the same answer I had running through my head all day.

  She would get through this simply because she had to, because without her we both would simply fall to pieces.

  The next twenty-four hours were filled with tension and aggravation. We woke up to find that Mattie’s I.V. had come out, something that apparently happened with children a lot. I was, again, faced with watching people in white lab coats poke and prod her tiny hands and arms trying to find a vein. During the ordeal, our nurse came into the room and saw me crying into Porter’s chest while Mattie lay crying in her crib.

  “Hello, Ladies,” our nurse, whose name tag read Melody, said to the lab assistants torturing my baby. “I think Wendy is on shift right now. Why don’t I have her try?” Melody efficiently shooed the white-coated women out of the room and then wrapped Mattie back up in her blanket, picking her up. “Would you like to come with me?” She asked, looking at me.

  “Where are you taking her?”

  “We’ve got a nurse on the floor who use to work in the NICU. She’s really good at finding tiny veins. She would be much better at this than the vascular access people. They don’t often get to work on such small patients.”

  I nodded and wiped my tears, following her down the hallway. She found the nurse she was looking for and I followed them into a room that looked like it was used for storage more than anything else, but it had a bed in it and a very bright light. They chatted amongst themselves and I stood near Mattie’s head, trying to just be there. I steeled myself, getting ready for more heartbreak as Wendy went near my baby. She spent what felt like forever inspecting Mattie’s arms, something the other white-coated women had never done.

  “I think the left arm is the best bet,” Wendy said, getting out the needle. I cringed as she went for Mattie, waiting for the crying to start, but I watched as she got it in with one poke and Mattie never made a peep. My eyes shot up to Wendy and Melody, shock filling them.

  “I told you she was good,” Melody said with a smile.

  “I never want the people in the white coats to come near her again,” I said, sounding more forceful than I had intended. It wasn’t a request; it was a demand. Melody just smiled brightly at me.

  “Not a problem,” she said as she wrapped Mattie back up, placing her in my arms. “Let’s get back to her room so we can get some more meds in her.” As we walked back, I learned that Melody was a nursing student in her final year of nursing school.

  For the rest of the day Melody was around, checking up on us and taking care of Mattie. Every time she came into the room, she was smiling and something about her made me feel better about our situation. She was so sweet to Mattie and that went a long way with me.

  As the day wore on, Mattie napped and Porter and I wound up sharing the God-awful bench in the room, both trying unsuccessfully to get c
omfortable.

  “I hate to say this,” I sighed as I sat up, “but maybe you should go home and get some sleep.” As much as I wanted him here with me, we needed to be realistic about this room. “We can’t both sleep here tonight.”

  “How about we take shifts? I’ll stay here tonight and tomorrow we can trade.”

  I looked over at him and I’m sure I had a wicked look on my face. “I’m not going anywhere, Porter.”

  “Babe, you have to go home at some point.”

  I couldn’t help the immediate rage that came over me. “Porter, I’m not leaving this hospital unless Mattie is leaving with me. What makes you think I’d leave her here all alone?”

  “She wouldn’t be alone. I’d be here with her. If you stay here, you’ll go crazy, locked in this room,” he paused, carefully choosing his next words. “It’s ok to leave her, Ella. It doesn’t make you a bad mom if you need a break.”

  I stood up and walked across the room, needing some distance from him in that moment.

  “She’s three weeks old, Porter. Three weeks old. That’s it. If I were at home with her, you wouldn’t be asking me to leave her with you while I went to the grocery store. Where she goes, I go. I’m not leaving her.”

  I saw the moment understanding came over him, and I watched as regret washed over his face, softening his features. He sat up, his elbows resting on his knees, face in hands, with his brow furrowed as his thoughts, clearly written across his face, worked their way through his mind. As soon as I knew he understood where I was coming from, the anger seeped from me and I let it go. He wasn’t trying to hurt me or force me to leave. He was just worried about me.

  “I can handle this.” I said softly, moving closer into him, letting my hand come to the back of his neck. I felt his hands cup the sides of my thighs as I stood in front of him. “This is supposed to be the time in our lives when we’re connected all the time. I’m supposed to be with her twenty-four-seven. Just because it’s inconvenient, and we happen to be in a hospital, it doesn’t make me less of a mom. I’ll be with her, here, until they release her.”

  “You know I’m just concerned about you,” he said, pleading with me to understand his point of view, looking up at me with so much love in his eyes I felt a tug at my heart. “These aren’t normal circumstances, Babe. This isn’t you leaving her for thirty minutes to go run an errand. This is you and her, locked in a room, for who knows how long.”

  “I know. But this is what I signed up for. This is what being a mommy is all about. If she’s here, so am I.” Porter was silent for a moment, but I still took the opportunity to run my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. “There is, however, no reason for you to be here every night. This room was not made for two parents.”

  “So, let me get this straight,” he said seriously, but with a small grin. “You get to stay here and play the Mommy of the Year role, and I get to go home and sleep in our comfortable bed all alone?”

  I leaned down and pressed a long, gentle kiss to his forehead.

  “You get to be Daddy of the Year for the rest of her life. Just trust that it would be impossible for me to leave her here.”

  “As you wish,” he said, wrapping his arms around my waist, his head resting against my belly, silently asking for me to run my hand through his hair again; I knew how much he loved it. “So, I’m gonna go home then, and take some time to catch up on sleep and shower. I’ll come back later this evening with an overnight bag for you. Anything in particular I can bring you?”

  I tapped a finger against my chin, pretending to think really hard about his question.

  “If you brought me a chocolate milkshake, I would love you forever,” I said with a smile. My smile grew wider as I felt his hands travel around my waist and fall on my bottom. He pulled me against him with a playful gleam in his eyes.

  “You were already going to love me forever, but I’ll still bring you a milkshake,” he said as he firmly yet gently tapped my ass.

  “Of course you will,” I teased.

  We both heard the door open and I turned as Melody walked in, carrying a plastic tub and some more diapers. “Hi,” she said sweetly. “Don’t mind me, just checking some vitals.” I left Porter and walked to the crib to watch Melody examine her. She took her temperature and listened to her heart.

  I felt Porter come up behind me and kiss the back of my head. “I’m going to head out then.” I leaned back into him and let him take my weight for a moment. He tapped my bottom again and then moved in to kiss Mattie on her head, minding Melody and her work.

  “Bye, Princess. I’ll be back later with a milkshake for your momma. You want one too? You’re gonna have to talk to her about that.” He stood up and winked and me. “I’ll see you in a bit,” he said, leaning in to press a small kiss against my mouth.

  “Ok. I’ll see you later.” I watched him leave and then turned my attention back to Mattie. “Can’t you just look at the screen to get her heart rate?” I asked curiously after she removed the stethoscope from her chest.

  “Oh, I’m listening for the abnormality. Her heart rate has been stable since she was admitted.”

  “Can you hear it? The murmur?”

  She looked around like she was afraid someone would hear her. “You know,” she said as she whispered and leaned in closer to me. “I really can’t.” She smiled at me. “Not that I think they are making it up, but sometimes when babies this small come in, the doctors just really try to be thorough. I’m sure if Dr. Edwards said she heard something, she’s just being thorough.” Everything was quiet for a moment while Melody finished her examination.

  “So,” she said, drawing out the word. “Your husband is very sweet.” I could see her trying to hide her smile and it made me smile in return. I was used to women fawning all over Porter. It was inevitable and it usually didn’t bother me. I knew exactly what other women saw when they looked at him and I could appreciate it just as much as they could. Seeing Melody turn a pretty shade of pink as she blushed made me laugh out loud.

  “He is very sweet. I’m a lucky lady.”

  “How did you two meet?” She asked, moving around the room trying to avoid eye contact.

  “Oh,” I said with a sigh. “It’s a long story. I guess you could say his mother introduced us.”

  “Ah ha, well, if he has any younger brothers who don’t mind overworked nursing students, I’d be happy to meet them.”

  I laughed out loud at her.

  “Unfortunately, Porter is an only child. But my brother-in-law is closer to your age and he has brothers.” I paused and smiled at her. “He’s not as good looking as Porter, but he’s easy enough on the eyes.”

  She laughed and our conversation moved on effortlessly as we stood in Mattie’s hospital room, prepping to give her a bath. It occurred to me, five minutes later, that this was the first time in over twenty four hours that I didn’t feel like my world could collapse around me at any moment. Something about Melody’s sweet nature and ability to take my mind off of the very real trauma happening around me, lifted my spirits in a way that I would be forever grateful for.

  We had just finished drying Mattie off and dressing her again when the door opened and another white-coated person walked in. My heart stopped and my eyes darted to Melody.

  “Can I help you?” Melody asked, her voice firm, but polite.

  “I’m here on orders from Dr. Edwards to get another blood draw.”

  My blood started pumping faster and I could feel the panic starting to come over me at the thought of another incompetent person poking Mattie.

  “I very explicitly stated in the patient’s chart that there were to be no more phlebotomists sent here to draw her blood. Tell me what you need and I’ll make sure the lab gets it.”

  “Listen,” the woman said to Melody. “I just go where the doctors tell me to go. You want to take care of this, be my guest. All the info is in her chart.” She swiftly left the room, not looking our way again. I was still a little
stunned that Melody had so easily and effortlessly put her in her place, that I hardly noticed when she picked up the phone.

  “Hi, who’s the nurse in charge up on your floor tonight?” She listened to the person on the phone and I saw her nod. “Great, can I speak with her?” A few moments later and someone else came onto the other side of the line. “Hi, Barb? Hey, it’s me Melody down on the pediatric floor. Do you think you could come down here and help me with a special patient? We’re trying to draw blood but she’s a tiny little thing and we need some extra help.” A few moments later Melody hung up the phone and turned back to me. “Barb is the charge nurse up in the NICU and she’s going to come down and help. She’ll be better at finding a vein and Mattie won’t feel a thing.”

  I stared at Melody and even though my heart still pounded, coming down from the fear that I was going to have to watch my child be tortured again, I felt a warmth swarm it at the same time. This woman, who I didn’t know more than a day, had just taken a situation that could have been terrible and eased all my fears. I wanted to hug her. Words couldn’t express how much I appreciated what she had just done for me and for my baby.

  “You’re incredible,” I managed to whisper. “Thank you.”

  She waved a hand at me as she made some notes on the computer, as if she hadn’t just done something for me that I’d remember forever. I knew, years from now when I told Mattie about the time she was rushed to the hospital when she was a tiny baby, I would tell her about Melody and how she fought the white-coated monsters for her. She was my hero in that moment.

  I knew I didn’t have the words to explain it, so I let her wave it away. I was still silently dumbfounded by the whole situation when Barb made it down to the room, cooing and fawning over my baby. Without one single cry from Mattie, they were able to get what they needed from her.

  The following days were difficult. Every morning Mattie’s I.V. came out and had to be put back in. Everyone on the floor was very understanding and always called the NICU for help. They took blood from Mattie every day, testing the blood for infection levels, measuring whether the antibiotics were doing their job. The good news, as Dr. Edwards let me know during her rounds on our fifth day there, was that since her first blood draw in the ER, the infection hadn’t gotten any worse.