Heinlein's Finches

by Robin Banks

  We hobble and stumble our way home. I’ve never gone for a hike out-bubble, not even during one of our holidays. I now remember why: the terrain is just too uneven. What we want to do is go straight back to our bubble, but that’s simply not possible. Instead we’re having to climb and crawl our way over the small obstacles that pepper the landscape and go around the larger ones. We’re exhausting ourselves and not getting any closer. Eventually we manage to find an ATR route, which makes our progress easier as we can walk along the ruts. Now we only have to worry about the unevenness of the ground, the precipitous inclines, and the fact that we’re getting more tired with every step.

  Walking after a planet hit you in the back is not pleasant. Walking in a suit is not pleasant. Walking on terrain so rough it seems spiteful is not pleasant. Combining the three with helping another dude in a suit who’s been hit by a planet and can only hobble is less than ideal.

  Death by asphyxia, however, is a great motivator. So we trudge on.

  As our star sets, we can see the lights of the bubble ahead of us. It glows in the distance, getting brighter as the night gets darker. The high rim of the crater means that the light is shooting upwards, like a volcano of light guiding our way home.

  “You know, I’ve never been a fan of light pollution, but that’s pretty.”

  “Need to stop.”

  We sit on a rock, watching the distant light show. Despite our predicament, I’m feeling oddly serene.

  “So, is it over now?”

  “Not yet. Get home. Get gone. Then just start again. Just.”

  “You could have said yes.”

  “Could have. But it’s not true.”

  “How’s the leg?”

  “Excruciating. Back?”

  “Awful.”

  “You going to be a daddy. Mommy. Parent?”

  “Maybe. Doesn’t feel real.”

  “You happy though? If it is?”

  “Yeah. I think. I’ve not really thought about it. I don’t really have to. Either it is or it isn’t. I think I have some stuff to work out first. Today has been… You know.”

  “I know”

  I turn to look at him, though the suits make it kind of pointless. “I’m sorry. I haven’t… I don’t know what to say.”

  “I don’t know what to feel.”

  “I don’t think you get to pick.”

  “Could you do that thing?”

  “What thing.”

  “Where you show me. How you feel.”

  “About what?”

  “About me. About that.”

  “What you want to know?”

  He stops and thinks for a while. “The truth. How you feel. About me doing that.”

  “It wouldn’t be… I feel a lot of stuff.”

  “I need to know. Whether to go home.”

  “What?”

  “If you think of me what I think of me. Maybe I’ll stay here.”

  I get up. “Don’t be an asshole. Today’s been bad enough. I can’t show you how I feel because I can’t get it together. I feel a lot of stuff. A lot of bad stuff, too. None of that is about you. But I don’t feel up to this. Get up. Need to get going.”

  I drag him upright and we set off again. We don’t get very far, however, before we have to take cover as two ships fly overhead.

  Aiden scoffs. “About time. Talk about emergency rescue.”

  “Probably took them a while to realize it was someone worth the gas. Are you sure the crash thing worked out?”

  “No. But I have a reasonable expectation.”

  “Seriously, you might want to consider foregoing accuracy for the sake of comfort. Just every now and then. As a personal favor to me.”

  We set off again, but don’t get far before another ship flies overhead, going much slower. We hide again, but the damn thing circles around and comes back towards us.

  “What the fuck?” splutters Aiden.

  “Do you think they have heat sensors?”

  “Fucked if I know. Not random, though.”

  “You still got your blaster?”

  “Nope.”

  “Knife?”

  “Inside a suit? Parachuting? No.”

  “Well then.” I pick up a rock.

  “You gonna stone a ship?”

  “You gonna just sit there?”

  “Fair point.” He picks up a rock, too.

  The ship starts hovering not far from us. I can’t see a damn thing because their lights are shining right at us.

  “No way is that Fed,” hisses Aiden.

  “How can you tell?”

  “Sounds like crap. Wait. What?” And he gets up, using me as a climbing frame. “Holy shit.”

  “What now.”

  “We’re home. Home’s here. Get!”

  The ramp drops down and he starts to hobble right towards it. I’m starting to think he’s finally lost his shit, when I hear a voice over the com. “Are you going to be joining us or are you determined to walk it?” And I run, bad back and tired legs and heavy suit and uneven ground and all, because that’s my girl’s voice.

  I swear it takes a year for the ramp to come up, the access chamber to get pressurized and the cabin door to open, but it doesn’t matter because Gwen’s on the other side of it. I’m trying to rip myself out of this godsdamned suit, which is precisely the worst way to try and desuit, when she finally takes pity upon me and helps me unbuckle. As soon as my visor is off, I set to kissing the living shit out of the woman.

  Meanwhile, Aiden’s just standing there, looking concussed.

  Gwen goes up to hug him. “Are you going to get out of there, pet?”

  Aiden shakes himself off. “Need help. Bad leg.”

  Sasha wheels around in the pilot’s seat to ask him. “Are you ok?”

  “Yes. No bother. How did you find us?”

  “Still got my tracker on you,” and she beams him a smile. “It doesn’t work long-distance, so we had to wait for the cleanup crew to be heading to the crash site. We figured you’d be between there and home.”

  “Huh.” Aiden looks stupefied. “What about Asher?”

  “Still at your uncle’s, as far as I know,” says Gwen. “We’ve not made contact yet. We figured you were the priority.” Her eyes are red and her face is wet.

  Sasha’s voice doesn’t sound completely steady. “We heard the first reports of the crash. It sounded… comprehensive. You don’t do thing by halves, do you?”

  “Try not to.”

  Gwen smiles at him. “Soon as we’re parked up, we can go get Asher.”

  “Not going to stay at Uncle Charlie’s?”

  “That was two murders ago. If the crash thing doesn’t work out, we don’t want to bring this kind of trouble to his door.”

  “So this is it?”

  “It kinda has to be. I’m sorry. It will have to be a brief goodbye, too.”

  “I can’t go. Leg fucked.”

  “Shit. Could we carry you?”

  “Too much hassle. Slow you down. Shit.”

  “Are you ok staying here? While we get Asher.”

  “Not our ship. Is it?”

  Sasha turns around. “Maybe we can discuss this later? You know, when we’re out of Fed range.”

  “You came for us.” Aiden still looks at her as if he couldn’t believe his eyes.

  “Of course I did. I wasn’t going to leave you there.”

  “Why?”

  She blinks. “What do you mean, why?”

  “I mean why. Why you came for us.”

  Sasha turns to me. “Is he for real?”

  “Afraid so. But I can see his point. You can argue about it while we fetch Asher. I need to go to the head.”

  Gwen leaves Aiden to come over to me. “Let me get finish getting you out of there.”

  “Nah, it’s ok.” Gwen looks perplexed. “Back in a mo. I’m fine. Help Aiden.”

  I realized just on time that at some point during the fun times we’ve had I pissed myself.

 
Asher’s gonna get a giggle out of this one.

  Walking through town feels surreal. The trip up the tube and back felt like going through the looking glass. Everything turned out to be backwards. Nothing made sense. Now I’m back to normality, but I feel far from normal. I feel as if I don’t belong here anymore. It’s not a good feeling.

  I know Gwen would like me to talk to her, to tell her what happened, both because she wants to know and because I’m being so distant, but that’s going to take a while. I don’t feel up to unloading now. I’ve not even begun to process this yet. Hell, I’m not sure I will ever want her to know the full story. I don’t want to lie or give her a sanitized version – that’d be even more of a barrier between us. But how can I tell my Gwen that I did what I did? How can I expect her to accept it?

  I have the horrible feeling that I’m rushing towards Asher to be in the arms of the one person I know who may be able understand, and may be willing to absolve me. If he doesn’t… I don’t even want to think about that. But I need to know one way or the other. So I hurtle on towards him, and with every step I take the reality of what I did creeps upon the reality of who I used to be, who I thought I was, and that scares the hell out of me.

  By the time we get to the house, I’m in a full-on adrenaline dump. I can feel myself slowly unraveling; an almost physical sensation, as if the shaking I can’t stop was making me come apart. I’m well beyond the point where I can even think about keeping it together, so when the door opens and we’re through security and I see his face in the distance I rush towards him and he catches me and holds me to him, holds me together, and I know I shouldn’t lean on him because he doesn’t know yet and when he does he might push me away, but I need this so much right now that I don’t care about anything past this moment. And he holds me as tight as I’m holding him and I know he can feel some of my hurt for me, and I know that he cares. And that’s nearly enough for now.

  It takes a while for me to find it in myself to pull back from him. I try to look away, but he doesn’t let me. He holds me with one arm and wipes tears and gods know what from my face with the other. I know I look a mess and I don’t want him to see me like this, but he won’t let me go and he doesn’t recoil from me, and that feels so good it hurts.

  “Bad night?”

  “The worst.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I know.”

  He holds me and hurts with me until he can see that I’ve got hold of myself again, and then he gives me a squeeze and talks over my shoulder.

  “Emergency bailout?”

  “Yup,” answers Gwen. “We need to fly, love. How are the legs?”

  “They’ll have to do. Aiden ok?”

  “Sprained ankle. Will be fine.”

  “Nick?” I don’t hear Gwen’s reply, but I feel Asher’s reaction.

  I’m bracing for him to ask the inevitable questions, but he doesn’t. We say goodbye to Martha and Uncle Charlie. Martha looks so upset and angry on my behalf that I’m tempted to stay here and let her make it all better for me, but we have to set off, and that’s that. This part of our lives is over. When that hits me, I can’t stop a moan coming out of my lips. Asher wheels around to look at me. He throws a crutch to Gwen and puts an arm around my shoulders. We walk on.

  I notice he’s keeping pace with me. “You’re walking much better.”

  “Yeah. It’s not comfortable, but it’s ok.”

  “You’ll be ok flying?”

  “I’ll have to be, won’t I?”

  “Oh.” I stop dead. “Gwen, you have to tell him.”

  Gwen shakes her head. “Not now, love”

  “What?” asks Asher.

  “I said not now. Let’s get out of here. Priorities.” And she yanks me on.

  When we get to the spaceport, I feel Asher shudder. “You ok?”

  “Yeah. Bad memories. We all have them. Is that it?” He looks up at Matilda with visible dismay.

  Gwen shrugs. “She’s ok. She did us proud.”

  “Milady, I’m forced to believe you. However, you’re never, ever picking a ship for us again.”

  “Aiden checked her out!”

  “All the same. Let’s.”

  Major awkwardness ensues when we hobble up the ramp to meet an equally hobbling Aiden and Sasha. Aiden and Asher nod at each other so rigidly they might as well be saluting. Aiden looks awful, his face etched with exhaustion and pain. Sasha just gawks at Asher, petrified. Asher sticks his hand out to shakes hers. It takes her a couple of seconds and a nudge from Aiden to get to it.

  “Asher McGee. I have no idea what’s going on but I understand this isn’t the time for catching up. Also, I’m guessing I owe you one. Shall we?”

  “Yes. Sure. Yes.” I didn’t think I’d ever see anyone being star-struck at Asher. It’s funny to see how uncomfortable it makes him.

  When Asher goes to strap himself into a passenger seat, Sasha squeals. “Aren’t you taking her?”

  “Why? She’s your ship. And I’m a bit impeded at present, and rusty. And this is important.”

  “But…” she tries to object, but Aiden limps over to her, murmurs something in her ear, and kisses her cheek. He does it with such reverence that I think my heart will split. Sasha’s eyelids flutter briefly, then she pulls herself together and takes her place in the pilot’s seat.

  “Come sit next to me?” Asher looks at us pleadingly. “Please? I want to hug the shit out of both of you. Please, don’t ever leave me behind again. I am neither brave not strong enough for that.” It’s hard to cuddle when you’re strapped down in bucket seats waiting to be slingshot into the sky, but we do our best. When the engine fires up and Matilda starts vibrating, Asher’s eyes widen.

  He tenses briefly, then relaxes and seems to sink into his seat, into the ship. There’s a naked joy in his face as he looks at the accelerating sky. I thought I’d seen him happy, but I’ve never seen him like this; I think ‘enraptured’ is the word. I close my eyes and let myself sink into his feelings. Even vicariously, I’ve never felt better. I’ve never felt more. I wonder if that’s the price and the prize of bravery: to be able to feel everything, and feel it fully.

  Gwen is weeping again. The girl’s gone terribly soggy of late. It’s a side of her I’ve never seen before; she’s always been such a badass. I don’t quite know what to make of it. Asher catches me looking past him, and turns around to look at her.

  “Hey, little lady. What’s the matter?”

  “Do you love me half as much as you love this?”

  “Silly question. I’ve lived without this. I don’t even want to think about living without you. Or you,” he turns to me. “You’re not exempt just because you’re not being mushy.” He turns back to stroke her face and murmurs, “are you going to tell me what’s really going on, now?” She just grabs his hand, holds it against her face, and carries on weeping.

  Asher turns back to look at me. “You know what’s going on?”

  “I think so. Well, quite a bit happened, but I think I know what this bit is.”

  “But you can’t tell me.”

  “Rather she did.”

  “You know you are worrying me?”

  “I’m sorry, but… Gwen? Come on. Better out than in.”

  That gets her giggling through the tears. “That’ll be at least another eight months or so.”

  Asher freezes and tilts his head. He turns in slow-mo to look at me. I nod. “Yup.”

  He blinks rapidly. “Are you sure? How long? Should you be flying? Are you ok? Shit. Are you sure?”

  Gwen weeps and nods. “Sasha ran a test. This is not ideal, but it will have to do. Is it ok? With you two? I didn’t mean to… I didn’t do it on purpose.”

  So I was wrong earlier. That wasn’t even close to Asher being as happy as he can be.

  “As soon as I can get out of here, I’m gonna hug the hell out of you. Fool woman. And you,” he grabs my shoulder so hard it hurts. “Are you in? You don’t have to be.”


  “And you call her a fool.” I’m trying hard not to cry, but it’s not really working. “Asher, we’re pregnant. With a baby.”

  Gwen guffaws. “Well, what did you expect, a trombone?”

  Asher sits back in his chair, arms rather uncomfortably wrapped over our shoulders. “Well, shit. We gone and done it now.”

  Aiden hollers back from the co-pilot’s seat. “Whatcha gurning about?”

  “I’m going to be a daddy!”

  “Old news. You been a daddy as long as I’ve known you. Just needed a baby to be a daddy at.”

  “Spoilsport.” He leans back in his chair and looks at me. “I’m guessing that’s not all of the news, but maybe it’s all the news I can manage at the moment. I might need to know who’s flying this damn ship, though, and where we’re going.”

  “Well, that’s Sasha. Her proper name is longer and a bit of a mouthful. I can’t really remember it all. I think her and Aiden might have a thing going on. Or not. But he totally should. She flies ships. She’s a fan of yours, too. Don’t know what else she does. I haven’t really had a chance to speak to her much. I don’t know where we’re going, either. I’m assuming Aiden knows. I haven’t asked.”

  He pulls me to him to gives me a kiss. “Just as well you’re pretty.”

  “Fuck off.”

  “Well, you just got on a ship piloted by someone you don’t know taking you to gods’ know where. There are stories for kids about this kind of thing. Mostly about how you shouldn’t do it.”

  I frown at him. “Well, you’re here.”

  “Yes, but I’m a washed-out has-been with nothing to lose and I’m following my two true loves. Add a tune to it, and you’ve got a bona fide love song.”

  “Two true loves doesn’t scan very well.”

  “Yup. But it’s true.” He bellows again. ”Aiden! Where we going?”

  “Pollux.” Asher’s face twitches at that. “That ok?”

  “Fine by me. Just need to work some shit out.”

  “Join the club.”

  The ship has finished accelerating and the g-force has settled to normal. Sasha unstraps herself and gets off her seat, and Aiden follows suit. They walk over to us.

  Asher smiles broadly. “That was smooth.” Sasha blushes so fiercely I worry her face may catch fire. “Not complaining, but why are we going to Pollux?”