Beneath the Stars

by Emily McIntire

  My fingertips slide along the curve of her ear and down until they rest on her neck. Her breaths become heavy and my eyes move to her lips. It would be so easy to lean in and taste her. I know she’d let me. I can feel how much she wants me to. But I know she’d regret it. So even though it’s the last thing I want, I drop my hands and step back.

  “Go ahead, pick it up.” I gesture toward the sledgehammer. She’s still standing there, chest heaving as she blinks at me. Fuck, Goldi. Don’t look at me like that.

  She shakes her head slightly, turning to grab it. She looks at me over her shoulder. “What do I do?”

  I stick my hands in my pockets, trying to calm my racing heart. Trying to keep myself from grabbing her back into my arms. “Think of whatever’s pissing you off and swing.”

  “That’s it?”

  “That’s it.”

  She turns toward the wall, raises the hammer above her head, and brings it down. Not technically the proper way to do it, but she’ll be alright. By the third attempt, she’s got it down. I can tell the moment she really lets go, her anger breaking free with every swing. She’s a goddess in her turmoil. My heart fucking beats for her.

  I was foolish to think it had ever stopped.

  Journal Entry #320

  I was in first grade the first time a teacher noticed something wasn’t right at home. Mrs. Grady was her name. She’d always pull me aside and ask me questions about my life. I was so starved for attention I ate it up like candy, thinking she just liked me enough to want to know.

  The day CPS knocked on our door also happened to be the day I brought home my first official “report card.” All A’s. Mrs. Grady told me how proud she was of me and I thought surely if she was proud, how could mom not be? I raced off the bus, excited to show her, but when I walked into the house there were strange people there. Mom had a big smile plastered on her face and she ushered me in, hands on my shoulders as she introduced me to them. I don’t remember their names, only their eyes as they cataloged me from my worn shoes all the way up to the buzzed hair on my head. They made me uncomfortable and I leaned into my mom for support. She squeezed my shoulders, the grip bruising.

  Once they left, the smile dropped and her eyes lost all their warmth. Told me how embarrassed I made her. That it was my fault she was like this in the first place. How if I wasn’t around she wouldn’t need to medicate so much, and how dare I try to paint her as the problem. That maybe if I was a better son, I’d work a little harder at lightening her load.

  For a fucking six-year-old, that shit hits you deep. Forms scars you carry with you for the rest of your life. I cried in my room that night, lying in bed with my report card on my pillow catching my tears.

  It took… a long fucking time to realize the way she was wasn’t my fault. So many relationships ruined and so much time lost from believing her lies. From carrying responsibility that was never meant to be mine.

  Parent’s words become their children’s inner voice.

  It’s a hell of a thing, learning to ignore it.

  30

  Alina

  “Lunchtime!” I say, walking into the studio. I raise my arms, showcasing the bags of Chipotle. It’s Friday, and Jack asked if I’d be willing to pick up something for the crew. I was content hiding out in the office, but he said my lunch would be covered, and I couldn’t say no to a burrito bowl. Besides, I can’t avoid Chase forever.

  He has me so twisted up that I can’t tell my head from my toes. Our invisible tether vibrates to life whenever I’m around him, and this time he isn’t the one trying to snap it in half. I’m not sure how to handle a Chase that isn’t pushing me away. It’s confusing. One minute I’ll want to strangle him—hurt him as bad as he’s hurt me. Then the next, I’m convincing myself that maybe we can be friends.

  I set up the food on a clean table along the wall, grabbing my burrito bowl and sitting down in a fold-out chair in the corner. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a construction site, and I had forgotten what the process looked like. It reminds me of Daddy, but those memories hurt because that man doesn’t exist anymore, so I’ve tried to steer clear. Now, after literally smashing down walls, I find myself wanting to sit in the middle of it, breathe it all in.

  My stomach jumps when Chase enters the room. I tell myself to stop watching him, but my eyes are stalkers and I can’t look away. He takes in the room and all the food. Our gazes lock. I’m mid-chew and I just sit there, food forgotten in my mouth, staring at him. I can’t help it. For the thousandth time since he’s been back, my brain and heart war with each other. It’s hard being around him. But there are also flashes where I don’t think about the past, and when that happens, being with him is as easy as breathing. He quiets the doubts—the voices. But I can’t let myself go through this again. I know what’s at the end of the rainbow isn’t a pot of gold—it’s Chase Adams.

  A couple of younger guys come in, and Chase’s eyes crinkle as he throws his head back. His throaty laugh causes me to cross my legs against the sudden ache flaring up between them.

  I look down at my watch, checking the time. I’m leaving early today to pick up Jax from the airport. He’s coming home for the next two weeks before he has to hightail it back to California. He’s been hard to get ahold of—just a random text here and there—so I haven’t had the chance to warn him about Chase.

  Regina was surprisingly understanding about me needing to take a half-day. After my abysmal first impression, things improved once she realized I wasn’t completely inept. She still doesn’t trust the crew on their own, so she’s insisting I wait until she gets here to “keep an eye on things.”

  She waltzes through the door right as I check the time again, giving me a passing glance on her way to the office. Okay, I guess that’s my cue. When I throw my trash away, I catch Chase leaning against the wall, watching me. Fire blooms on my cheeks. I hate the way he looks at me. I can’t wait until this renovation is over and I can get some space. Right now, I can hardly breathe.

  “Sweetheart.”

  “Teeth!” I yell, running around my car to jump in his arms. “You’ve been gone for way too long this time.”

  He smiles wide, setting me down and cupping my face in his big palms. “Seems like you survived without me.”

  “Barely.” I beam.

  Once we settle into the car, he chuckles and pats the dash of my Kia. “I can’t believe this thing’s still running.”

  “Hey, you watch your mouth. She’s a labor of love, is all. You’ve done her proud and I ride her gently.” I wink. “So how’s the big time, Mr. Hollywood?”

  He sighs, tucking his shaggy blond hair behind his ears. All these years and he’s never changed it. “It’s different than I expected.”

  “How so?”

  “It’s a bunch of bullshit and red tape. I mean, it takes a lot to rile me up, you know that… but the guy pulling all the strings, James Donahue, is a dick.”

  “So you’ve said, a thousand times. Why are you workin’ with him then?”

  He grins. “Because he’s the biggest dick in all the land. All I want is to see my cars on the big screen, and he’s the way to make it happen.”

  I nod along to his words. “Makes sense. His daughter still followin’ you around like a lost puppy?”

  “Yeah.” His smile grows. “She’s not so bad once you get used to her.”

  I widen my eyes. “That’s quite the attitude change after spendin’ countless hours and texts complainin’ about her.”

  “Yeah, well…” He shrugs. “What’s been going on around here? My mom told me Sam’s having some retirement party? I didn’t even know he was retiring.”

  Nerves make my hands grip the steering wheel tight. This is my moment to bring up Chase. “Yep. Life’s full of surprises.”

  He raises his brows, his arm resting on his propped knee. “Is it now?”

  “Mmhm.”

  “What’s up, Lee?”

  “Why would you assume somethin�
�� was up?” My fingers tap on the wheel.

  “You’re acting fidgety.”

  I make a face. “Fidgety?”

  He gives my fingers a pointed glance. “Fidgety.”

  I keep my eyes on the road, my bottom lip rubbed raw from how hard I’m biting into it. “Chase is back.”

  “What’d you say, sweetheart?”

  I glance at him. “I think you heard me.”

  “Oh, I did. But I need you to repeat it because I swear you just told me Chase was back.”

  “Yep, you heard me alright.”

  I peek another look at him, gauging his reaction. Losing Chase was hard on him, too. I’ve always felt a massive amount of guilt over the way that friendship ended. After all, Chase didn’t do him wrong.

  His face is serious, frown lines marring his otherwise perfect features. “Has he been bothering you?”

  I force out a laugh. “What? No.”

  “So, you haven’t seen him?”

  “I have,” I say slowly.

  “Sweetheart, I’m really trying to keep my patience here, but you’re not making it very easy with your cryptic answers.”

  I swallow down the rest of my nerves, feeling them settle in the bottom of my belly. “You know how I told you Tiny Dancers is havin’ a reno done? Well... she hired Sam’s construction company and Chase is the lead on it.”

  “He’s working with you?”

  I cringe. “Not with me. Just... around me.”

  “Big damn difference, Lee.” His arms cross over his chest.

  “Look. I didn’t ask for this, alright? But it’s fine. He’s different than he used to be.” Our night at the lake drops in my mind unbidden. I smother the grin that wants to break free when I think about it. The peace I felt. The comfort he gave. Dang it. I don’t want to smile when I think of Chase.

  Jax’s eyes are wide, his gaze seeing right through me. “Alina. Tell me you’re not falling for that.”

  “Fallin’ for what?”

  “For his shit.”

  “There’s nothin’ to fall for.”

  “Alina.”

  “Jax.”

  He blows out a breath, rubbing a hand over his face. “I want to talk to him.”

  I flip the blinker and focus on turning the wheel. “That’s your prerogative.”

  “It is.” He nods. “It’s also my prerogative to kick his ass.”

  I snort. “Oh, please. What happened with him was a long time ago. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

  “I didn’t say you weren’t.” He watches me, his forest-green gaze noticing my every twitch. “Just promise me you’ll stay away from him.”

  My heart stalls. I can’t promise him that, and even worse, I don’t know if I want to. “Hard to do that unless you’re expectin’ me to quit my job.”

  “You know what I mean, Lee. I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

  Staying away from Chase should be a no-brainer. But my feelings muddle and twist until they’re so complicated I can’t tell whether it’s my head or my heart making the decisions. So I don’t promise. I don’t want to be a liar.

  Jax comes back to my place and we spend the evening hanging out with Becca. He regales us with tales from California. The soreness in my belly from laughing is a nice respite from the hollowness that’s usually there. There’s a different energy around Jax than before. Or maybe it’s just the way it feels between him and me. He isn’t clinging so tight, and I’m not sure what to do with the shift. All night I obsess over what’s changed and while I can’t pinpoint it, I realize maybe I depend on him a little more than what’s healthy or normal. After Mama’s death, he wrapped himself around me and I never let him take his arms back.

  I kick them out a few hours later, ready to relax and soak in my tub with a good book. Not ten minutes after drawing a bath, my phone rings. I look down at the display, already knowing in my gut who it is. The Watering Hole. Of course. For the first time in a long time, I’ve had a good day. It’s only natural something would come along and screw it all up.

  Johnny begrudgingly informs me he’ll be forced to call the police if Daddy doesn’t leave. He made a scene again, and it’s the final straw. Johnny says he’s not allowed on their premises anymore, and he isn’t listening when they ask him to stay gone. How did this become my life? I should just let him get arrested, but I know I won’t. The part of me that believes when he says all of this is my fault forces my hand.

  He wouldn’t be the way he is if Mama were here. And she would be if they hadn’t been coming to my toddlers’ recital.

  I grab my keys, lamenting the fact I’m dealing with this again. What would I have done if Jax and Becca had still been at the house? What you’ve always done. Make an excuse and get ‘em to leave.

  Once I reach my car, I realize the interior light is on. “Come on, come on, come on. Work with me,” I mutter, turning the key and watching the lights on my dash flicker. I hear clicks, but no engine. Shoot.

  I should call Jax, but if I do, he’ll ask where I’m going, and I’m not ready for him to know about Daddy. I’m not ready for anyone to know about him. I lean my head against the headrest, closing my eyes.

  “Keep it. Just in case.”

  My eyes snap open as the words filter through my head, and I dig in my purse to grab the piece of paper with Chase’s number. Every bone in my body is telling me this is a bad idea, but unless I want to air out my family’s dirty laundry, I don’t have a choice.

  With shaky fingers, I dial his number.

  “Goldi?”

  My stomach clenches at hearing the nickname, but I don’t correct him. “How’d you know it was me?”

  “You’ve had the same number since high school. It’s burned into my memory. Is everything okay?” he asks.

  I lean my forehead against my steering wheel. “My car won’t start.”

  “Oh. Do you need me to come look at it?”

  “No. Daddy’s causin’ trouble down at The Watering Hole and I need to go pick him up. I just… I didn’t have anyone else to call.” I lift my head, raising my eyes and willing the tears to stay at bay.

  It’s silent on the line and I pull the phone away from my ear to make sure it’s still connected. I hear rustling on the other end and a female voice in the background mumbling. My stomach bottoms out. Is he with someone right now? “Oh, you’re busy. I shouldn’t have called.”

  “No,” he barks. “No, I’m not busy. You can always call. Just tell me where you’re at and I’ll be there.”

  My chest warms with relief, and something else I refuse to identify. I ramble off where I live. He offers to go pick up Daddy on his own, but I can’t burden him more than I already am.

  I wait in my car until I see headlights coming down the street. It’s probably stupid, but I don’t want him in my apartment. It’s the one place in town that doesn’t remind me of him, and I’d like to keep it that way.

  He pulls in behind where I’m parked, and I’m out the door and over to his truck before he can turn off his engine.

  “Hi,” I say, strapping my seatbelt on.

  He smiles. “Hey.”

  His hair is mussed like he just got out of bed. Like fingers have been tugging on it. Something that feels a lot like jealousy crawls up my throat, squeezing as I remember the woman’s voice on the phone. “Thanks for this. I’m sorry to interrupt whatever you were doin’.”

  He glances at me. “You didn’t interrupt anything.”

  “Oh, I just heard a woman on the phone and assumed…”

  His features tense, but he stays silent. Guess that answers that. I shouldn’t want to know anyway. It’s not my business.

  He runs his hand through his hair. “You left work early today?”

  “Yeah. I’m surprised you noticed with how busy y’all were.”

  “I always notice you.”

  My rebellious heart skips.

  “So where’d you go? Or can I not ask that?”

  “You can.” I side-eye him.
“I picked up Jax from the airport.”

  “Oh. You didn’t want him to come look at your car?”

  “No, I… he was tired from travelin’. I didn’t want to bother him.” I stare at my hands, heat rushing to my face.

  “Hmm.”

  It’s quiet for the rest of the drive and I’m thankful. When we get to The Watering Hole, I see Daddy slouched against the wall outside. Chase sighs as he pulls up to the curb. “Let me go grab him. You just stay here, okay?”

  I start to take off my seatbelt. “No, I—”

  “Alina. Trust me, stay here.” His hand covers mine, preventing me from unbuckling myself. I shouldn’t trust him. I know this. But I lean back and nod my head anyway.

  Surprisingly, he gets Daddy into the back with no fuss. It occurs to me that if I had gotten out, Daddy may have caused a scene. Maybe Chase knew that, too.

  I wait until we’re on the road again before twisting in my seat. Daddy doesn’t seem too gone, yet. Probably because they wouldn’t serve him. “Daddy, you alright?”

  He ignores me and looks to Chase. “I thought... you said you weren’t back for her.”

  An invisible fist lodges in my gut. He said that? I sit forward, looking out the windshield. I can’t pay attention to their conversation—I’m too busy wondering why it hurts so much to hear it.

  Chase looks in his rearview mirror. “Surprised you remember that, sir. But it’s still true, I’m not.”

  My chest pinches, making me lose my breath.

  Daddy grunts and then finally acknowledges me. “I should have… have known Johnny would be callin’ you out here.”

  “You should be thankful they called me, Daddy. If it wasn’t me, it would be the cops. Then where would you be? This way you can go home, sleep it off.”

  Chase is silent. Maybe I should feel embarrassed for hashing it out with Daddy right in front of him, but I can’t find it in me to care.

  “You know you can’t keep showin’ up, right? They don’t want you in there, Daddy.”