Evolution

by L.L. Bartlett

  I dropped the pen I’d been holding. “You startled me. Now I’ve dropped my pen,” I said tersely. God, no wonder I never tried out for the Drama Club. I had to be the worst actor on the face of the planet, but I knew my performance was about to bring the house down.

  I got up from my chair, my bare ass pointed at Mrs. Alpert, and bent over, giving her a full moon.

  “Good Lord!” she cried and I took in her horrified expression as seen between my bare knees.

  She turned and bolted, leaving my bedroom door wide open. Before I could cross the room to close it, I heard her slam the door to her own bedroom suite.

  Shit-eating grin? Yeah, baby! That bitch was never going to violate my privacy again.

  Plan A had succeeded. Next up, Plan B.

  I shut my bedroom door and looked forward to tomorrow, or the next day. I’d have to spring my next diabolical plot at just the right moment. In the meantime, old Mrs. Alpert had no clue that the worst was yet to come.

  #

  “That boy was naked!” the old woman shrieked.

  Richard wiped a hand over his moustache to hide the smile that had crept up on him. He’d planned on hanging out with the guys after class, but when his pager had gone off and he saw the phone number, he figured that was the end of his evening.

  Standing in the sitting area of his elderly grandmother’s bedroom, he scrutinized her expression. She seemed truly scandalized, and yet…. “What were you doing in Jeff’s bedroom?” he asked, unable to conceal his disapproval.

  “Well, I—” she began, then paused. “He has a propensity to annoy the entire household.”

  “How?” Richard asked, cutting her no slack.

  “Playing basketball for hours on end. Honestly, he was out there until it was dark.”

  “And where were you when he was playing?”

  The old lady opened her mouth to answer, and then seemed to think better of it. She leaned back into her tufted chair. “My heart can’t take the stress.”

  “Then there’s only one thing I can do,” Richard said, knowing just how this threat would play. “Tomorrow I’ll look into finding a place for Jeff and me to live. There’s a lot of new housing springing up—condos—right here in Amherst.”

  “You’d leave us?” she wailed.

  Richard shrugged. “I’d miss you both, but you instilled in me the value of taking responsibility, and I have to do what I must.” He shook his head sadly, playing out the moment for all it was worth.

  “Now, just a moment,” his grandmother cried. “Surely it would be more convenient for you to stay here. It doesn’t cost you anything. You have delicious meals, and we’ve provided a lovely home for you.”

  “Yes,” he admitted, “you have. But I take seriously my responsibility as Jeff’s guardian. I pride myself on that, since it was something you and grandfather generously did for me.”

  “Yes, we did,” she eagerly agreed.

  “I’d like to stay, but I can’t unless I have your promise that you won’t be barging in on Jeff in the future?”

  “It was an accident,” she cried, pink spots appearing on both her cheeks.

  “And it won’t happen again?”

  “Never,” she said with what sounded like sincerity.

  Richard nodded. “Okay.” He glanced at his watch. “It’s getting late. I’d better say good night.” The old woman offered him one of her wrinkled cheeks, on which he dutifully planted a kiss. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Good night, dear boy,” she said sweetly, looking relieved.

  Richard backed out of the room, closing the door behind him. Then he turned to face the door across the darkened hall. He could see light spilling out from the crack at the bottom and crossed the hall and knocked.

  “Yeah?” came the voice of his younger brother.

  “Can I come in?”

  “Sure.” The voice sounded resigned.

  Richard opened the door and stepped inside. Jeff sat on the room’s only chair, elbows planted on the desk, with a textbook before him. He was dressed in pajamas that looked a size too small. “I heard there was some excitement here tonight.”

  Jeff frowned, looking like he was waiting for a blow to land. “I told you this morning that that old—” he paused, “that your grandmother barges into my room.”

  “She said you mooned her.”

  “She used those words?”

  “No, but she saw your naked butt.”

  “Hey, I was in my own room. I was about to take a shower and then I got a great idea for my English composition—which is due Friday,” he added. “So I went to write it down and—bang! That old—” he paused again, “—lady barges into my room.”

  “So to punish her, you mooned her,” Richard suggested, keeping his tone level.

  “I dropped my pen and stood to pick it up.”

  “With her right in front of you?”

  “Hey, she saw the full moon—not the full monty!”

  Richard shook his head, mulling over this explanation. “You showed her your naked butt.”

  “Hey, everybody’s got a naked butt—under their clothes,” Jeff defended himself.

  “I guess you’re right,” Richard said, looking into Jeff’s angry, yet sincere gaze. He had a feeling there was much more that had gone on behind the scenes of this little encounter, but decided not to push it. It was a relief to see the kid stand up for himself for once.

  “I’ve got to work these next couple of nights.”

  “So what else is new?” Jeff muttered, and turned his attention back to the book he’d been reading.

  “I wouldn’t want anything else to happen when I’m not available to calm the waters. Do I make myself clear?”

  Jeff wouldn’t look at him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “I think you do. But—let’s put your naked butt behind us.”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  Richard opened the door to their shared bathroom. “I’ll see you later.”

  “Yeah, later.”

  Richard closed the door and leaned against it, stifling the urge to laugh. He’d told the kid to come up with a solution to the problem, and he’d done it. Too bad he couldn’t congratulate Jeff on his ingenuity. Still, he wondered just when the next altercation would erupt. He had a feeling it wouldn’t be long. Just how low would his grandmother stoop to set the kid off again?

  #

  I was pissed to awaken to the sound of rain pelting against my bedroom window. And I had a feeling the bad weather was destined to hang around for more than a few hours. Still, I couldn’t count on dribbling the basketball for an hour or more to ignite more hostility from either Helen or Mrs. Alpert. I needed to come up with something else to annoy them both, but would work to my advantage. It might take me a day or two, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to wait that long. The crux of my master plan would only work if I could pull it off in the next day or so.

  Curtis was already at the breakfast table staring out the window when I went downstairs that morning. The morning paper was reserved for Mr. Alpert. Curtis would read it later that evening. “Could be winter’s coming early this year,” he said by way of greeting.

  “I hope not,” I said, taking my regular seat, while a red-eyed Helen, back from the mothership, worked at the counter. She never greeted me, and I ignored her, too.

  “Any chance of a ride to school today?” I asked Curtis.

  “’Fraid not. I got a note from Mrs. A that she had an early doctor’s appointment this morning.”

  “Oh,” I said as Helen plopped a bowl of oatmeal down in front of me.

  “Ha-ha,” she said snidely

  I looked down at the bowl of slop that resembled liquefied brains, then back to Helen, who was already back at the counter cutting up fresh fruit. The Alperts always got food that might actually have some flavor, while I got grub.

  Crap. Now I’d have to walk the mile or so to school in the rain, unless Richard came home in time to take me, whi
ch you could never count on. Sometimes he was there by seven—sometimes not until eight or nine in the morning—long after the official start of my day. Sometimes I didn’t see him for days. I loved it when Curtis drove me to school. He’d drop me off at the front door just in time for homeroom. That meant I could hang around the house and shoot the shit with him for an extra thirty minutes.

  I finished my oatmeal and glanced at the clock. Time to leave if I didn’t want to get a tardy notice. I got up from the table. “I’ll see you later, Curtis.”

  “I’ll leave a note for Mr. Richard. He might be able to take you part way there.”

  “Thanks,” I said, grabbed my books and headed for the pantry where I hung my coat. But when I got there, I couldn’t find it. I stuck my head around the pantry door into the kitchen. “My coat’s gone. Have you seen it?”

  “Are you sure?” Curtis asked. He got up and came into the pantry to have a look. “I swear, I saw it last night. I don’t know what could have happened to it.”

  I had a feeling I knew. Rain. The note for Curtis to be available to take Mrs. Alpert for an early doctor’s appointment. Even the stand that usually held four or five umbrellas was empty.

  That bitch. That mean old bitch. She hadn’t waited long to get even with me.

  “Helen,” Curtis called. He went into the kitchen, and I followed. “Could you drive Jeffrey to school?”

  “No,” she said bluntly, without looking up from her work.

  I was going to get soaked. I went back into the butler’s pantry and grabbed my lightweight jacket from the peg and shrugged into the sleeves. “My books are going to get ruined,” I muttered.

  “Let’s put them in a plastic bag,” Curtis suggested. He went back into the kitchen and came back less than a minute later with a couple of big trash bags. He cut one down to put the books in, and then cut holes in the bottom and sides of the other, then pulled it over me. “It’ll have to do,” he said. I knew I looked like a jerk, but I wasn’t going to say anything. At least he tried to make things better. I could always take it off a block from school. I didn’t have to worry about seeing any of the kids, because in this ritzy neighborhood I knew all of them would be driven to the front door on a day like that.

  Curtis grabbed a worn baseball cap from another peg—his own hat. “You wear this. It will keep out a little of the rain.

  “Thanks, Curtis.”

  I opened the pantry door to a cold, wet wind, and plunged straight into it.

  Before I’d reached the end of the driveway, the legs of my jeans and sneaks were soaked through.

  That bitch—that stinking bitch. As soon as the weather cleared, she would feel the wrath of Resnick.

  #

  The elderly Alperts were hiding behind their respective sections of newspaper when Richard entered the dining room that morning at eight sixteen. “Good morning,” he said, taking his accustomed seat, and plunked down his coffee mug. “How are you both this morning,” he asked genially.

  They set their papers aside, smiling at him.

  “Very well,” Grandfather said.

  “I’m fine, too,” Grandmother said.

  “Oh, I thought you had an early morning doctor’s appointment. At least that’s what Curtis said.

  The old lady’s eyes widened. “It was cancelled,” she said, and lifted her cup to sip her coffee.

  “When?”

  “The phone rang right at seven forty-five this morning.”

  “Did it?” Grandfather said. “I never heard it.”

  “You had your nose buried in the newspaper,” she said quite adamantly.

  “That’s too bad. Since Curtis couldn’t take him, Jeff had to walk all the way to school in the rain. I didn’t get home until just five minutes ago, or I could have taken him,” he said, keeping his voice neutral.

  Grandmother smiled, but Grandfather found somewhere else to look.

  “The funny thing is … Jeff’s coat has disappeared.”

  “Disappeared?” Grandfather asked, confused.

  “It wasn’t where he last hung it. And all the umbrellas are missing, too.”

  “Oh, dear,” Grandmother said. “How could that have happened?”

  “That’s what I’d like to know.”

  He waited for an explanation, but none came.

  “Oh, well. They probably just got mislaid.”

  “I expect so,” Grandmother said and took another sip from her cup. “Would you like some breakfast, dear? I worry about you getting enough to eat. You work such erratic hours. That can’t be good for your health.”

  “Well, since I’m usually at the hospital, I’ll be in good hands should I keel over. I’ll just grab some toast in the kitchen before I head upstairs to get some sleep.”

  Grandmother smiled sweetly.

  Richard smiled back. Some people just didn’t learn. If she thought the full moon was bad, he had a feeling she had just opened herself up to something even more shocking. Too bad he wouldn’t be around to witness it. No way would the kid try to pull something else off when he was home. But he was sure whatever plan was in the works it would hit fast and furiously.

  He got up from the table. “Have a good day.”

  “Sleep well,” they both wished him.

  Richard grabbed his cup and headed back to the kitchen. Why did he have to miss all the fun?

  #

  Curtis’s wreck of a car was waiting outside the school’s back door at four-thirty when I finally left the building. The rain hadn’t quit, and I was never so glad to see that junky old car. My feet were still damp from walking through the typhoon that morning and it hadn’t let up all day.

  I opened the passenger side and got in. “How long have you been here? If I’d known you were waiting, I would have left the darkroom earlier.”

  “Don’t worry. I didn’t have anything else to do,” Curtis said as he started the car and I buckled up.

  “Thanks for coming.”

  “Did you have a good day at school?”

  “Oh, yeah,” I said. It had cost me twenty bucks, but I’d had a very good day at school. Taking pictures of the drama club had been well worth it—and especially making contact with the production’s prop manager. Oh, yes, it was a very good day.

  “Funny thing happened while you were at school,” Curtis said, breaking for a stop sign. “Your coat and all the umbrellas reappeared.”

  “Oh, yeah?”

  He nodded. “Almost like magic.”

  “I don’t believe in magic.”

  “Neither do I,” he said, his eyes trained on the road ahead as the windshield wipers thumped in time with some old tune from the local jazz station.

  I looked out the passenger side window thinking over what he’d just said. No way was I going to feel guilty when the skies cleared later that night. At least, I hoped they’d clear. I was betting everything they would, and as the tune ended, the radio forecast confirmed it.

  Curtis pulled up the drive and let me out before he parked the car in the garage. I went on ahead and had hung up my still damp-jacket on the peg beside its cold-weather brother before I went into the kitchen. Richard was sitting at the table eating a sandwich, dressed to go back to work. He usually worked twelve-hour shifts, but sometimes more. No way did I ever want to be a doctor—of course, I had no idea what I wanted to be. Astronaut and Super Hero probably weren’t realistic goals.

  “Hey, kid,” Richard said, taking another bite of his ham sandwich. As usual Helen stood at the counter. Didn’t she ever take a break? I hated having conversations with her always listening in, knowing she reported everything to the enemy upstairs.

  “Hi.”

  “Good day at school?”

  Couldn’t anybody ever ask a different question? “I guess.”

  He swallowed. “I heard what happened this morning.”

  I eyed Helen.

  “I’m sorry you got drenched.”

  “I didn’t shrink,” I muttered, taking a seat at the table
. “Can I have an apple or something?” I asked him, knowing if I asked Helen what the answer would be.

  “Help yourself to anything.”

  I got up and went to the fridge. A slab of peach pie covered in plastic wrap sat on a plate. I grabbed it, opened the silverware drawer for a fork, and sat down again, digging in. Helen glared at me. Had she been planning on scarfing down that piece of pie when no one was looking? I took another bite. “Wow, this is really good. Want a bite?” I offered Richard.

  “No, thanks. I don’t think any of your stuff will disappear again, but if it does—you let me know. Okay?” He said the words to me, but his gaze had shifted to Helen. Good. At least he realized there was a co-conspirator in our midst.

  “Sure.” I cut off another piece of pie. “You’re working again tonight.”

  “It seems like I work every night,” he said, and grabbed the glass of milk before him.

  “Is that what you’re going to do the rest of your life? Work night and day?”

  “Not if I can help it. I’m looking forward to the day when I can work regular office hours … at something. I’ll be done with my residency a week after you graduate. Freedom for both of us, huh?”

  He didn’t know the half of it.

  Richard polished off the last of his sandwich and stood. “Remember what we talked about last night?”

  “I haven’t forgotten,” I said, avoiding eye contact, but then he stood there so long, towering over me, I was kind of forced to look up. He was smiling. Then he reached out and roughed up my hair and headed for the butler’s pantry. “See you tomorrow—maybe.”

  “Yeah. See ya.”

  Half a minute later, he was out the door and heading for the garage. Curtis had sure been taking his time about coming into the house. He stood, leaning against his car, and Richard stopped to speak with him.

  I turned my attention to the last bite of pie and looked out the window again. Richard and Curtis were laughing. Did either of them have a clue that I might be up to something? It didn’t matter. I’d made up my mind, and nothing was going to stop me.

  “If you’ve finished, you can clear the table,” Helen barked at me.

  Too bad my plan didn’t include her. Well, maybe after tonight she wouldn’t give me any more trouble, either.