Waiting... On You (Force Recon Marines)

by S A Monk

  Taking the box downstairs, Hanna went into the den. It had been an chilly, overcast day, so Colleen had lit a fire in the hearth earlier. Hanna knelt down in front of the fireplace and fed it a large log to rekindle it, then plopped cross-legged before the roaring blaze to remove the lid from the box she’d brought down.

  Initially, she just wanted to dump all the contents into the fire in one big heap, but the instant she saw the first photograph flutter out, she changed her mind. Twenty years of precious memories overwhelmed her.

  She dumped the entire contents onto the carpeted floor in front of her. A letter written within the last year sat on top of the haphazard pile. She picked it up and re-read it. Nick had been in command of an elite unit comprised of a multi-national force, moving through the mountains that bordered Pakistan, searching for insurgents. He told her how cold and miserable it was, and how he wished he was home with her and his family. It had been so long since his last visit. Did she remember?

  Hanna closed her eyes and blindly dropped the letter onto the carpet. She knew what he’d been trying to get her to remember. She shut her mind to the memories of their first sexual encounter, and picked up another envelop.

  Before Afghanistan, Nick had been in Iraq. Except for a few special assignments to other parts of the world, he’d spent most of his career in the Middle East. Certainly, since 9/11, he’d been over there almost continually. Letter after letter was written from one forward operations base after another, though posted from Kandahar or more recently Camp Leatherneck.

  One of those special assignments had been in Thailand. He hadn’t told her what he’d been doing, but she now knew he’d been chasing the Triad and Li Chen. Though there were no photographs from there, there had been letters. Again, several of his letters hinted at what had occurred so intimately between them on his last visit home.

  The photos were as heart wrenching as the letters. And they were nearly as numerous. So many letters had come with at least one photo, always taken by someone else, usually depicting Nick alone, but occasionally with a few of his buddies.

  Whether he was in his full dress blues, fatigues, or civilian clothes, Nick Kelly was an imposingly handsome man; a man who would never go unnoticed by any woman. Hanna especially loved the ones that showed him in a tight Marine green t-shirt, or better yet, no shirt at all. For years, she’d kept a few of her favorites in frames on her dresser, and one always under her pillow, usually one minus any shirt.

  After the Naval Academy, he had never been in one place for very long. He’d been stationed on board ships, on every ocean in the world, traveled to every continent, nearly every country. He’d sent her gifts and cards from all over the world. He’d never missed a major holiday or a birthday.

  Nick Kelly was a man who took the time to remember the dates, and who found comfort in keeping in touch with his family and friends. Hanna had never considered his communication with her unique. All of the family benefitted from his generosity and thoughtfulness. But now, with it all spread out in front of her, she wondered if it had meant more than simple friendship for him.

  Why had Nick sent her so many pictures of himself? To keep his memory alive with her? She wasn’t sure if he had kept all the letters and pictures she had sent him, but, while she cherished his correspondence, she had never needed it to keep her memories of him alive. Nick Kelly had always been engraved on her heart. He’d always been part of her soul, ever-present in her thoughts.

  She found one of her favorite photographs and separated it from the rest. It was a picture of Nick in his cadet uniform at his graduation from the Naval Academy at Annapolis. How old had he been? 22? He looked so young, so eager, so handsome. She fingered his face lovingly.

  He’d been disappointed she hadn’t come to the ceremony. But she’d just begun medical school and hadn’t been able to afford the time or the expense. In those days, she’d been a poor medical student.

  There were lots of letters from his time at the Academy. They were so sweet, so dear; the letters of a boy, barely turned a man. He’d been alone and on his own for the first time; excited, anxious, and frightened that he wouldn’t be able to walk admirably and capably in his father’s heroic footsteps. He’d reached out to her for help with his studies that first year, and for the unconditional support she’d always offered him. Though he had never known it, she had always considered him her soul mate.

  In the end, she couldn’t bring herself to part with twenty years of memories and mementoes. She couldn’t throw them in the fire and destroy them. And yet they were so painful to recall, they filled her with heartache; made her heartsick. She pulled her knees up to her chest and locked her arms around her bent legs. Tears streamed down her face and spilled onto the papers around her, blurring the ink, blurring her vision. Rocking back and forth, she dropped her head and pressed her eyes hard into her kneecaps.

  Dear God! They were all so infinitely precious to her, just like the man who had sent them! Damn, him! He was thirty-eight and she was thirty-four. They’d lost half a lifetime. Neither of them was getting any younger, and now there was probably no chance that they’d ever reconnect with one another. Why had he left her like he had? Had he not felt how deeply she loved him? Had he felt nothing for her in return? God help her, how was she ever going to stop loving a man she had loved her whole pathetic lonely life?!

  That was how Nick’s mother found her, on the floor in front of the fireplace, silhouetted by the fire’s flames, sobbing and rocking back and forth.

  Jessie had known Hanna wasn’t truly getting over her oldest son. She looked like she’d lost twenty pounds in the past two months. There wasn’t any spark left in her. It hurt Jessie to see the woman she’d always loved like a daughter so miserable. She hadn’t intervened. Hanna had confided in her over the years precisely because Jessie had never betrayed any of those confidences. And she’d been hoping, praying, that Nick would come to his senses and realize how lonely his life was going to be without Hanna Wallace in it.

  But Jessie couldn’t stand by any longer. Nick had sounded just as unhappy these past few weeks. She’d heard it in his voice every time he called; two, sometimes three times a week! For heaven’s sake, he always managed to bring the conversation around to Hanna, wanting to know how she was recuperating and what she was up to. Those were not the sentiments of a man who had truly meant goodbye.

  Jessie suspected there was a reason Nick left the way he had. His hasty departure after Hanna had come out of her comma seemed out of character for him. She was also beginning to suspect she ought to talk to her younger son. Something in her conversations with Nick had hinted that Lance may have had something to do with Nick’s abrupt departure.

  Jessie sank to her knees on the floor and sat back on her heels beside Hanna, who immediately raised her head and rubbed the tears from her eyes.

  Glancing at the array of letters and photos scattered around her, Jessie stroked her young friend’s arm. “I know what you’re about here. I just want to help.”

  “You can’t this time, Jessie.”

  “It won’t help to burn all his letters. You’ll regret this later, sweetie.”

  Hanna sniffed and reached for a tissue from a box Jessie handed her. “I can’t burn them, but I’m going to bury them somewhere deep.”

  Jessie brushed a wayward strand of Hanna’s honey blonde hair out of her eyes. “And what makes you think that will work, sweetie?”

  “I’m sure you read the card on his dumb roses! If that wasn’t a permanent goodbye, I don’t know what it was!”

  “I’ll admit I did read the card, and it did sound like goodbye, but I’m not sure how permanent it was. Do you know he’s called two and three times a week since he left?”

  Hanna shuddered with a tearful tremor. “To talk to you and Lance.”

  Jessie reached out and rubbed her back in soothing circles. “He always wants to know how you are doing. And he called Colleen while you were away on your sailing trip, then he called Lance tw
ice to find out more about your trip. He was pretty put out at Lance for letting you go alone.”

  “I know. I told Lance to tell him to mind his own business.”

  “And Lance did.” Jessie chuckled. “He told me afterwards that didn’t go over too well with Nick.”

  “Good. I hope it ticked him off!”

  “It did. But my point is, since it did, and since he’s calling so often to check up on you, he can’t be that disinterested now, can he?”

  “I don’t know, Jessie. I can’t read his damn mind!” Hanna cried. “Maybe he does care about me, but not enough to give up his precious Marine Corps or to commit to any long term relationship with me.”

  “Have you considered telling him you’d give up your life here, to be with him?” Jessie asked gently. “Have you ever told him how much you love him? Did you tell him how you felt this last time he was home?” When Hanna gave her a slight nod no, she continued. “Well, maybe he doesn’t think you’d ever be willing to give up your career here to share his. And knowing my oldest son, I doubt he’s guessed how you feel about him. He’s spent all of his adult life in a very male environment. I’m sure he’s not too savvy when it comes to figuring out how a woman feels. He’s never had any long term relationships. His experience with women has been insignificant, except for his friendship with you.”

  “Jessie, he’s gone!” Hanna pointed out, fighting another burst of tears. “Maybe you’re correct. Maybe you’re not, but I am not going after him. My heart can’t take the risk. Time will heal my pain.”

  “But not your loneliness— or his, for that matter.”

  “I’ll learn to live with it.” Hanna smiled sadly, then swiveled to give her friend a hug. “As long as I have my family and wonderful friends like you and Lance, I’ll manage.”

  CHAPTER 31

  “HOW’S IT GOING AT THE SHOP? Getting caught up yet?” The next day, Jessie corralled Lance in the kitchen after he came home from work.

  “Yeah, we are. I’m lucky I’ve got some good guys working for me.” Lance looked at his mother and gave her a wink. “And a mom who has kept good books for me.”

  She acknowledged his thanks with a nod. “You’re most welcome.”

  Lance went to the refrigerator, opened the door and looked inside. “Is Christopher home from school yet?”

  “He’ll be here any moment. The bus is running late today.”

  “An hour is a long time to ride the bus,” he noted, looking at her over his shoulder as he grabbed an apple out of the refrigerator. “Maybe I should start picking him up at school every day.”

  “He likes riding the bus with his friends.” Jessie went to the coffee pot and poured two cups. “Sit down and have a cup of coffee with me. I need to talk to you.”

  Lance lifted one tawny eyebrow and gave his mother a wary look. “Sounds like I’m in trouble. What did I do?” He pulled out a chair and sat down at the table in the kitchen, then took a big bite out of the red apple in his hand.

  Jessie brought over two mugs of coffee and set one down in front of her youngest son. “Actually, that’s what I want to know.” Lance was looking at the newspaper on the table, eating his apple as his mother took a seat across from him. “Nick left here so abruptly, I get the feeling that there was a reason for it— one he didn’t give Hanna; one you might know something about.”

  Tossing the apple core into the trash can a few feet away, Lance looked up at his mother as she sipped her coffee and awaited his reply. He immediately recognized her silently implicit stare. That particular expression of hers always said volumes. He’d never had much luck ignoring her when she had her mind set on an answer, but it didn’t stop him from shrugging and trying.

  “Nick left here because his commander reactivated him.”

  “Why didn’t he explain that to Hanna? Why leave those roses with that card that made it sound so final between them? He hasn’t called or written her since he left.”

  Lance stirred sugar into his coffee. “I don’t know. Maybe he knew they had no future together, Mom. He doesn’t want to retire from the Corps, and he leads a dangerous life, more so than most military men. What’s he gonna do if he marries Hanna? Leave her in one strange place after the other, making her wait for him to return from all those secret missions he goes on? She has a brilliant career here at the hospital and at the University. It wouldn’t be fair to ask her to give that up for the life of a military wife. And, besides, her family is here. Colleen is in her eighties. Hanna is her last grandchild. And what about Christine and Katie? They’re really close to Hanna now that Dylan is gone. And then there’s Christopher. You know he loves Hanna like a mother.”

  “Oh boy!” Jessie said, her eyes widening. “Guess I got my question answered and then some.” She studied her younger son closely for a long moment. “And then there’s you, isn’t there? You love Hanna, don’t you? Are you hoping she’ll marry you someday and become a true mother to Christopher?”

  Lance bent his head and rubbed the back of his neck, just like Nick did when he was perplexed. In fact, now that she thought about it, Nick Sr. had had the same habit. Jessie smiled as she watched her son, who reminded her of her first husband, as well as her oldest son.

  “Yeah, Mom,” he finally admitted as he lifted his eyes to look directly at her. “I guess I am hoping that Hanna might see me as more than a friend someday. I know she’s been waiting for Nick, but now that she knows he’s not going to retire and come home….”

  “Oh, Lance, honey,” Jessie replied gently, catching his big hand. “Hanna loves your brother and always has. There’ll never be anyone else for her. She’ll grow old, alone and single, if we let this be the final word between them. I know you love her, too, sweetheart, but not the way she loves Nick. If she does turn to you as more than a friend, which I don’t think she’ll ever do because you’re such a special one to her, she’ll still be secretly in love with your brother. You wouldn’t want that, and you don’t deserve that. You should have a woman who loves you and only you— no half measures, no substitutions.”

  “Well, there isn’t anything we can do about it, Mom. Nick made his decision. He left. Hanna....”

  “Won’t go after him on her own,” Jessie interrupted as she saw the stubborn set of his square jaw. “And I think you can do something about this, son. I don’t think Nick made that decision without a little help from you. What did you say to him? And don’t tell me nothing because I’ve heard the tension between you two the last two months over the phone. Seems to me something like this happened three years ago when Nick left for duty after being home that time, too. I’ve seen the occasional rifts you and he get into over Hanna.”

  Lance threw up his hands in surrender. “Geez, Mom! Don’t you ever miss anything?”

  She smiled indulgently. “Not when it comes to my sons. I notice because I love you. So quit avoiding the question. What did you say to Nick before he left?”

  Lance blew out a frustrated breath. “I asked him what he intended to do about Hanna. He told me that he wanted to ask her to marry him and go back to San Diego with him.” He saw the big smile that lit up his mother’s face and rolled his eyes. “Now don’t look like that, Mom. I convinced him it wouldn’t be fair to Hanna to put her through what you went through when Dad died.”

  “Oh, Lance, you didn’t! Don’t you know how sensitive a topic that is with Nick? He’s been so afraid of doing that to a woman, he’s never gotten serious with anyone.”

  “That’s not such a bad thing, with the life he leads. You know he could have left the military any time and had a normal one.”

  “Are you angry that he’s been away all these years?”

  “Yeah!” he answered truthfully, revealing some of that anger. “I guess I am! I would have liked to share the business with him; to have him around more all these years. Hell, I hated worrying about whether he’d come back alive from all those missions, too. We were so close growing up, and now all we do is write to one another.”
>
  “I should have guessed you felt that way, son. Does Nick know?”

  “No.”

  “He’ll always be your brother, and he’ll always love you,” Jessie reminded him. “But you have separate lives, and he needs to live his, just as you need to live yours. He wouldn’t be happy running Sean’s business. The only thing he’s ever wanted to do was to follow in your Dad’s footsteps. It was his dream. He needs to live it.”

  “And Hanna? Does she have to live his dream, too?”

  “Yes, she does. I’m sure she’ll find some way to continue her career, too. She needs Nick, and he needs her. You weren’t here to see them together. They were very happy and very much in love.”

  “Shit, Mom!” Lance raked a hand through his straight blonde hair.

  “I know it’s hard, honey, but Hanna needs your help. Since you love her, you need to consider her feelings and help her be happy again. She’s been so miserable. Haven’t you seen that these past two months?”

  “Yes, I have,” he admitted begrudgingly. “But what can I do?”

  “You can tell her what Nick said to you about wanting to marry her. Then you can tell her what you said to him. Help her resolve this with your brother. He’s finished the training in Virginia and Florida, and he’s back in San Diego now. You and Hanna could fly down to see him. Surprise him.”

  “Aw damn, Mom!”

  LANCE THOUGHT ABOUT HIS MOTHER’S ADVICE all that evening and the next day. He hated giving up his hope of a relationship with Hanna. But in the end, he knew his mother was correct. Hanna was miserable without his brother. And he was kidding himself thinking she’d ever love him like she loved Nick. He guessed he’d known that all along, but hadn’t been willing to admit it to himself.