You First

by Stephanie Fournet

  Gray: Did you change my bed sheets?

  In spite of what it meant, Gray hoped she’d say no.

  Meredith: Yes. Is that okay?

  He gripped the phone and told himself to breathe. But no matter what was reasonable, no matter what was real, no matter what universe he lived in, Gray Blakewood did not want to be Meredith Ryan’s patient.

  Gray: It’s not.

  The second he pressed send, Gray knew he was in the wrong. It was selfish. It was ungrateful. And it wasn’t her fault he felt like a fucking invalid. But that changed nothing. He shouldn’t have been surprised a moment later when she tapped on his bedroom door.

  “Gray?” she hoarse-whispered. “Can I come in?”

  “Dammit,” he hissed. He stalked to the door and opened it. “I know you meant well—”

  His mouth stopped working when he took her in. She wore long-sleeved pajamas — nothing revealing or scandalous. But the plum-colored fabric fell like water over her body, silhouetting her breasts and hips. A hint of cleavage peeked from the top’s V-neck. And she definitely wasn’t wearing a bra. Gray swallowed as he forced himself to meet her eye.

  No, he absolutely did not want to be her patient.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, locking eyes with him. Her voice, calm and clear, rang with sincerity. “I should have asked first. We had lunch there, and I didn’t want you to be sleeping in crumbs.”

  Gray frowned. The sight of her in his bedroom doorway, so soft and sensual, was maddening. He wanted to gaze at her, to touch her, to make love to her all night long. “I don’t want you to apolo—”

  “I know you value your privacy. I won’t do it again.”

  Watching her humble herself pushed him over the edge. He didn’t want to be her boss. He didn’t want her to serve him. He wanted to pull her into the room and bar the door to the rest of the world.

  “I don’t want a nurse,” he growled. “I don’t want a nurse. Or a housekeeper. Or a personal assistant. I don’t want someone to look after me or clean up after me.”

  Meredith’s brows shot up. Her mouth opened, and when no words came out, she shut it. And for the second time, he saw something else shut, too. The openness that was Meredith Ryan. Guarded, she squared her shoulders and took a step back in the hall.

  “I see.”

  “No,” he said, following after her, frustration nearly choking him. “You don’t see. It’s not you, Meredith. It’s—”

  “Are you firing me?” she asked. Her walls had come up. She looked ready for anything, her chin high as if bracing for disappointment. He was struck with the certainty that she knew how to survive — no matter what. The set of her shoulders and the flint in her eyes told him she was used to letdowns. They were all too common in her life; they took their toll, but she weathered each in turn.

  And Gray Blakewood did not want to be one of them.

  “Of course I’m not firing you. You’ve done nothing wrong.” Pushing his misery aside, he searched for the words to make her understand. “Even if I don’t want help, I still…”

  …want you to stay.

  …want to get to know you.

  …want to kiss you senseless.

  There were so many ways he could end the sentence, and most of them would send her running out the door. And as he struggled for words, Meredith’s face softened, the walls dissolving in her eyes first, and Gray knew that though she might not understand, she wouldn’t make him say any more.

  “Look…” She shook her head and pushed up the sleeves of her pajama top, drawing his eyes to the perfection of her wrists. When had he ever noticed a woman’s wrists before? “We’re both new at this. I don’t want to make your life any harder… and I sure don’t want to make you feel worse.”

  Her eyes met his when she spoke, and Gray could see the kindness in her that ran deep. Something in him clenched almost painfully. Her sweetness soothed him, taking away the sting of his humiliation, but his hunger for her seared him from the inside. Why couldn’t they have met sooner? Before the damned tumor made his world go sideways? When she could have seen him simply as a man?

  Meredith shrugged, unaware of the war she’d started within him. “We should… I don’t know… make a list or something. A list of things you’re okay with me do—”

  Gray couldn’t stand it any longer. He grabbed her by the wrist, knowing he’d lost his mind. “Meredith…”

  Startled, she glanced from his hand back to his face in an instant.

  “Can I… not be your boss… for five minutes?”

  She sucked in a breath. “Why?” Her mouth was glossy and ripe. Her pulse beat in her neck.

  And Gray wanted to taste each.

  He knew there were so many reasons not to, but he stepped in, closing the distance between them. And when she didn’t make any move to pull away, he released her wrist and circled his arm around her, low across her back. She kept her eyes on his, her chest rising and falling with each rapid breath, and he brought his hand to her cheek.

  “I want to rewrite this night,” he said, pulling her closer so that her breasts pressed against him.

  Across his chest he could feel the hammering of her heart through the silky fabric of her top.

  “Dinner, but in a restaurant, or at least me cooking for you. A long walk, but this time with your hand in mine…”

  He dragged his little finger down to her perfect lips and traced them with the lightest touch, her slow blink giving him the courage to say the rest.

  “…and instead of an argument, a goodnight kiss.” As slowly as he could manage, he brought his lips just over hers, hovering above the warmth he could already feel. “May I?”

  “I…” Her gaze was on his mouth, and he watched her bite her lip and nod.

  Gray didn’t wait for more. If this was the point of no return, so be it. He had no interest in returning to a time when he did not know the taste of her kiss. He pulled her up to him and crushed his lips against hers.

  Meredith was as sweet as her soul. As soft as her touch. As warm as her smile. But as his lips slanted against her mouth, he discovered that her sweetness became a nectar spiked with desire. This he tasted when she arched up, pressing closer. As soft as she was, he felt her strength and her certainty when her arms tightened around him. And when his tongue dared to trace the seam of her lips, her warmth became heat as she opened for him.

  And the world caught fire.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  GRAVITY FAILED.

  The heavenly body that pulled her in was no longer Earth, but Gray. And falling toward him held just as much thrill and fear as diving off a cliff.

  His kiss was a revelation. In every place her body met his, she felt the proof of his desire. In the tight circle of his arms, she was precious, as if Gray clutched her to him so nothing could steal her away. Pressed against the wall of his chest, she felt protected, as if nothing could harm her. With the searching of his tongue, she felt discovered, as if she’d never been kissed before.

  The shocking truth could not be denied. Gray Blakewood wanted her. As much as she wanted him — if that were possible. When she opened her mouth to receive his tongue, a moan, almost plaintive, left his throat. Without her will, Meredith answered it with one of her own.

  And the sound seemed to drive him wild.

  His fingers clutched her hair, drawing her head back to deepen his kiss, and when she let him, he moaned again. The sound moved through her soul. It was as though God had made her a promise long ago. So long ago, she’d forgotten both God and the promise, but the sound of Gray claiming her kiss brought them back.

  You are mine.

  The words issued from some part of her that, until that moment, had no voice.

  Heavy with joy, she drank in his kiss, swooning under the courtship of his tongue. He tasted like trust and laughter and something so indescribably male, her knees went weak.

  You are mine.

  She felt the words again and let her hands lay claim to his face. Th
e scrape of his stubble and the sculpture of his cheeks weakened her further. Meredith needed to lie down beneath Gray so she could touch all of him.

  Gray broke from her lips, already swollen from his mouth, and planted little suckling kisses along her jaw and down her neck. The sensation sent shock waves all the way to her womb.

  A soft cry — full of helplessness and surrender — left her throat, and Gray clutched her tighter.

  “Meredith…” He breathed her name against her neck, and the word had never sounded so good. “Meredith.” He said it again, as though her name were the only answer to the only question.

  “Gray,” she said, feeling the power of speaking his name. She wanted to say it all night…

  Meredith froze.

  But what would happen in the morning? She’d be in Jamie’s bed tomorrow night.

  What the hell am I doing?

  “Gray,” she said again, but this time the pain of her heart breaking in two was all she felt. It killed her to push back from his chest. “I can’t… I can’t.”

  He stilled around her. Gray didn’t let go, but she felt a kind of unsurprised resignation settle over his body.

  “I know,” he whispered. But instead of releasing her, he held her tighter, brought his nose to her hair, and inhaled a slow, full breath. “Give me just one more minute.”

  The ache in his voice made her throat close. She could only nod and squeeze him tighter. One minute. One minute to commit to memory the perfection of him. The perfection of them together.

  She laid her cheek against his chest. After watching him stoke and tend the fire in his library, she knew exactly how he came to smell of wood smoke. Meredith grasped the front of his shirt and breathed him in.

  “I’d be fair to you, Meredith,” he whispered against her ear. “I swear. I’d be more than fair.”

  “What?” She pulled back to meet his eyes. The conflict she saw in them gripped her heart.

  “If it’s the job — the reason you can’t — you can stay on as long as you want, whether you want to be with me or not.”

  “I do want to be with y—”

  “Hear me out,” he said, moving his hands to her shoulders and squeezing her gently. “If you want to work here and be with me, nothing would make me happier. If you only want me as your addle-brained boss, we’ll pretend this didn’t happen. I’ll never touch you again, but seeing you will still be the best part of my day.”

  He was going to kill her. “Gray—”

  “But if I’ve ruined this, and you can’t work for me anymore, I’ll give you the severance package of a lifetime. Six months’ wages. A year, if you’d rather.”

  Meredith shook her head. “It’s not that. I want to stay. I mean… I like it here… and I like you. So much. Jesus, I’m such an idiot for saying that.” She hid her face in his chest, her cheeks flaming.

  Gray pressed a kiss to her head. “I disagree,” he said, the smile in his voice curling around his words. It gave her enough courage to peer up at him again. His stricken look was gone. Now his eyes danced. She gazed into them for a long time, not wanting to say what needed to be said.

  “My situation is complicated.” It was vague. She knew it was vague, but how could she explain the truth?

  He brought a hand to her face and brushed his thumb over her cheek as if he hadn’t heard her. She watched his eyes study her face, and he said nothing. Then his thumb traced over her lips, and her breath shook.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he told her. “I should probably tell you this now while I have the chance. So beautiful.”

  When she was little, her mother and father told her she was pretty. When she met Jamie, he told her she was hot. No one had ever said she was beautiful.

  But when Gray looked at her like that and touched her face with such tenderness, Meredith felt beautiful.

  He had a point. If she couldn’t be with him now, she might never be. Surely, he’d move on, and the next woman to kiss Gray Blakewood would be someone who had her life together. She’d never let him go. So if this was the only moment Meredith would get, she had things to say, too.

  “You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen. Every time you even smile at me, my knees want to give,” she blurted, pushing her embarrassment aside. “And you’re always looking out for me. You’ve been so good to me. More than I deserve.”

  Gray shook his head. “Not more. Not even close.” He palmed the back of her neck, a frown forming over his eyes. “And don’t talk like you’re leaving. I don’t want you to leave.”

  She loved hearing him say that. It eased a little of the ache inside her. “I’m not leaving.”

  “Good,” he said, his eyes brightening again. His gaze focused, and Meredith could see his wheels turning. “Is there anything we could do… to uncomplicate things?”

  She groaned and covered her face with her hands.

  “Tell me so I can help.”

  Meredith turned away then, pulling out of his arms. Facing him was too shameful. She couldn’t come out and tell him that she let Jamie have his way with her to keep the peace. He already knew she slept in his bed, so he probably thought she was breaking a trust just by kissing him. Which made her seem almost as bad as she was.

  “Meredith…” Gray clasped her fingers gently. “…sit down.”

  He tugged her to the foot of his bed, and without any idea what to say, she followed and sat. Gray settled beside her, but she could only stare at her feet.

  “I’m sorry,” he began. “I have no right to pry. I just want to know what you need. And if it’s something I can give you, I want to.”

  Meredith met his eyes. He was so good. Had she ever met a man who was so good? “Time,” she said. “I just need time.”

  Gray frowned as if this wasn’t the answer he was hoping for, but he nodded. “What would time give you?”

  She let go a long breath. “I want you to know that I don’t have feelings for him, but I can’t be with someone while I’m living with Jamie,” she said, forcing herself not to look away. “Eventually, I’ll be able to get a place for me and Oscar.”

  “So it’s a matter of money?”

  Meredith shrugged. “Yeah.”

  “I have money,” Gray said, his face so serious. His eyes never leaving hers. “A lot, actually.”

  “I can’t take your money.” Meredith shook her head. “If that’s what you’re suggesting—”

  “It’s what I’m suggesting. And why not? There’s nothing wrong with accepting help from a friend.”

  “No.” Meredith put a hand to her head. Working for him was one thing. But living off his money? Sometimes living with Jamie made her feel like a whore, but at least he was responsible for part of her mess. As the father of her child, he owed her something. If she took Gray’s money so she could leave the McCormicks and be with him, she’d be nothing better than a concubine.

  Hell no. She had to have her freedom. When she moved out, she needed to do it on her own. She needed to be able to support herself and Oscar. She needed to prove to herself that she’d never have to feel the way she felt lying beneath Jamie. Ever again.

  Meredith shuddered. “No,” she said again.

  The room fell silent for a moment, but Gray’s grip on her hand never slackened. “Okay,” he said, finally. “I’ll wait.”

  Her eyes shot to his. It was the last thing in the world she’d expected him to say. “What?”

  Gray shrugged, a smile tipping up the corners of his lips. “I’ll wait.”

  Meredith stared at him, wonder replacing shock as she saw that he was completely serious. “Other women wouldn’t make you wait.”

  His grin grew. “I’m not interested in other women. I’m interested in you.” He still smiled, but something in his eyes changed. “I shouldn’t be. Not only am I your boss, and it’s a bad idea to harass people who work for you, I’m too old for you. And to top it off, I can’t even take you out on a date… and I don’t care.”

  He spoke with a t
ease in his tone, but that was just on the surface. He’d obviously wrestled with these doubts, just as she’d wrestled with her own. Meredith squeezed his hand.

  “Well, first of all, you’re not harassing me. In fact, you asked permission to kiss me,” she said, blushing even as she smiled at the memory. “And I said yes—”

  Gray shook his head, but his eyes were smiling again. “You didn’t really say yes. You just nodded.”

  “That’s the universal nonverbal for yes,” she said waving away his dispute. “And about the age thing, having a kid adds like ten years. Trust me on this. So, really, I’m older than you.”

  Gray laughed, and Meredith felt a flood of relief. Was she really talking him out of his objections? Why, when she wasn’t free to be with him?

  “I said I shouldn’t be interested. But I am. So stay. That’ll make waiting a lot easier.”

  Her heart thumped hard. Could she really work for him and not give in? Knowing how he felt? Knowing he knew how she felt?

  It would be far from easy. But she couldn’t walk away, either. Even if she had a better job offer, which she didn’t.

  And if she pushed what she felt aside, she’d be able to live with herself until she could make the changes she wanted to make in her life.

  “I’ll stay,” she said. “But I have no idea how to make this work.”

  “Me either.”

  They stared at each other in silence, their hands still joined, and Meredith wondered if she’d ever be able to stop thinking about that kiss.

  “What do we do now?” she asked, unable to move. Unable to stay.

  “Whatever you want,” Gray said, his eyes soft and sincere.

  Meredith told the truth. “I can’t do what I want.”

  His eyes closed then, and she watched him inhale. He nodded slowly, and then he opened his eyes again. “Don’t move. I have an idea.”

  Gray let go of her hand and walked into his bathroom. She heard a door open and a light flip on. A closet? A thump, a rustle, and zip later, and Gray emerged with two sleeping bags.