The question carried so much, Meredith was glad for the sturdy wood of the door in her grip. Too much had happened in the course of the afternoon to process, and she hadn’t yet had time to consider her next step, but she couldn’t imagine feeling secure about his safety if she wasn’t with him.
“I-I’m not s—”
“I don’t mean…” Gray began, his eyes going wide in alarm. “…I don’t mean with me. Just here. I want you here. It’s better when you’re here.”
The certainty in his voice made Meredith quite sure she didn’t want to be anywhere else. He may not have acted terrified at the threat every moment carried, but she could only imagine how hard he had to work to keep those fears at bay. If she made anything better — anything at all — she wanted to be there for him.
“I’ll do what I can, but—”
“Oscar.” Gray nodded. The briefest flicker of disappointment crossed his eyes, but he hid it quickly. “I get it.”
“I want to stay,” she said honestly.
Gray locked eyes with her, searching her face. “You can always bring him with you. Every day. Every night. He’s welcome.”
Welcome.
The word washed over her in a shower of warmth. A place where they were both welcome. It was something they’d never had. Not truly. Meredith hoped the homesickness she carried didn’t show on her face as she put together a response.
“Thank you. That means a lot.” She swallowed, nodding. “You’re very sweet.” Her words were lame, and they didn’t convey anything close to what she felt, but they’d have to do.
“Sweet?” Gray’s echo sounded doubtful, but then his gaze sharpened. “Speaking of sweet, I was supposed to take you out for crème brulée tonight.”
“What?” Meredith frowned.
“We talked about it last night.” His smile seemed to fill the room. “I remember.” He said the word with significance and even a little pride.
“Oh, yeah.” She smiled back, remembering too. Of course, there would be no crème brulée tonight. “Something to look forward to.”
She heard the hope she mustered in each word, and, in the wary look in Gray’s eyes, so had he. But he nodded all the same.
“Well,” she said, crossing the threshold. “Get back to it. I’ll come check on you in a bit.”
“Good,” he said, the smile in his eyes replacing the look of caution.
She forced herself to walk away and start down the stairs.
“Meredith?” he called from above.
She halted. “Yeah?”
“Could you send Bax up for me?”
“Sure thing.”
She passed on the message to Gray’s brother before ducking into the utility room and shutting herself in his bathroom. She leaned against the door and pressed her face into her hands.
Emotions hit her like a hailstorm. Meredith could count on three fingers the people in her life she loved wholeheartedly: Oscar, Becca, and Brooke. These made up her soul’s inner circle. She would have never denied loving Brooke’s parents or her sisters, but the Cormiers were more like an extension of Brooke, and Meredith’s love for her best friend covered them as well.
What she felt for her own parents was so complicated and painful that it was easier not to think of them as her loved ones. She didn’t recognize the woman who’d thrown her out of the house at seventeen as the same one who had fixed her a hot water bottle and rubbed her back when she had a stomach bug at seven, all the while humming “Trouble Me” by 10,000 Maniacs. Consciously, she knew that both were Susan Ryan, and that knowledge filled her with such grief and rage.
And her father, Ned, used to call her Seahorse. When she was about five, he’d told her that her name was Welsh for “guardian of the sea.” She’d pictured a knight on a horse, and she’d told him she knew knights and horses couldn’t live under water, but seahorses could. For about three years, seahorses covered everything in her room. Seahorse sheets. Seahorse stuffed animals. Seahorse stickers. And even when she grew out of them, her father still called her Seahorse.
Seahorse became whore when she’d turned up pregnant.
She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t let herself love someone who might disappear from her life and leave her all alone. Not again.
And yet…
What she felt for Gray was something altogether new and different from what she’d ever felt for anyone else. Her love for Brooke was like tubing down the Whiskey Chitto River. All sunlight, ready laughter, and clasped hands for the length of the journey. With Becca, her love was like a folk song, one that could lighten the load when sung alone, but a song that became a party when others joined in.
Marvel heroes couldn’t touch the love she had for Oscar. It was more powerful than Thor’s hammer and stronger than Captain America’s shield. It turned her into a superhero — in his eyes and sometimes even her own. Because no one was going to touch her baby. Her love for him made her stronger. Braver. Patient. Tireless.
But with Gray? It was like she rode on the back of a whale, buoyed up from the sea and cresting on every wave. And it was just as exhilarating. Just as terrifying.
Overwhelmed, Meredith reached for her phone and punched Brooke’s name. The phone rang three times before she picked up.
“You never call,” Brooke panted. “What’s wrong?”
“An emergency,” Meredith whined, slumping against the bathroom door and hoping Gray’s family couldn’t hear her.
“What is it? Is Oscar okay?” Brooke asked in a panic, still sounding breathless.
“Yes, Oscar’s fine… Are you okay? You sound like you’re having an asthma attack?”
A pause overtook the line. “Me?”
“Of course you? Who else am I talking to? What are you doing?”
“I’m… sitting with Rajan…” Her voice sounded unusually high, even as she caught her breath.
“Rajan? The cricket player?” Meredith’s eyes bugged. “Where are you?”
“Um… yeah. And he’s not just a cricket player. He’s a junior in chemical engineering. And he speaks four languages, and he says I smell like a cape lily.”
“A what?”
“It’s a lily that grows in India. It’s pink and fragrant and wonderful. Don’t laugh.”
The rumble of a richly masculine chuckle filled her ear. “You are very comical, mere nadee.” An exotic accent trimmed and trilled each word, and Meredith found herself listening more closely.
“Mere nadee? What does that mean?” she asked, grinning. “And where did you say you were?”
“Never mind. What’s the emergency? Do you need me to come over there and kick some McCormick ass?” A booming laugh, deep-bellied and joyful, followed her question. Then the sound went muffled, and Meredith could only hear part of the exchange. “…my friend… now hush!… No… I can’t talk if you touch me there…”
Oh my God. Meredith slapped her forehead.
“Um… Brooke, if this is a bad time…”
“No, no, no. What’s going on?” her friend demanded, coming back to the phone.
“It’s okay. Really,” she said. “It’s not Oscar and it’s not Jamie or Leona. I just wanted to talk. Just call me when you c—”
“No, you sound off. Tell me what’s bothering you.”
That was Brooke. With her through it all. No matter what. Meredith gave a sigh and slid down the bathroom door to settle on the floor.
“It’s Gray.”
Brooke gasped. “What’s gray? You’re too young for gray hair—”
“No. Gray. My boss.”
“Oh, right! How is your sexy author boss?” Meredith could hear the smile shape her words. This was going to be harder than she thought.
“He’s sick.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s why he hired you.”
“No, I mean really sick. He has a brain tumor that could kill him at any moment. And, Brooke, if that happened, I think I’d die, too.”
She heard the words right along with Brooke, and as her best friend g
asped, she startled at the undeniable truth of her feelings.
“Meredith, honey, could you hold on a sec?”
At this, she heard more murmuring. And then, clearly, the sound of Brooke’s squeaky passenger door.
“Are you in your dad’s truck?”
Pause.
“Yes.”
Meredith felt her eyebrows climb her forehead. “Brooke, are you parking?”
Brooke sighed with no shortage of drama. “What else am I supposed to do? Rajan lives in the dorms, and even when my parents are at work, at least two of my sisters are home at all times. Anyway, I just sent him to get us some pizza. Now, why are you going to die?”
She shook her head. “Wait a minute. Where are you parking?”
“Oh, fine, nosy. We’re on Mildred Street by the UL bus yard. Rajan’s walking to Bisbano’s, so I’ve got a few minutes. Spill.”
So she did. Everything from the seizure to the kissing to the arrival of Gray’s family to the devastating news and more kissing.
“Wow.” Brooke said when she came up for air.
“I know.”
“You remember how I said it sounded like you were dating before?” she asked archly.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I’m a total slut.”
Brooke sucked in a breath. “Bite your tongue! Of course you aren’t.”
“I am if I’m still letting Jamie touch me,” she muttered.
Pause.
“What? Since when?”
Meredith rolled her eyes. She hadn’t meant to keep this from her best friend, exactly, but she never wanted to talk about it. “Since… like… ever.”
“Do you have sex?” Brooke asked, sounding astonished.
Meredith bit her lip. “Sometimes,” she squeaked.
Brooke’s voice went hard. “But you hate him. I mean, you told me he was always trying to get into your pants, but you never said you let him.”
“Oh my God,” Meredith groaned. “You think I’m a slut.”
“No, sweetie. I’m just confused. Why would you sleep with Jamie if you hate him?”
Meredith felt sick to her stomach. “Because it’s complicated.”
“Do…do you want to sleep with him?” Brooke sounded slightly disgusted.
“No. Not since senior year before he wanted me to get an abortion.” It was the truth, but nothing about the truth was easy to explain.
“Meredith… does he force you?”
She was quick to answer. “No.” It was true. He never forced. He just never stopped.
“Then what the hell?”
“Brooke, I’m living in his house. I’m sleeping in his bed. I’m eating his food. I’m the mother of his child, and he never lets me forget it. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can say no.”
“Oh, God, Meredith. Jesus! You can always say no.” Brooke was practically shouting.
“You say that, and I believe you, but when he’s on top of me, and he’s getting pissed off, I don’t feel like I have a choice.”
“Holy shit! He gets pissed off when you say no?!”
Meredith rolled her eyes. “Only every time.”
“Okay. That’s it. That’s it. We are getting you out of there.”
“Brooke, I love you, and I’m grateful, but Oscar and I can’t move in with you and your parents.”
“I’m not talking about you moving in with me. I’m talking about me moving in with you. You, me, and Oscar. Together.”
Meredith held her breath. She didn’t dare hope. “You can afford that?”
She heard Brooke blow out a breathy laugh. “No. I’d have to get a real job.” Brooke’s parents gave her a hefty allowance to watch her younger sisters after school, but it was enough to keep her in new clothes and a steady supply of CC’s Coffee. “Besides, it’s Penny’s turn. And she’ll love having her own room.”
Meredith thought of Oscar and Leona. “It would need to be close. Say what you want about Leona, but I have to have her help with Oscar. And he loves her and Big Jim. And Jamie,” Meredith added honestly.
“I don’t care where. We’ll find a place,” she said. “It’s time. I need a place where I can sleep with whoever I want, and you need a place where you can sleep alone.”
Meredith laughed, and Brooke joined her. But it only took a moment for reality to step in.
“We might have to get something furnished,” she said, wincing. “I don’t have much.”
“We’ll hit the yard sales,” Brooke reassured her. “I’m sure Mom and Dad have some things we could take, and they’ll help us out a little.”
The confidence in her voice said it all. Having the support system of her family made it easy for Brooke to take this leap.
“You’re so lucky,” Meredith murmured. “I hope you tell them you love them every day.”
“I do,” Brooke said softly.
“Well, then tell them I love them.”
Brooke laughed. “I will. And I’ll start looking tomorrow,” her best friend offered. “You have enough to handle with your boss-boyfriend.”
She inhaled deeply through her nose. “I don’t know what he is.”
Brooke’s voice was gentle. “He’s someone you care about.”
It was the truth. She couldn’t deny it. And the simplicity of the statement gave her a little peace.
She cared about him. A lot. And she knew how to take care of him.
Meredith stood up from the floor and brushed herself off.
“Thanks, Brooke. I’ll talk to you soon. I need to get back to work.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
AS SHE EXPECTED, Jamie was not at all keen on her intention to spend another night at Gray’s, and when Meredith heard that Oscar had cried himself to sleep asking for her, she vowed to herself that she would be there, snuggled around him, when he woke up in the morning.
When she came out from hiding in Gray’s bathroom, she learned that Bax had been dispatched to bring back dinner for everyone, herself included. Grateful, Meredith settled herself at the kitchen island and called Gray’s editor. By the time dinner arrived, Jude Colligan had agreed to every one of her requests, all the while sounding as shaken and distraught as she’d been to learn the gravity of Gray’s condition. The editor, who sounded like someone old enough to be Gray’s father, had told her four times that Gray could halt progress on the current novel without any change to his contract. When she finally made it clear that Gray was taking the next two weeks to finish the book — contract or no — the poor man promised everything. Rapid turnaround time on all phases of the editing process — even if he had to do the line edits and proofing himself.
She was just hanging up when Bax came into the kitchen carrying two giant bags bearing the Ruth’s Chris Steak House logo. He didn’t miss it when her eyes bugged, and Gray’s brother gave her a beleaguered look.
“No. This is not a normal Blakewood thing. We don’t get takeout from Ruth’s Chris. Ever,” he said, as though reading her mind. Then he nodded toward the second floor. “But he insisted. He also wants you to join him up there for dinner.”
Bax handed her one of the two bags, and she took it, but what he said troubled her. “Would this fall into the category of behavior changes?” she asked.
Bax blinked, and then his eyes smiled. Just like his brother’s. “No,” he said slowly, eyeing her with an expression she couldn’t read. “No, I don’t think so.”
Meredith grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge, napkins and utensils, and carried the most expensive bag of takeout she’d ever seen up the stairs. Gray was frowning fiercely at his laptop screen when she entered.
“Who orders Ruth’s Chris to go?”
He looked up, completely surprised by her presence. And then a smile overtook his face.
“Someone who can’t leave his desk.” Gray stood and stretched, his arms splaying wide. He rolled his broad shoulders and arched his back, and Meredith wondered if he’d moved at all since she’d left two hours before.
“I spoke
with your editor. Sweet man. He’s completely on board with everything we need.”
His smile grew. “Thank you.”
“Are you going to take a break to eat?” she asked, setting the food on the little coffee table in front of his loveseat. He looked exhausted.
Gray nodded and rubbed his head. “Yeah, my eyes are…”
She froze. “Your eyes are what?”
He dropped his hands and raised a brow at her. “…tired. My eyes are tired.” He crossed the room to her. “But seeing you helps.”
She bit down on her smile at his line. “You don’t want to go downstairs and eat with your family?”
He shook his head. “No. I want to have dinner with you. Like we planned.” The easy, gentle way he spoke made her shoulders soften. It made everything soften. She sat down on the edge of the loveseat and reached for the takeout bag. Gray claimed the spot beside her and cracked open each bottle of water.
Meredith unloaded two small containers and two entree-sized cartons. “Do you know what we’re eating tonight?” Savory smells teased her, and she felt the pangs of hunger long-ignored.
“I’m assuming it’s what I ordered. Petite filet with roasted Brussels sprouts and mashed potatoes.”
Humbled, Meredith didn’t know what to say. Telling him she’d never been to Ruth’s Chris would have only made her feel even more uncultured, so she didn’t know how to thank him.
“It smells delicious.”
Gray popped open the lid of one of the containers and slid it to her. Her mouth watered. “It seems wrong to eat this out of a to-go box.”
He chuckled. “Want me to go down and get us plates?”
“Uh, no.” She pulled the container closer and handed Gray his napkin and utensils. “I’m not complaining.”
He watched her for a moment and then opened his dinner. “You’re not going to start eating until I do, are you?” He stabbed his filet with a fork and took the steak knife to it.
He was right, but she chose not to respond. Instead she followed his lead and cut herself a bite.
“Mmm…” She moaned, unable to help herself. Seared to perfection and kissed with melted butter, the filet was the best steak she’d ever tasted. “That’s just… wow.”
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