by Heart, Skye
“Wow, I had no idea, Nai?” I said. I knew there was a possibility that she still felt something for Chris, but I did not know it ran that deep. She rarely talked about the breakup with anyone, and after a while, I just stopped asking.
“Yeah, I was afraid of getting hurt, because he was the only man that I’ve ever let close to my heart. But I miss him so much, Nena.” Naima sat up, and reached for the tissue box on the coffee table. “I know I hurt him,” she continued, “I just hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me.” She finished, dabbing at her eyes. Her voice was a little shaky, and I moved to put my arms around her. Listening to her sniffles, caused my own tears to come forth, but I held them back.
“It’s okay hon, I’m sure he’ll understand.” I encouraged.
“You think?” She asked, pulling away to reach for another tissue.
“Yes. Chris loved you, how could he not understand? And just as much as you’re missing him right now, I bet he’s missing you more,” I said with a smile, and Naima smiled back. “But you have to be the one to make it right,” I continued. “You’re the one who broke his heart. You alienated yourself from him. You never wrote him back, or returned any of his calls. And after a while, he just gave up.” I told her. Naima nodded, finally accepting responsibility for her actions.
“I know. I know. I just don't know what to do now. I really do love him, Nena.” She said sniffling.
“Then don't tell me that. Tell him.”
~CHRIS~
“Hello?” I answered after three rings.
“Hey Chris, it's me…Naima.” I blinked several times at the sound of her voice.
“Naima?” Was this a joke? I took the phone from my ear to look at it, before putting it back. “Wow. This is a surprise.” I said. Then she paused, and I waited, not knowing what to expect.
“Yeah, how are you?” She asked me. How are you? Was she really trying to make small talk with me? Then, I shook my head; she had a lot of nerve.
“Great.” I said, with as much sarcasm as I could muster. There was silence again on the other end. I did not think I would ever hear from her again. In a way, I did not want to either. After all, she was the only woman I let break my heart. Just the mere thought of that made me angry again.
“What do you want?” I asked coldly.
“Well...um...I'm going to be in town for a while, and I would like to see you. Can I come over?” She asked me. Her voice was shaky, and she sounded emotional, but I did not care.
“For what?” I asked, with absolutely no interest in seeing her again. “At this point Naima, I could give a rat’s ass, about whatever it is, that you have to say to me right now.” I hoped that my words cut through her like a knife, the way hers did to me, five years ago.
“Please Chris. I know you are mad at me, and I do not blame you, but please. Can I come over, so we could talk about this? Please?” She pleaded. Was she begging? Who in the hell was this anyway? The Naima I remembered, showed no emotion at all, when she ripped my heart out, and essentially used it as target practice. Ever since then, I have been careful not to let anyone in, or get too close to me, except for…
“Please, baby, I really need to see you.” She begged again. Wow. As angry as I was with her, the way she called me baby, did something to me. Tears now stung my eyes, when memories of the way we were, resurfaced. Her smile, her laugh, and the way it made me feel to hear her say ‘I love you,’ tugged at the absolute core of me. I gave her the best of me, and she threw it in my face. And why? I did not know, but she sure as hell, was going to tell me. She at least, owed me that much.
“Where are you?” I finally asked, feeling like such a punk.
“Nena's. This is where I’ll be staying, while I’m in town.” She sounded relieved, and I paused again, on purpose. Naima waited.
“All right,” I finally said. “I guess I’ll see you later then. Nena knows where I live.” I said, immediately ending the call.
~NAIMA~
“Are you okay?” Nena walked in, just in time for me to hit the END button, on my cell.
“He's still angry with me,” I said, shaking my head. “I could hear it in his voice.” I told her. Then, Nena sat next to me on the bed.
“What happened? What did he say?” She asked me.
“Never mind that. I have to go see him. Can you take me over there?” I asked her. I was determined to make things right again with Chris. I could not let another year go by, letting him think, that I did not care about him. I had to let him know how much I still loved him.
“Sure, I can take you there. Are you sure you’re going to be all right, though?” Nena asked, as if she were debating taking me over there. Backing out now, was not an option for me.
“Yeah, I’ll be okay. I just have to talk to him.” I said. The thought of seeing Chris again made my heart beat a little faster. I was scared, but also excited to see him again, after all these years. However, it saddened me to hear the resentment in his voice.
“He sounded like he didn’t even want to hear my voice, let alone see me.” I said, and fingered the necklace I wore around my neck. At the end of the gold chain, was a heart-shaped locket, with our pictures inside. I never took it off. Although it was my choice to let Chris go, I could never let go, of the love that we once shared. Many lonely nights, I cried myself to sleep, in my empty apartment, longing for him. How could I have been so stupid? He was like the perfect man for me, and I ruined it. Then, Nena touched my shoulder, jarring me back to the present.
“Hey, it'll be okay. Just tell him how you feel. Tell him what you told me. You ready?” She asked me. I took a deep breath, and nodded.
“Let's go.”
A half hour later, Nena pulled into the parking lot of Chris' apartment building. Then suddenly, my legs felt heavy, and I could not get out of the car.
“Hey. You want me to come in with you?” Nena said, noticing my disposition. I took a deep breath, and exhaled.
“No, that's okay. Thanks though. I have to do this alone.” I replied, touching my locket once more.
“Okay. Do you want me to wait for you?” She then asked. I thought about it for a moment, and then shook my head no.
“If anything, I’ll call you. Thanks sis. Love you.” I leaned over, and gave Nena a hug.
“Good luck.” She said, squeezing my hand. I gave her a half smile, and climbed out of the car. Then, I watched Nena's car pull away, before walking up to the building's entrance. Slowly making my way up the stairs, to the fourth floor, I contemplated what I would say to Chris. I was undoubtedly nervous, and my stomach felt like it does while waiting for the results of an STD test. I longed, but also feared to see him. When I finally reached his door, I took a deep breath, and lightly knocked on it. Chris immediately opened the door, and the sight of him left me breathless. He had gained quite a bit of weight, but it was all rock hard, solid muscle. I noticed the way his thin white T-shirt clung to his enormous biceps. Then, he eyed me up and down, just the same. We stood there, for what seemed like such a long time, when he finally stepped out of the doorway, to let me in.
~CHRIS~
“Want something to drink? I have raspberry tea.” Naima looked at me, and smiled.
“You remembered.” She said hopeful. I gave her a slight smile, closing the door behind her.
“Yeah, I remember a lot of things.” I said, and looked her up and down. She was still as sexy as I remembered. Man, that dress, and those thighs… I quickly shook my head at the memories, when I caught Naima blushing. Then, I opened the fridge, grabbed a bottle, and handed it to her. She followed, as I made my way into my living room, and motioned for her to sit. Then, she sat on the couch, and I sat in the chair across from her. I needed to be able to think straight, and I could not do that sitting next to her, smelling as good as she did. Then, silence thickened the air. I watched her put the bottle to her shiny red lips, and sipped, while I drank in the sight of her. She was even more beautiful than I remembered. She always had sexy legs.
The way the silky smooth surface of her skin, had felt beneath my hands made me want her again. She crossed and uncrossed her legs, and then I realized she was nervous. All the same, I could not help but wonder, if she still felt as good as I remembered, in between those thighs of hers. At that instant, I felt a slight bulge began to rise beneath my shorts at the thought, and I quickly snapped out of it. I brought myself back to the present, and was prepared to let all the animosity, I now felt towards her, spill out.
“I only have one question,” I began, and waited for her to look at me, before I spoke again. “Why?” I asked her. First, Naima looked away for a moment, and then turned her attention back to me.
“I was afraid.” She said softly.
“Afraid of what?” I snapped, unwilling to mask my contempt for her.
“Of change, I guess.” She replied, with her head down.
“No, don't 'guess,'” I demanded, voice rising. “I want you to be real with me Naima. I loved you, and I thought you loved me!”
“I did love you Chris! I mean, I do love you, but...” she tried to say.
“So why the hell did you just end it like that!” I shouted, cutting her off. Clearly, this was going to be a losing battle for her. She, like many women, had no idea that when a man finally lets his guard down, and lets her in, and she betrays him for whatever reason, there is usually no coming back from that. Naima was crying now, and I could care less, for what might as well have been crocodile tears. I was too angry to give a damn about her feelings, as I remembered what had transpired between us, five years ago.
I had come over to tell her the news about my joining the Navy, but I did not know at the time, that she had already heard it from Nena.
“Hey baby. You okay? What’s wrong?” I had asked her, when I came to her apartment one evening. I could always tell when something was bothering her, usually she would tell me what it was, and we would work it out somehow. However, this particular time was different.
“Nothing.” She lied.
“Are you sure?” I asked her, unconvinced.
“Yes!” She replied, with a bit of an attitude. I shook my head at her, and continued with the purpose of my visit.
“Well, as you know, today’s our two-year anniversary, and I got a little surprise for you.” I said with a smile, daringly trying to gauge one from her too. Little did I know at the time, there was nothing for me to smile about. Naima looked away, and rolled her eyes. Then, I reached into my pocket, to give her what I could not wait to show her, hoping that it would lighten her mood a bit.
“Chris, I…” she tried to say, but I cut her off.
“Wait. Open this first.” I held out the small box I got from Kay Jewelers. She sighed, and reluctantly took the box, and opened it. Inside, laid the gold, heart-shaped locket that I noticed she now wore around her neck. The outline of the heart was in diamonds that sparkled under the light overhead.
“You like it?” I had asked her, certain that I would get a yes.
“It’s beautiful.” She said, none too enthusiastic. Then to my surprise, she shut the box, placed it on the nightstand, and stood up from her bed.
“Chris, I can’t do this anymore.” She had said.
“What do you mean? What’s wrong?” I asked confused. “What I mean is that I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” She responded.
“What? Why? I thought everything was going good between us.” I said, confused.
“I just…I don’t know. Just go. Please.” She said turning her back to me.
“What? What are you talking about? What the hell is your problem, Naima?” I asked frustrated.
“I don’t feel like getting into it right now. I just know that it’ll never work between us.” She tried to explain, without really explaining.
“Never work? What the hell! Where’s all this coming from!” I yelled. Then, I stopped and stared at her, but she avoided my eyes. I was getting tired of always begging her to talk to me, and tell me what was wrong. I had enlisted into the US Navy less than two weeks prior, and ever since then, she has had a stick up her ass. I had not told her I enlisted yet, but had planned to on our two-year anniversary today, surprising her with the necklace, and asking her to move to Virginia with me. For a while, I had thought that her mood swings were due to PMS or something, but then realized, they ran much deeper than that. Maybe she was not feeling me as I was feeling her.
“Look Chris, I’m sorry. This is so hard for me to explain but…” she had tried to say again.
“You know what? Save your fucking explanations. I’m out!” I said to her, and walked out, slamming the door behind me. That was the last time we saw each other, until now…
“Chris, please let me explain.” She now said.
“Go ahead. I'm listening.” I replied, glaring at her. I could tell my fixed stare made her uncomfortable. Good, I thought. I was not about to make this easy for her.
“When you came to me that night, I had already known that you had joined the Navy, and at the time, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. When Nena told me that you and Tony signed up together, I did not know what to think. I did not know what would become of us. I was afraid of getting hurt.” She explained.
“What?” I leaned forward. “You thought I’d hurt you?” I asked again, shaking my head. “I fucking loved your ass! Why the fuck would I want to hurt you!” I yelled.
“I don't know!” She yelled back, seemingly desperate to fix this. Good, I thought again. “It's just that I knew you were leaving, and I knew where you were going. I started thinking about how we could possibly make our relationship work, with you living so far away. It just didn’t seem like…” she tried to explain.
“Didn’t seem like what?” I cut her off again. “Like it would ever work, with my living here, and you up there?” I questioned.
“Yes.” She replied, finally able to look at me, for more than two seconds. I chuckled at her answer, and shook my head again.
“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I’d ask you to come with me? That maybe I loved you just that fucking much? And that every minute I spent away from you, made me miss you like crazy, and want to be with you that much more? Huh, Nai? All that damn thinking you were doing! Did you ever stop to think about that?” I screamed at her. She began crying even harder now. Good. I wanted her to feel bad.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” She said softly.
“Well newsflash Nai!” I said, rising from the chair, not giving a damn about her tears. “I would have! I loved you just that fucking much! And instead of trusting in that love, instead of trusting me, you decided to do what you thought was best, and end our relationship without even telling me how you really felt!” I continued, getting even louder than before. “I don’t know. Maybe you thought you didn’t have to,” I speculated. “Maybe you just didn’t give a fuck about me, or us!” I shouted, looking down at her.
“How could you say that?” She screamed.
“How can I not!” I bellowed back. “I have never loved any woman as much as I loved you! You should have at least come to me, and told me how you felt, when you learned I enlisted. You should have trusted me! I loved you more than anything! I would have done anything for you! And yes, if that meant marrying you, so you could move here with me, I would have! You should have known that I wouldn't do anything to hurt you! But obviously, you had no idea who the fuck I was, or else you would have never thought I’d do some shit like that, and leave without you!”
“Don't you think I know that now?” She cried, rising from the sofa.
“Oh. It took five fucking years for you to realize that shit!” I barked back. I began to pace back and forth, because I was too riled up now. I kept this in for five years, and now I was letting it all out. “I wrote you, and you never wrote back. I tried calling you, and you never returned my calls. Now, what was I supposed to think, huh? It's like you disappeared. You say you loved me, and that is how you showed it? By feeding me a bunch of bull, with a sid
e of fuck you!” I stopped in front of her, waiting for her to say something else that could possibly excuse what she did. So far, I was not hearing it. Then, her eyes softened.
“Look, I don't expect you to forget about what I did to you, but...” she said sniffling.
“Then why the fuck are you here? What do you want?”
I know that was harsh, but I did not give a shit. She deserved it. Then, Naima looked in my eyes and said, “You.” I sighed in frustration, not knowing what else to say. I certainly did not want to make this easy for her, but her humility was not making rejecting her, any easier on me either.
“The biggest mistake I made in my life was letting you go,” she began, “and I know that all the 'I’m sorries’ in the world, is not going to make the pain that I caused, go away. But, I truly am sorry Chris. I never meant to hurt you. Please forgive me.” She said, placing her hand on the side of my face, and drawing me to her. Yet, before her lips could touch mine, I stopped. Then, I pushed her hand away, and took a step back.
“Show yourself out.” I said, walking past her into my bedroom, and then slamming the door. Although still very much angry, I felt somewhat bad. I did not want to bug out on her, but once I started, I could not stop. Then, I listened carefully for the front door. When I heard it open and shut, I walked out of my bedroom. Subsequently, to my dismay, Naima was still standing there, and I frowned. Then, she walked up, and stood directly in front of me. Agitated, I took a step to the right, and she stepped to her left, blocking my path. Then, I stepped back to my left, and she stepped to her right again, stopping me from going around her.
“What are you doing?” I asked, looking down at her, resisting the urge to push her out of my way.