by Heart, Skye
“Excuse me.” I said, getting up from my desk, and making a beeline towards my office bathroom.
“Are you all right?” Starr asked, standing up. Without an answer, I disappeared behind the door. Inside the bathroom, I quickly lifted up the toilet seat, as my stomach contents expelled into the bowl. Shortly thereafter, I heard a tap on the door.
“Nai, are you all right?” Starr said again. I flushed the toilet, then swished some Listerine in my mouth, and wet my face, before coming out. Feeling a bit off balance, I took a seat on the leather sofa in my office, and rubbed my temple. My head started throbbing again. Starr sat next to me, her expression quizzical.
“Maybe you should go home Nai, cause you don’t look so good.” She suggested, rubbing my back. I shook my head.
“No. I’m fine. I just skipped lunch, because I have been so busy. When I do not eat, I get nauseous. I just need some water, and I’ll be fine.” I replied.
“Okay,” Starr got up, crossed the room, and went to the mini fridge behind my desk. She retrieved a bottle of water, and came back to the couch. After handing me the bottle, she watched as I took a long sip before speaking.
“Nai, is there a chance that you could be pregnant?” Starr asked with a frown, looking very serious. I spat out the remaining water in my mouth, stunned at her question.
“Excuse me?” I glared at her.
“I don’t know. I just noticed that you’ve been extra tired lately and…” she began to analyze, as if connecting the imaginary dots.
“That’s because I’ve been working my ass off.” I interrupted.
“And you’ve been having these headaches off and on very frequently…” she continued.
“Yeah, because I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I come in early, and I leave late.” I explained, interrupting her theoretical assumption again.
“And what about what just happened in the bathroom? That wasn’t the first time, since you been back, that I saw you rush to the bathroom, because you suddenly felt sick.” She said, emphasizing the word ‘suddenly’ with her fingers, indicating quotation marks. I rolled my eyes.
“Yeah well that was because…” I started to explain again.
“Will you stop arguing with me, and think about it for a sec?” She snapped. “When was the last time you had a period?” She asked me. I opened my mouth to answer, but stopped to think. Truthfully speaking, I could not remember having a period over the last couple of months. I had been so distracted with my job, and the thing with Nena, that I neglected to pay attention to my body.
“No. I’m not pregnant.” I said firmly. “I can’t be.” I insisted.
“Are you sure honey? Check your day planner. You always write down your periods. Maybe I am wrong about this, and it is just your job, that is making you sick. When you were in Virginia, did you and Chris use protection?” She asked me. I sighed putting my head down.
“Yes, but not every single time.” I admitted.
“Where’s your day planner?” Starr asked, looking around. I sighed again.
“It’s over there on my desk.” Starr got up again, and was back within seconds, with the burgundy leather book in hand. Then, she began to flip backwards through the pages.
“Let me see that.” I said, taking the book, determined to prove her wrong. I started flipping through the pages myself, and stopped when I came across my last menstrual cycle entry. Then, I closed my eyes, and tried to remember a time that perhaps, I had forgotten to write it down, but I could not. I was very punctual with dates, so there was no way this was a mistake.
“Oh no,” I said, as my heart quickened. “Oh God,” I said again, dropping the book on the couch. I stood up, and started to pace.
“What?” Starr questioned, picking up the book. Then, she flipped back to the page I was looking at, before I dropped it. “August? Your last period was in August?” She asked in shock.
“Well, technically yeah, but that doesn’t mean anything. Sometimes, I forget to write it down. And lately, I’ve been so preoccupied with work that it must have just slipped my mind.” I lied, in complete denial.
“Nai, you have to take a pregnancy test.” She urged, still searching for further entries past August, in my planner. I closed my eyes, willing the possibility away.
“You know what? There is no way I am pregnant. I will take the stupid test, just to prove you wrong. Missed periods can be a sign of stress, which I’ve had a great deal of lately, not always pregnancy.” I reasoned, trying to convince myself of that.
“True, but better to be safe, than sorry, Nai.” Starr suggested. I continued to pace the room, with my hands on my hips. There is no way, I thought to myself. I had better not be pregnant, especially not for that son of a bitch. The thought of Chris made me even angrier. I hated him for what he did. I hope to God that I am not pregnant with his baby.
“I’ll take the test,” I said again, “but right now, I have a million things to do.” I needed time alone to think.
“Okay. Want me to stop by the drug store for you?” Starr asked standing up, bag in hand.
“Sure. Thanks.” I replied, and then she gave me a hug.
“Don’t worry, Nai. Try to relax. Everything’s going to be fine, okay?” She tried to reassure me. I faked a smile and nodded. Then I walked her to the door, and closed it behind her, after she left. Finally, alone, I leaned against the door, and tried not to cry. There was a time that I would have been thrilled to have Chris’ baby, but now, the possibility of me carrying his child, was sickening. I hated him with a passion. He was not the man I thought he was. He was no longer the man I used to love. I hated the fact that a small part of me still cared for him, while a great deal of me loathed him. I would be crazy to have his child, not after what he did. Then, I closed my eyes, and prayed that the test came out negative. I had too much on my plate, to add anything else on. Moving from the door, I went back to my desk, and sat down in my chair. I eyed the papers on my desk, trying to figure out which stack to tackle first. Starting with the highest stack of manila folders, I grabbed the first one, and opened it up. As I tried to study this quarter’s figures, my mind kept wandering. How could I be so stupid? Why had I not used a condom with Chris? I knew better than that, and I was supposed to be smarter than that. Now, I shook my head at myself, disappointed. Subsequently, I closed the folder in my hand, and put it back in the pile. Then, I sat back in my chair again, thinking about the last time I was with Chris. It all seemed so long ago, and I wanted to forget that he ever existed. Unfortunately, now, I had the possibility of being pregnant with his child, hanging over my head. How sick is that? First Nena, and now me? I shook my head again, then grabbed my purse, and stood up. My generously spacious office, suddenly felt suffocating, and I had to get some air.
24
~NENA~
I slowly made my way up the stairwell to the fourth floor of Chris’ apartment. I opted for the stairs, to prolong the inevitable, of seeing him for the first time, since my release from the hospital. With every step I took, I became even more nervous. After having heard the many heartfelt messages he left on my cell phone voicemail, I finally mustered up the courage to call him. I was surprised he answered after the first ring, as if he was expecting my call. The thought of that made me smile. Touched, by how much he cared for me, I could not let another day go by, without seeing him. When I finally reached the landing to the fourth floor, I pulled the door open, and then made my way down the long narrow hallway, until I reached his door. When I raised my fist to knock on it, the door flew open. All of a sudden, Chris stood before me, and I felt my knees buckle. I opened my mouth to speak, when he took a step forward, and embraced me. He held me tight, and I hugged him back. After what seemed like a long time, I finally spoke.
“Um, can you let me go now, so we can go inside, because I’m freezing?” I said, trying to lighten the mood. He let me go, and smiled. Then, he took my hand. Once inside, he shut the door, and I turned so he could remove my coat. As he hun
g my coat in the foyer closet, I went into his living room, and sat down. When he started to come join me on the sofa, he stopped midway. Then, I looked away, because I knew what he was staring at, and I did not want to start crying again. Without a word, he joined me on the couch, and said nothing. Though I could still feel him staring, I looked straight ahead, avoiding his eyes. Then, after I regained my composure, I finally turned to him, fighting back tears.
“As you can see, I’m no longer pregnant.” I said to him. Without a word, he turned, and put his arms around me. Then, I buried my head in his chest, and started sobbing. Chris then rested his chin on my head, and I heard him sobbing too. “I was in so much pain that the doctor had to deliver my baby,” I started to explain through tears. “He was stillborn.” I said, barely managing to get the words out. Chris remained silent. “He never had a chance, and it’s all my fault.” I said, taking responsibility for my son’s death. Then, Chris lifted my head, so I could look at him. His face was damp with tears.
“Do not say that. This was not your fault.” He stated sternly. “What happened was out of your control.” He assured me, wiping away his own tears.
“Wasn’t it?” I questioned through tears. “I mean, how could it not have been? I made myself sick with all the lies, and the secrets, I was keeping. He never had a chance because of me!” I screamed.
“Listen to me,” Chris said taking my hand. “There was no way you could have known that this would happen. It’s not your…” he tried to say again.
“No! No! Don’t! Don’t try to convince me that this wasn’t my fault, because it was!” I yelled, pulling my hand away, standing up. “I did this! I killed him!” I screamed. Then, I buried my face in my hands, and dropped to my knees. Within seconds, Chris was by my side. He then grabbed hold of my arms, and shook me.
“Stop it! Stop it right now! This was not your fault, and I am not going to sit here, and let you do this to yourself! This happened, because God wanted it to happen. Not because of you, so stop blaming yourself!” He screamed at me. Then he pulled me into his arms, and forced me to stay there, as I continued to cry. I thought I was ready to get over losing my baby, but seeing Chris again, and having to tell him all about what happened, brought my pain back to the surface. “Come on, get up,” he said, pulling me to my feet. “C’mere,” he then said, pulling me to him. “What happened to our baby was horrible. I’m just glad I didn’t lose you too.” He whispered to me. His words suddenly made me feel uncomfortable, and I pushed out of his embrace. I took a few steps away from him, wiped my tears, and then looked up at him with sorrow. I could not bring myself to tell him the truth, because I did not want to hurt him.
“What is it?” He asked, noticing my uneasiness.
“Chris…he, um… he wasn’t yours.” I stammered. I could see the disappointment cloud his face, and then I saw his skepticism as well. “I had a paternity test done before I left the hospital,” I explained. “Tony was the father. I’m sorry.” I said to him. He looked away disconcerted. I knew how much he wanted to be the father, and I felt awful for having to tell him that he was not. Finally accepting it, he took a seat on the couch again, and ran his hand over his face. “I’m so sorry Chris.” I said again, feeling horrible.
“No, it’s okay. I mean, I knew it was fifty-fifty, I just did not expect him not to be mine. I was looking forward to becoming a dad.” He admitted.
“I know,” I said, rejoining him on the sofa. “I know how much this meant to you, Chris, and I’m sorry. I made such a mess of everyone’s lives.” I said, feeling responsible for all the misery I caused. Then, Chris turned to me again, and took my hand.
“Now, do not go blaming yourself again. I’m all right; disappointed, but all right.” He assured me. Then I respired, grabbed a tissue, dabbed under my eyes.
“I feel so drained. I have done nothing, but cry all the time. Everything is such a mess, and I don’t even know how to begin to repair the damage that I’ve done.” I said.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Nena. You were just following your heart.” He said, brushing a strand of hair from my face.
“No, I was being selfish. And it cost me my sister, and my marriage.” I said regrettably. Feeling broken, I felt another onslaught of tears coming.
“They’ll come around.” Chris assured me.
“I hope so Chris. I really do.” I counted on.
“How’s Tony? I can’t imagine he knows that you’re here.” Chris said, and I sighed again.
“No. His ship is under way. He’s been gone almost two weeks now.” I told him.
“Oh.” Chris said, and then stared at me longingly. At that moment, he gently brushed the side of my face with the back of his hand. “I missed you so much,” he whispered, drawing my face towards his. I then caught his hand in mine, and turned away.
“Chris, I can’t.” I objected.
“Nena…” he started to say, but I shook my head, and stood up.
“No Chris. This cannot happen. We cannot happen. I love Nai too much to do this to her again. She loved you Chris. So much, that she was willing to move out here to make a life with you, and I took that from her.” I said, dabbing the tissue at my eyes again.
“Nena, I know you love your sister, and I know this must be difficult for you, but please don’t walk away from us.” He begged, standing up as well. I moved away from him, and shook my head.
“Chris, there is no us! There never should have been an us! Can’t you see? We have hurt the people that we cared about the most. Our affair has cost me my sister, and you, your best friend. How can you not have any remorse for that?” I questioned.
“I don’t, because life is too short Nena. If anyone should know that now, it should be you.” He said. Then, I gasped, feeling the pain of loss all over again, and my eyes watered even more. “I am not saying this to hurt you, but you cannot live your life, based on what other people will think of you. If you do that, then you’ll never be happy.” He said. Then, I shook my head again, wiping my tears.
“Chris, how can you look at it that way? It’s as if you don’t care about either of them, or how they feel.”
“I care about you! And I’m sorry Nena, but that is all that matters to me right now. I love you!” He said, quickly closing the gap between us. With my hands up, I took a step back out of his reach.
“Chris, please don’t.” I protested when he reached me. He caught my wrists, and pulled me to him. His breath was so warm on my skin that my body, involuntarily, surrendered to his. Then, he gently grasped my chin once again, forcing me to look at him.
“I wouldn’t be doing this if I knew you didn’t feel the same way.” He whispered. With that said, he lowered his head to mine, and lightly kissed my lips. Equally, I put my hands on his chest, prepared to push him away, but could not bring myself to do so. I felt as though I were hypnotized, charmed under his spell. Then, he stalled the kiss, and with his lips still touching, mine, in a soft voice he said, “Tell me you don’t want this. Tell me you don’t want me, and I’ll leave you alone.”
“I don’t.” I whispered back, breathing heavily against his mouth. My body was on fire, and I started to quiver.
“Then why are you still here?” He challenged.
“I…” I started to say, but then closed my eyes.
“Yes?” He pressed. When I opened my eyes again, his gaze seemed to paralyze me.
“I love you too.” I finished.
~CHRIS~
I have waited a long time to hear Nena say those words to me. I kissed her again, and this time I deepened the kiss, to her submission. Then, she threw her arms around my neck, and drew me closer. I groped her breasts, before sweeping her off her feet, and carried her to my bedroom. I had fantasized many times about making love to her again, so I intended to savor this moment. As I laid her on my bed, I showered her delicious body with kisses, and then slowly began to undress her. After zipping down the jacket of her pink velour pantsuit, exposing her red-laced bra, I gent
ly kissed her cleavage. Then, I started a trail of kisses down to her navel. When I reached the drawstrings of her pants, I tugged at them, and then pulled her pants down, along with her matching red panties. I kissed each foot, as I pulled them out of her pant leg. She was divine. No other woman could ever amount to her, for as long as I lived. Thereafter, I removed my own clothes, led another trail of kisses up her legs, to the inside of her thighs, until I reached her mouthwatering, velvety lair. Instantly, her cries of ecstasy filled my ears, and her juices flowed freely on my tongue, as I devoured every drop of her sweet nectar. When I felt her hands on my head, inciting me to consume every ounce of her liquid passion, I could not wait any longer. I just had to have her. Then, I moved upwards, and slowed to kiss her C-section scar. When my lips found her breasts, I bit each nipple through the fabric of her bra. Readily, she unclasped the front closure of her bra, then pulled me up to her face, and kissed me fervently. I pushed the fabric away from her delectable mounds, and squeezed her breasts with my hands. As our tongues danced to the rhythm of our bodies, I slowly eased myself inside her.
~NENA~
After making love to Chris twice that night, I laid awake in his arms, staring at the ceiling. As I rested my head on his chest, many things ran through my mind. I felt so happy lying there in his arms, but I also felt saddened by the guilt, of having betrayed my sister again. My thoughts then drifted to Naima, and tears welled up in my eyes. How can I do this? How can I be with him, knowing how much it hurts you, Nai? I closed my eyes, trying not to feel the overwhelming culpability, which plagued my conscience. Once again, I felt torn over the love I had for my sister, and the love I felt for Chris. This is wrong, I thought. How can this work? My mind battled with my heart, at my predicament. I loved Nai dearly, but Chris now had my heart, which brought me to more tears. Then, I closed my eyes, and let them trickle down my face, onto his chest.
“Nena, you okay?” He asked, tilting his head, to see my face. When he saw my tears, he propped himself up, turning me to him. “What is it?” He asked, as I wiped my tears with the back of my hand.