Healing You

by Katana Collins

  Fuck, fuck. “When did they get so chummy?” Last he heard, Kyra had a long time school girl crush on Cam, and Lydia was her nemesis.

  He heard Cam’s chuckle on the other end. “They’ve been friendly for a while now.”

  And Kyra was Yvonne’s best friend in high school. “Dude, if your fiancée becomes friends with my ex, I might have to move to California.”

  “Oh, calm down. I said they’re friendly. Not friends. Look, why don’t you come over here for lunch instead? Lydia’s about to take Maddie shopping. I’ll make us something and we’ll have a beer down by the lake.”

  He pulled up to the stop sign, taking an extra moment to think. “Okay,” he said. As much as he felt like being alone, it probably wasn’t the best idea with the way his chest was tightening. The farther away he could stay from his anxiety meds right now, the better. Maybe a peaceful lunch on the edge of the lake would do him good. And if not, he had that run at six-thirty tonight.

  A few minutes later, he pulled into Cam’s driveway and got out in time to find Lydia unlocking her car. Maddie lit up when she saw him and she rushed into his arms, squeezing him in a hug.

  “Look,” she said, grinning wide at him. A space gaped where her canine tooth was missing. “It fell out last night.”

  Steve touched a finger under her chin, directing her giant smile toward the sun. “Look at that. Doesn’t look like you have many more to lose, huh?”

  “Nope! That was my last one.”

  “The last tooth?” he said, eying Lydia with a smile. “Wow, that must be worth a pretty penny to the tooth fairy. What’s the going rate for a tooth these days?”

  “I got five bucks for my last one.”

  “Five dollars?” Steve snorted. “I used to get one dollar. Maybe I should have gone into the tooth business instead.”

  “But then who would give Nibbler his shots?”

  Lydia smiled in return, smoothing her soon-to-be stepdaughter’s hair. “She’s got a point, Steve.”

  “Very true. So, I heard you two are doing some shopping?”

  Maddie pointed down to her shoes where a hole had worn away at her big toe. “Lydia says I’m sprouting like a giraffe on ’roids.”

  Lydia cringed and Steve barked a laugh. “Yeah,” she said. “I’m still getting used to what I should and shouldn’t say in front of a pre-teen. How about we change that to ‘sprouting like a ragweed’ when we repeat it from now on?”

  Maddie giggled, but nodded.

  “All right, then,” Steve said. “Don’t let me hold you up.”

  Maddie rushed to the car, hopping in the backseat, but Lydia stayed in front of him, looking over her shoulder until Maddie was out of listening range. “Heard you had a little run-in at Latte Da.”

  “Yeah. It’s nice to see you and Kyra getting along these days.”

  She shrugged. “She’s pretty great when you get to know her.”

  “And when your face isn’t the bull’s-eye on her proverbial dart board, right?”

  Lydia laughed, but gave him a reluctant nod.

  “Hey, brother.” Cam popped his head out of the front door. “Come around the back to the docks. I’ve got the grill going. Burgers okay?”

  “Hell, burgers sound great. I was just expecting sandwiches or something.”

  “You should know Cam well enough that he wouldn’t host a lunch half-assed.” Lydia pushed onto her toes, giving Steve a quick sisterly kiss on the cheek before she hopped over the car and drove away. “Have fun!” she called out the window.

  Nibbler peeked out from beside Cam’s leg, and seeing Steve, he charged—all full of spit, vinegar, and pure puppy adrenaline. He jumped onto his hind legs, nearly bowling Steve over. The labradoodle had scraggly, curly long hair that flopped into his eyes like a surfer dude after a day at the beach.

  “Hey, big guy.” He scratched beneath the scruff of Nibbler’s chin, and the dog delivered a sloppy kiss before bumbling his way down around the house toward the docks.

  Seeing the puppy reminded him of Yvonne. Again. Amanda and Carrie had helped him get the dog from Eve’s rescue last month, before he was back on speaking terms with her. When the puppy came in for a routine neuter, Steve felt it was just the dog for Cam, Lydia, and Maddie. The dog didn’t shed. He had energy to play and young enough to live a long life. Wicked smart and great with kids. And he’d lived with Yvonne. Damn near everything was reminding him of Yvonne these days.

  “Can I help get the burgers going?” Steve asked.

  “They’re taken care of. I always keep patties in the fridge, ready for a grill day. You never know in the summertime when people will just pop in.” Cam elbowed his younger brother and tossed him a russet potato. “We’ll throw some potatoes in foil though, and toss them on, too.”

  They walked around to the back porch together. “Remind me again why I don’t come over here more often for meals?”

  Cam slung an arm around his shoulders and Steve examined his older sibling carefully. Other than their blue eyes and dimples, the two couldn’t look more different. Cam had dark, almost curly hair, wore nothing but Hanes white T-shirts, and resembled their father almost exactly. Steve had fair hair, thick but on the straighter side, looked just like his Ma, and sported a tie almost every workday. And yet, personality-wise? Reverse that. Cam was just like Ma, and Steve, for better or worse, was just like his dad. In everything, down to his near-death experience.

  *

  One hour and two burgers later, Steve reclined in the deck chair overlooking the lake as Nibbler jumped in and out of the water, trying to catch fish. His brother had sunglasses covering his eyes, his face angled at the beating sun. This was turning out to be a pretty good day. Fight outside of Lex’s aside, it had ended somewhat playfully. And if Yvonne would agree to go on this run with him later? It could go from good to great.

  Or it could result in another blow out fight in the middle of the town square. It could result in trudging up past pain and memories that should long be left buried. He felt good with her. It felt right. But just because biting into that rich chocolate felt momentarily incredible, didn’t mean you wouldn’t get a cavity later.

  “What are you thinking about over there?” Cam asked, disrupting his thoughts.

  “Temptations.”

  “That temptation wouldn’t happen to be a blonde with a penchant for helping the four-legged variety, would it?”

  “And if I said yes?”

  Cam was quiet for a moment, looking out at the lake as Nibbler splashed around. “Hell if I know, man. I’m not gonna lie… since after your accident, she hasn’t exactly been my favorite person. But what do I know? I only just barely got my shit back together a few months ago.”

  “Good—because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could pretend to hold mine together for your sake.”

  “What are you talking about? You’ve got it together. You’re one of the smartest guys I know. You’ve got a successful practice. Friends. Family—”

  “I’ve got siblings. And Ma. I don’t have a family like you have a family.” Steve looked around at the life his brother had built. Hell, the second life he’d built, in a way. A daughter. A soon-to-be-wife. This seemed like happiness. And it seemed light years away from anything Steve could obtain.

  “Yeah, I finally have it. After doing everything possible to push away a second chance at love.”

  Steve swallowed hard. Not only had Cam found intense love once… but after Maddie’s mom, his first wife, died, he managed to find it twice. “Some people get lucky.” Twice. “Others of us, don’t.”

  “You haven’t exactly been open to love, ya know?”

  “I go on dates,” Steve said, suddenly defensive.

  “I’m sure you do. But I sure as hell haven’t met any of them. For all I know, you became a monk after Yvonne.”

  It was true. Even though his body hadn’t abstained, his heart sure as hell had. “She basically said she wasn’t sure she could ever forgive me. And if I was her? I
don’t know that I could either.”

  Cam grew quiet, his head slowly shaking. He took a quick sip of beer, swallowing it down. “It was an accident. One that the police ruled wasn’t even your fault.”

  Steve snorted at that. Yeah… on the books it wasn’t. But he knew better. He was at fault, even if records didn’t show that. If he had been paying more attention to the road and not focusing on Yvonne’s lips on his neck, he could have seen that driver swerve into his lane. He could have seen the deer on the other side of the road. He could have been driving slower. Could have, could have, could have.

  “And after the accident? She wrote some horrible things to you. You deserve to receive an apology as much to give one.”

  “How many people have you almost killed, Cam?”

  His brother sighed, looking out to the lake. “That’s not—”

  “None,” Steve answered for him. “You’ve never almost killed anyone. You don’t know the sort of guilt that it comes with.”

  “All I’m saying is that she wasn’t an innocent party in all of it, either. How long are you going to beat yourself up over this?”

  “For as long as she needs me to,” he answered, taking a sip of his drink.

  Cam sighed, shaking his head. “You know… I don’t think you want her to forgive you. Because her forgiving you means you’d actually have to attempt a relationship with her, and that scares the shit out of you.”

  Those words saturated Steve’s thoughts. Was his brother right? Steve was scared, he could admit that. He hadn’t had a real, long term relationship since high school, and he wasn’t exactly great at it back then. He was terrified of hurting her again and getting hurt in return. It had always made more sense to keep Eve at arm’s length. But now that she had awakened something inside of him, he wasn’t sure anymore.

  The letter she wrote was harsh. And blunt. She never wanted to see him again. But it was also a wake-up call. And ultimately it was his choice to walk away. It was his decision to leave without talking to her or confronting her one final time. Those horrible things she said, she thought… she felt about him. They hurt. They cut deeper than the damn scar on his face, but he couldn’t blame her for that anger. Could something like that, something so deeply rooted, ever just dissolve? Or was love like water—with the ability to take many forms, switching from liquid to solid to gas and back again. Maybe it was ever changing, ever evolving, and expecting it to stay in one form throughout all kinds of climates was unrealistic.

  “Maybe it does scare the shit out of me,” he finally answered, clearing his throat.

  Cam looked surprised. But just as quickly as it appeared, it was gone. Because that was Cam—steady, unwavering. Even when he was caught entirely off guard, it was fleeting before he was composed once more.

  “What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with being cautious? Guarding my heart, her heart… and preserving myself?” Steve ran a hand down his face, his palm brushing against the raised skin at his scar.

  “There’s nothing wrong with that. But by existing to only preserve what’s here already? Means you’re not growing. That accident changed your life completely… for the better. Where the hell would you be if you had continued on that path from high school?”

  Steve didn’t allow him to think about that too often. In a lot of ways, nearly dying had given him life. The chance to reinvent himself. “Who knows where I’d be. Probably lying in a ditch somewhere, hung over.”

  Cam was stone-faced. “Your outer wounds have healed. It’s time to let the inner ones do the same.”

  The sun peeked out from behind a cloud, and a burst of golden warmth shined down on them. And for all of a moment, Steve felt his father there with them. That blast of warmth, of light, was like Mike Tripp, his father, agreeing with Cam’s statement. Swallowing past the tightness in his throat, Steve pushed his sunglasses up on his head, grabbing the plates and the empty bottles to bring out to the recycling.

  “Where you off to now?”

  Steve sighed, throwing his big brother a wink. “I’m a doctor. If I want to heal, that means I gotta take my medicine.”

  ‡

  Chapter Thirteen

  Yvonne couldn’t help but smile as she walked home from Lila’s diner—dog-less. Benny, the puggle, was officially fostered… most likely soon to be adopted. His perky, excitable nature perfectly mirrored Lila’s energy. It was a long walk into town from Yvonne’s townhouse, but she’d wanted Benny to be well exercised meeting Lila for the first time, and Yvonne didn’t mind a two and a half mile walk each way. Living in New England, she wanted to embrace the beautiful weather while she could. Soon enough, they’d be right back in the thick of winter, trudging through piles of snow.

  The rush of placing a dog in its perfect home buzzed through her body. She was sad and happy and excited all at once. Foolish tears pooled in her eyes and she swiped them away. It was so stupid to cry. She’d see Benny all the time around town. But even so, as much as she tried to tell herself not to get attached to any of her rescues, she almost always did.

  Grabbing her keys from her back pocket, Yvonne skipped up her driveway and stopped dead as she took the sharp turn around the shrubs leading the pathway to her front door. Steve sat there on her front stoop. Mesh shorts hung low to his knees, a T-shirt hugging his muscular chest. He held a leash loosely in his hand. His smile spread slowly like gooey peanut butter over warm toast. “Well, hey there. I was getting worried you were standing me up.”

  Yvonne crossed her arms. “Standing you up? I don’t think I actually agreed to this—” This what? Date? Jogging buddy? Meeting? What the hell was “this” exactly?

  He shrugged. “My mistake. I thought you had.” He pushed off his knees, standing. “But since I’m here… we might as well go together if you were thinking of running.”

  “Well, I wasn’t.” And it was the truth. She left out the fact that it was because she was avoiding bumping into him again.

  Steve nibbled the inside of his cheek for just a moment before nodding. “That’s a shame. Molly’s great company.” He scratched his dog behind the ear. “But she’s not much of a conversationalist. Makes three miles kind of quiet, you know?”

  “Three miles?” She arched her brow. “That’s a warm-up run for me.”

  “If it’s that easy, then throw on your sneakers, Sarzacki. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

  Damn him. He knew the three-mile comment would spur her competitive nature. “The dogs have all been alone most of the day. I should really spend some time with them.”

  Steve shrugged. “Bring them. Four dogs, four hands.” He gestured between them.

  “You think they’d all be okay?”

  “Well, Daisy should probably rest and let her infection heal a little longer. But the others should be fine. We’ll keep a close eye on Gatsby and take a lot of water breaks.”

  She perked up at that. “Really? Gatsby could come?” Her poor dog hadn’t had a good run since last weekend, before he got sick. She’d been too worried about him to take him out with her.

  “If he can’t run with a vet, who can he run with?”

  Damn. He’d found her kryptonite. Not that it was a huge secret. Those dogs would always be her weak spot.

  “We can even run slower than usual,” he said.

  Yvonne put her keys in the door. “Nuh-uh. Don’t blame my dog when you can’t keep up. Let me just change.”

  “Can I have a look at Daisy while you dress?”

  She nodded and held the door open.

  Steve and Molly were greeted by Gatsby and Daisy hopping around. She let out the other rescue dog from his crate, a beagle that she had temporarily named Ruckus. The dogs bounced around each other playfully.

  A few minutes later, after Yvonne had changed into her running gear, she returned to her living room to discover it had essentially turned into a doggie playground. Gatsby, Ruckus, and Molly were tearing through her kitchen and living room. Daisy was perched in Steve’s lap, barki
ng, enjoying the attention he was giving her.

  A breath caught in her chest at how casually and perfectly he seemed to fit into her life. Sitting on her couch. His feet propped on her coffee table. Her dogs surrounding him. He leaned back, one arm slung over the back of the loveseat. His gaze swept her body as she walked out of the bedroom and he swallowed hard enough that she could see the movement clenching against his roped neck.

  He cleared his throat and stood. “Her infection’s healing well,” he said, gently putting Daisy down. “But she should probably sit out this run.”

  Yvonne put her hands on her hips. “Something tells me we’ll have our hands full with these three anyway.” And thank God for that. The sight of Steve on her couch, in her life… she was going to need her hands occupied to stop herself from wrapping them around his shoulders.

  *

  Oh, my God! Steve sucked in any amount of oxygen that his lungs could get. Three miles was typically a breeze for him… a breeze! And here he was wheezing like an asthmatic.

  Yvonne slowed to a trot at the top of the West End Promenade that overlooked the park below, loosely holding Gatsby’s leash in her hand. There was barely a line of sweat visible on her brow, and she looped around to backtrack to Steve. Jesus, this was embarrassing. His lungs burned, quads ached and his heart was pounding, but even still, he did everything he could to breathe steadily before she got to him. They’d done just under three miles, and damn if Steve didn’t need the break before Gatsby. Yvonne was so much faster than him that she’d run ahead, give Gatsby a rest, and then start running again once Steve caught up—basically giving him no time to rest whatsoever. He was a pretty solid eight and a half minute miler—but Yvonne? She must have been almost a full minute faster than he was.

  She stopped in front of him, dropping her hands to her hips. A haughty smile splayed across her lips. Somewhere between panting and chugging the remainder of his water bottle, Steve caught his breath. “Where… the hell… did you learn to run like that?” he asked, sucking air between words.

  He walked to the edge of the park and plopped down on the grass beside where Molly, Gatsby, and Ruckus were cooling off. He didn’t even care at that point if she followed him for the rest or not. Grabbing the tennis ball out of his pocket that he usually brought for Molly, he rolled it down his thigh muscles, working out his IT Band which tended to flare up on his harder runs.