by Hayden Hunt
Perhaps I couldn’t imagine getting over him because it seemed pointless to try to get over someone you loved this deeply. Maybe I wasn’t meant to. Maybe I was supposed to fight for this.
I knew that there were plenty of decent reasons for people to break up. Toxic relationships, different goals in life, there were plenty of external circumstances that could break apart love.
But I wasn’t even in that situation! This wasn’t a case of a toxic relationship. It wasn't that we didn’t want the same things in life. Our goals seemed to align together really well.
No, instead, I wasn’t with him because of a fucking misunderstanding. Because of some stupid insecurity that could be worked through. Was that seriously what was going to destroy my relationship? How could I let him slip through my fingers over insecurity?!
I couldn’t. That was all there is to it. I wasn't going to do this. I wasn't going to let him get away. Not if I had any say in it.
After weeks of moping, I was done. This was the day that it ended. Because I didn’t think I was strong enough to suffer another day like this, anyway.
I was going to fight for him. Whether he liked it or not, he was worth it. Whether he liked it or not, we were going to figure out his insecurities and his emotions together. Because that was what we were supposed to do. That was what I was here for, to be his rock.
I was going to be his rock.
I knew there was no way I was going to reach him by phone; I had tried that enough times and I doubted he was listening to my messages.
No, I was going to have to find a way to talk him that he could not ignore. And unfortunately, there was only one way to do that.
I grabbed my keys and my cell phone, and headed out the door to Gabe’s place. I knocked on the door, not expecting much, and not receiving an answer when I called for him to come to the door.
But that was fine. I didn’t need him to come to the door. He might not even have been home. What I was going to do was stand here until I saw him. Eventually, he’d either have to leave his house or come back home from being out. When he did either of those things, I would be here.
And I wouldn’t be a pushover about things, either. I was going to be strong. I would tell him exactly how I felt and let him know that this was ridiculous. I loved him, that was what mattered. He was good enough for me. He always would be good enough for me.
I practiced the speech I’d give him in my head as I held my head up high. I wanted to look confident and secure when he saw me again, even though I didn’t feel confident or secure.
I felt determined, though. And for now, that was all that mattered.
I kept my head held high for the first hour, too, but after that it got a little tedious. I had no idea when he was going to open this door next and I hadn’t been getting much sleep since the break up. I didn’t have the energy to stand here for hours, potentially.
So I allowed myself to sit down. I leaned up against his door, continuing to think about what I was going to say when he got here.
I was going to win him back, I could feel it. This was the day where things changed. From this point our lives were going to be different forever, for the better.
I could just feel it.
9
Gabe
I sat in the waiting room of my therapist’s office, tinkering with the bottom of my shorts.
I was anxious, which didn’t usually happen before my therapy appointments. On the contrary, I actually really enjoyed going. I felt good after talking things through.
But today was different. Today I was going to have to tell my therapist about how my life had basically imploded. I didn’t mind telling her about the issues of my past, because they were in the past and they weren’t really my fault.
But this was absolutely my fault. And I couldn’t help but wonder if my therapist was going to be disappointed in me. Not that she had ever been judgmental before.
Even scarier, though, was the thought that she wouldn’t have any solutions for me. I couldn’t think of any solutions, at least.
I immediately regretted breaking up with Oliver, but I didn’t feel like I could do anything about it. I humiliated myself. In front of his parents, no less.
I might have regretted my decision but I felt like an idiot going back on it. And all those insecurities I had that night hadn’t been resolved, either. I still felt like I wasn’t good enough to be with him. Hell, I felt like that even more now that I had made such a fool of myself.
I did leave a note on his door the next morning apologizing for my behavior and saying I needed time to think. Which I did. I had a lot to figure out.
If I was honest with myself, though, I knew that I still wanted him. I still hoped I would end up with him. I just didn’t know if I was good enough for that to happen.
And on top of the disaster I had created for myself in my relationship, I now didn’t even have a job! Which sucked for quite a few reasons.
First of all, without Oliver, all I had was my work. It was the one thing that gave me a sense of normalcy outside of him. I didn’t even have that to fill up my time now. I’d spent weeks being depressed in my apartment. If I still had my job, I would at least still be able to keep myself going.
And the more important negative was the fact that I now had no source of income. I had applied at a few other dental offices but nobody had gotten back to me. I even started applying to other office management positions that would pay significantly less, but allow me to cover my bills, and I hadn’t heard anything from them either.
Although I had savings that would cover my bills for approximately three months, I still needed to find a job immediately. If I didn’t, I couldn't stay in this condo.
When my grandma passed and left me her property, she hadn’t finished paying off the mortgage yet. She was only about five years away, so in only a few years I’d be able to live in the condo almost entirely for free.
But that was still five years away. And I only had enough money for three months. So losing the condo was actually a really big risk for me.
I’d be able to sell it, of course, but I hated that idea for obvious reasons. I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing the last tie I had to my grandma. If I had to move out, I was going to be completely heartbroken.
Plus, I felt like a total failure. Not only was I jobless now, I might not even be a homeowner in the near future. I used to be so confident in my success, I actually let it define me a little. Without that success, and without Oliver, I felt like nothing.
Only a few weeks ago, I was amazed by how fast my life could change. Only then, I was thrilled about it. My life had gone from mediocre to amazing.
But now I was once again faced with the reality of how quickly life could change. I wasn’t reveling in the fact anymore, though.
I wasn’t really sure anymore how I was going to get my confidence back. At least before Oliver, I was blissfully unaware of my issues. Now that I’d faced them, I couldn’t go back. It was out there and I had to deal with it, no matter how hard it might be. And now I had to deal with it alone, with no job and no boyfriend.
I was still going to do it, though, regardless of how scary it was and how badly I didn’t want to. As much as I wanted to run out of the waiting room door, I was going to stick it out. I had already cancelled two therapy appointments since I broke up with Oliver. I wasn’t going to cancel this one too.
“Gabriel?” I heard my voice called and looked up to see my therapist standing in the doorway that led to her office.
“Yes, hello.” I nearly stuttered. My heart was pounding and I was now much more nervous about seeing her.
“Come on back.” She smiled at me and nodded toward her office.
My anxiety was rising as I walked down the hall and sat in her chair.
“So, it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve seen you,” she said as she sat behind her desk. “How have things been?”
“Fine,” I lied automatically. “Wait… No, actually, not
really.” I sighed.
“Really? What’s been going on?”
“I… Well, I’ve managed to basically implode my life in one night.”
“What happened?” she asked.
“Well, you know the guy I’ve been dating, Oliver?”
“Yes, I thought that was going very well.”
“Yeah, it was. But I don’t know… Things really were nice. But then he invited me to dinner with his parents and I kind of had this breakdown.”
“A breakdown in what way?”
Thankfully, the more I talked about things, the less anxious I became.
“It was weird. I was meeting his parents and they were so nice. And you know, Oliver is so nice too. They all talked together, laughed together, their family dynamic seemed so natural. Which should make me more comfortable, I guess. But instead, I started freaking out. I was thinking about how different it was from my own family. And how I was never going to be able to fit in with them.”
She raised an eyebrow. “And why would you feel you couldn’t fit in with them?”
“Because I’ve never experienced that. Even before kicking me out, my parents were dysfunctional. They never cared about me like his parents care about him. They were never focused on me the way they focus on him. How am I supposed to fit into this normal family when I’ve never had one myself?”
“So, what you’re saying is, because you have not experienced a supportive and loving environment, you don’t think you could manage being in one?”
“I guess, yeah.” Though when she said it that way, it did sound kind of dumb.
“Okay, so you started getting uncomfortable. What did you do about it?”
I took a deep breath in. “Well, this is kind of the imploding part. I started having a panic attack and I had to go. I excused myself and left but Oliver followed me. He was insistent on knowing what was wrong and I kind of… exploded. I told him he was too good for me. His family was too good for me and I’d never fit in with them. He can find a better partner in life than me. He wants kids, I know he does. How the hell is someone like me going to be a decent father?”
“So you broke up with him?”
“Yeah, I did.”
“How did he react?”
“Not well. And he’s been calling me constantly but… I just don’t answer.”
“Because you don’t want to be with him anymore?” she tried to clarify.
“No, that’s not it. I mean, I do want to be with him. I really love him And he’s so very important to me. I just don’t think I deserve to be with him. And I can’t talk to him knowing what a fool I was that night. I’m humiliated.”
“I see.” She nodded. “So you’d actually want to be with him, you just don’t think you’re capable of being in a healthy relationship?”
“That’s right,” I confirmed.
“Okay, well, let me ask you. Did you have any unhealthy behaviors in this relationship prior to believing you weren’t worthy of Oliver?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, were there any toxic behaviors you brought into the relationship. Did you fight with him? Did you ever try to control him? Were you emotionally volatile in any way? Basically, is there any way your insecurities were affecting your behavior?”
I thought on this for a moment.
“I don’t think so. We never really fought. I made no effort to control him. Honestly, I wasn’t even that insecure until having dinner with his parents. That’s the moment I realized how inadequate I felt with them. But prior to that, no, I don’t think I was toxic in any way.”
“Well, then,” she continued, “it seems to me that you already were the man worthy of being with Oliver.”
“How do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean that you have this idea that somehow your identity is based on the things you have gone through in your life. That somehow your dysfunctional family makes you inherently dysfunctional. In reality, your past does not make your identity unless you allow it to. It is your actions that determine who you are and your actions have proven you to be a decent boyfriend, right?”
“I mean, I guess…” I said hesitantly.
“Let me put it this way, did Oliver think of you as a decent man? Did he have any complaints?”
“Yes, he definitely sees me as a good guy.”
“Then maybe, just maybe, that’s what you are.”
“Maybe…” I said nervously.
“I understand your fear. Truly, this is a common fear for people in your situation. The idea that you are going to be inclined to make your parents mistakes is completely normal. But you have to use that fear and allow it to make you a better person. Wallowing in your past and letting it keep you from doing the things you want to do isn’t a healthy way to go about things.”
“You’re right.” I breathed out. “Of course you’re right.”
“Do you think that you will be able to rectify things with Oliver?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I really made an ass of myself.”
“Is that what you want, though? To rekindle your relationship?”
“Yes,” I admitted.
And I really did. Despite my insecurities, despite my incredible mistakes, I missed him so much. There wasn’t a second of the day where he wasn’t on my mind. I absolutely wanted to save this relationship. I just didn’t know if it was possible.
“Things are different now, though.”
“Why are they different?” she asked.
“Well, for one, I’m jobless.”
She raised an eyebrow once more. “You lost your job?”
“Oh, yeah, well actually that was part of my life imploding that night.”
“You lost your job on the same day as you had the anxiety with Oliver? Well, maybe it was your insecurity about no longer having a job that compounded on your anxiety about meeting his parents.”
“Nope. I hadn’t lost my job at that point. I lost it after. Funny enough, if I just hadn’t broken up with Oliver that night, I’d still have a job.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not following, Gabe.”
“Well, Oliver was calling me nonstop. Or, at least, I thought Oliver was calling me nonstop. And he was calling me, but my boss was also calling me, which I was unaware of. I answered after my phone ringing many times and basically yelled into the phone to leave me the fuck alone. As it turns out, my boss was on the other line.”
“Well,” she sighed, “that’s just a serious case of bad luck.”
“That it is,” I agreed.
“I can understand that’s horribly stressful. But I’m not sure what it has to do with getting back with Oliver.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. The person he was dating was a normal, calm, successful guy. I obviously have proven myself to be unstable and I’m no longer successful. Who is going to want to date an unstable guy who is unemployed?”
“You don’t know he’s going to care about that, Gabriel,” she told me. “You don’t know anything until you talk to him. He may really surprise you. And your job does not define you as a person, neither does losing it.”
“That’s what it felt like for me, though. I don’t know. I guess because I avoided figuring out who I am as a person for so long, I let my job decide who I was as a person. I was good at my job, I made good money, so in my mind I was doing well in life. Of course, that changed when I met Oliver and through my self discovery with him, I’ve found myself to be a good person in other ways. But now I’ve lost both of them and I don’t know what to do. I might not even be able to keep my condo. If I was him, I wouldn’t choose to be with me.”
“You are not him, though. What is the alternative here? You allow your fear of being rejected keep you from a person you care deeply about? As of now, you do not have him. Worst case scenario for reaching out is that you still do not have him and your situation doesn’t change.”
“I guess that’s true,” I acknowledged, though I still had a lot of fear about being rejected.
“Gabriel, this is your life. And you are going to choose what you do with it. But we all have a limited amount of time on this Earth and allowing fear to rule our decisions is simply another way to ruin our potential.”
I left her office that day feeling a lot more confident. No, scratch that, I still didn’t feel confident at all. My insecurities were there, just as they always had been.
The difference now was that I’d come to the realization that those insecurities did not need to rule my life. I could be worried about the future and still do everything I could to have a successful relationship with Oliver.
Would the thought that I wasn’t good enough for him and his family still linger in my mind? Absolutely. And I was sure I’d have to fight every day to work on these insecurities and get to a place in my life where I could deal with them in an emotionally stable way.
But I didn’t want that to hold me back anymore. I wanted to keep moving forward with Oliver.
If he’d still let me, after all. Not only did I destroy his dinner with his parents and lose my job but I’d also ghosted him for weeks. I mean, I told him I needed time, but he’d still tried to contact me and I’d ignored him.
I could only hope that he’d forgive me. But that was out of my control now. So all I was going to do was try my best to get him back and accept whatever happened next. If he couldn’t be with me, so be it. I had to deal with the negative in my life in healthier ways.
Truthfully, though, I wasn’t sure how I’d move past him if he didn’t want to be with me anymore. It was going to be incredibly hard. I had feelings for him that I’d never had for someone else. Part of me couldn’t help but wonder, was it even possible for me to have these feelings for someone else?
I mean, was the whole soul mates thing true? I never believed it before. I guess I still didn’t. But the concept gave me pause. Particularly because, before now, I’d never had a man I loved this deeply.
Hell, let’s be honest, I’d never even had a man I liked! Or a woman, for that matter. It took me over two decades to find him. How long would it take me to find someone else?