by Hayden Hunt
I couldn’t think like that, though. That was thinking of my fear once again. I didn’t want to be that guy right now. The thought that I might lose him forever made me hesitant to go after him and I couldn’t allow fear to control me any longer.
As I walked up the stairs to my apartment complex, I told myself I was going straight to Oliver’s apartment. I didn’t even know if he was home, but I was going to find out. No matter how I was feeling, regardless of how the fear started to overcome me, I absolutely would go to his apartment.
But when I got to my floor, I didn’t go to his apartment. I didn’t have to. Because slumped over my door was Oliver, sitting with his back against the wood and his head tilted over in sleep.
I hadn’t seen him in weeks. When he had came to knock on my door, I didn’t so much as look at the peephole. I didn’t want to see him and now I knew why. Because if I had seen him, I never would have been able to resist him.
He looked so peaceful sleeping here. Even in this awkward and undoubtedly uncomfortable position, he was an angel.
And I had so much regret about hurting him in the way I had.
For a moment, I stood there and stared at him, admiring him because I hadn’t been able to in so long.
I eventually knelt down next to him and put a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Baby?” I whispered. “Oliver, wake up.”
10
Oliver
I didn’t even realize I’d fallen asleep when I felt Gabe’s hand on my shoulder. It took me a minute to even realize where I was. But once I did, panic set in.
Shit, shit, shit! This wasn’t how I wanted things to go when he came back. I was supposed to be awake, with a speech in my mind, ready to fight for him. I was going to look strong and determined and win him back.
I wasn’t planning on being slouched next to his apartment, wiping drool off my mouth as I looked up at him in confusion.
Wait, no, I wasn’t looking up at him. I was looking directly into my eyes when I turned my head. It took me another minute to realize he was kneeling down next to me, a hand on my shoulder.
Fuck, he probably couldn’t wake me. He’d probably been trying to shake me awake so he could get into his apartment and tell me to fuck off.
I had to think quick. How was I going to turn this around?
“I’m not leaving!” I said instantly.
I meant it to sound strong and insistent, but instead it sounded whiny and childish.
He lifted both eyebrows. “Oh, okay,” he said softly.
“I’m serious!” I continued, still sounding whiny. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? It’s taken me this long to see you and I am not letting you out of my sight.”
“Oliver—”
“No, let me talk! You got to say your piece when you stormed out of my apartment that night and left me a note on your door. But you haven’t allowed me to say what I need to say. So listen to me now, damnit!”
He stood up and leaned against the wall. “Okay.”
“Okay?” I asked, expecting a different reaction. Something with a little more anger behind it.
“Yes, okay, you’re right. You say what you need to say.”
“All right,” I agreed, standing up because there was no way I was going to feel strong while slumped against a door. “You need to put this shit behind you, all right?”
“What shit?” he asked.
“All the shit from your past that made you leave. It means nothing to me, all right? What you’ve gone through means nothing to me and it says nothing about who you are as a person. I love you. I love the fuck out of you! And I fucking know you. I’ve been getting to know you for months and you are a good person. You are not your parents. You are not the people who have hurt you.”
“Oliver…”
“I’m still talking!” I said assertively. “I don’t care if you’re worried that you won’t be a good husband or a good parent. I’m not going to stand by and let you slip through my grasp. I have finally, finally found someone I care deeply about and there is nothing that could get me to walk away from you. I’m here, I’m staying here, I’m fighting for you. I will stay here, living right next door, continuing to fight for you every damn day if I have to.”
He smiled. “You may want to rethink that,” I told him.
“…What? What are you talking about?”
“A lot can happen in a few weeks. A lot has happened in a few weeks, actually. I don’t know if I’m still that guy you fell in love with and I’m not sure you’re going to want to still be with me.”
“Why wouldn’t I? What could possibly make me walk away from you?”
He shrugged. “A mental breakdown, maybe? I sort of showed you my true colors the other night. That might be enough to make you change your mind.”
“It’s not,” I said confidently. “It’s really not. I know your struggles. I know you’ve buried everything you possibly could. Every negative feeling in your life was ignored before I came along. And here I am, forcing you to face your demons, and I understand some instability is going to come along with that. But I’m here for you, I’m always here for you.”
He looked at me seriously. “Why?”
“Why?” I asked back.
“Yeah, why? I’ve never had someone care about me this strongly, excluding maybe my grandma, and I want to know why. I want to know where these feelings come from.”
I didn’t break eye contact as I spoke. I knew exactly what my answer would be to him. This was something I had been thinking about for a long time now.
“I love you, Gabe. And I’ve been with a lot of men, I’ve cared about a lot of men, but I’ve never loved another man. Not like this, not like the way I love you. I love you with a depth that I never knew before. Hell, a depth I never even knew was possible. You are air to me. I can’t imagine a life without you in it. All of the dreams I once had have changed. I haven’t changed who I am, of course, and the dreams haven’t changed much. But now, you’re in all of them. And none of my dreams sound nearly as appealing without you by my side.”
“You… lose me?” he asked.
“Yes. And I know you’re easily scared so maybe I shouldn’t say this so soon, but I am. I’m saying it. I love the fuck out of you. I want to marry you. I want you to be the father of my kids. Everything I see in my future, I want with you. There is nothing that is going to keep me from you.”
“Really? Nothing? So you would still date me if I was a jobless loser?” he asked.
“Yes, absolutely, I—Why would you ask that?” I questioned nervously.
“I lost my job,” he said, dejected.
“What?! When? How?”
“The same night I lost you, actually. Apparently I’m good at ruining everything important to me in a mere twenty-four hour period.”
“Wait… you lost it, the same night? But how? You were off work already?”
“My boss called. At the same time you were calling. I didn’t know that, though, and was getting fed up with the calls so, uh, I answered one of them and said… Well, some not so nice things. Basically told him to just leave me alone.”
“Oh my god!” I gasped. “Did you explain it to him? Did you tell him you thought you were talking to me?!”
“I tried, but no dice. Apparently my work had been slipping anyway and this was the right moment to just let me go.”
“Fuck, this is all my fault,” I groaned, head in my hands.
“What?! What are you talking about? It’s my fault. If I hadn’t gone crazy that night and broken up with you, this never would have happened.”
“No! If I had not called you and actually let you have your space, then this wouldn’t have happened.”
“Stop,” he said seriously. “Don’t think like that. I never even considered that you might take this guilt upon yourself. Really, don’t. It wasn’t you at all. This was on me.”
“But—”
“Don’t, seriously.” He stopped me. “It doesn’t even matter, it
’s just a job. It’s not important right now. What’s important is us.”
“Us?” I asked. “So there still is an us?”
“Absolutely,” he said. “If you’ll forgive my stupidity.”
“Wait, that’s it?! I come over here, expecting to fight for you, and you give in after one I love you?!”
He laughed. “It had nothing to do with you coming over here. Really, I was ready to come back to you. I am actually coming back from a therapy appointment right now and I had a lot of moments where I realized… Well, a lot. But the main thing I’ve realized is that I’ve been an idiot. I’ve been letting fear control my life and allowing it to keep me from you. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to move forward, I want to grow. Most importantly, I want to grow with you.”
“So… you want to be with me? Seriously this time? You’re not going to run away again?”
“No, absolutely not. And I’m so sorry. All I can do is tell you that I’m not going anywhere and hope you learn to trust me again over time.”
“And what about your insecurities? Have you gotten over feeling like you’re not good enough for me?”
He looked around anxiously. “Here, you want to come inside? I don’t want to have such a personal conversation out in the hall.”
“Yeah, sure, let’s go inside.”
Really, I was thrilled to be asked inside. It had been so long. The second I walked in the door, I felt like I was home again. More at home then I felt in my own house, in fact.
I sat down on the couch next to him and it took an insane amount of self-control to keep myself from reaching over and touching him. I missed him so fucking much.
“Honestly? The feelings of doubt and insecurity haven’t gone away. If anything, they’ve increased since I lost my job. And I can’t say I know when they’ll go away. And I acknowledge that this makes me a difficult person to be with. I know that this isn't healthy. But I’m going to work on it. And… I'm willing to work on it and be in this relationship, if that’s something you can handle.”
“Absolutely!” I said eagerly. “Gabe, that’s all I ever wanted. To be there for you. I’d hoped you would have known that.”
He let out a sigh. “It’s just hard for me, you know? To accept your love… a love I don’t feel like I deserve. I’ll admit it, I’m struggling in my life right now. Every bad feeling I ever buried is now coming back to haunt me and it’s hard.”
I could see his eyes welling up with tears and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I reached out my arms, pulled him in a tight embrace, and rubbed his back softly.
“I know. But from now on, try to let me help you with that, instead of running away from it. You’ve done enough running in your life. Now it's time to do some staying.”
He nodded. “You’re right, I know. I… Wait, so are we going to be back together, again? You’re going to give me a second chance.”
I gave him a gentle smile, titled his head up, and kissed him.
“I'd give you a hundred chances. You’re the one for me, baby. I’m in this no matter what.”
He wrapped his arms around me tighter than he ever had before.
“Thank you. Thank you so much for not holding this against me. Having you back… It’s really a weight off my shoulders.”
“I promise I’ll do my best to carry that weight for you, if ever possible.”
He let out another deep breath. “I know. I just wish I could stop putting this weight on myself. I’m really worried about losing my job, Oliver. Not even because of the insecurity, but because I’m terrified of losing my grandma’s condo. It’s the only tie I have left to her. I don’t know what I’ll do if I have to move out.”
“How long do you have to find another job?” I asked.
“Just a few months. And hopefully that’ll be enough time, but until I find one… I don’t know. I’m going to be a stressed out disaster.”
I nodded. “Okay, so let me shoulder some of this weight, too.”
“How?” he asked quizzically. “It’s not as if you can get me a new job.”
“No, but I can still take off some weight financially.”
“Babe, that’s really sweet but I don’t think you can. Paying for your place and this place? That’s a lot of money.”
“No,” I said seriously, though I was nervous to tell him about my idea. “I’ll pay only for once place.”
His eyes lit up with understanding.
“Do you mean, you’d move in and pay the bills here?”
I couldn’t tell from his inflection how he felt about this. So I let out a nervous laugh.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t want to scary you off again. That’s the last thing I want but… But it would solve your problem.”
“And you don’t think that’s too soon to be moving in? Especially after I just freaked out on you a few weeks ago?”
I shrugged. “Maybe it’s technically too soon. Maybe I’m rushing things. But I simply don’t care. I want to be with you. I want to see you happy. I sure as hell don’t want to see you forced to move out of your grandma’s place. If moving in is what it takes to rectify that situation, sure.”
And, I wasn’t going to say this, but I also thought pretty highly of getting to spend more time with him.
He stared at me quietly for a moment. God, I’d probably said too much. He was probably planning his damn escape again. I needed to learn when to close my mouth and keep my feelings—
“Okay,” he said, breaking off my thought.
“Okay?”
“Okay, maybe you should move in here.”
My jaw dropped. “Seriously? That commitment doesn't scare you?”
“Oh, it does.” He laughed. “It terrifies me, actually. But I meant what I said. I’m going to be with you despite my fears. I’m going to fight the parts of me that want to run away. Because more than anything, I want you. I’ll take whatever step I need to take to get there.”
And in that moment, I knew this was going to work out. I could see that Gabe had not only identified his issues, but made plans to work through them. It might be a long, hard road, but I honestly believed we’d get through this.
Right now, in my heart, I knew that I was looking into the eyes of my future husband.
“I love you, you know,” I told him. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Finding you has, in a way, completed part of me. I never knew how whole my life could feel before you.”
He tilted his head up and gave me a soft, meaningful kiss.
“I love you too. And I hope to god I can stand by you and be the man you deserve.”
I immediately gripped him tight, rubbing his shoulders firmly with my hands.
“You are, baby. You are the man I deserve. And you always have been.”
Epilogue
Gabe
I rubbed my eyes as I walked up to the door of our condo. I was tired, as I often was on Fridays, which were my longest day of the week.
I had found another office management position at a medical office two years ago, about six months after Oliver moved in with me. But of course, Oliver didn’t move out once the financial burden was taken off me. Once he moved in, he stayed in, which I didn’t mind.
On the contrary, my life got so much better the day that Oliver moved in. He took off the stress of being unemployed for me. He encouraged me to work on my mental health, and he did everything he could to make me a better person.
And, honestly, I was now. I was a better person for having known him. He helped shape me into the man that I always wanted to be and I couldn’t have been more grateful to him for that.
The insecurities that once took over my life were no longer an issue for me anymore. Now, that didn’t change as soon as Oliver and I took our relationship to that next level. No, this was a change that took place over years.
Oliver always helped me with his constant love and support, but he couldn’t change me. Only I could do that. With a lot of therapy and a lot
of self-reflection, I’d been able to change my attitudes about myself and my relationships.
And I wasn’t saying it was easy, change never really is. I still saw my therapist twice a month to try not to fall back into my old habits, though I was confident I wouldn’t. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I actually belonged with Oliver.
Well, no, that wasn’t the right way to say it. I’d always felt I belonged with Oliver. But for the first time I felt like I deserved him. I even felt like I deserved to be a part of his family.
Despite our very awkward first encounter, I had since repaired my relationship with Oliver’s parents. Which, really, wasn’t that hard to do because once Oliver told them about my situation they were very kind and understanding. Like Oliver, they were both appalled about how my parents treated me.
And continue to treat me, for that matter. Because about a year ago, I talked to my therapist about possibly getting in contact with them.
It was my idea. The closer I got to Oliver and his parents, the more I thought about my own and what it might take to salvage my relationship with them.
I knew it was a risk and that things might not turn out in my favor, but it was something I felt I needed to do. Not to make excuses for them—what they did was disgusting—but they had been pretty brainwashed by their religion and environment.
So I was giving them one more chance. One last shot to treat their only son with the compassion that he deserved. That I always deserved, I realized.
So I called them one day. Oliver wasn’t home, I actually made sure of that. I didn’t even bother telling him that I was going to call them. I knew he would be stressed out for me and I didn’t want that. This wasn’t his burden to bear.
It was my mother who picked up. I called my old house phone and, to my relief, they still lived there.
“Hello?” she answered, and the sound of her voice put a knot in my stomach.