The Essence of Shade

by Deborah Jean Miller

After leaving the building, she sat in her car, her fingers pressed against her lips. For the first time since Stanley’s death she felt hope. I need to be responsible with this money. I’ll pay off the mortgage, put some into checking and invest a portion for Tyler’s college tuition. And I need to keep this to myself. I don’t want Addy asking for money to support her bad habits.

  On Thursday, Shade pulled up to the farmhouse Addy shared with Jaime. The mottled gray house appeared to have been dropped from the sky by a tornado and struggled to stand erect. An old beater car sat off to the side, along with a broken-down tractor leaning askew on the gravel driveway. A rusted pole barn in back showed signs of smoke damage.

  She climbed the warped, wooden steps leading to the front door and called through the screen, “Addy, it’s Mom.”

  Tyler ran to the door and screamed, “Gamma.”

  Addy ambled to the door as though her limbs were too heavy to carry her; the previous day’s makeup caked around her eyes. She handed Shade a brown paper bag. “There’s a change of underwear and some clothes. You can bring him back tomorrow afternoon. We’ll be out late. I’d like to sleep in.”

  Shade flinched, her cold eyes boring into her. “Thanks.” She took Tyler’s hand and steered him down the steps and into her car. She noticed Jaime tinkering with the tractor. “Hey, buddy,” he yelled. “Have a good time.”

  “Bye, Jaime. Sleep at Gamma.”

  With Tyler settled in back, she slid into the driver’s seat, her mind trying to process the scene she’d just left. How did my adorable grandson end up with such a sweet demeanor? Addy seemed so indifferent to him, yet happiness filled his soul.

  “Tyler, when we get to Grandma’s house I’ll make lunch, then we can go to the park. How does that sound?”

  “Park,” he squealed, clapping his hands.

  After settling Tyler in bed that night, she pulled out a book of children’s Bible stories, the one she used to read to Addy. His eyes grew heavy, and before long, he fell asleep. She gazed at him for some time, stroking his hair.

  She reflected on the depth of her love for Tyler. She didn’t remember feeling this much affection for Addy at his age. Her thoughts turned to Addy and Tyler’s living conditions. How could they live in that house? And how did they earn money? Addy never worked a day in her life, and Jaime always seemed to be home. Was it possible they were on government assistance? She thought about giving them money, but something told her not to. She prayed God would watch over Tyler and Addy. If only Stanley were alive to help her carry this burden.

  The phone rang early the next morning.

  “It’s Mary. Just checking in and wondering if you’d like to get together? I’ll be at church this morning with my granddaughter, Leah. Thought I’d take her over to the playground. Maybe we could go to lunch after?”

  “I have Tyler today. Why don’t we meet you at church?”

  Shade pulled into the parking lot. Her heart warmed at the sight of her good friend.

  “Tyler, this is Leah,” said Shade.

  “Wee-uh, pwetty,” said Tyler, waddling over and grabbing her auburn hair. He planted a wet, open-mouth kiss on her lips.

  Leah squealed, jumping up and down. They toddled off, holding hands.

  “Well, it looks like they hit it off,” said Mary. “You look great. How’ve you been?”

  “Much better. I’m feeling more confident each day. I got a job at Bonnie’s Bakery in Edelweiss. I start next week. And I’m working on my GED.”

  “I’m so proud of you. You’ve lived a sheltered life. I’m happy to see you’re becoming more independent.”

  Shade looked off, searching for words. “Before Clive passed away, did you feel independent in your marriage? Stan always told me that a good Christian woman’s role was to take care of her husband and the house. And honestly, I wanted nothing else.”

  Mary sighed, her lips curling inward. “I always felt independent. Clive allowed me the freedom to be my own person. We had a relationship built on respect for one another.”

  Shade stared at the ground, shuffling her feet. “You know, it never bothered me—being dependent. But now I feel cheated.”

  “Maybe Stan didn’t want you to worry. It was his way of being the man of the house,” Mary said, patting her arm.

  A mass of ringlets poked through the back door. “Hey you two,” said Blanche. “I was practicing for choir and thought I heard voices. Shade, honey, I’ve been thinking about calling you. What do you say I take you out for the day? We can do a little shopping and pampering. My treat. It’ll help lift your spirits. How does that sound?”

  She pushed her glasses against her nose, looking over at Mary.

  Mary smiled and whispered, “She wants to do this for you. She means well.”

  “Thank you, Blanche. I’d like that,” said Shade, half-smiling. “How sweet of you to offer.”

  After getting Tyler dressed, Shade packed his few belongings into the paper sack. “Are you ready to go home?”

  “Sleep at Gamma? Again?” he asked.

  His words stung her heart. “No, honey. Not tonight. You have to go home. But I’m sure your mommy will be excited to see you.”

  “Home. Jaime.”

  When she pulled up to the farmhouse, Jaime stood nearby talking to a guy with straggly long hair and tattoos running down both arms. His protruding belly peeked through random holes in his grease-stained muscle shirt.

  Lifting Tyler from the car seat, she gave him a hug. “Give Grandma a kiss goodbye.”

  Tyler wrapped his arms around her neck and kissed her face. “Get down now.” He squirmed out of her arms and ran across the lawn toward Jaime.

  “Hey buddy. We missed you.” Jaime swooped Tyler up into the air and twirled him around, while the other guy guffawed, open-mouthed, backslapping Jaime and swigging down a beer. The man sneered at her, baring brown-pitted teeth that looked like a Samba line of ants were dancing across his choppers.

  Darting to the front steps, Shade shouted through the screen, “It’s Mom—with Tyler.”

  Addy shuffled to the door. “Hey. Come in. You want something? Beer? Pop?”

  “No, thanks.”

  Shade looked around. Dirty dishes lay stacked on the kitchen counter, clothing strewn across the furniture. Shade jumped when a pair of boxer shorts came alive.

  “Those shorts are moving.”

  “Relax. It’s Flipper. Jaime bought Tyler a hamster. He doesn’t like his cage.”

  “I don’t think it’s safe for wild animals to be running loose with Tyler around. What if it has rabies?”

  “It’s not a coyote. It’s a hamster, okay?” Addy walked to the door and held it open. “Too bad you can’t stay.”

  On the drive home, she obsessed over Tyler. Her mind went to Stan. If only he were alive. Maybe we could figure something out together.

  On Saturday, Blanche rolled into Shade’s driveway in a red metallic Fleetwood Cadillac. Shade peered out the front window, taking in Blanche’s outfit. She wore a chic, pink pantsuit with clear, plastic sling-back sandals dusted with lavender and gold glitter flakes. Her blonde hair rested high atop her head in a mass of loose curls, cascading down the nape of her neck.

  She opened the door, and in swept Blanche. “Your place is so cozy, honey,” said Blanche, her head snapping, causing her ringlets to dance. “I’m sure you’ve been thinking about redecorating now that Stan’s gone. But first things first. We’re gonna do a number on you today, and it’s all on me. I’ve scheduled an appointment to get your hair and makeup done, and then we’ll grab lunch and go off on a little shopping spree. Doesn’t that sound like fun, honey?”

  “It sounds wonderful,” she replied, smiling. “You didn’t have to do this, but I’m grateful.”

  As they drove, Shade’s posture softened as she thought about the day ahead. She had never had her hair done in a salon. She’d always cut her own hair, and Stan trimmed the back. Since she wasn’t allowed to wear makeup, she didn’t know what t
o buy or how to apply it.

  Entering the salon, Blanche introduced Shade to Flavio. “Flavio is gonna transform you, honey, so put your seatbelt on.”

  Flavio sat Shade in the chair and removed the pins from her bun. Her voluminous hair fell past her shoulders. He ran his fingers through her mane, tousling it this way and that, walking around her, eyeing her from every angle.

  “Well, it looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me. The good news is you have a flawless complexion and a great head of hair. The bad news…I’ll have to pull out my Weed Wacker to cut through your coif.”

  Blanche and Flavio burst into laughter. Shade looked down, her face aflame.

  “Oh, honey, we’re just teasing,” said Blanche, squeezing her hand. “You’re gonna be stunning by the time he’s done. They don’t call him the Miracle Worker for nothing.”

  Flavio went to work shaping her chestnut brown hair into a flattering layered cut falling to her shoulders. He applied subtle highlights to “add interest,” according to Flavio. Twirling the brush through her hair, he shaped it into a contemporary style. Shade’s eyes popped wide.

  “How do you like it?” asked Flavio.

  “I’m speechless,” she replied, turning her head from side-to-side, studying her reflection. “I can’t believe it’s me.”

  “Well, we’re just getting started my friend. Why don’t you take off those Coke-bottle goggles, and I’ll do your makeup?” When she removed her glasses, Flavio let out a shriek. “I can’t believe you’ve kept those beautiful azure eyes hidden beneath those magnifiers. Stunning. Absolutely stunning.”

  Flavio plucked her eyebrows and applied a light foundation and a dusting of blush to her cheekbones. He brushed a light taupe shadow on her eyelids, added a smudge of eyeliner, a hint of pale pink lipstick and finished with several coats of black mascara.

  Shade stared in disbelief, her smile widening into a brilliant grin. “I can’t get over how different I look. Thank you so much.”

  Strolling to the Cadillac, Blanche locked her arm through Shade’s. “Let’s grab lunch, and then we’ll go shopping. Sound okay, honey?”

  “It sounds terrific. I feel like a princess, and I’m having the best time.”

  “Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. You deserve it. I want you to call my eye doctor and ask him about getting you fitted with contact lenses. I think it’ll make a difference.”

  “It would be nice to get rid of these heavy glasses.”

  They went into several stores. Blanche purchased new tops and pants, shoes, purses, and a handful of skirts and blouses for Shade. Exhausted, they called it a day.

  On the ride home, she thanked Blanche again. “Why did you do all this for me?”

  “Well, honey, I see you at church, and I was always a little sad for you. No offense. You’re such a sweet thing, but you’re like a little mouse, the way you followed that man around.” She patted her hand. “I’m blessed to be comfortable financially, and I wanted to do something nice for you. It’s gonna be hard trying to make it in this crazy world. I think it’ll be easier for you if you fit in a little better. And with starting a new job next week why not start fresh with a new look?”

  “I don’t know what to say. I’m overwhelmed by your generosity.”

  After they parked in the driveway, she embraced Blanche. Watching her pull away, deep gratitude and love surrounded Shade. Every person has a story. We judge people too quickly without ever knowing anything about them. She prayed God would open her eyes and help her see the inner beauty in others.

  On Sunday morning, Shade arrived at church. Pastor Dave walked over to greet her. “I almost didn’t recognize you. You look so—so different. But in a good way. How are you doing?”

  “I’m doing well, thank you.”

  “Our church has been praying for you.”

  “I don’t know what I would have done without the support of Holy Grace.”

  Shade spotted Blanche walking toward her. Instead of running the other way, she threw open her arms and welcomed her embrace.

  “Honey, I can’t believe how beautiful you look. Now remember, head high and walk tall. You’re a new woman. A woman of essence.”

  “Let me look at you,” said Mary, taking Shade’s hands and holding her at arms-length. “You look stunning. Once you get settled in your job, I’d like to have you and Blanche over for dinner.”

  “I’d love that. Let me know what I can bring.”

  “A dessert, of course. After all, it’s your calling.”

  Shade eased into life, a single woman, becoming more confident each day. Nothing could fill the void in her heart, but she knew with time and prayer things would continue to improve.

  Chapter Four

  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

  Philippians 4:13

  Ready to conquer the world, Shade sprang out of bed and headed toward the shower. Her first day of work—ever. Fear and doubt found their way back, binding her. There is nothing to fear but fear itself, she chanted, but she couldn’t hush its ugly voice.

  After dressing and eating a light breakfast, she left her house at 6 a.m., allowing plenty of time for any unanticipated delays. Upon reaching the end of her street, the low fuel indicator light illuminated. She’d been driving on the same tank of gas since Stan’s passing.

  Pulling up to the pump, she glanced around the car interior looking for a mechanism to open the fuel tank door. She found the lever and spent another ten minutes trying to figure out what to do until a young woman came to her rescue. Thanking the woman, she jumped back into her car and hurried off. Oh God, please don’t let me be late.

  Nearing the expressway, her vision tunneled, and her palms dripped with sweat. She eased onto the entrance ramp and came to a complete stop at the end with her left blinker on. Cars sped by on the left in a blur, and no one stopped to let her in. Drivers lined up behind her, horns tooting. With her eyes squeezed shut she pressed her foot hard on the accelerator, and the Ford Probe lurched forward onto the expressway. Quivering, she joined the mass of racing vehicles. The sound of brakes screamed out behind her, and the violent bang of metal pierced her ears. Glancing in the rearview mirror, she witnessed several cars taking on a new shape. A delivery truck overturned, its contents tumbling onto the road. She drove on, praying no one was hurt.

  Ten minutes late, she arrived at Bonnie’s Bakery, breathless and soaked in her own perspiration. Rushing through the front door, she stumbled and knocked over a small display table, sending ‘day old bread at day old prices’ flying. Bonnie stood with hands on her hips, rolling her eyes.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry I’m late. I promise it won’t happen again.”

  “Well, I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come. After you pick up the mess you made, you can go over there and grab an apron, and I’ll show you the ropes,” said Bonnie, giving her a once-over. “I almost didn’t recognize you. You don’t look like the same person I interviewed.”

  “I wanted to make a good impression so I had a makeover.”

  “Well, I’d rather you work on your punctuality and balance.”

  Bonnie took her into the back room and gave her her first task. “This is an industrial mixer. And here is the recipe for my lemon and blueberry muffins. The ingredients are along that wall and in the refrigerator. Will you be okay if I leave you alone? I need to get out front and assist my other employee, Sally. It’ll get busy soon.”

  “Oh, yes. I can handle this. I’m on it.”

  The Beast stood atop four metal claws, grimacing. She’d never met an industrial mixer, and the massive contraption sent her heart into overdrive. She considered fleeing through the back door, but her gut told her to stay. Buck it up.

  Steadying her nerves, she blew out a succession of short pants before dropping sticks of butter into the stainless-steel bowl. She located the lever and set it to the lowest speed. While the butter was creaming, she added sugar and eggs, buttermilk, vanilla,
and lemon zest. Off to the side, she mixed the flour, baking powder and salt, and carried the gigantic bowl over to the mixer. While adding the flour mixture to the butter mixture, her sleeve snagged the control lever. The motor whirred to high, and the entire bowl flipped. Flour sprayed, and the room became a winter whiteout, dusting her face and clothes. She whirled, scanning for towels, when in walked Bonnie.

  “Well, I see you’re getting to know your way around the kitchen.”

  Sally appeared and threw her hand to her mouth; a small gasp escaped. She rolled up her sleeves and went to work helping Shade wipe down the room.

  At the end of the day, Shade approached Bonnie. “I don’t blame you if you want to get rid of me. I thought I could do a good job, but I see I’ve created more problems.”

  “Hey, don’t worry. We’ll both look back one day and have a good laugh. Now go home, get some rest, and let’s start fresh tomorrow. And be here at 7 a.m. Sharp.”

  “I promise I won’t disappoint you.”

  Sally walked with Shade to the parking lot and gave her hand a squeeze. “I doubt every day will be as exciting as today. Thanks for making it so memorable. I think we’re gonna work well together, you and I. Bonnie is a tough boss, but she has a heart of gold. As long as you’re giving a hundred percent she’ll have your back. I’ll see you Wednesday.”

  “Thank you. And thanks for helping me today. I’m looking forward to working with you.”

  On the drive home, she reflected on the day. She liked Sally, and she sensed the two of them would get along. Sally couldn’t be over twenty-one. A cute girl. Tall with long curly blond hair and soft brown eyes. She seemed mature for her age. Despite the rough start, gladness filled Shade’s heart.

  Shade kicked off her shoes and called Addy to arrange a day to pick up Tyler. Exhausted, she sat in front of the TV with a bowl of Corn Flakes and turned on the local news.