The Essence of Shade

by Deborah Jean Miller

  Shade listened, the seal of confirmation stamped on her brain. “It sounds like your parents did all they could to help him.”

  “Yes, they did. I’m sorry he deceived you. I hope you can move forward and find the strength to put this behind you.”

  “It’ll take time, but I have to move on. Thank you for sharing this information, and I’m sorry for any pain I’ve caused you,” said Shade. “I should let you go. Goodbye.”

  “Goodbye, Shade. If you ever want to talk, feel free to call.”

  “Thank you,” she said, placing the phone on the cradle.

  She sat motionless, replaying their conversation. When I think I’ve heard it all, more junk gets tossed on the pile. All those years spent trying to conceive, and he knew all along it would never happen.

  Drained of all emotion, her mind rested. She had a life ahead of her and a grandson who needed her. Things would change. For the better.

  “Let’s talk about your cheesecake idea,” said Bonnie, when Shade arrived at the bakery the next morning.

  “Well, I’ve made cheesecakes for years and have several recipes that might go over well. We could start with four different types; white chocolate, chocolate and sour cream, Oreo cookie, and sea salt caramel. And I have a delicious crust recipe. It tastes like buttered shortbread. It could be our signature pastry. We could make signs for the front window and offer samples to our customers. And for anyone interested in purchasing a whole cheesecake, we could offer two sizes; a six-inch and a ten-inch.”

  “It’s a great idea,” said Bonnie. “I’m impressed by how well you’ve thought this through. I say let’s go for it. Why don’t you shop for the ingredients and equipment? Can we pull this together by next week?”

  “Absolutely. Thanks for being open to my idea.”

  “And thank you for taking such an interest in the business.”

  The cheesecake idea proved to be a success, and orders for whole cheesecakes were in demand. Bonnie purchased a few tables and chairs, staggering them throughout the bakery. Customers and tourists dropped in throughout the day for slices of heaven.

  Shade grew to love the business and set a goal for herself—to one day open her own bakery, but in another town away from Bonnie so as not to compete. If things worked out, perhaps she could lure Addy and Tyler away from Jaime, and Addy might take over the bakery one day.

  After work on Friday, she drove to Addy’s to pick up Tyler. She hadn’t seen her face-to-face since the revelation about Stan. Her stomach tumbled.

  No one answered her knock on the door. She went around back and found Tyler and Jaime sitting in an old beat-up car, listening to the radio. Jaime sang along to “Big Bang Baby”, his fingers drumming the dashboard, while Tyler sat next to him clapping his hands and rocking back and forth to the music. Spotting Shade, Tyler jumped out of the car and ran toward her.

  “Gamma. Gamma.”

  Shade swept Tyler into her arms and gave him a hug, planting kisses over his dirty face. “Oh, I missed you so much. Are you going to stay with Grandma tonight?”

  “Sleep at Gamma.”

  Jaime emerged from the car. “Good to see you, Mrs. Lane. So, you’re gonna take my little buddy away for the night?” he said, ruffling Tyler’s hair. “Hey buddy, give me a hug.”

  Tyler wiggled away from Shade and grabbed Jaime around the legs and squeezed tight. “Bye-bye.”

  “I knocked on the door,” said Shade, “but Addy didn’t answer. Is she home?”

  “Yeah. Just go in.”

  She took Tyler’s hand and led him into the house. Sprawled out on the sofa lay Addy, half asleep. The house reeked of stale cigarettes and that other odd smell. Burnt plastic. Cigarette butts overflowed in the ashtray, beer cans lay strewn across the table and counter, and a strange looking glass pipe sat smoldering on a coffee table.

  Shade approached and gave her a gentle nudge. “Addy, are you awake? I came to pick up Tyler.”

  Addy shot up from the sofa like a missile, running fingers through her slippery hair. “Hey. Sorry, I must have fallen asleep.” She reached for a cigarette, her hands shaking, her jaw clenched. “Jaime put Tyler’s things in that paper bag over there. Can you bring him back late tomorrow? Like after six?”

  “Sure. Are you all right? You look a little out of it.”

  “Yeah. I’m fine. Just a rough night. Come say goodbye, Tyler.”

  Addy reached for him, but he scurried away, giggling, and ran out the front door. Addy stared vacantly after him and collapsed on the sofa. A cloud of dust dispersed into the air.

  Driving back to her place, her mind settled on Addy. She has to be on drugs. She doesn’t seem at all concerned about Tyler. And that place. It’s filthy and not fit for a two-year-old.

  The tiny passenger in the backseat disrupted her thoughts. “Whass sat…whass sat, Gamma?” he said, pointing out the car window.

  “Hey little guy. We’re almost at Grandma’s.”

  Tyler ran through the front door ahead of Shade, shooting in and out of each room. She gazed upon his grubby little body and his dirty, worn clothes. A heavy pull tugged at her heart.

  “Tyler. Come over here. Grandma will give you a bath, then I’ll make lunch. And later, we’ll go shopping for new clothes.”

  She lowered Tyler in the bubble-filled bathtub, scrubbing him down. The bathwater turned murky from the grime that fell away. His little body looked so thin. She could see his ribcage pushing through his chest. Her heart hurt. Tyler sat in the tub, splashing and playing with a rubber duck, water sloshing over the side. When she tried lifting him out, he wailed and pushed her away until she bribed him with food.

  He devoured his lunch, and she wondered when he had last eaten. Shade doubted Addy had ever taken him to the doctor for a check-up. She made a note to schedule an appointment.

  They spent the next two days together. She bought him new outfits, shoes, a jacket, and pajamas. At night, she read stories from Addy’s children’s books. When Tyler grabbed for the Bible stories, she placed it back on the shelf. “No. Grandma’s gonna read ‘Peter Rabbit’ tonight.’”

  The clock ticked, moving the inevitable forward. Time to take Tyler home. An ominous cloud of gloom descended. She placed the outfits she had purchased inside his new overnight bag, along with the cookies they had made and some containers of fruits and vegetables.

  When she pulled up to the farmhouse, Addy stood on the porch, a cigarette burning between her fingers. Tyler ran out back, searching for Jaime.

  “Do you have time to talk?” asked Shade.

  “Yeah, c’mon in.”

  “I’m concerned about you. And I’m concerned about Tyler.”

  Addy flailed her hand in the air. “Don’t start again.”

  “No, we will start again,” said Shade, surprised by her tone. “This place isn’t fit for a dog. Tyler looks like he’s malnourished. He’s filthy, and you act like you’re high on something. You don’t even seem to care about him. It seems like he’s closer to Jaime than to you. And where do you two get your money? You’re both always home. Does anyone work around here?”

  “How dare you talk about caring. If you cared about me, maybe you would have noticed what was going on under your roof. Instead, you turned a blind eye and settled into your little Ozzie and Harriet fantasy world. Well, at least I don’t put on an act, pretending to be what I’m not. Take a good look, Mom,” she said, throwing her arms wide. “It’s Addy—the dysfunctional screw-up you helped create.” Addy dropped into a chair and lit a cigarette, her hands shaking. “Go home. Just go home. We’ll talk.”

  Jaime came around to the front door with Tyler and spotted Shade walking to her car. “Hey, what’s up? Everything good?”

  Ignoring him, she kneeled and held Tyler, kissing him goodbye. Tyler gazed into her eyes, wiping the wetness from her cheeks with his tiny fingers. “Gamma cwy?”

  “Grandma is fine. I’ll see you soon, honey. I love you.”

  As she drove away, she couldn’t sti
ll her trembling body. She pulled over to the side of the road and wept, her forehead resting on the steering wheel. What am I going to do? You don’t care, God. If you did, this wouldn’t be happening. Where are you? Do you even exist?

  Shade stepped inside her front door to the sound of a ringing phone.

  “It’s Mary. Just checking in. I haven’t seen you at church and was worried. Is everything okay?”

  “That’s sweet of you to ask, but everything’s fine. I’ve been busy working and spending time with Tyler.”

  “Blanche and I were wondering if you could go to lunch next week. We’d love to catch up.”

  “I’d love to see you both. Why don’t you come here and I’ll make lunch? How’s Wednesday?”

  “Sounds wonderful. I’ll let Blanche know.”

  Equipped with her home’s dimensions, she met with a decorator at Wilson’s Furniture store the following day. Kallie asked about her style. Shade decided she had none. Kallie offered to follow her home to get a better feel of the space.

  “It’s a charming house, but I see what you mean about style. It’s lacking.”

  Kallie walked through the house, scribbling notes. Back at the furniture store, they selected a sofa, side chairs and tables, accessories, two bedroom sets and a kitchen table. Kallie recommended a painter and gave her the colors for each room.

  On Wednesday, she got up early to prepare lunch for Mary and Blanche. After assembling the Chicken Artichoke Spinach Pie, she made a salad with mandarin oranges, slivered almonds and goat cheese. For dessert, she chose something light. Fruit salad with Limoncello and a topping of Greek yogurt, lemon curd, honey and vanilla.

  Excitement swept in when Blanche’s Cadillac pulled into the driveway.

  “Oh, honey,” said Blanche. “Look what you’ve done with this place. It looks fabulous. I love the new furniture and the new paint colors. I can’t get over the transformation.”

  Mary squeezed Shade’s hand. “It looks like you’ve been keeping your mind occupied. It’s like a new house.”

  “Thank you. I love the way it turned out,” said Shade.

  “It smells delicious in here,” said Mary. “I can’t wait to see what Chef Lane prepared.”

  They sat at the table. Shade picked up her fork when Mary asked to say grace.

  “Sure,” said Shade, placing her fork aside.

  While the other two bowed their heads, Shade stared ahead in defiance to God who had forsaken her.

  “The meal was delicious,” said Blanche. “Honey, you’re so talented.”

  “You’re too kind,” said Shade, smiling. Her mood turned pensive. “Remember when I told you about my concerns for Addy and Tyler? Well, nothing seems to get better. In fact, it’s getting worse. Blanche, I know Harry is an attorney. Does he work on custody lawsuits? I’m not sure this is the path I want to take, but I’d like to keep that option open.”

  “Oh, honey. I’m sorry to hear that. Let me talk to Harry tonight. It’s not his specialty, but maybe you two can chat, and he can point you in the right direction.”

  “I’ve been praying for you, and for Addy and Tyler,” said Mary, taking Shade’s hand. “Sometimes it seems like God isn’t listening, but be patient.”

  She squeezed Mary’s hand. Mary meant well, but a wedge had been driven between her and God, and she wasn’t sure it would ever be removed.

  “Oh, Shade,” said Mary, as they were preparing to leave. “I forgot to mention that Holy Grace is starting a ministry to help support the unwed mothers in our community. I thought you might join, based on your experience. You’d be a blessing to the group.”

  “I don’t think so. Not with my job and spending time with Tyler. But thanks for asking.”

  “I’ll talk to Harry about Tyler,” said Blanche, as she walked to her car. “Thanks again for the wonderful meal.”

  Shade watched her two friends drive away. She felt guilty declining Mary’s offer, but it would require her to be involved with Holy Grace, and she wasn’t interested. She had moved on.

  Before retiring to bed, she added tasks to her “to do” list: contact Harry Buford, doctor’s appointment for Tyler, Calvin—the motorcycle guy?

  Chapter Seven

  Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

  Hebrews 11:1

  Shade scheduled a doctor’s appointment with a pediatrician, Lois Blake. She didn’t consult Addy beforehand. Based on their last confrontation, this wouldn’t go over well. But she pressed on, her focus on Tyler.

  Her stomach shifted as she dialed Addy’s number.

  “Hey, Mom,” she answered, her voice drowsy.

  “Look, I’m sorry about the argument, and I’m sure we both said things we didn’t mean, but can we put this behind us and move on? For Tyler’s sake?”

  “Whatever you want.”

  “Good. I’d like to pick him up this week. I’m thinking Thursday. Early. Will that work?”

  “Yeah, sounds good.”

  She struggled to soften the blow, but the words tumbled out. “I’m taking Tyler in for a physical. I’ll pay for everything. I just think he needs to be checked out.”

  “Excuse me? You mean you wanna be sure he’s not half-starved or addicted to drugs?”

  “I want him to be healthy, that’s all. I’m sure you want the same thing.”

  “Fine, but I’m going with you.” The phone went dead.

  Addy and Tyler were waiting on the porch when Shade arrived. Addy’s hair was washed and pulled back in a ponytail. She even wore a hint of make-up. Clad in a pair of conservative, black slacks and a simple white blouse, she looked beautiful.

  “Gamma,” Tyler squealed and ran out to greet her. She lifted him, kissing his face, before settling him into his car seat. Addy climbed in the front, staring ahead.

  An uneasy silence hung in the air while Tyler jabbered non-stop in the backseat. Shade tried starting a conversation, but Addy replied with clipped, one-word answers.

  “What brings you in today?” asked Dr. Blake.

  Addy spoke up. “I’d like for my son, Tyler, to get a complete physical. And to get him up-to-date on his vaccines. I’ve been negligent, due to my financial situation, but my mother has graciously volunteered to pay the bill,” she said, flashing a forced smile at Shade.

  Shade’s eyes grew wide, agitated by Addy’s uncharacteristic behavior.

  “I’m glad you came in today, but keep in mind there are ways of paying through public assistance,” said Dr. Blake. “It’s best not to wait. How old is Tyler?”

  “He was two in September,” Addy responded, casting a warm gaze at her son. “He’s such a bundle of joy. I’m so blessed.”

  Shade’s head whirled. She shot Addy an irritated glance. What’s gotten into her? She never talks like that.

  Tyler ran around the examination room in his diaper, touching everything within reach. Dr. Blake coaxed him over. “Would you like to sit on the big table for me?”

  “Tay-bow … big,” Tyler responded, throwing his arms into the air.

  Dr. Blake set Tyler on the table, listening to his heart and checking his ears and nose. His cheerful disposition went south when the nurse came in with a syringe, bearing down on him. He let out a piercing scream, stretching his arms toward Shade.

  “Gamma. Want Gamma.”

  Addy went over to Tyler, brushing Shade aside, wrapping her arms around him and stroking his head. “It’s okay, honey. Mama’s here.”

  Tyler pushed her away and continued reaching for Shade. “No. Want Gamma.”

  “Everything looks good,” said Dr. Blake. “He’s underweight, though. I recommend placing him on a diet of nutritious foods with plenty of fruits and vegetables. Other than that, he has a clean bill of health. I’d like to see him in a month to recheck his weight.”

  “Thank you so much.” Addy glanced at Shade, feigning a smile.

  The drive to Addy’s was a repeat of the drive in. When they arrived at the hous
e, Jaime stood by the pole barn talking to two guys. One had a shaved head with a large hoop earring dangling from his ear. The other, clad from neck to foot in black leather; a silver-studded dog collar clasped his throat. Addy pulled Tyler from the car seat.

  “I’m sorry you can’t stay,” said Addy. “Tyler, tell Grandma good-bye.”

  “Bye, Gamma.” He hugged her and ran toward Jaime.

  Shade caught a whiff of that odd smell again, wafting through the air from the direction of the pole barn. Jaime waved. She responded with a limp gesture.

  Settling into her car, she drove off, her shoulders drooping. At least he got a clean bill of health. But what about Addy? She deserved an Academy Award for that performance.