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The Essence of Shade

Page 19

by Deborah Jean Miller


  “And he taught us how to surf,” said Tyler. “Leah, I’ll teach you how to surf when you get a little older. And I bought you a present.”

  “Oh, Tyler,” said Leah. “I missed you. And I took good care of Scone for you.”

  “Thanks,” replied Tyler. “One day, I’ll take you to Hawaii.”

  Mary and Shade exchanged looks, smirking. When they pulled up to the cottage, Shade invited them in.

  Shade handed Mary a gift bag. “This is for you—from me and Tyler.”

  Mary removed the box and ran her hand over the rippling curl pattern of the wood. “Oh, it’s beautiful. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

  “It’s a Koa box. The wood comes from the Koa tree, known for some of the hardest and rarest wood in the world. The trees only grow in Hawaii.”

  “Thank you,” said Mary, still admiring the box.

  “And this is for you, Leah, from me and Grandma,” said Tyler, pushing his chest out. “I picked it out. It’s a red coral dolphin. It matches your red hair. You hang it on a chain around your neck, but I didn’t get you a chain. You’ll have to buy one for yourself.”

  “Thank you, Tyler,” said Leah. “I’ll wear it every day.”

  When the kids ran off to play, Mary and Shade settled at the kitchen counter sipping coffee.

  “So, is he married?” asked Mary.

  “He’s not.” Her mood turned solemn, her face tense. “His wife and son were killed in a car accident five years ago.”

  Mary gasped. “That poor man. I can’t imagine what he’s been through.” She imparted a quizzical look. “What about the two of you?”

  “We had a great time with Brent. He showed us around the island, and Tyler adores him, as you know.” She sighed, looking down. “Oh, Mary. I can’t bring anyone into my life. I made a vow to God. That I would stay focused on raising Tyler until he’s on his own. I didn’t do a good job raising Adeline, and I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes.”

  “Shade, I know how much you loved Stanley, but you’re young. It’s okay to love again. And Tyler needs a man in his life. A father figure. Brent is perfect for you. Don’t you feel God wants that for Tyler? And for you?”

  She cooled at the sound of Stan’s name. “I appreciate your concern, but I feel God wants my focus to remain on Tyler.”

  “Well, my prayers are always with you,” said Mary, embracing her. “We better get going and let you unpack. Thanks for the beautiful gifts. I love you, dear.”

  Shade reached for the phone, her hands trembling. She felt disembodied. The tone of his voice caused her heart to lurch.

  “Well, we made it home,” said Shade—trying to sound upbeat. “We had dinner with Mindy and her family on the last day.”

  “She told me. I’ve been thinking about you two. Did you just get home?”

  “About an hour ago. Mary and Leah stayed awhile. I’m trying to get organized now. Did you work today?”

  “Yeah, but I’m off the next two days. I want to see you, Shade. I miss you. Any chance you can get someone to watch Tyler tomorrow night so we can spend time alone? Maybe go out to dinner?”

  “I want to see you, too. Let me ask Mary. I’d rather not go out, if you don’t mind. Why don’t I come over to your house?”

  “Sure. I can make dinner if you don’t expect anything fancy.”

  “No, please don’t bother. I’ll eat with Tyler before I take him to Mary’s. Does seven o’clock work?”

  “Sounds good.” He hung up. Something was off. She seemed too abrupt. Serious. Could be jet lag, but he sensed something more.

  Shade unpacked and started a few loads of laundry while Tyler played outside with Scone. She picked up the pale blue dress she’d worn to dinner, pulling it to her face. His scent clung to the folds of the material. She hung it in her closet and sat on the edge of her bed. Her stomach simmered as she stared at the dress, taunting her. Memories passed like a warm ocean wave washing over her. She slid to the floor, on her knees, and prayed for strength. I know what must be done, but I don’t want to do it. God, please help me through this and take away the temptation that’s crushing me.

  “Tyler, I’m going to Brent’s house, and Mary will watch you tonight. I want you to be a good boy for her, okay?”

  “Why can’t I go? I wanna see Brent.”

  “Because we want to talk.”

  “About getting married?” said Tyler, grinning wide. “Shouldn’t I be there, too?”

  “No, it’s grown-up talk. I’ll pick you up later tonight.”

  She pulled into Brent’s driveway, her heart thumping, her stomach pitching. He lived in a large, Country French style home. A single story, with a mix of stone and stucco and a steep, mansard roof. Several narrow windows lined the facade. She pictured him living here with his wife and son. Her heart ached.

  He opened the door, his face beaming at the sight of her. She was dressed in a pair of low rise, straight-legged jeans with a white cotton shirt and black blazer. It had only been two days since he’d seen her, but it seemed longer. “It’s good to see you,” he said, embracing her.

  “You, too,” she said, returning his embrace. Her body trembled. She felt faint. Her appetite had dwindled since returning home, and the lack of nourishment was catching up with her. “What a lovely home. Do you ever get lost in here?”

  He smiled. “It’s too much for me. I’ve been thinking about selling and downsizing, but I never get around to it. Let me give you the tour,” he said, taking her hand.

  Exposed wood beams flanked the vaulted ceilings. A large porch ran along the back of the house with an expansive view of Lake Michigan. The master suite had a fireplace with a limestone mantel, displaying several framed photos. She walked over, studying each.

  “She’s beautiful,” said Shade, lingering on an image of Brent and Kendra. Two lovers on a beach somewhere.

  “Yes, she was,” he remarked. “That picture was taken in St. John—in the Caribbean.”

  “And this must be Luke,” said Shade, holding a photo of a toddler wearing a baseball hat and a Detroit Tigers T-shirt. “He’s adorable. I can see the resemblance,” she said, eyeing the photo and then Brent.

  Brent turned serious, their eyes meeting. “That’s what everyone said. Let me finish showing you around.”

  They ended the tour in the wine cellar. The temperature-controlled room housed several bottles of wine, stacked within mahogany wine racks. A rustic wood tasting table stood in the center of the room atop a travertine floor.

  “Good grief. I’ve never seen so much wine.”

  “I collect wines,” he said, grinning. “When I lived in California, Kendra and I used to spend weekends touring different wine regions. I seriously considered becoming a winemaker. Speaking of wine, would you like a glass?”

  “Maybe a small glass.” She feared the wine would weaken her resolve to be forthright, but she needed something to steady her nerves. The looming conversation weighed heavily.

  They went into the kitchen. She sat on a high stool at the kitchen island across from him while he opened the bottle and poured a small amount into a glass, swirling and sniffing before taking a sip. He poured two glasses.

  “Here’s to Michigan,” he said, clinking her glass before taking a drink. “I know it’s only been a few days, but it seems longer. I missed you both.”

  She took a generous gulp, averting his penetrating stare. “Brent,” she let out a deep sigh, her throat tightening, as though she had inhaled cotton balls. “We need to talk. About us.”

  “Okay. Let’s talk,” he said.

  She could feel the weight of his penetrating stare. A significant silence stretched out. “I can’t be with you. I … I need to be alone. To focus on being a good grandmother to Tyler. He has nobody in this world but me. I can’t do anything to jeopardize that.”

  He put his glass down, his eyes boring into her. There was no expression on his face, but she could see the muscle flexing in his jaw. He released a hard breath.<
br />
  “That doesn’t make sense,” he said. “Are you telling me I’d be a bad influence on Tyler? You know how much I care for him. And you’re right. He has nobody but you. What if something happens to you? What happens to him? Foster care? Things happen. We both know that. What is this about? Is there someone else?”

  “No. No one else,” she stammered. “If I were looking, you would be that person. But I’m not looking. You deserve better.”

  “You don’t know what I deserve,” he retorted, catching himself and softening his tone. “I wasn’t looking either until you walked into my life. I haven’t felt this way about anyone since losing Kendra.” He pushed his hands through his hair and turned, looking off. “There’s something you’re not telling me. That night in Hawaii. You wanted me as much as I wanted you. I felt it. What is it? Does it have to do with your beliefs? Are you concerned about being intimate? Because we can work through that if you are.”

  “It’s not that,” she said, no longer able to contain her emotions. Large teardrops moved down her cheeks. Her body shook with sobs. She buried her face in her hands and wept. She couldn’t look at him. The pain on his face was unbearable.

  He came around to her, sitting at the stool opposite her, and pulled her hands from her face. “Look at me,” he said gently, turning her toward him. “I don’t know what’s going on, but there’s something you can’t or won’t talk about.” He stood and pulled her head into his chest, stroking her hair. She continued to sob.

  “Shade, my feelings for you, and for Tyler, are genuine. I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re in my thoughts constantly. But if you tell me you don’t feel the same way, then I’ll walk away.”

  She looked up at him, her eyes red and mascara smeared, trying to push the words out. “You need to walk away,” she said, choking on her words.

  He felt as though she had plunged a knife into his chest. “Are you telling me you don’t have feelings for me? If you are, I don’t believe you. You’re not being honest. Why can’t we talk about it?”

  “Just walk away,” she cried, her body shivering. “You deserve better. I’m not good for you.”

  “I don’t understand,” he said. He couldn’t swallow. He walked over to the window and looked out, his back to her, hands on hips, processing. He turned to her. “If that’s what you want. But don’t pull Tyler away from me. He needs a man in his life, and I care too much about him. Don’t let this affect my relationship with him.”

  Her eyes filled with shame and hurt. “There is nothing I want more than for you to be involved in Tyler’s life. He adores you. He loves you,” she choked, water re-pooling in her eyes. She placed her fingers over her lips and stared at Brent—at the pain she had caused.

  Their eyes locked. He reached for her, drawing her into him, holding her head against his chest, her tears soaking his shirt. They held onto each other for several minutes until he pulled away, releasing a heavy sigh. “Are you okay to drive home?”

  She nodded. She couldn’t speak. He walked her to her car, his arm around her shoulders. She felt as though she were watching herself from afar. When they reached her car door, he took her face in his hands and kissed her gently. Fully. She didn’t stop him. She clung to him, but there were no words left in her mouth. Just choking sobs. She pulled away and slid into her seat. He held the car door open, studying her.

  “Shade. Why can’t you trust me with the truth?” he asked, sadness etched on his face.

  She didn’t speak. She reached up to him and put her fingers to his lips.

  He took her hand away and kissed her palm, holding it against his cheek. “I’ll stay away, but only because it’s what you want—not what I want,” he said. “We don’t get to choose who we fall in love with—it just happens.”

  “I know, Brent,” she said, crying. “I know.”

  He stood in the driveway, wounded to his core, as she drove out of his life. He would never understand her torment. But he loved her. And if she ever changed her mind he would be there. He opened the front door and stepped into his tomb of silence.

  Shade drove home, shattered. She needed a shower before picking up Tyler. And she needed time alone. The crying hadn’t stopped since she left Brent, desolate sobbing draining her body. She thought back to when Stan died, her utter devastation. But she realized for the first time, it wasn’t pain from love lost. It was fear. Fear of being alone. This felt different. She had never experienced feelings like this for a man. Yearnings waged war in her soul.

  In a catatonic state, she undressed and stepped into the shower, holding her face under the spray of the faucet. Mindy’s words haunted her. “Please don’t hurt him. He’s such a good man.” She slid down the shower wall and sat on the tile floor, pulling her knees into her chest, her forehead against her knees. The water rained down. Oh God. Please help me. I love him so much, it hurts. Please, God, strengthen me.

  Sobs tormented her body for what seemed like hours. And then it came. That still, quiet whisper stroking her mind. Be still….and know that I am God. She remained curled up on the tile floor for some time, a surreal peace bathing her soul.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

  Matthew 19:14

  “Grandma, I saw Brent at school today. He said we only have one more Sunday to practice until next year. He said it’s gonna get too cold.”

  Shade arrived at the park with Tyler and Scone. The fall colors were fading on the few leaves that remained on the trees, and the crisp air caused her breath to catch.

  It had been a few days since ‘the talk.’ Anxiety coiled in her gut when she spotted Brent tossing a Frisbee to Coach. He waved when he saw them, as though nothing had changed. Her heartbeat increased. She waved and smiled. Tyler ran out to meet him, shouting his name, like he hadn’t seen him in years. She watched them embrace, gladness filling her.

  “Are you ready for our last practice, buddy?” asked Brent, ruffling his hair.

  “Yeah. I’m ready for baseball.”

  Brent went to Shade and gave her a hug. “How are you doing?” he asked.

  She shrugged. “Okay, I guess. I’m sorry about the other night. I was a basket case,” she said, squeezing his arm.

  He smiled but remained silent.

  The sound of screaming tires and spitting gravel interrupted the moment. Victoria came barreling into the parking lot. “Hey everybody,” she yelled, trotting over to them. “Good to see everyone.”

  Brent and Shade smiled and waved. Cody ran to Tyler.

  “Hi Victoria,” said Brent, turning toward the boys. “Well, we better get started. This is the last practice until next year.”

  “Brent,” said Victoria, assessing him. “You’re looking quite handsome with that suntan. In fact, you all have suntans,” she said, looking around. “What the hell? Did you run off to Cuba for baseball practice and forget to tell me?”

  Brent smiled before trotting off, leaving Shade to contend with Victoria.

  “Hey, so what’s up? You guys go somewhere?”

  “We went to Chad and Sally’s wedding in Hawaii.”

  “Ah, yes. Chad is still on his honeymoon. We’re shorthanded at the station. So, you went together?” she asked, nudging Shade’s arm. “Hey, you holding out on me?”

  Shade laughed. “Brent was there. But I didn’t realize that Brent is Chad’s uncle. I was shocked when he showed up at the resort where we were staying. Small world, isn’t it?”

  “Wow. Small, cozy world. So, are you two—you know—a thing? Hey, did you find out if he’s married?”

  “He’s not married, and no, we are not a thing.”

  “Excellent. I still have a chance,” she snickered. “Hey, I hate to ask, but do you mind if I run out and leave Cody here with you guys? I have a few errands to run. I won’t be long.”

  Shade studied Brent as he coached the boys on the mechanics of pit
ching and catching. Her heart longed for him, but it couldn’t be. Disgrace had wallpapered her soul.

  While the boys continued practicing, Brent walked over to her. She was sitting alone at a picnic table. She appeared fragile. Broken. He wanted to take her in his arms and protect her from her demons.

  “Hey,” said Brent. “Where’s your friend?”

  “She had an errand to run.”

  He sat next to her, at ease with his hand resting atop her denim clad thigh. She put her hand over his. Their eyes met. “Brent, thank you for understanding—the other night.”

  “I don’t understand, but I’ll respect your wishes.”

  “Brent,” she said, stopping to take a breath, “about what you said—about Tyler.” She gazed down at his hand over hers. “I need to ask you something, but don’t feel obligated.”

  “So, ask me,” he said, reaching over and brushing a strand of hair from her face.

  She forced a weak smile. “You were right when you said Tyler has nobody in this world but me. If something happened to me, I don’t know what would happen to him. Mary might take him, but she’s in her seventies. I know I’m asking a lot, and I wouldn’t ask if he didn’t love you so much,” she stammered, “but …”

  He finished her sentence. “You want me to take him if something happens to you? Like a legal guardian?”

  She swallowed deep. “Yes.” After what she’d done to him, she wouldn’t blame him if he refused. He looked away, staring off.

  Shade studied his profile. His face. His even breaths.

  He squeezed her thigh. “I was devastated the other night. Crushed is a better word. I thought I’d found the family I’d lost, but sometimes the story doesn’t go the way we think it should. Shade, I wish things could be different between us, but you’re offering me a part of what I’d hoped for—Tyler.” He inhaled long and looked away, before turning back. “I’m humbled you would ask me. The answer is yes.” He gave her a gentle peck on her cheek before resting his forehead against hers.

 

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