The Essence of Shade

by Deborah Jean Miller

  Shade’s heart burned for the woman who’d lost two sons. She seemed so empty. So alone. Guilt slithered inside her mind, sinking deep. Its visits had been less frequent, but now it roared back with a vengeance. The weight of the past pressed down on Shade’s shoulders. She struggled to move, her face ashen.

  Sally’s fingers gripped her arm. “Shade, are you okay? You don’t look well.”

  “I just need some air,” she said, walking away. “I’ll be out back.”

  “I’ll go with you.” Sally walked her out the back door and placed a chair against the building. “Here, sit. I’ll check on you in a few minutes.”

  Shade sat, her head leaning back against the brick wall. A steady surge of tears bathed her face. She tried shutting out the pain. The emotion. Breathe, Shade. Remember when you were a frightened little girl? How you made it stop? You went to that happy place. Just breathe and tuck the pain away.

  Sally returned ten minutes later to find Shade wiping her face with her apron. She stooped down and wrapped her arms around Shade. “What’s wrong? I saw you talking to a woman.”

  “That was Jaime’s mom, the mother of Addy’s boyfriend. She has no one. Both her sons are gone. And I have Tyler.” Her tears reappeared.

  “You’ve been working too hard. Why don’t you leave for the day? We can handle everything.”

  “No, I’ll be okay. I just need to pray. I’ll be in in a few minutes. Thanks, Sally.”

  Shade arrived home from work—emotionally spent—her thoughts on Donna. Tyler met her at the door.

  “Hey, Grandma, wanna go for a five-mile run? Brent can’t go. He’s taking Adrianna out for her birthday.”

  Adrianna. More torment added to an already dismal day. The sound of her name echoed in her ears, an unsettling reminder of the ache still lingering. She was thankful Brent had found someone, but her feelings for him never faded. Adrianna was a lovely woman—and good with Tyler. And she seemed to care deeply for Brent. Shade wondered if they would marry. She wouldn’t be surprised. They had been dating for a year.

  She thought back to the night Brent told her he’d met someone. He spoke with sadness. Shade tried to appear upbeat, but the pain was too intense. Tears came, rolling down her cheeks. He had taken her into his arms and held her close.

  “Shade, I can’t keep hoping for something that’ll never be. You’ve chosen this path.”

  “I know. I’m happy for you,” she said, trying to believe it. “You deserve a good woman.”

  “I found a good woman once,” he’d said. “But I’ve been waiting too long.” He had taken her face in his hands and kissed her, slow and soft. Their lips hadn’t met since the night she’d told him to walk away, and she’d forgotten how helpless she was in his arms. That yielding sensation leaving her limp, blood burning through her body. She returned his kisses until something gripped her. She pushed away. The sound of defeat emanated from his body.

  “Shade,” he’d said, releasing a long breath, pulling her to him, his hand cupping her head. “If only you’d let me in.”

  “I can’t,” she’d told him, touching his face and searching his eyes. “I’d be lying if I said I don’t have feelings for you. Feelings I can’t get rid of. But there are things about me you could never understand—that I’m not able to talk about—with anyone. You’re better off without me.”

  Despite their last intimate encounter, they remained close. Brent continued to stay involved in Tyler’s life, and she developed a friendly, but guarded relationship with Adrianna.

  After warming up at the local track, Tyler and Shade set out for a five-mile run. With each stride, she felt the emotional drain of the day slipping away. At forty-six, she could easily keep pace and was in the best shape she’d ever been. She felt blessed, running alongside Tyler, for the loving relationship they continued to share and for the person he’d become.

  Tyler excelled in school, took part in the church youth group, and still had eyes for Leah. But his overriding passion was baseball, and Brent continued to fuel that passion.

  “Grandma. I forgot to mention, Brent wants you to call him when we get back. Something about a get-together for the All-Star Little League team.”

  After returning from their run, Shade called Brent. “Tyler said you wanted me to call you?”

  “Yeah. I thought it would be nice to get the players and their families together at my place so everyone could meet. I’m hoping you can make it.”

  “That’s a great idea. Can I bring anything?”

  “Just your expertise. Adrianna wants to talk to you about the menu. She’s thinking about having food catered from the bakery.”

  “Well, thank you for the business. Why don’t you have her meet me at work tomorrow?”

  Adrianna arrived, looking stylish in casual jeans and a navy-blue blazer. Shade greeted her as the two sat down to review menu options.

  Shade had never spent time alone with her. She was a striking woman, in her late thirties, with a slender figure and a warm smile. She could understand Brent’s attraction.

  “Thanks for helping me,” said Adrianna. “Brent’s always bragging about the food here and your ability to put together the ‘perfect’ party menu. I’m not very good in that area, or in the kitchen period.”

  “I’m happy to help,” said Shade, smiling. “It gets easier, the more you do it. So, how many people are you expecting?”

  “Brent thinks about forty.”

  “Well, I would offer four different sandwiches. I’d suggest Chicken Salad Croissants, Tomato Mozzarella on flatbread, Apple and Ham Cheddar Melt, and Mini Turkey Burgers. And a few different salads. A creamy pesto pasta salad and a basic potato salad. For dessert, I can put together a tray of cookies and triple-chocolate brownies. How does that sound?”

  “It sounds wonderful. You’re a godsend. I was panicking until Brent calmed me. He said you’re an excellent cook and hostess, and you’d know what to do.”

  “That was sweet of him. He’s a wonderful man.”

  Adrianna’s expression shifted. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “You and Brent. Did you—were you ever more than just friends?”

  Shade went silent, looking off before responding. “We’ve always been good friends. Why do you ask?”

  “Oh, woman’s intuition I guess. The way he looks at you. Or talks about you. His relationship with Tyler. It makes me wonder.”

  “Have you asked Brent?”

  “No. He’s not one to talk about his past. He holds his cards close. Like you.”

  Shade half smiled, unsure how to respond. She placed her hand on Adrianna’s arm. “There’s nothing between Brent and me. He’s like a father to Tyler, and for that, I am forever grateful. He’s an important part of my life, and I care about him. But I’m happy he found you.”

  “I care deeply for him. I guess I was feeling insecure.”

  Sally spotted Adrianna and came over to the table. “Hi Adrianna. I didn’t know you were coming in today. How’s Brent? Chad’s been talking about getting together with his favorite uncle. The four of us will have to go out soon.”

  “I’d love that. Shade is helping me with a party menu. I was just leaving, but let’s talk this weekend.”

  “So, what do you think of Adrianna?” asked Sally. “Brent’s been dating her for some time. I wonder if they’ll ever get married.”

  “She’s lovely. And she seems perfect for Brent.”

  “Chad doesn’t think Brent will ever marry again. Mindy told Chad she can read her brother like a book, and she doesn’t believe he’s in love with Adrianna. She thinks Brent is just looking for companionship, and she’s good for him. If that’s true, it’s too bad. I like her.”

  Shade’s eyebrows furrowed. “I like her, too. And I’m sorry to hear that, but Mindy could be wrong.”

  Shade wanted Brent to be happy. To find someone to love. Maybe even start a family. But despite her reasoning, she couldn’t help but feel envious. I
n a perfect world, she and Brent would have married and had a family of their own. But this wasn’t a perfect world, and she wasn’t a perfect person. Suffering was her penalty for the sins of her past. A lump rose in her throat, as she thought about what could have been and what would never be.

  Shade dressed in a pair of snug fitting, white pants and a steel-grey button-down blouse. She wore her hair loose and added a touch of makeup before leaving with Tyler for Brent’s.

  She arrived early to help Adrianna set up the buffet table. Tyler spotted Brent out back and ran into the yard. Her heart softened. Still buddies, like father and son. She never tired of the image.

  “They’re good together, aren’t they?” asked Adrianna, observing Shade watching them. “Brent adores Tyler. And I can see the feeling is mutual.”

  Brent came in and gave Shade a welcoming hug. She stiffened at his touch.

  “You okay?” asked Brent, eyeing Shade.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I was racing around today so I could get here early.”

  “Well, we appreciate it. Adrianna said you were a huge help. Hey Tyler, why don’t you help me put drinks in the cooler?”

  “Thanks for coming everyone,” said Brent, after the guests arrived. “I’m glad we could get together before the baseball season starts. I’m excited about the All-Star team this year, and I’m hoping we make it to the World Series. But first things first. Each player was chosen because of talent. But it’s not just talent. I want everyone to come to each game with a good attitude and a willingness to learn. I expect you to keep up your grades in school, to get into a good physical routine and take care of your bodies. And most importantly, I want you to have fun. So, thanks again, and I look forward to an exciting year.”

  The front door slammed, and in whooshed Victoria with Cody, wearing her police uniform. “Hey, sorry we’re late. Crazy day at the office. Had to rescue a burglar who got stuck in an airshaft duct while trying to break into a restaurant after hours. Found his lower body swinging over a deep fryer as he was screaming for help. Took an hour to free the moron. Anyway, we made it,” she said in a winded voice. “Hey, nice spread Brent. And nice digs. Mind if I help myself?” Before he could answer, Victoria heaped sandwiches and salads onto her plate, portions of it plummeting off the side to an eagerly awaiting Coach. Cody ran off in search of Tyler.

  “Sure, help yourself,” said Adrianna. “We were just getting ready to eat. Thanks for taking the lead. Everyone, please, let’s eat. Drinks are in the cooler.”

  “Hi, Shade. Good to see you,” said Victoria, stuffing a sandwich into her mouth. “You look nice. Hey, who’s the woman? Is that Brent’s main squeeze?”

  “Yes. Her name’s Adrianna. She’s very nice.”

  “I’d be nice too if I was sleeping with Brent. Adrianna, eh? Sounds like the name of a Disney princess. Hey, did you see any beer?”

  “There might be some in the cooler,” said Shade. “I’m glad Cody made the All-Star team. Tyler was excited. Well, we should go mingle with the other parents. Let’s catch up before you leave.”

  After everyone had eaten, Shade took a handful of dishes into the kitchen. His hand touched the small of her back as she placed plates into the sink. Her breath caught.

  “Hey, I wanted to tell you you look nice today. And to thank you for helping Adrianna,” said Brent.

  She smiled up at him. “It’s not a problem. After all you do for Tyler, it’s the least I could do.”

  Brent sighed. “What I do for Tyler I do because I love him. Don’t think you owe me anything in return.”

  “Hey you two. You look pretty serious,” said Adrianna. “Hope I’m not interrupting.”

  “Not at all,” said Shade. “We were talking about Tyler.”

  Brent wrapped his arm around Adrianna’s waist. “I was telling Shade how much we appreciate her help today.”

  “Yes, we do,” said Adrianna, leaning into Brent. “Everything was delicious. And thank you so much for helping me set up.”

  Shade felt awkward. She’d never witnessed an intimate moment between them, and she felt betrayed. She turned and continued cleaning the dishes.

  “Shade, why don’t you go and enjoy the party?” said Adrianna. “You’ve done enough. Brent and I can clean up. And keep an eye on that cop lady. I don’t want her arresting any of our guests.”

  She laughed, as she walked away, grateful to escape.

  As she was looking for Victoria, a man with dark eyes and thick wavy hair approached. “Hi. My name’s Roger Madison,” he said, extending his hand. “My son, Lucas, is on the All-Star team.”

  “Nice to meet you, Roger. I’m Shade Lane. My grandson, Tyler, is also on the team.”

  “Ah. I’ve met Tyler. Nice young man. Pitcher, right? Forgive me, but you don’t look old enough to have a grandson his age.”

  “I like to get an early start,” said Shade, smiling. “And yes, Tyler is a pitcher.” She caught Roger’s gaze traveling to her left hand. “So, Roger, what position is Lucas playing?”

  “First base. I’m looking forward to attending the games. I’m hoping work doesn’t get in the way.”

  “What type of work do you do?”

  “I’m a surgeon. Orthopedic trauma. And you?”

  “I own a bakery in downtown Edelweiss. Shady Lane’s Bakery and Café.”

  “So, you’re Shady Lane. It’s one of my favorite places. And what does Mr. Shady Lane do?”

  “Nothing. He’s dead. I’m a widow.” She was startled by her abrupt response.

  “There you are,” said Victoria, spotting Shade.

  “Please excuse me Roger. I promised to catch up with Victoria. It was nice meeting you. Maybe I’ll see you at the games.”

  She was relieved. That dumb comment about ‘Mr. Shady Lane.’ Who talks like that? He was attractive, but cocky. And likely married.

  “Who was that?” asked Victoria.

  “Lucas Madison’s father.”

  “Ah, yes. Not a bad catch. I hear he’s divorced. Does well for himself. And he’s quite handsome.”

  “He sounds perfect for you,” said Shade, smirking.

  As the guests were leaving, Roger sought Brent out. “Hey, thanks for organizing the get-together, Brent. It was nice meeting the other players and parents.”

  “I’m glad you could make it,” said Brent. “Lucas is a solid addition to the team.”

  “Thanks. He’s excited, and so am I. Hey, what’s the story on Shade Lane? Nice looking woman. She told me her husband passed away. Do you know if she’s seeing anyone?”

  “You’d have to ask her,” said Brent. His reaction caught him off guard, a trace of jealousy taking his voice. “Feel free to contact me with any questions,” Brent added, trying to soften his tone. “And thanks for coming.”

  The following Wednesday, Shade passed through security at Emmet County Correctional. The more time she spent here, the more comfortable she became. A strong bond had formed with the women, especially Meghan. It thrilled her to see Meghan opening up to God’s word.

  “Shade. Guess what?” said Meghan, her eyes beaming. “Ethan’s birthday is tomorrow, and my parents are bringing him in with a cake. They got approval from the warden. I can’t believe he will be ten.”

  “That’s wonderful. He’s growing up so fast. And I’m glad your parents are bringing him in for visits now.”

  “Yeah. I feel like we are starting to build a bond. He’s such a good kid. He’s getting good grades in school, loves sports, and my parents encourage him to attend church every Sunday. I just hope he doesn’t end up like me.”

  “Keep praying. I pray all the time for Tyler. Hey, maybe your parents can bring Ethan out to one of Tyler’s games this year. Get him exposed to a new environment. What do you think?”

  “That’d be great. I’ll talk to them,” said Meghan. She turned, a thoughtful look on her face. “I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you for what you’ve done for me. In here, we’re treated without the slightest trace of respec
t. I know I’m a murderer, but I’m also still human. You’ve never judged me. I only feel love from you. I hope to make you proud one day—that you’ll witness a changed life. One you’ve helped change.”

  “You have made me proud, Meghan. You’re not the same person I met over five years ago. You have changed. For the better. I see hope in you. And I’m watching you move closer to God.”

  “Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m moving closer to God.”

  “Look back at your life. You’re changing. Sometimes it’s so subtle we don’t even notice, but it’s there,” said Shade. The bell chimed. “Looks like I have to go. Tell Ethan I said Happy Birthday and see you next week. I’ll bring a schedule of Tyler’s games.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and walk humbly with your God.

  Micah 6:8

  The baseball hurled toward Brent as Tyler’s four-seam fastball slapped into his mitt.

  “Good job, buddy. That’s enough pitching for today.”

  “Can’t we keep practicing?” asked Tyler. “Can you teach me how to throw a curveball?”

  “Remember what we talked about. Your arm needs rest. You’re only twelve—too young to throw a curveball. It puts too much stress on your arm. We need to make sure you’re in good shape for the World Series. And if you want to play professional baseball, you’ll need to keep your arm healthy.”

  “Okay. Can you show me how to spit again? Like the pros?”

  “Let’s not worry about spitting right now.”

  After dominating the challenger at the Little League regional event, Brent’s team advanced to the World Series, which would take place in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. His demanding workouts and team-building exercises had paid off.