The Essence of Shade

by Deborah Jean Miller

  “Boys, there’s nothing to be ashamed about,” said Brent, after the loss. “You’re still champions. You won the U.S. title, and I’m so proud of all of you. Do you realize how many teams make it this far? Not many, so hold your heads high. Great teamwork.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

  1 Corinthians 13:6-7

  The front page of the Edelweiss Gazette ran a story on the Little League U.S. Champions, much of it dedicated to Brent’s management style and Tyler’s pitching prowess. Tyler was unfazed by the media hype; he had learned from Brent to disregard fleeting accolades.

  The town of Edelweiss organized a parade in honor of the returning champions. A huge banner hung over Main Street, and Shady Lane’s Bakery and Café held a private party.

  Sally organized the event in Shade’s absence. Bowls of popcorn, peanuts, and Cracker Jacks were scattered throughout the bakery, along with cupcakes decorated in white frosting and topped with piped red icing to simulate a baseball thread pattern. Orange and white streamers and balloons hung throughout the space.

  “Hey, thanks for doing this,” said Brent, while Shade refilled the food trays.

  “It wasn’t me,” said Shade. “Sally did everything. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Hey, I saw your sister, Mindy. How nice of her to come. Where’s Adrianna?”

  “She’s not here. Do you need help?”

  “No, thank you. Enjoy the party. This is for you and the boys. You’re not allowed to help.”

  “Hey, Shade,” said Roger, interrupting their conversation. “Nice party. How’s it going, Brent? Great write-up in the Gazette.”

  “Thanks. Lucas played his heart out. Do you plan on enrolling him next year?”

  “I hope so. He’s been begging me to play. He loved the whole experience. Hey, Shade, do you have any more sandwiches? The tray is empty.”

  “I’ll grab some from the kitchen. Be right out.”

  “I’ll help you,” said Roger, following her.

  Brent’s eyes tracked the two of them before Mindy approached. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m good,” said Brent, wrapping his arm around Mindy and kissing her forehead. “Thanks for flying out to be here for me.”

  “Wouldn’t have missed it for the world. And it’s an excuse for me to spend time with Sally and Chad. Where’s Adrianna? I haven’t seen her.”

  “We’re not together anymore,” said Brent, looking away. “She wants more than I can offer. It’s not fair to her.”

  “When did this happen?”

  “When I got back from Pennsylvania. I did some soul searching while I was out there. It’s for the best.”

  Mindy sighed and rubbed his back. “Oh, Brent, I was hoping she was the one. I hate seeing you alone.”

  “Hey, don’t worry,” Brent said, embracing her. “I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.”

  “Is there someone else?”

  Brent looked away, staring at nothing. He sighed before answering. “I don’t love Adrianna.”

  “That’s not what I asked.”

  “You ask too many questions. You’re supposed to be celebrating with me, not grilling me about my love life.”

  “Got it. Let’s find Chad and get something to eat.”

  Roger held the tray while Shade stacked sandwiches. “Hey, would you like to go out sometime? I know this great little Italian restaurant.”

  “Thank you, but no,” said Shade, arranging the sandwiches. “I’m not interested in dating, but I’m flattered you would ask. I’d better get these out there. Do you mind carrying the tray?”

  “Sure. Let me know if you ever change your mind,” he said, as they returned to the party.

  “Hey, Victoria,” said Shade, spotting her sitting alone with her foot propped up on a chair. “How’s the leg?”

  “Better than my ego. Cody barely speaks to me these days. I almost didn’t come.”

  “You deserve to be here as much as anyone. Hey, don’t look so down. Cody will get over it. Give it time.”

  Blanche swaggered over, sporting an orange and white glitter baseball cap nestled high atop her beehive updo. An oversized white plastic ball with a shimmering red thread pattern dangled from each ear.

  “You must be Victoria,” said Blanche, extending her hand.

  “And you must be Blanche,” said Victoria, grinning.

  “I heard about your accident,” Blanche said, shaking her head. “You know, I once broke my leg at a friend’s Halloween party. I went as a Flapper Girl. I was doing the Charleston in the kitchen when I lost my footing and fell over backwards down the basement stairs.”

  Victoria howled with laughter. “Blanche, you’re my kinda woman.” She patted the chair. “Have a seat.”

  Roger appeared and sat at the table with Victoria and Blanche. “Hey, Watusi Lady. Good seeing you again.”

  “Well, have no fear, the orthopedist is here,” Victoria said. “How are things on the cutting floor?”

  Shade felt comfortable excusing herself. She spotted Ethan with his grandparents. They had been regular attendees at Tyler’s games after Shade mentioned it to Meghan.

  “Hey, Tyler, why don’t you go talk to Ethan,” said Shade. “He looks lost.”

  “Sure, Grandma.” He turned and walked toward him. “Hey, Ethan. Wanna meet the guys on my team? I’ll introduce you, but first I want you to meet my girlfriend, Leah.”

  “You have a girlfriend?” asked Ethan.

  “Yeah. We’re gonna get married. She’s the love of my life.”

  Shade smiled, watching Tyler with Ethan. He had such a heart for others, especially those less fortunate.

  When the last guests were leaving, Roger found Shade chatting with Brent, Mary, and Blanche.

  “Hey, Shade,” said Roger. “Lucas wants to have a sleepover tonight. Cody is coming, and Lucas was hoping Tyler could make it. Are you okay with that before Lucas asks him?”

  “I guess that would be okay. I think he’d like spending time with his team. I can drop him off and pick him up in the morning.”

  “Great. I can bring him back tomorrow around noon,” said Roger. “I’ll be out that way.”

  “Sounds good. Thank you.”

  “Hey, why don’t you let me take Tyler over to the cottage to get his things, and then I’ll drop him off at Roger’s?” Brent suggested. “It looks like you’ll be busy cleaning. I’ll come back afterwards. Sounds like Sally and Chad want to talk to you, me, and Mindy.”

  “Oh, Brent, that would be great,” said Shade.

  Brent returned to the bakery as Sally and Shade were finishing up. He found Shade in the parking lot, struggling to load a box of decorations into her trunk.

  “It doesn’t look like that will fit,” said Brent. “Let me put it in my car and I’ll drop it off at your place.”

  “Thanks. Did everything go okay with Tyler?”

  “Yeah. I dropped him off at the mansion. The butler met him at the door holding a red velvet smoking jacket and asked Tyler to put it on.”

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  Brent smiled and escorted her into the bakery. Chad, Sally and Mindy were standing at the counter, sporting enormous grins.

  Chad wrapped his arm around Sally and spoke. “Hey, you two. Mom already knows, but we wanted to share our good news with you both. Sally and I are going to be parents.”

  “Oh, Sally,” said Shade, embracing her while Mindy stood by wiping her eyes. “I’m so happy for you both. This is wonderful news.”

  Brent gave Chad a hug. “When’s the due date?”

  “Mid-April,” said Sally. “We’re so excited. We’ve been trying for five years.”

  “You must be exhausted,” said Brent, smacking Chad on the back.

  “How do you think I stay so trim?” said Chad. “Hey, I brought champagne for the occasion.” He popped the cork and po
ured the bubbly into glasses. “Sally will settle for sparkling water.”

  Brent proposed a toast. “To two beautiful people. You’ll make wonderful parents, and we couldn’t be happier for you both. Congratulations.”

  Brent followed Shade home and helped her unload the boxes. “That’s the last one,” he said, pulling out his car keys.

  “How about a glass of wine?” asked Shade. “I could use one myself.”

  “Sure,” said Brent. He sat at the kitchen counter and watched her struggle to open the bottle. “Here, let me help.”

  “Let’s sit on the deck,” said Shade, carrying two glasses. “It’s a beautiful night. Can you grab the bottle?” she asked, opening the sliding door. “I know I said this already, but I’m so proud of you, Brent. What you accomplished for the team was amazing. You have a special gift with kids, and I’m so thankful you’re sharing that gift with Tyler. Here’s to you.” She raised her glass.

  “Thank you,” said Brent, gazing out over Lake Michigan. The sun hung low, ready to disappear into the water. “The boys were amazing. And Tyler’s pitching—outstanding. He’s a gifted young man. I think he has a real shot to go all the way.”

  “I know it’s what he wants, and I’m all for it. I want him to be happy with whatever path he chooses.”

  “Me too. By the way, this wine is excellent,” said Brent, picking up the bottle and studying the label. “2001 Casanova di Neri Brunello di Montalcino Tenuta Nuova. Where did you get it?”

  “Roger gave it to me. I asked him about some good red wines. I guess he’s quite the connoisseur. You two have something in common.”

  “That’s about all we have in common.” Brent’s eyes were dark, empty pools. “So, what’s the story between you and Roger?”

  “Story? There’s no story. You asked me that before, and I told you nothing was going on?”

  “Has he come on to you?”

  “Brent, why are we talking about Roger?” said Shade, her eyes narrowing. “And why are you concerned?”

  “I’m concerned because I care for you, and I’ve respected your wishes all these years. It would destroy me if you found someone else. Don’t do that to me.”

  Shade shook her head. “I’m confused. What about Adrianna? You’ve been with her for a year.”

  “It’s over. I can’t give her what she wants. I don’t love her.”

  “So, is that what this is about? Now that you’re single you want to talk about us?”

  She stood and went inside. Her hands were shaking, her heart thrashing. She had never had a cross word with Brent in all the years she’d known him. She wanted to take back what she’d said.

  Brent followed her inside and placed his glass heavily on the counter. “That was a low blow. The only reason I was with her is because I couldn’t have you. Because you don’t want us.”

  “That’s not true. You know how much I care for you, but I can’t be with you. Or anyone. We talked about this. I would ruin your life.”

  Brent grabbed her arm and spun her, pulling her to his chest. She flinched, surprised at the force. She tried pushing away.

  “I’m tired of wanting you,” he said, his face inches from hers. “I’m tired of this game. Of not knowing what’s going on inside your head. I can’t stop wanting you.”

  He pushed her up against the wall and kissed her. Hard. His hand behind her head, pulling her toward him, forcing his mouth over her clenched lips.

  She struggled to free herself, every muscle in her body tense. “Brent, you’re scaring me. Get away from me!”

  He was possessed. Intent on having her. He ripped her blouse open. Buttons scattered across the room. Her fists pounded his back.

  Suddenly, he stopped and pulled back, as though awakened from a trance. “Oh my God, Shade. I’m so sorry,” he said, backing away, running his fingers through his hair. His breathing came in hot gasps. He reached for her, but she pushed him away, grasping at her blouse.

  “Get out!”

  “Shade, I don’t know what happened,” he said, tears blurring her image. “Please, forgive me. I would never hurt you.”

  She pulled her blouse together and turned away, heaving with sobs. “I think you should leave.”

  He placed his hands on her arms and buried his face in the back of her hair. “Shade, something came over me. I’ve never done anything like this. It’ll never happen again. Please forgive me.”

  She remained standing with her back to him. It pained her to think of the torment she had caused him.

  “Brent,” she said, softly. “Please go.”

  He dropped his hands, arms hanging limp. “I can’t get you out of my head. No matter how hard I try. I don’t think I ever will.”

  She stood silent, staring at the wall, unable to look him in the eyes. She could hear keys jangle, his footsteps walking toward the door. The door opening. Closing. Tears trampled down her cheeks. She fell to her knees. Why, God? Please remove this thorn. This love that can never be. Help me God. And help Brent. Help him find someone to love. He’s such a good man. He deserves someone. Please God, please help us both.

  Stripping off her clothes, she stood before the mirror. Her lips swollen from his demanding kisses. She traced the large red marks on her upper arms. Thought about his tumultuous passion. His loss of control. She understood. She had been there once—when love choked her soul, hurling her into the troughs of insanity.

  After a sleepless night, she drove to the First Church of Edelweiss for Sunday morning service. Tyler wouldn’t be home until noon. Solitude. She entered the sanctuary and stopped. Brent. He sat alone, his head hung. She thought about leaving, but her body moved toward him. She slid into the pew, settling next to him. He looked at her, but she said nothing. Her eyes sauntered with his as she moved her hand to his thigh. He breathed deep, placing his hand over hers, squeezing it tight. No words.

  “Mark Twain said it this way,” said Pastor Ralph. “‘Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.’ We must be more like Jesus and offer forgiveness to those who have harmed us. You’ll never feel free unless you forgive.”

  At the end of the service, Brent sat motionless. Wounded.

  “Hey,” said Shade. “Why don’t you come over, and I’ll fix you breakfast? You can be there when Roger drops off Tyler.”

  His lips curved upward into a strained smile. “I’m so…”

  “Shh,” whispered Shade, placing her fingers to his lips. “Don’t say it. I’d like you to be there when Tyler gets home.” Her eyes locked on his. “And to answer your question, Roger did ask me out, but I told him I wasn’t interested.”

  He searched her face. “I guess I have a jealous bone. I didn’t know it existed until I met you.” He looked down. “Maybe it’s too soon—me coming over. Maybe I should stay away for a while.”

  “I want you there, Brent. I know you would never hurt me—intentionally.”

  He exhaled heavily, his eyes boring into her. He wrapped his arm around her. “All right. I promise I’ll behave.”

  “I know you will.”

  Brent sat at the kitchen counter, watching her crack eggs into a bowl. “How about a Mediterranean omelet with whole wheat toast?”

  “Sounds good,” Brent replied, sipping his coffee.

  The conversation flowed, as though nothing had changed. After eating, Brent’s mood turned pensive.

  “I’m glad you invited me over because we need to have a serious talk. About us,” he said. “Will it always be like this between us? Platonic lovers and nothing more? Because if it is, I can’t continue to be around you. It’s too difficult.”

  She peered into his eyes, questioning his comment. “About last night. I’m not upset. I understand your frustration, but can’t we go back to the way things were?”

  “To this game we play? Pretending nothing is there between us when we both know there is? No, Shade. I lost control last night, and it scares me to think about what could have happened. I can
’t go on like this. Not knowing the secrets that haunt you. Not understanding why you can’t trust me enough to let me in.” He paused, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and after last night it’s clear to me we both need to move on. I’ve been offered a temporary job in California—with the possibility of full time. I’m considering taking it. It would be one to two years—to help set up an athletic program for a new school near Montecito. I’ve been talking to my superintendent. If it doesn’t work out, I can come back. It’ll be good for me. For us. I’ll rent my house until I figure out what I’m doing.” He took her hands into his, searching her face. “Shade, if I thought there was ever a chance for us I’d stay, but I don’t think there is.”

  She stared at him, pools forming in her eyes. “But what about Tyler? He loves you so much, and you’re like a father to him.”

  “I love him too, but I can’t do this anymore. If anything ever happened to you, of course, I would take him. I’m still his legal guardian.”

  “Please don’t go,” she said.

  He cupped her face. “Shade, don’t you understand? I love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. I tried moving on with Adrianna. Tried forgetting about us. But it didn’t work. When I’m with you, my feelings for you overpower me. Even now, sitting here next to you, it’s difficult. I need to let go. I need to be away from you.”

  The front door swung open. Tyler rushed Brent, embracing him. “Brent, what are you doing here?”

  “Your grandmother made me breakfast. Did you have fun last night?”

  “Yeah,” said Tyler. “We watched movies in this room with a big movie screen. And we had pizza for dinner and ice cream.”

  “Hey,” said Roger, standing in the foyer, looking at Shade and Brent. “I think the boys had a good time. How about you two? Did you have a good time?”