The Essence of Shade

by Deborah Jean Miller

  Brent inserted his credit card in the leather folder and handed it to the waiter. “Everything I do for Tyler, I do because I love him. Don’t think you owe me.”

  “Why don’t you come in?” she asked, when he pulled into the driveway. “It looks like Leah is here.”

  “Just for a minute.” Brent walked her into the cottage.

  Tyler opened the door, looking at his wristwatch. “It’s ten o’clock. You’re late,” said Tyler, smirking. “Hey Brent, come say hi to Leah.”

  Leah emerged from the living room. “Leah, you’ve grown since the last time I saw you,” said Brent. “Into a beautiful, young lady.”

  “Thank you,” Leah responded, hugging him. “Tyler raved about the time he spent with you in Arizona. How long will you be home?”

  “Ten days. Hope to see you again before I leave town.” Brent turned and embraced Shade and Tyler. “Well, I’d better get going. See you Sunday.”

  The kitchen looked like a bomb had exploded as she busied herself preparing dinner. Why do I always pick the most difficult recipe? She finished peeling the pearl onions before adding them to the skillet, along with the cremini mushrooms, baby carrots, and pancetta. Beef tips were simmering in Cote du Rhone wine and Cognac. She thickened the sauce for the Beef Bourguignon and added a pat of butter to make it glisten.

  “Grams. What a mess. Let me clean up and you go shower. I don’t want Brent to be frightened by this disaster.”

  “Oh, thank you, honey. That would be great.”

  “Everything was excellent,” said Brent, after they had eaten.

  “Well, it should be,” said Tyler. “If you could have seen the kitchen—and her—you would have jumped back in your car and sped off.” He clasped his hands on the table. “Okay you two, let’s talk baseball.”

  Brent laid out the different options to Tyler as he sat—focusing.

  “Well,” said Tyler. “I’m leaning toward foregoing college if that’s an option for me. But I’ll still apply for a scholarship as a back-up plan. I just don’t wanna spend four years in school when I can play for the MLB now.”

  “Okay,” said Brent. “A few things you need to focus on during your last year in school. Scouts are watching. You need to shine. Every day. Both on and off the mound. Work hard. Keep your ERA low. Take care of your arm. I can’t stress this enough, Tyler. You’re young. Don’t overdo it because you’ll ruin your future. I’ll talk to Kyle and make sure you’re doing the proper warm-up and recovery exercises. Now it’s just wait and see.”

  “Will he need an agent?” asked Shade.

  “He should have someone represent him. I might be able to, or I have contacts who would be interested. But once he’s drafted he’ll need a certified MLBPA agent. They represent the Major League Players Association.”

  “Can you be my agent?” asked Tyler.

  “I would have to get certified, which is doable. But you might want someone with more experience. Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.”

  Brent worked his way through the crowded hallway and found Kyle’s office.

  “Hey, Brent, good to see you,” said Gary Murrell, the Superintendent, extending his hand. “Kyle told me you were in town. How long are you here?”

  “Just a few more days. How’ve you been?”

  “Good. Busy. Did Kyle tell you we’re looking for an Athletic Director? I always said you were welcome back if things didn’t work out. I still mean it. Any interest?”

  Brent smiled. “I appreciate it. But I enjoy my job in Arizona.”

  “Well, if you change your mind call me. I’d love to talk. Hey, I gotta run, but stay in touch,” he said, shaking his hand before walking away.

  Kyle agreed to touch base weekly with Brent to provide updates on Tyler’s progress. Brent spoke to Kyle about arm care and explained he had enlisted a physical trainer who specialized in the RAMS method; Recovery, Activation, Mobility, and Strengthening.

  Brent helped Tyler fill out applications for a baseball scholarship. He wanted to make sure all loose ends were tied up before returning to Arizona. It was his last day in Michigan and he thought about his time with Shade and Tyler. He would miss them both. And he still loved her but felt more in command of his emotions.

  Before listing his home for rent, Brent worked with an interior designer to make some cosmetic changes. He wasn’t ready to give up his home. Maybe he would retire here. He wasn’t sure why, but he couldn’t let go.

  Shade organized a small get-together for Brent’s last day. The gathering went on into the night, conversation filling the air. Tyler stood and raised his glass in the air.

  “Here’s to Brent. My surrogate father and the greatest man I’ve ever known. I’m forever grateful to you for all you’ve done for me. I love you with all my heart. Safe travels, Brent.”

  Brent’s eyes glistened, as they embraced. He couldn’t speak. His heart ached for Tyler—to be nearer, now when he needed him most.

  “Hey, Grams. Can I take the car and drive Leah home?” He hoped the atmosphere would prompt leniency. “Mary’s leaving, and I’d like Leah to stay longer. Maybe Brent can take you home. Is that okay?”

  “It’s fine with me as long as Brent’s okay.”

  “No problem,” said Brent.

  Brent pulled into the driveway of the cottage and walked Shade to the porch.

  “Would you like to come in?” asked Shade.

  “No, but thank you. I have an early flight tomorrow.”

  “It was good seeing you.” She searched his eyes.

  He inhaled sharply. “You, too.” He took her in his arms, holding her longer than he intended, before pulling away. “I’ll be in touch. This is a critical time for Tyler, but I’ll help you through this.” He took her head in his hands and pulled her to him, kissing her forehead. “I’ll miss you, Shade. I always do.”

  She stood, watching, as he backed out of the driveway. She craved the man she’d forfeited. He was part of her soul. A single tear meandered down her cheek, as she turned and let herself into the cottage.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace.

  Luke 1:78-79

  Since returning to Arizona, Brent felt unsettled. Michigan was nudging. He felt responsible for Tyler, and he yearned to be close to him during his senior year of varsity baseball. He thought about the job offer from his former superintendent. It would be an easy transition but a step down from his current role. Aside from his job, nothing held him in Arizona. He was torn. A move back to Michigan would place him closer to her, and he didn’t relish the thought of riding that same emotional roller coaster. But this wasn’t about her. It was about Tyler. Tyler needed guidance. Someone he could trust—who had his best interests at heart.

  He contacted his former superintendent to see if the position was still open. “Hey, Gary, it’s Brent Meyers.”

  “Are you calling to tell me you want your old job back?”

  Brent laughed. “I might be interested, if it’s still available.”

  “It is still available, and it’s yours if you want it. If you’re serious, I can put together an offer.”

  “Why don’t you do that? Once I see the offer, I’ll decide.”

  “I’ll have something to you in a few days. It’d be great to have you back, Brent. I’ll be in touch.”

  Sally arrived at work to find a plain, white envelope with her name printed across the front. Shade wasn’t due in for another hour. She opened the envelope and found a check inside with a handwritten note:

  Dear Sally. Enclosed is your annual bonus check. I want you to know how much I appreciate your tireless work and dedication. This has been a difficult year for you and Chad, and I wanted to make your lives easier, just as you make my life easier every day. Thanks for all you do. Love, Shade.

  She stared at the check
, her hands trembling. Thirty-thousand dollars? It had to be a mistake.

  Shade came into the kitchen and found Sally looking bewildered.

  “Thank you for my bonus, but I think you made a mistake,” she said, handing Shade the check.

  “It’s not a mistake. That’s your bonus. I’m not sure if it’ll be that big every year, but that’s your bonus this year.”

  Sally’s mouth hung, her eyes stretched wide. “I—I don’t know what to say,” she said, her voice quivering, tears crawling down her face. She wrapped her arms around Shade.

  “Hey,” said Shade, as they drew apart. “You deserve this, and I know you need it. And I need you. So, stop worrying about the new baby and the mortgage payments and the furnace. Things will work out.”

  “You don’t know how much I appreciate this. And you. A huge weight has been removed. I can’t wait to tell Chad. Thank you, Shade,” she said, hugging her again and wiping her tears.

  “Do you ever think about owning a bakery of your own? You have a good head for business.”

  “I would love to, but I could never afford something like this. Besides, I like working here. It’s a perfect location, and I couldn’t ask for a better boss.”

  “Well, I’m not going to work forever. You should think about taking over my business one day. We could work something out. Who knows, maybe Chad could quit the police force and you both could run the bakery.”

  “Are you trying to tell me something? Are you selling the bakery?”

  “Not now. But I want you to think about your future, when the time comes for me to retire.”

  “You scared me. The thought of not having you here when I get back from maternity leave is not a good thought.”

  “I just wanted to put a bug in your ear. Now, let’s get to work.”

  Shade was thankful she had been blessed with the resources to help Sally and Chad. Tyler would be set financially, and if his baseball career took off, he’d have more than enough. She thought back to her humble beginnings. How God had moved in her life, protecting her and Tyler all these years. Answered prayers. Soon, she would honor the vow she had made.

  The clang of the metal bars no longer made her jolt. She looked forward to leading the women in God’s word. And she had grown close to Meghan, watching her transform from an angry, wounded woman to a woman of faith.

  “Hey, Shade,” said Meghan, after the study ended. “Can we talk?”

  “Sure. What’s up?”

  “Can you give Tyler a message? I wanna thank him for what he did for Ethan.”

  “Thank him?”

  “Ethan told me he was at Tyler’s game when some older kids teased him about his mom being in prison. Being a murderer.” Meghan looked down, shuffling her feet. “I guess Tyler confronted them. Told them not everyone is blessed with the perfect family. And that we don’t get to choose how we grow up. And if they were smart they would back off before they created more problems for themselves. I guess he scared them away. You know, Ethan looks up to Tyler. It meant the world to him—what he did.”

  “Tyler didn’t tell me,” said Shade.

  “Tyler sounds like a good kid. I hope Ethan will look up to me one day—when I get outta here. But I’m not sure he’ll have anything to be proud of. I’ll probably have to live with my parents until I get on my feet. And who’s going to hire a convicted murderer? I’m scared of what life might look like for me.”

  “I’m sure it will be scary. Just keep praying. And I’ll continue to do the same.” The buzzer sounded. “It’s time for me to leave. I’ll tell Tyler you said thank you. See you in a few weeks.”

  The TV was blaring when Shade entered the cottage. Tyler lay sprawled on the sofa eating popcorn and watching the MLB Channel. Scone sat at his feet, scarfing up tumbling kernels which scattered across the rug.

  “Hey, Grams. Brent called. He wants you to call him when you get a chance.”

  “Did you talk to him?”

  “Yeah. We talked about my varsity team and Kyle. He said he might come out soon.”

  Her stomach rolled. It had only been two months, but she was looking forward to seeing him again.

  “Hey, do you mind shutting off the TV? I want to talk to you.”

  “Sure,” said Tyler. “What’s up?”

  “Ethan’s mom, Meghan, wanted me to give you a message—to thank you for sticking up for Ethan. That was thoughtful of you, Tyler—to come to his rescue like that. She also said you told the kids we don’t get to choose how we grow up. It made me wonder if you’ve ever been sorry about the way you grew up.”

  “Never, Grandma,” he said, squeezing her hand. “Sure, I would have liked a dad, and I wonder about my mom, but you’ve been more than a mom to me. I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ve had a good life, and I’ve never been ashamed of who I am. You’re the most important person in my world.”

  Tears stung her eyes as she cupped her hand on his face. “We rarely talk about your mom. Maybe now is a good time. Is there anything you’d like to know?”

  Tyler sat back. “I often wonder what she was like—her personality.”

  Shade sighed. “Your mom had a troubled life, but it wasn’t always that way. She was a good child. Excelled in school. Popular with other kids. But when she reached her teens, she changed. That’s when she started using drugs and got pregnant—with you. The drugs controlled her. She wasn’t the same.” She inhaled sharply and looked down. “I blame myself for her problems. We weren’t close, like most mothers and daughters. I was so young when I had her. I spent too much time doting on your grandfather and not enough time being a good mother.”

  “You don’t talk much about Grandpa. I know he’s not my biological grandfather, but were you happy with him?”

  “I idolized him. He married me after I had your mother. I was afraid I’d have to give her up, but he rescued me. I felt indebted to him.”

  “What about my real grandfather?”

  Regret washed over her, thinking about Tyler’s hollow ancestry. “Your real grandfather’s name was Matthew Caldwell. He was sixteen, popular and athletic. Like you. I thought he loved me, but it was just a mask. When I got pregnant, he wanted nothing to do with me. His father was transferred to California, and I never saw him again.”

  “He sounds like a jerk.” Tyler sat silently, pondering his curious life. “Do you think my mom loved me?”

  “I know she did. But she had a hard time expressing her feelings. The drugs interfered with her ability to think rationally. To be a good mother. She struggled every day.”

  “I feel sad for her. Her life was broken, and she didn’t live long enough to fix it.” Tyler breathed deeply and looked off. “I wonder what my life would have looked like if she were still alive. I would probably never know Brent, and that would be sad.”

  “I wonder the same thing. But we’ll never know,” said Shade, considering the interconnectivity of life. “Hey, I’ve been saving something for you. Something from your mother.”

  She went into her bedroom closet and pulled out the scrapbook. She sat next to him and opened the book.

  “When I went through this, it felt like I found my daughter. The one I once knew. And I realized, then, how much she loved you—and me.” Shade swallowed, emotions clawing to escape.

  They sat together, Shade leafing through each page, offering a narrative of times and places where photos were taken. They came upon the section dedicated to Tyler—photos of him as a toddler, clippings of his fingernails and toenails saved in a cellophane bag.

  Tyler remained silent, lingering on each relic, taking in a world foreign to him. He came to a page titled “Five Things I Love About You.”

  Tyler’s eyes were fixed, a deer still and perceptive. “Grandma, something just snapped into place. Like a missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle. I never thought she cared. Like I didn’t matter. But it’s not true. She was just lost, trying to find her way, but it was too late for her,” he said, swiping a finger beneath his eyes. “Thank you,
Grandma. Now I have something tangible from her.” He leaned over and wrapped his arms around Shade. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, honey. God gave me a second chance to raise a child, and I want to do things right this time—for you. You’ve made me so proud.” She placed her open palm against his cheek and kissed his forehead.

  Tyler retired early, clutching his treasured scrapbook. Light peeked beneath his bedroom door. She imagined him revisiting the pages. A watershed moment in his life. A hidden chapter laid bare.

  “Hi, Brent,” said Shade, her heart pattering. “Tyler said you called. So, you’re coming out?”

  “Yeah. Since I got home, I’ve had this relentless gnawing. This urge to be there for Tyler. To help him realize his dreams. This is his last year of high school, and critical decisions will need to be made. Edelweiss Schools has extended a generous offer as the Athletic Director. I’m moving back to Michigan in two weeks.”

  “Oh, Brent. That’s great news. Have you told Tyler?”

  “No. I wanted to tell you first.” He paused. “To be honest, I struggled with this decision. Not because of Tyler, but because of you. Because of this feeling of having unfinished business with you.”

  She exhaled. “Is that what if feels like? Unfinished business?”

  “Yes,” he sighed. “It does. And we’ll be spending a lot of time together. My goal is to stay focused on Tyler. On his future. This is about him, not us.”

  He heard her steady breathing—and he imagined her face—contrite. “Do you agree? Are you good with this? Shade?”

  “Yes, I’m here,” she said, her voice soft. “And I’m good with everything. Tyler will be thrilled. When will you tell him?”