“Our flight leaves early,” said Brent. “Try to get some sleep.”
She fell into his arms, sobbing, drained of all hope.
“Will you be all right?” he asked, taking her head in his hands. “He’ll be fine, and he’ll do well for himself.”
She nodded and pushed her head into his chest, the strength of his arms around her, lost in his embrace. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
She remained subdued during the flight home, staring into nothing. Brent dropped her off at the cottage, as she climbed the steps, like a ghost in a dream. He carried her bags inside. She dropped onto the sofa and stared out the window in a catatonic state.
“Shade. What’s going on? I’m worried about you,” he said, sitting beside her and taking her hands. There was something in her eyes he had never seen before. A storm cloud brewing. A black hole.
She swallowed deep, pulling her hands away and clutching her chest. “I’m okay. You should go now.”
He tried embracing her, but she was dead in his arms. He kissed her forehead, but she remained detached.
“I’ll call you tomorrow to check on you. Do you want me to stay tonight? I could sleep in Tyler’s room.”
She shook her head, eyes set on blackness. Gloom.
Tyler’s bed warmed her cold skin. She pulled his pillow into her face, breathing in his scent. She knew it would be hard, but she wasn’t prepared for the depth of her agony.
The phone jolted her from sleep. “Hey, are you coming in?” asked Sally. “You said you’d be back today. I was worried.”
“I’m sorry. I overslept. Can you handle it without me? I’m not feeling up to coming in.”
“Sure. Did Tyler get settled in Arizona?”
The sound of his name made her jerk. “Yeah. Everything went well. He was so excited. Are you sure you’re okay without me?”
“I’m fine. I’ll call if I need anything.”
When she hung up, Brent called. “Good Morning. Just checking to see if you’re okay. Do you need anything?”
She could sense his concern. Hearing his voice brought her comfort. “I’m fine. I’m taking the day off. I can use the time to get things reorganized.”
“It’ll get easier. You’re a strong woman, Shade. Time heals.”
“I know. Thanks, Brent. For everything. We’ll talk soon.”
He didn’t like the sound in her voice. Flat. Adrift. He wasn’t expecting her to react this way. She’d been excited leading up to the days before Tyler moved. Supportive. But something broke. As though she had lost her purpose.
Shade sat at the kitchen counter, pulling together her thoughts, overwhelmed by the tasks ahead of her. She made a list on the yellow-lined notepad: Attorney, Amanda, bakery/Sally, Salvation Army, car, letter to Tyler, Brent.
She stared at the list. The time had come. She hung her head and prayed. Heavenly Father. Thank you for the years you’ve given me. My heart bursts with thankfulness. Who am I that you’ve been so mindful of me? I cannot grasp the depth of your love. Always watching over me and Tyler. The people you’ve placed in my life. So much to be thankful for. And yet, will I ever feel clean? Forgiven? Or is this the cross I’ll bear forever? Please walk with me as I close this chapter of my life. Thank you, Lord Jesus. Amen.
Chapter Thirty-Three
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
Psalm 119:28
She sat across from her attorney, David Cunningham, laying out her wishes.
“So, you’d like to turn over your business to Sally McCallum, free and clear. Correct?”
“Yes. I’d also like to establish a fund to help her with operating expenses.”
“Very well. I’ll draft the necessary paperwork. The deed to the house will be placed in Tyler Lane’s name, along with all bank accounts and financial portfolios.” David removed his eyeglasses, studying her. “Can I ask, are you going somewhere?”
“Yes, and I want to be sure everything is taken care of before I leave. Thanks for your time today,” said Shade, standing. “Please let me know when the documents are ready.”
Amanda arrived at the restaurant clad in black linen slacks and a silk taupe sweater.
“I’m so glad you called. How is Tyler?”
“He’s doing well. He’s adjusted to his new life better than I expected. His coaches don’t think he’ll be in the Minors long. They’re talking about moving him up to the Majors next year.”
“That’s wonderful,” said Amanda, finishing her salad. “He’s worked so hard. And how are you doing? Being alone?”
“Good,” said Shade. Her face grew serious, staring down at her folded hands. “I want you to know how grateful I am we met, and I think you’re a wonderful person. I’ve enjoyed our time together, learning more about you and my past. I wish we could have connected sooner, but it didn’t work out that way.”
Amanda sighed. “Well at least we have each other now. Shade, I don’t think I’ll ever get over the guilt of abandoning you. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s in the past. Things happen for a reason.” Shade patted her hand. “About Tyler. Please remain involved in his life. The two of you get along so well, and aside from me, you’re the only blood relative he has.”
“Of course, I’ll remain in Tyler’s life. He’s family, and such a wonderful, young man.” She peered into Shade’s eyes. “Is everything okay with you?”
“Yes. I just wanted you to know that Tyler needs you.”
“And I need you both. I don’t plan on disappearing again. You’re stuck with me.”
After a leisurely lunch, they embraced before parting. Tears slipped down Shade’s face, thinking about lost opportunities. To have a relationship with her birth mother, something she always dreamed of. But it was too late.
“Sally, let’s go to lunch today. Just the two of us. Why don’t you wrap things up in the kitchen and let Liz take over?”
“I’d love that.”
After finishing their meal, Shade pulled out a manila envelope and placed it on the table between them. “Remember when I talked about retiring?”
Sally’s face paled. “But that won’t be for a while. Right?”
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and it’s time for me. The bakery business has exceeded my expectations. But it’s time for me to step aside and allow you to profit from something you’ve put your heart and soul into.”
“Thank you Shade, but Chad and I are not in a position to buy the business. Things are still tight. As much as I’d love to take it over, it isn’t an option.”
“Bonnie left me this business when she died—free and clear. You’ve worked at the bakery longer than me. So, now I’m handing it over to you. Free and clear. I’ve set up a fund to handle operating expenses for six months. Everything is laid out in the paperwork,” she said, sliding the envelope over to Sally. “You deserve this. I wouldn’t have been successful without you.”
“Shade,” said Sally, choking on her words. “I…I don’t know what to say. I’m stunned. Why are you doing this? And what about Tyler?”
“Tyler will be taken care of. He and I talked, and we agreed you should take over the business. This isn’t something I’ve thought about lightly. It’s the right thing to do. But, I want you to promise me something.”
“Oh, Shade, anything,” she said, wiping her eyes.
“There’s a woman I meet with at the prison. Meghan Barnes. She’ll be getting out in a few years. She’ll have a hard time finding work. Promise me you’ll give her a chance. Will you do that?”
“Of course. You’ve been so good to me over the years. More so than I could have ever imagined. And now this. It’s too much. When do you plan to retire?”
“In two weeks. I want you and Chad to look over the paperwork,” said Shade, patting the envelope. “If everything looks good, and this is what you want, go ahead and sign it.”
“Two weeks? But what will you do now, with Tyler gone and no job to keep you
busy?”
“I have plans,” said Shade. “Don’t worry about me.”
The navy-blue dress dangled from the hanger. Kyle’s wedding. Her time with Brent. She loved him still, and always would. Tears tumbled. She folded the dress and placed it in the box, along with her other belongings. The doorbell.
She wiped her eyes and opened the door, smiling. “Hi, Brent. Come in. What brings you this way?”
“Thought I’d come by and check on you. Everything okay?”
“Yes,” she said, trying to manage the stray hairs that fell from her ponytail. Her heart burned like an insatiable fire. “Can I get you something? A glass of wine? Coffee?”
“Sure. How about a glass of wine?” he said, glancing around. His words seemed to echo off the walls. “It looks like you’ve been downsizing. Didn’t you have more knickknacks on the tables? More pictures on the walls?”
“Yeah,” she smiled, avoiding his eyes. “Just trying to get rid of the clutter.” She handed him a glass. “Come. Let’s sit.”
He took the wine and studied her hard before taking a sip. “So, Chad told me you’re retiring. Turning over the bakery to Sally.”
“Yes. The timing is right,” she stammered. “And it’ll help them out. Hey, the watch looks good on you.”
He smiled, admiring the cherished gift and running his fingers over the band. “I love the watch. You shouldn’t have done that. It’s the nicest present I’ve ever received. It means a lot to me. So, are you retiring so you can spend more time traveling? To visit Tyler?”
“There are things I need to do and now is a good time.”
He wasn’t buying. There was something she wasn’t telling him. Dread crept in like an icy chill. He put his glass down and moved closer to her.
“Shade, what’s going on? Something’s not right. You turn over the bakery to Sally, the house looks empty—like you’re moving. Hey, look at me. I’m worried about you.”
She tried swallowing, her tongue stuck like Velcro to the roof of her mouth. She took a gulp of wine, trying to appear relaxed. “Please don’t worry. We’ll talk more another time, but not tonight.”
His breathing deepened as he examined her face. He could see her hands trembling. He wanted to take her in his arms, to make her pain go away. “When? When will we talk?”
“Soon. Please, be patient with me. Okay?”
“I’ve been patient. For over ten years.” He sighed heavily. “Does Tyler know about the bakery?”
“He knows I plan on turning it over to Sally, but he doesn’t know when. Please don’t say anything to him. He’ll know soon.”
His fingers stroked the side of her head as he searched her eyes. “I don’t know what soon means. Does it mean I’ll find out after something has happened, or are we going to talk about it? You and I? Face to face?”
“Oh, Brent,” she said, pain gripping her face, her eyes glassy. “I’m sorry for all of this. Everything I’ve put you through. I promise. We’ll talk. In a few days. I’ll call you. Okay?”
His eyes gripped hers. He didn’t speak. He stood and walked into the kitchen, placing his glass in the sink. The yellow-lined notepad screamed out. ‘To Do.’ He scrutinized the list and glanced at her, walking toward him.
“Well, I’ll let you get back to whatever it was you were doing,” he said.
His face bore an expression she couldn’t make sense of. He loomed over her.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna talk now?”
“Yes, I’m sure,” she said, placing her glass on top of the notepad. “But soon.”
She walked him to the door. He looked into her taunting blue eyes. He pulled her close, as though gripping wetness that was slipping away. She could sense the tension in his body. She held onto him, wrestling with her emotions. The hole in her heart growing deeper still.
“I won’t do something stupid,” she said, pulling away. “You’ll see me in a few days.”
He exhaled sharply and kissed her forehead before walking out the door.
The cardboard boxes were stacked in the foyer, filled with her clothes, shoes, jewelry, purses and anything Tyler had little use for. She loaded the boxes into her car and drove to the Salvation Army.
“Would you like a receipt, ma’am?” asked the attendant as he unloaded the trunk.
“No, thank you.” She drove away, lost in reflection. Her recent lunch with Blanche and Mary. She would miss them. Two of her dearest friends, who’d been with her through so much—Stan’s passing, Addy’s murder, her transformation from a frightened, dependent woman. Two golden threads in her life’s tapestry.
And her dinner with Victoria. So entertaining. Funny how she used to view her as the sandpaper person in her life, but now she felt a special kinship. Like sisters. A gift to the heart.
She pulled into the car dealership. “Hello. Would you be interested in buying my car?”
“Do you mean a trade-in?” asked the salesman.
“No. I don’t need a car.”
“It looks new,” said the salesperson, walking around and examining the interior. “Low mileage. That’s good. Let me talk to my manager.”
The salesman returned with a fair price, and Shade accepted. “Do you think I can get a ride home?” she asked.
She sat staring at the computer screen, searching for words. It needed to be perfect, this letter to Tyler, but how God? How to put into words the immense love she had for him and why she did what she did. Who could ever understand such madness? She didn’t understand herself.
Late into the night, she drafted one version after another. She settled. It was the best she could do. She penned the words to paper and neatly folded the letter, placing it into an envelope and sliding it into her overnight bag.
Her last night at home. She drifted through the cottage in a dreamy state, recalling the memories each room held. She stepped out onto the deck. The sky was dark. Moonless. Mesmerized, she stood listening to the sound of the drifting waves kissing the shore. The crisp air filled her lungs as she negotiated the wooden steps leading to the beach. Her bare toes dipped into the cool water as it moved over her skin like liquid potion. She loved this house. This lake. Her home. But it was temporary, like life itself. Tomorrow, her talk with Brent. He sounded worried when she’d called. It would be the hardest conversation of her life. A light mist fell. She tilted her face to the sky; the wind tossing her hair, tears diluted with rain.
She awoke in Tyler’s bed. Reality struck. The day of reckoning. After washing and drying the sheets, she showered and put on her lone outfit—a pair of jeans, a black sweater and ballet flat shoes.
She walked through the house, checking and rechecking. Shut off the water, set the thermostat and clean out the refrigerator. She placed a change of underwear into her overnight bag, along with her Bible and photographs of Tyler and Brent. She lingered on a 5 x 7 snapshot taken of their fishing trip in Hawaii. Her lips brushed their faces, a trail of wetness dripping onto the glossy finish. She tucked the photos into her Bible.
Oh Father. Help me through my conversation with Brent. I love him so much I ache. I can’t bear seeing him for the last time. But I know You are my strength and my shield. In You I will trust.
She knew this day would come—ever since that night fifteen years ago. The sweet surrender of her soul—sailing free. She laid her burden on the Lord.
The taxi idled out front. Picking up her bag, she glanced over her shoulder. Tears rained down. She locked the door and stepped into the cab.
Chapter Thirty-Four
“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”
Isaiah 1:18
Brent stood inside the door and motioned her in, unsmiling, watching the cab pull away. “Where’s your car?”
“I sold it,” she said, avoiding his steel gaze.
He looked at the overnight bag. “Are you going somewhere?”
“It’s time to talk.”
His mind spun. A hamster in a wheel. He could sense something dire was about to be lobbed at him. “Let’s sit. Do you want anything?”
“No,” she said, settling onto the sofa. She sat perched, a small child in a corner, waiting for punishment, clammy hands clasped in her lap.
He faced her, a statue teetering on the edge of the chair. Waiting.
She tried swallowing, but her mouth was dry. Broken earth. She heaved a sigh. “What I’m about to tell you, I—I’ve never shared with anyone else. Ever. Please don’t say anything until I’m done,” she said, running her tongue over her lips. “I—I need to get through this.”
“Okay. I’m listening,” he said.
She inhaled long, as though it would delay her having to speak. Her eyes cast down as she was about to peel away the layers of her shattered existence. “When I met Stan, I thought he was God’s gift. A Christian man sent to rescue me from my sorry life. I was sixteen, and he was thirty-six when we married. He treated me well, but he owned me. I couldn’t go anywhere alone. Wear make-up. Buy my own clothes. I totally depended on him. The way he wanted it. But, I idolized him, never forgetting how he gave me hope—for me and my newborn daughter. Addy was a good kid, until she turned fourteen. Then something snapped. She hung out with the wrong crowd. Used drugs. She left home at seventeen and moved in with Scott and got pregnant with Tyler. Other guys lived in the house, and they were all using and selling drugs. Addy got addicted to methamphetamine. When Tyler’s father died in a drug accident, she hooked up with another guy. Jaime. After Stan passed away, I could do more things on my own, like spend time with Tyler. And I became concerned about his living conditions. I pleaded with Addy to let me take him until she got her life together, but she wouldn’t budge. One day, we had an argument. And then she told me.” She licked her lips, her mouth like baked desert clay.
The Essence of Shade Page 31