The Essence of Shade

by Deborah Jean Miller

  Brent brought her a glass of water.

  She took it, her hands shaking. She drank long and slow. Composing. “Stan began molesting Addy when she was a young teen.” Her voice broke. She caught the sound of Brent’s heavy sigh. “She never said a word, and I was too naive to notice. At first, I didn’t believe her so I dug into his past and learned he had been incarcerated as a teen for molesting a neighbor girl. I found things on his computer. Pictures of young girls. Porn sites. I was sickened. Repulsed. Not only at him, but at myself. I tried to make things right with Addy, but she was falling deeper into drugs. One day, I was babysitting Tyler, and he kept talking about sleeping with Jaime. I thought he meant he was sleeping with the two of them, but he kept saying ‘me and Jaime—man-to-man.’”

  Brent raked his fingers through his hair. He could taste his breakfast in the back of his throat.

  “When I confronted Addy, she told me I was crazy. She admitted they took naps but told me nothing was going on. I didn’t believe her. I was obsessed, feeling as though it were happening again. I needed to save Tyler. I prayed for guidance, but God didn’t answer. I was shattered. My faith was shattered. I spoke to Blanche’s husband about getting custody of Tyler, but he told me it would be a long battle. I didn’t have time.” She hesitated. Quaking. “I would do anything to rescue Tyler. Anything.”

  Her shoulders slumped. Her throat bitter with bile, her shrine of guilt about to be laid bare. She put her head in her hands. Tears arrived in torrents, dripping between her fingers. Her breathing ragged, gasping.

  Brent drew her into him. His arms shrouding her. He wanted her to stop. Trepidation raged in his gut.

  She gathered herself and pulled away from him, staring ahead, toying with the tissue in her hand. Brick by brick, the wall came down. “Addy broke her arm,” she said, as though reading a script. “She was supposed to stay overnight—in the hospital. She asked me to take Tyler. I waited until early morning—2:30. Tyler was sleeping. I loaded Stan’s hunting rifle. He had taught me how to use it. I thought if Jaime was gone, Addy wouldn’t be able to make it on her own. She would have to live with me. So, I drove the short distance to Addy’s place. If Jaime was awake, I would leave. Turn back. But he was sleeping. I saw him through the screen door. On the sofa. Passed out. A drug pipe smoldering.” She was trembling now. An Arctic wind had blown into the room. Into her soul.

  “I raised the gun to shoot.” She hung her head and sobbed. “Addy. Oh, Addy. Go back.” Her eyes squeezed shut, her face engraved with pain. Minutes dragged before she found her voice again—a high-pitched voice. “She came out of nowhere and jumped in front of Jaime. She wasn’t supposed to be there. The bullet hit her in the chest. Jaime woke up. I shot him twice. I went to her. She was gone. I picked up the shell casings. I threw them into a lake. I took a shower. I put the rifle back in the closet. I went to bed. I waited.”

  “Oh my God, Shade. You did what?” Brent spluttered. His breath was quick. His body was wax, melting into the sofa.

  She sat numb, staring vacantly. All life had vanished from her eyes. Remnants of her tissue lay like confetti, shredded in her lap. “No one ever knew it was me,” she whispered. “I took Tyler to the doctor. Later. There was no sign of sexual abuse.”

  She dropped her head in her hands and wept bitterly. “I tried to play God. I prayed for forgiveness. Please, take me back. I pleaded with Him. Just let me raise Tyler until he was on his own. Then I would turn myself in. And He listened. He answered my prayers. And He blessed me. So abundantly. More so than I could ever have hoped, and more than I deserved. And now I must fulfill my vow. Turn myself in.” A penetrating anguish seized her, her body choked with heaving sobs.

  Brent placed his forehead against the heels of his palms. His thoughts mincemeat. He walked to the kitchen and poured a glass of Scotch.

  Silence lingered, the hum of the refrigerator filled the room. She stood slowly.

  “Shade,” he said warily. “I’m—I can’t make sense of this. I need you to sit down. I have questions.” He drained his glass. His face set like that of a man in denial. A man struggling with a story beyond understanding.

  She sat, like a scolded child, her fists balled, resting on her knees. She didn’t look at him.

  “You shot them?” It was a clarifying question.

  She nodded.

  “And you left Tyler alone? A toddler. In the middle of the night.”

  “I was desperate. I had to fix everything. I didn’t know what to do.”

  “How are you going to tell Tyler?”

  “I wrote a letter. I was hoping you would give it to him.”

  “You’re going to shatter his life in a letter? You can’t be serious.” He pushed his fingers through his hair.

  “I—I can’t look him in the face and tell him I murdered his mother and Jaime. I love him so much. I can’t bear to see the horror in his eyes.”

  “What about the cottage? Did you sell it?”

  “No. Everything’s in Tyler’s name,” she stammered. “It’s in the letter.”

  He exhaled sharply, looking around, as if he would find an answer somewhere. “How could you have done that? You couldn’t have waited? Tried to get custody?”

  She looked away. “I can’t explain. I replay that night over and over in my head. It’s as though it wasn’t me in my body. I can’t undo what I’ve done.”

  “Did you ever love me?”

  She stared up at him, a look of shock. “I fell in love with you the day I met you, and I haven’t stopped loving you since.”

  He sucked in his breath and ran his hand over his mouth and chin. “It all makes sense now. Why you never let me get close. Why there could never be a future for us.”

  He turned absently and walked out onto the deck. She was a murderer? The word bounced inside his brain. Murderer. Murderess. He leaned against the balcony rail, listening to the cold waves folding against his soul. What was it like that night? Her hopelessness. The fear and fury that drove her to do the unimaginable. He reflected on her faith. Her generosity. She sacrificed everything for Tyler. How could she be the same woman? The woman he loved but could never have.

  He went inside, silently considering her.

  Her face was shrouded in shame. “I’ll call a cab. Will you give the letter to Tyler?”

  “Put it on the counter by the phone.”

  She picked up the phone and held it to her ear, her back to him, overwhelming guilt sucking the life from her. She could hear footsteps behind her. So close. His breath on her. She froze. She felt his lean body pressed up against her, the tender touch of his hand on hers, taking the receiver and placing it in the cradle. He pushed her hair aside; the brush of his warm lips caressed her neck. Her breath caught. He turned her around, facing him.

  “I’ll drive you. But not today. Tomorrow. Be with me. Just one night. The way it should have always been.”

  She looked into his hungry eyes, his face distorted by her tears. “I love you, Brent. So, so much. But it’ll make things more difficult. For us.”

  “Be with me.” He cupped her face in his hands, searching her eyes before gently pulling her to him. Their mouths touched, long and needing. Lips, tongues, teeth. His kiss felt new. Different than before. As though he had found something that was lost. A hunger clawing to escape.

  The world and all its anguish trickled away. Her body melting into his—every ounce of her flesh surrendering to him. Years of pent up passion unfurled. She ran her hands down his back, his buttocks, pulling him closer. His heart throbbed against her chest. She knew the longing in his loins, as his grip tightened, crushing her body closer.

  He took her hand and led her down the hall. Into his bedroom. She followed, without protest. He pulled her into his arms, his sapphire eyes devouring hers. “You’re always on my mind, Shade. I’ll never stop loving you.”

  Her skin felt electric. His lips brushed her eyelids. Her cheeks. His mouth eager on hers. He pulled her sweater over her head, tracing his
fingers down her bare arms. Her body shuddered with anticipation. His eyes ingested her. He stared down at her unclothed body, his face desperate, his jaw clenched. She felt alive. Shameless.

  “You’re beautiful,” he breathed, running his hands over her. Her hands moved underneath his shirt, fingers tracing his spine, the muscles in his back rippling at her touch. Unrestrained. He pulled her to his bed, their enslaved passion uncaged.

  She had never known love like this. She felt complete, lying next to him, skin to skin, bound in each other’s arms.

  He lay facing her as she slept, her breathing steady. The moonlight crept through the window, bathing her silhouette in a soft glow. He studied her face. She looked peaceful. He thought about that night. Her murderous rage. Her infinite love for Tyler.

  She awoke to his gaze. She reached over and stroked his face.

  He pulled her hand to his mouth and kissed her palm. “Are you afraid?” he asked.

  She paused. “I’m heartbroken I can’t be with the two people I love most in the world. But, no, not afraid,” she said, tracing his lips with her finger. “I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for fifteen years, and now I can finally breathe. And I’m thankful for the years of freedom I’ve had. And Tyler, his life turned out better than I had ever imagined.”

  He remained silent, taking her in.

  “Brent. I’m so sorry for the hurt I’ve caused you. For leading you on. That night in Hawaii. I couldn’t stop loving you, no matter how hard I tried.”

  His lips found hers. Gentle. Determined. He couldn’t get enough of her. Her smell. The taste of her—bodies molded so perfectly together. He wanted to savor every moment.

  She clung to him, as their spent bodies collapsed in contentment, her legs wrapped around his, her hands buried in his hair. He stared into her eyes, drawing in his breath. “I wish there were another way.”

  The sunlight poked through the window, signaling the dawn of an unwanted day. Their last together. She slept in his arms. He wondered how she could be so tranquil. She stirred and blinked up at him, kissing his mouth, her hands roaming his body, exploring every part of him. They languished in bed all morning, creating a mental scrapbook.

  The hours ticked away, the inevitable drawing closer. “Can I make you breakfast?” she asked, reluctantly rising from bed.

  “Sure,” he said, quietly. He handed her one of his T-shirts. She slipped it over her head, as he swallowed in her raw beauty. Her hair tousled and falling loose over her shoulders. Her azure eyes captured his in gentle play.

  “I’ve always dreamt about a day like this,” she said. “Us. Together. Sleeping until noon. And then I make you breakfast. A happily married couple. Two halves of a whole.” The lump in her throat swelled, as tears spilled from her eyes.

  He pulled her to him, as he sat on the edge of the bed. She kissed the top of his head and held him tight.

  “We’d better eat something,” she said.

  She prepared breakfast while he set up the coffee. The air thick with dread. She placed a plate before him at the table, then wrapped her arms around him from behind, nuzzling her face into his neck, nibbling his ear. He took her arm and pulled her onto his lap, pushing her hair from her face, holding her with his steel gaze.

  “Shade, don’t do this. We’ll get married. Move to Arizona to be near Tyler.”

  “There’s nothing I want more,” she said, wetness seeping out the corners of her eyes. “I love you so much. My heart bleeds knowing we’ll never be like this again. I’ll never feel your skin against mine. Your arms wrapped around me. The warmth of your kiss. But, this is something I have to do.”

  She retreated to the bedroom and dressed. “I’m ready,” she said, with resolve. He stood against the kitchen counter, taking her in. She walked into his space and put her head to his chest, his arms enclosing her.

  The drive to the Emmet County police station was solemn. Neither spoke. His hand clutched hers as they drove. She stared at his profile, his jaw clenching, tears escaping his eyes. He parked the car and started to get out before she took his arm.

  “I’m going in by myself. I don’t want you to remember me that way.”

  “What if they won’t take you?”

  She smiled, struggling to stay strong. “Then I’ll call you.” She leaned into him and took his face in her hands, staring into his solid blue eyes. “I love you, Brent Meyers. There are no words to describe how much you mean to me. I’ll love you until the day I die. But you—you need to move on. Find someone to share your life with. I wish it were me, but it’s not how the story ends.”

  “I’ve tried moving on. Remember? It didn’t work. You’re in my soul, Shade. As long as you have breath in your body, I’ll never stop loving you.”

  “I’m so sorry for everything,” she said, stroking his hair.

  He didn’t answer. His suffering eyes searched her, wanting this nightmare to end.

  “I know you’ll watch over Tyler. Please tell him how sorry I am.” She could no longer hold it, and a deluge of tears broke.

  He pulled her to him; they kissed one last time. She turned away, and he grasped her arm.

  “Wait. You don’t have to do this. No one will know,” he said, desperately.

  A pained expression took her face. “God will know. It’s my vow. I’m only as good as the promises I keep. I love you Brent. I always will.”

  She didn’t look back. He watched her disappear into the police station. She was gone. Like chaff on a threshing floor, swept away by the wind. His heart would surely quit.

  Shade found Kent, sitting at his desk. He smiled when he saw her standing outside his office.

  “Come in. Good to see you, Shade. Sit down. Can I get you some coffee?”

  “No, thank you.”

  “I’m sure you’re wondering if I have any updates. Sadly, I have no news.”

  “Kent, I have something to tell you,” she sighed. She breathed heavily, fighting to maintain control. “I came in to confess to the murders of Adeline Lane and Jaime Holder.”

  He set his coffee cup down and stared hard at her, smirking. “Ha.” A strange jest. “Shade. You’re joking, right?”

  “I wouldn’t joke about this, Kent. I’m sorry.”

  He studied her. “How?” He pushed his chair back. “Why? And why now?”

  “I did it for Tyler. To save him from the life he was living. And now, because I’ve done all I can for him.”

  “I don’t know what to…,” he trailed. “Okay,” he said pensively. “I need to ask you a few questions. How?”

  “I shot them with my husband’s hunting rifle,” she said. “Addy wasn’t supposed to be there. I shot her by accident.”

  “The shell casings?”

  “I threw them in a small inland lake near the farmhouse.”

  “Where is the gun?”

  “I sold it. When I moved. I can give you the man’s name.”

  He shook his head slowly. “You stayed in contact with me. To throw me off?”

  “No. I was anxious. Wanting to know if you were getting close. So, I could prepare for Tyler,” she said, dampness consuming her face. “I’m so sorry, Kent. But I’m ready to accept the consequences.”

  “I think you should have a lawyer present.”

  “I don’t want a lawyer. I don’t want a trial. I want my due punishment.”

  The plane touched down at Phoenix Mesa Airport. Tyler stood at baggage claim. Brent embraced him, harder than usual.

  “Hey,” Tyler laughed. “Are you trying to break my ribs? It’s good to see you.”

  “You, too, bud. Things going okay?”

  “Yeah. I’m looking forward to working with you on my contract. Have you talked to my grandma? I left her a few messages, but she hasn’t called back.”

  “She’s okay. I’ll update you when we get back to your place tonight. We’re headed to the stadium now, right?”

  “Yeah. I can’t wait to show you my new pitches. Buzz has invested a lot of ti
me in me. You’ll be surprised. Then we’ll go to dinner and you can meet some of the other players. Sound okay with you?”

  “Sounds good. Just looking forward to spending time with you.”

  The apartment looked the same when they arrived after dinner, small and empty. “You can take the bed, and I’ll sleep on the couch,” said Tyler, as Brent wheeled in his carry-on.

  “Thanks, but you won’t fit on the couch. I don’t mind. How do you like living alone?”

  “I’m never here. I hang out with the other players in my spare time.”

  Brent’s stomach coiled, as he pulled the letter from his jacket pocket. “I have something for you. From your grandmother. Here. I’d like to leave you alone to read it. Do you mind if I take the Jeep? We can talk when I get back.”

  Tyler’s attention became more acute. “Is she okay?”

  “Let’s talk when I get back.”

  Brent drove around Mesa and pulled into the local tavern. He ordered a beer and sat at the bar, staring blankly into the frothy head. Nausea gripped him as he pictured Tyler sitting alone, reading the letter. There was no easy way.

  Half an hour later he stood outside, gathering himself before knocking on the apartment door. Tyler appeared, his eyes swollen and red. He dropped to the sofa without saying a word. Brent canvassed the small space strewn with broken dishes and overturned chairs.

  “Do you feel like talking?” asked Brent.

  Tyler reached for him, his body heaving with sobs. Brent held him close. He was reminded of the little boy he’d held so many times when his life seemed to be falling apart.

  “I don’t know what to say,” said Tyler, choking on his words. “I wish she would have told me to my face.”