Black Lament

by Christina Henry

  “Don’t you dare do that again,” he said. “I’m an old gargoyle. You could have given me a heart attack.”

  “Do what?” I asked, still on my knees in the snow.

  Samiel charged me, hauling me to my feet with his arms under my shoulders. His eyes scanned me anxiously, frowning at the claw marks at my cheek and shoulder and thigh.

  How could you go out without telling one of us? he signed angrily. You were gone; Nathaniel was gone. We didn’t know what to think.

  “We called J.B.,” Beezle said.

  “What did you do that for?” I asked, annoyed. J.B. had probably raised the alarm. There would be Agents looking for me all over the place. “Why didn’t you try to call me?”

  “We did. You didn’t answer your phone,” Beezle replied.

  I patted my pockets for my cell, pulled it out. There were three missed calls from my house phone, and two from J.B. There was also an alert indicating that I had several voice mail messages. I was sure I didn’t want to listen to those. They probably involved yelling.

  I called J.B. while Samiel glared at me.

  “Black,” J.B. barked.

  “Hello to you, too,” I said. “I’m not dead or in mortal peril, so you can call off the search party.”

  “Where were you?”

  “I’ll explain later. By the way, what do you know about a creepy goblin thing that looks like its skin is turned inside out?”

  “Can this creature appear and disappear at will?” J.B. asked.

  “Yes. And it has kind of popping frog’s eyes?”

  “The Hob,” J.B. said, his tone alarmed. “Did it come after you?”

  “Don’t worry. I killed it.”

  There was a long silence at J.B.’s end.

  “What?” I asked. “What now?

  “I’m coming by the house later,” he said, and hung up.

  I gave my phone a dirty look since I couldn’t give one to J.B., and then stuck it in my pocket.

  “Let’s go inside,” I said to Samiel. “You can yell at me at your leisure while I drink something warm.”

  We filed into the house, Nathaniel bringing up the rear. I was too tired to argue with him about staying outside so I let him join the throng trooping upstairs to my apartment.

  Beezle landed on my unwounded shoulder. “I see you’ve managed to ruin another coat.”

  “I see you’ve been in the popcorn stash while I was gone,” I said.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, wiping popcorn crumbs from his belly.

  “You’re hardly surreptitious,” I said.

  “What do you expect? It’s your fault if I’m bingeing. You shouldn’t have disappeared without a word.”

  “I’m sorry I worried you,” I said.

  “You should be,” he replied.

  I pushed open the door and entered the kitchen. “This is your cue to apologize to me for being rude before I left.”

  “For what?” Beezle asked. “Telling the truth?”

  I shook my head. Beezle would never see that there was such a thing as being too blunt. And apologizing for hurting my feelings had never been very high on his priority list.

  I looked at Jude, still in wolf form. “We need to get you a stash of clothes you can keep here.”

  I can get something for him, Samiel signed.

  “I don’t think your clothes will fit,” I said.

  Samiel was a few inches shorter and stockier than Jude, who was about as tall as Nathaniel but a lot more heavily muscled.

  “Some of Gabriel’s things might fit,” I said reluctantly. “Come with me.”

  Jude trotted after me. I could feel Samiel, Nathaniel and Beezle staring.

  “Wait here,” I told Jude, and went into my bedroom.

  I opened the closet. There was a row of neatly pressed white shirts. Beside it were several pairs of black dress pants. Gabriel never wore anything else.

  I reached for a shirt, my hand trembling, and realized suddenly that I couldn’t see. My eyes were blurred by tears. I couldn’t breathe. I was choking on my grief. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t go on without him.

  I was on the floor, sobbing like I’d never stop.

  “Come on,” Jude said gently, pulling me to my feet. I hadn’t even heard him enter the room. He’d wrapped a bath towel around his waist in deference to my modesty. “If you stay here too long, the others will come looking. You don’t want Nathaniel to see you like this.”

  He was right. I didn’t want Nathaniel to see me broken, even if I was. I didn’t want him to think I was weak. Because if he thought that, he might try to take advantage of my weakness.

  Jude put his hands on my shoulders. “This won’t be the last time you break down. But you have to get up again, every time. Your life is not your own anymore.”

  He gave me an intent look, and I understood that he knew about the baby.

  “How did you find out?” I asked.

  “I can hear its heartbeat,” Jude said.

  “Really?”

  “Not always. Only in quiet rooms, like now.”

  “At this rate I won’t be able to keep it a secret,” I said.

  Jude nodded. “Your enemies will come for the child. I will speak to Wade about staying here for a time.”

  I knew that what Jude offered was an extraordinary sacrifice for him. He was Wade’s second-in-command, and he had important responsibilities in the pack. It would also be hard for him to be away from the other wolves’ physical proximity. Wolves slept in wolf form and in large community piles. It strengthened the bond within the pack.

  I shook my head. I couldn’t let him do this. “Though I appreciate the offer, I can take care of myself.”

  “You can,” Jude acknowledged. “But why should you have to? Why will you not accept help when it is offered freely?”

  “I guess I’m just used to being on my own,” I said slowly.

  “I will stay,” Jude said. “At least until you find Azazel.”

  Jude unfolded my fingers from the shirt I was clutching. I handed it to him. “See if this will fit you. At least until we get you something else.”

  I wiped my cheeks and went back out to the kitchen to face the others. Nathaniel leaned against the back door, arms crossed, body tense.

  Samiel stood against the counter, his body in the same posture, eyes locked on Nathaniel.

  Beezle sat in the breakfast nook on the table, his eyes shifting back and forth between the two of them.

  “Stand down,” I said to Samiel. “He can stay. For now.”

  I explained to Samiel and Beezle what we found at Azazel’s. Jude came out in the middle of my monologue wearing Gabriel’s clothes. The pants seemed to fit okay, but Jude was too barrel-chested to get the shirt buttoned. I ignored the little pang in the region of my heart and continued the story.

  Jude carried my first-aid kit in his hand. He indicated I should sit down and take off my coat; then he started cleaning and dressing the wounds on my shoulder and face.

  Beezle looked thoughtful when I was done recounting the events of the day.

  “It sounds like Azazel had the vampires under some kind of compulsion,” Beezle said. “I can’t believe they would have voluntarily gone into the sun.”

  “It was like they had been triggered by something, an early-warning system,” I said. “But I don’t think they would have agreed to be Azazel’s automatons.”

  “Who said they agreed?” Jude growled.

  “I wish we knew what Azazel was doing with those experiments,” I said, frustrated. “But I’m pretty sure the binders are buried under a pile of vampire ash.”

  Nathaniel moved suddenly, and it was like he’d set off an automatic alarm. Samiel pushed away from the counter, hands curled and ready to punch. Jude stood and bared his teeth.

  My former fiancé gave my two overzealous defenders a scathing glance, then pulled something out of his coat and tossed it on the table.

  It was a binder. />
  6

  “HOW DID YOU… ?” I ASKED IN WONDER, PICKING IT up and opening it.

  “I managed to collect it before we escaped.”

  I remembered that Nathaniel had been beside me in the hallway, but when we started running he’d ended up behind Jude. A tiny seed of hope blossomed inside me. The binder he’d grabbed had been the most recent one, so it was probably our best chance of figuring out Azazel’s foul intentions. At the very least, we weren’t completely in the dark.

  I looked up at Nathaniel, who watched me intently.

  “Thank you,” I said. “You risked your life to go back for this.”

  “I knew it was important to you,” he said softly.

  Samiel slammed a fist on the table so that we would look at him.

  You’re not helping yourself by trying to come on to my sister, he signed angrily. I don’t trust you.

  Beezle translated this rather gleefully for Nathaniel, who looked puzzled.

  “There is no need to remind me every second of the day that none of you trust me,” Nathaniel said icily. “I am well aware of your feelings on the matter.”

  “And if we want to remind you of them, then you will just have to deal with it,” Jude said.

  “You’re the one who came here seeking asylum,” I said.

  “I came to protect you, as per Lord Lucifer’s orders,” Nathaniel said.

  “Because it was the only option to save your life. If your own skin hadn’t been on the line, you never would have come back here,” I said.

  “How can you be sure?” he asked.

  My temper flared. “Look, you want consideration from the rest of us? Then stop playing games. Maybe if you stopped pretending to be enthralled with me and put your agenda on the table, everyone would stop threatening you every second of the day.”

  “You give me no credit at all, do you?” Nathaniel said angrily.

  “What’s it going to be?” I asked. I felt the flare of magic under my skin, but pushed it down. I was getting better at controlling my power, at keeping my abilities at bay when my emotions were unsteady.

  Nathaniel stared at me from the other side of the table. I matched his stare beat for beat. Jude and Samiel flanked me, ready to lunge at my say-so.

  After several moments he turned his head aside. “Have it your way.”

  “That doesn’t really sound like a concession,” Beezle said, landing on my shoulder.

  “Very well. I will admit to being interested in saving my own life. But I hardly think that is an unreasonable desire.”

  I acknowledged this with a nod. “And?”

  “And what?” Nathaniel challenged.

  “And what else were you planning when you came here?”

  “I intended you no harm, if that is what you are asking.”

  “What do you intend?” Jude asked.

  “To regain Lord Lucifer’s favor by protecting the most beloved child of his line,” Nathaniel replied.

  “So you just want your status back,” Beezle said.

  “If I admitted to anything further, I would be accused of falsely manipulating Madeline’s emotions,” Nathaniel said. “So, yes.”

  The four of us exchanged silent glances. I could tell we’d all come to the same conclusion. He probably really was interested in regaining power, and as long as I didn’t interfere with that, I was probably safe. But if I ever got in his way… Well, let’s just say I didn’t buy Nathaniel’s protestations of affection.

  “I guess I have bigger things to worry about than you stabbing me in the back, especially since every freaking faerie thing that ever was seems to be crawling out of the storybooks to kill me.”

  “Does that mean you will permit me to stay?” Nathaniel asked.

  “Yes,” I said.

  He’s not sleeping up here, Samiel signed.

  “I was going to put him in the basement.”

  Samiel shook his head. He can stay with me. That way I can keep an eye on him.

  “Won’t that cramp your style with Chloe?” I asked.

  To my surprise, Samiel blushed. We’re not… I don’t know what Beezle told you…

  “Ah,” I said. “She comes on pretty strong, huh?”

  Yes, he replied, nodding fervently.

  I tried and failed to smother a grin. It was so cute to see Samiel disconcerted by a punk-rock scientist half his size.

  Don’t laugh or I’ll sic her on you next time she comes over, Samiel warned. She’s dying to see where the famous Madeline Black lives.

  “Who’s laughing?” I said, attempting to school my face in lines of sobriety.

  “So the angel will stay,” Jude said. “And so will I.”

  “It’s going to be interesting trying to feed everyone around here on your non-salary,” Beezle said.

  “Some of us might have to do without second helpings occasionally,” I replied.

  “Some of us need to keep up our strength in order to fulfill our duties as home guardian,” Beezle replied loftily.

  “The only thing I’ve seen you guarding lately is the popcorn bowl,” I said.

  “Even the hardest-working gargoyle needs a break occasionally.”

  “Or forever.”

  Jude laid a hand on my shoulder. “I will return to the pack this night and speak with Wade. I will arrive back here tomorrow. With my own clothing.”

  “Okay,” I said. I didn’t want to admit that I would be relieved that he wouldn’t be using Gabriel’s things.

  “Bring food,” Beezle added.

  “How dire is your situation?” Jude frowned.

  “Very,” Beezle said at the same time that I said, “Not bad.”

  He looked from Beezle to me. “Which is it?”

  “It’s okay if it’s just me and Samiel eating,” I said. “But two more mouths would be a stretch.”

  “What about me?” Beezle said.

  “If you didn’t eat for the next year, you still wouldn’t be back at fighting weight,” I said.

  “She’s trying to kill me,” Beezle said to the room at large. “An old gargoyle, one that has devoted the best years of his life to raising and protecting an ungrateful child…”

  “I can pay my own way,” Jude said.

  “As can I,” Nathaniel said.

  “Thanks,” I said, and meant it. It would be a huge relief to not have to worry about stretching my meager food budget.

  Jude clapped me on the shoulder. “I will return soon, Madeline Black. Your husband’s clothes will be outside when you’re ready to collect them.”

  Jude disappeared through the back door.

  I pressed my hand to my cheek. The claw marks hurt, and I was extremely tired all of a sudden.

  “I can heal you,” Nathaniel offered. “Those marks will scar you permanently otherwise.”

  “That’s okay,” I said. “I don’t want them to be healed.”

  I didn’t want to have the pain taken away by an angel’s magic, an angel other than Gabriel. More than that, I wanted those marks to stay, to remind me every time I looked in the mirror I was still human. No matter how many monsters chased me, no matter what politics I was expected to play, I was still a human being. And my child would be part human, too, even if it would be the smallest part of him.

  Nathaniel looked like he wanted to speak again, then changed his mind.

  Come on, Samiel signed, pointed him to the door. Let’s get your sleeping arrangements sorted.

  I translated, and Nathaniel followed Samiel without another word.

  Beezle stayed behind a moment when the others left. “You should let Nathaniel heal you. Your strength is being sapped enough by the baby. If you run yourself down on top of being pregnant, you’ll make yourself sick.”

  “I don’t want to be indebted to Nathaniel,” I said.

  “You may not have a choice.”

  “I lived fine for plenty of years without magical emergency care,” I pointed out.

  “You also lived plenty of years wit
hout knowing who you were and without dozens of enemies waiting outside to kill you.”

  “I know what I’m doing,” I said.

  “Just don’t let your pride get in the way of doing what’s necessary,” Beezle said.

  Then he flew out the back door, slamming it shut behind him.

  And I was alone. The tick of the analog clock that hung over the stove sounded like the beat of a drum. It was the middle of the afternoon, but I felt like I could go sleep for twelve hours. I needed to get some pregnancy books or something so I could find out if it was normal to be this tired.

  “Yeah, I can probably squeeze that in between hunting Azazel and fending off faerie assassins,” I said to myself.

  I doubted the pregnancy books would cover supernatural births, in any case. Somehow I didn’t think there would be a chapter on what to do if the father of your baby was part nephilim.

  I dragged my heavy feet into the bedroom, pulled off all my clothes and went to shower off the blood from the wounds the Hob had given me.

  The marks on my right thigh were not deep but they were raised and swollen. Jude hadn’t disinfected them while we sat in the kitchen with the others.

  I scrubbed the wound until the scabs came off; then when I was out of the shower I poured hydrogen peroxide into it. I hissed as it stung and the peroxide bubbled.

  The heavy, wet mass of my hair kept falling in the way as I bandaged my leg. Irritated, I threw it over my shoulder but it kept falling back. It had been months since I’d gotten it cut and it was well past the middle of my back now. Gabriel had loved my hair.

  I straightened, the bandaging complete, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. The humidity from the shower made my curls coil with wild energy around my head. The slash marks from the Hob’s claws stood out in bright relief against my white skin. The dark circles under my eyes added nothing positive to the overall impression.

  I looked like a mad Medusa, the kind of woman people crossed the street to avoid.

  The impulse was there, so I didn’t stop to think about it. I opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a pair of scissors. Then I started to cut.