A Good Distance From Dying

by David Carroll

  “It could also be nothing more than a red herring. Whoever is responsible for all of this may have wanted us to think it was tied to these old instillations and waste time there other than looking at what they were really doing. The mind is adept to finding patterns. That is how it works. Keep an open mind; we don’t even have a hint of what has happened to cause all of this. I will say that I seriously doubt it was the Nazis coming back from the grave for some payback. I believe any tie this phenomena shares with World War Two is purely coincidental.” Amanda said.

  “But?” Shawn said.

  “Coincidental.” Amanda said again.

  “What’s not coincidental is just how bad it was to live in northeast Tennessee today. Look at it all. Washington DC. Roanoke, Virginia. Kingsport. Oak Ridge. Nashville. Knoxville. My God, we never had a chance.” Jack said.

  I began to scroll the map further down the screen to see what news stories were on the page. The top story was titled; “President’s Speech a No-Go. America Fears the Worst.”

  “Well that’s that.” Sass said.

  “Do you all think…that he’s…ya’know…dead?” Veronica asked.

  If I would have to guess, I would say, “Oh yeah, he’s dead.” He was probably a buffet dinner by noon today, one o’clock at the latest. My appraisal of his ability to remain breathing had nothing to do with the man himself. It was more to do with the way Washington would have attempted to protect him. They would have put to much trust in armed guards. I could see it ending badly.

  “If he doesn’t give his speech tomorrow then I will be almost positive that he is no longer alive.” Amanda said.

  Everyone grew quiet again. It seemed that it didn’t matter whether you agreed with his politics or even if you liked him as a person, the thought of the president not being there anymore was a frightening thought. I agreed with Jack that, most likely, there wasn’t a United States of America anymore. I had never thought about how painful it could be to have something you had been a part of since birth taken away from you. I was never what you would call patriotic, but suddenly being a man without a country when being "an American" had been a good sized chunk of who you were left a void.

  The next news story was; “Military Exodus to Rally Points. We Are Now On Our Own!” This story didn’t even attempt to hide the anger that everyone left behind was feeling. The reporter believed the military should do armed escorts to the rally points. I knew that this wasn’t going to happen. The military was saying to the American people, “We are getting a safe harbor ready, but you’re going to have to sail to it.” I didn’t even want to imagine the number of people that would die attempting to make it to the safe zones. There would be needless death after needless death as people would abandon just as good, if not better, accommodations than the military could provide as they attempted to make it to an official area. Personally, I had no desire to make the trip. If any of the others wanted to go I would do my best to talk them out of it, but if I couldn’t then I would wish them luck and tell them to go with God my brother because I was staying right here.

  The next topic was “Photographing the Dead; A Disaster in Pictures.” I clicked the link and was directed to a web page that showed a picture of what looked like at least a hundred zombies reaching up towards the picture taker. The photographer had been standing on a fire escape and leaning out over a crowd of the dead. The caption said. “Becky Sluss, age 13, New York City. The title of the picture was “we can’t get out.” I clicked to the next picture. It was a picture of a man airborne. He was jumping from the roof of one building to the roof of the next. The photographer had been below the jumper and the picture caught the man, the edges of both rooftops and the dead falling off the first roof as they attempted to pursue. You could tell the man was going to make it to the other roof, but the zombies…not so much.

  And that’s how it went for the next hour. Picture after picture. We couldn’t bring ourselves to look away. Finally, I stood up and shut the lid of the laptop.

  “Guys, we can look at this more tomorrow; we need to get some sleep.”

  “Charlie’s right. We have a lot of work to do tomorrow, both on and off that computer.” Jack said.

  I hadn’t realized how tired I was until I stood up. I felt like I could sleep for a year, but I knew I wasn’t done yet. Shawn and Veronica disappeared into their tents and soon it was only Sass, Jack, Amanda and I left. We had walked to the front of the building and were looking out across the parking lot.

  “What did you find Jack?” I asked.

  “He had a small bite on the back of his left arm. I don’t know how he avoided getting tagged worse.”

  I closed my eyes. “I was afraid of that.”

  “What are we talking about?” Sass asked.

  “During my last trip into the store, Charlie had asked me to find out what type of injury had infected our rap fan. He has a theory about why he behaved the way he did. I stripped him down and checked his entire body. The only wound he had, other than our bullet hole, was a small bite on the back of his left arm. It looked like something just barely nicked him.” Jack said.

  “And what was your theory Charlie?” Amanda asked.

  “I was thinking that the variations in the zombie’s behavior may be tied to how severe the infection, or injury is. I thought that if the injury is minor and it takes a long time to kill you then it may be possible for some defining feature of the person to somehow be imprinted into the dead brain as it forms. It would probably be so subtle that the zombie wouldn’t even realize that they are doing it or acting any different than the others.”

  “So, you’re saying, if you’re right that is, that Judy would have retained some behavior that made her who she was?” Sass asked.

  “If my theory is right, then yes. It took a very long time for the disease to consume her so I’m sure that she would have had some form of a quirk that would have been a throwback to who she was in life.”

  “It is something to think about, that’s for sure.” Jack said.

  “Maybe we should get a notebook and write all of our theories down so we can keep track of them.” Amanda said.

  “That’s a good idea. I’ll bring up a box of notebooks and pens tomorrow.” Jack said. “But right now it’s late and I’m tired. I think it’s time for all zombie survivors to go to bed.”

  “Wait.” I said before any of them could turn away. All three looked up at me.

  “Listen guys. I’m done. I promised that I would get us to safety. That’s done and I am now stepping down as the leader of this group. Jack, I am more than happy to give leadership to you.”

  Jack’s face dropped.

  “What?” He said.

  “I’m turning my leadership over to you. You’re much better suited for the job than I am.” I said.

  “Oh, no. No, Charlie. I’m not the leader of this group. That’s your job.” Jack said.

  I was dumbfounded. I opened my mouth and nothing came out. I looked to Sass and Amanda and they were both looking at me with mild interest. I closed my mouth and then a second later opened it again.

  “Charlie, I know this is not a job you want, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is a job you’re good at. I don’t think that anyone else could have done even half the job that you have done today.” Jack said.

  Quiet flooded the roof. I stood there looking at the three of them. Had they gotten together prior to this talk and decided what they were going to do with me? It did seem that they were ready for this. I felt that flicker of anger well up in me. I felt that I was being played with and I didn’t like it.

  “No.” I said.

  Jack raised an eyebrow at me. “What do you mean, no?”

  “I mean no. I did my best to be that person, and as a result, in one foul swoop almost half of my group was killed. I know that I am not up to this challenge. I also know that I am no longer the best person for the job. Jack, you are much more intelligent than I am on pretty much everything we need to know
to survive in this world. You seem to not only have military training but I get a good idea that you had a fairly large leadership position. You are the man to take us safely into the future, not me. I will just continue to get us killed.”

  “Charlie, can I ask you a question?” he said.

  “Sure Jack.”

  “And you will answer truthfully?”

  “Yes sir.”

  Jack looked me dead in the eyes as he spoke to me. He held me in that drill sergeant stare, and I found I was powerless to look away.

  “Who is the man who has provided nearly all of the theories we currently have about the behaviors and motivations of these creatures?”

  I didn’t want to answer his question.

  “Do you know who that would be, Charlie?”

  “Yes sir, it would be me.”

  Jack nodded. “Who also had the foresight to use the laptop to help us find out as much information as we could on our current situation?”

  “That would be me as well.”

  Jack nodded again. “Just one more question, Charlie, if you don’t mind.”

  “I think I might, but fire away.”

  “Do you care about these people that you led to my doorstep?” Jack asked.

  “What?”

  “Do you care about them? Do you want to make sure that they are kept safe?”

  “Yes Jack. Jesus, I’m not saying I want to…”

  “Then why are you scared of helping them? Are you scared of seeing more people die under your watch or is something deeper? Do you not trust your own judgment?”

  I became quiet. I wanted to lash out. I wanted to cuss him until I ran out of words. I wanted to say, “Forget this” and leave. Only have myself to be responsible for. What I did was look into Jack’s face and say nothing.

  “How long have you thought that you’re worthless, Charlie?”

  No answer parts my lips.

  “What made you start thinking that way in the first place? Who told you that you were no good?”

  No words come in my defense.

  “What gives you the right to give up on yourself when everybody else is depending on you to keep them safe?”

  I closed my eyes. I wanted to just ride this out. Jack would grow tired of attacking me sooner or later. He would shut up and they would go to bed and then I would just disappear during the night. I wasn’t about to stay here and take this. I heard Jack say, “Open your eyes and look at me.” When I opened my eyes, Jack smirked at me, that bastard actually smirked at me and asked, “What gives you the right to be weak, Charlie?”

  I felt rage and pain well up inside me. I opened my mouth to scream at the man, but what came out was a soft, choked, whisper. The words I knew so well. The words my teachers had told me during high school. The words my guidance councilors had said again and again. The words my parents had said with their eyes, but never spoke. The words I always heard in the back of my mind. It was the first time in my life that I had ever said them and the act of saying it brought up a slew of emotions that I didn’t think I could manage.

  “Because…I have never…accomplished…anything.” I said. I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I said it, but I kept my face hard. I kept my mouth clinched tight, and I refused to reach up and wipe the tear away. Jack’s face broke into a smile as if he was getting exactly what he wanted.

  “Charlie, today you accomplished saving the lives of five people and a dog. That was all you.” Jack said.

  “That was not me. That was the group. We all did our part.”

  “Who led the group Charlie?”

  I found that I had lost my voice again.

  “Charlie, I think the problem isn’t that you don’t have faith in your ability. I think the problem is that you refuse to give yourself the credit you deserve. Self worth is based on the credit that you give yourself for your accomplishments. If you refuse to acknowledge what it is you do then you can never value what skills you have to offer. To help you gain some self worth I think I need to tell you some basic truths. You know more about this sort of thing than I do. You’re more creative in your thinking than I am which I believe will help you figure these creatures out to a level that I never could. Your instincts are sharp and accurate. You like to be the clown, but from what I’ve seen that is usually more help than hindrance.” Jack said.

  “Without you, I would be dead right now. I have no doubt about that. I don’t think I would have ever made it past that bridge in Blountville.” Sass said.

  “I would be dead as well if not for you Charlie.” Amanda said.

  I gave her a look. “Amanda, you’re the one that has been keeping us alive all day. How can you say that I saved your life?”

  “I would be dead in Gray right now if not for you. I would have gone down guns blazing. I would have taken out as many of those crazies as I could have on my way out the door, but I have no illusions where a gunfight in that building would have led me. You slowed me down. You found me a purpose that wasn’t shoot first and figure out a plan later. You taught me something today about tactics that I had refused to let myself see. You did that Charlie, nobody else.”

  “You are the right man for this job.” Jack said.

  “And if I say no?” I asked.

  “You won’t. I don’t think you can. I, on the other hand, can and will. My leading days are done. I will help you in every way I can, but I won’t lead.” Jack said.

  “I will also help.” Amanda said.

  “You know I’ll always have your back.” Sass said.

  “So basically, what the three of you are saying is that we’re a committee, but I get the blame for everything.” I said.

  Jack laughed, “Sounds about right.”

  I closed my eyes again and shook my head, but I could feel a smile spread across my face. I had heard about the old tough love spiel before, but had never experienced it. I thought I knew what Jack had been doing. It was a military version of a reality check. He wanted me to confront whatever I had inside of me that was causing me to grind the gears when my brain was trying to shift into second. This, he had accomplished. Every moment of it had sucked, and I never wanted to do it again, but he had done exactly what he had set out to do. I had to admit the man was good at his job. But what exactly had his job been before today? Did his past job in the military create his own reluctance to lead? I assured myself that these were things that I would discover sooner or later. Now that it was over I felt more tired than ever, but I also felt as if a weight had been lifted off me. It was a weight that I had carried almost my entire life and now it was gone. Did I believe everything they had told me? No, not even close. But Jack was right; I had saved some lives today.

  “Fine. I’ll do it.” I said.

  Jack’s smile widened. “Good to have you back, boss.”

  C H A P T E R F O R T Y - T W O

  My tent is very spacious. When I asked Jack if I could have something larger than a one person tent, he had said, “No problem”, but still I hadn’t expected one as large as this. Big Lou was lying on the other side of the tent with his paws over his face. I put his blanket and pillow beside him and then put my own bed together. I looked at the watch Jack had brought up from the store for me and saw that it was almost eleven. I sighed and lay down on top of my sleeping bag. For the first time since I woke up this morning I was alone and safe. I could now take a moment and completely relax. I didn’t have to worry about what crisis was in front of me. I didn’t have to worry about what was behind that next bend in the road. I could just exhale, close my eyes, and let all the tension and stress seep out into the air around me and disappear. It felt good. It was a feeling that I had taken for granted for so many years. Before all of this I may have been working a dead-end job and I may not have had much of a social life. But looking back I could say that I had been happy. My life wasn’t one of depression. I enjoyed my days even though most were just more and more wasted time. Could I say the same thing for my life now? Did I enjoy being the man
? Did I like the power of being the leader? It was too early to know. I was sure that being a leader up here where it was safe was going to be much different than it was on the road from Blountville. Maybe up here being a leader wouldn’t be that bad.

  I remembered a show I used to watch called “Sliders”. It was a really good show; at least until it moved to the Sci-Fi channel. The story was about a group of four people who, due to a mistake by the lead character, were doomed to slide from dimension to dimension trying to find their way back home. The leader ended up being this young college kid that had made the device which moved them through the dimensions. There was this one episode where he finally just snaps and refuses to lead anymore. He tells them that this was something he never asked for and never wanted. That was where I was now.

  I know I had that big tearful breakthrough. I now realize that I have lived my entire life based on the parameters that others saw as my abilities. I never questioned these walls that I thought surrounded me. I had just accepted them as what I was, and wasn’t, able to do. I had let them define me and that had been wrong. I had gotten past that mental block, and looking into the future, it seemed to be wide open. I could do anything I set my sights on. But, did I want my sights to be set on this leadership role? I still didn’t think I did. I would do it for a bit and if I still felt this way we would have another talk and this time I wouldn’t let them win. That was if it came to that. Heck I may find that I like it. I may find that I am good at it. This is the first day of a new world; why can’t it be the first day of a new me?

  Eventually, in that episode of “Sliders” the leader guy finally realizes that he is being stupid and that he needs to get over himself and do his job. This is what he does and they all move on to the next series of hassles together. The credits roll; see you next week. I’ll do my best to get my group to the credits and on to next week, but the prospect of doing it seems almost too daunting. What should we do first? I really didn’t have an answer for that, but I bet Jack would, or Amanda. They would know what we need to do to shore up the defenses for this home away from home. I bet Sass will have a few really good ideas to help all of us non-military people feel more comfortable and more at home. That would be nice. It would help us pull together as a group to do some stuff together. Board games or cards or something. Sass and I will look at that while Jack and Amanda play army tomorrow.