Blackout

by Dani Matthews

  I release a loud sigh. “I’m becoming paranoid,” I announce unhappily.

  “Not paranoid, just conscious of your surroundings. You’re doing exactly what Bryce told you to do,” he assures.

  My hands lift, and I rub them over my face with frustration. “I hate feeling so on edge. It’s not normal.”

  “I’d be concerned if you weren’t affected by what’s going on, Harper.”

  “I’m usually so level, especially my moods. But lately, my emotions are on a figurative rollercoaster. I feel like a stranger in my own skin,” I tell him, trying to hide how truly miserable it’s making me feel.

  “It won’t always be this way,” he promises.

  I hope not, because if this goes on much longer, I’m going to go insane.

  Twenty

  Harper

  It’s Saturday afternoon, and since Gabe’s at work, I’m bored. I’d already washed all my laundry and cleaned most of the house. I’m driving myself stir-crazy by staying home. Before, when I hadn’t known my case was possibly linked to Carrie’s, I’d been determined to go on with my life. Now that there’s a chance this guy wants me dead and could be following me, the knowledge doesn’t make going out and socializing all that appealing.

  “What are you doing?” Quinn asks from behind me.

  I continue cleaning the living room window. “What does it look like?”

  “Looks to me like you’re hiding.”

  My hand stills, and I sigh and turn away from the window to face her.

  Quinn stands there, her arms folded. “That would probably be my natural instinct too if I were in your shoes, but I think it’s doing more harm than good,” she informs me.

  The damp paper towel crumples in my hand as I walk to the sofa and sink down onto the nearest cushion. “I know,” I say, not bothering to deny it. “I’m slowly going nuts hanging around the house, but I prefer breathing to not,” I say in a dry tone.

  Quinn moves to sit down beside me. “I can’t imagine what it’s like being in your position.”

  “I never thought I’d be here myself.”

  She nods. “I think for safety purposes, it makes sense to stay close to the house, but you also need to get out besides going to work. Otherwise, all that frustration and tension will continue building,” she warns.

  “I’m really not up to socializing, Quinn.”

  “I didn’t mean you should go to a party or hang with the others. I’m thinking maybe a short trip out of the house is in order. I’m low on groceries, what about you?”

  “Me too,” I admit.

  “So let’s go to the store,” Quinn suggests. “Nothing’s going to happen on the way there, and there’ll be people around outside and inside the store. Perfectly safe.”

  She has a point, and I smile in agreement. “Let’s go.”

  “Great,” she says with a grin. “Ash’s out in the pool with Channing, I’ll go see if she wants to join us.”

  I note that she hadn’t mentioned Channing. “Just Ash?”

  “Yes, it’s a girls’ trip. Besides, aren’t you tired of all the hovering lately?”

  “Actually, I am.”

  “Unless it’s Gabe,” she teases.

  I don’t bother denying it.

  Quinn rises to her feet, and I stand as well. “I’ll go invite Ash,” she says.

  “You know Channing’s going to want to tag along.”

  She rolls her eyes. “We’ll be just fine without him.”

  “Good luck telling him that. I’m going to go change and grab my purse.”

  She nods, and we leave the living room. “See you in a few,” she tells me before we part ways in the foyer.

  While Quinn heads for the back of the house, I go up to my room and change out of my tank and shorts, and slip on a casual, navy romper.

  I glance in the mirror. My hair is pulled back into a ponytail, but my face could use a little powder. After I apply some makeup and lip gloss, I grab my purse and open the door just as Ash is walking to her room.

  She has a towel wrapped around her bikini-clad body, and her hair is dripping wet. “I’ll be ready in two,” she promises.

  “There’s no rush!” I call to her as she disappears into her room.

  When I reach the foyer, I can hear Quinn and Channing’s voices drifting out of the living room. I move closer to the room’s arching doorway and listen.

  “I don’t like it, Quinn.”

  “You don’t have to like it. Channing, she has to be feeling suffocated by all the fuss—”

  “There’s a reason for it.”

  “I know,” Quinn says patiently. “Keep in mind that she won’t be alone. Ash and I will be with, and nothing’s going to happen in the middle of a store. Look, if we act like this guy could literally jump out from nowhere, she’s going to drive herself crazy looking over her shoulder constantly. You and I both know that Harper isn’t that type of person. She needs to get out for a while without one of you guys acting as her personal bodyguard.”

  Channing sighs.

  “Nothing’s going to happen, and you know it.”

  “Fine, but if you guys go anywhere else, text me so that I’m not worrying over how long it’s taking you guys.”

  “I will,” Quinn assures.

  I don’t want to be caught eavesdropping, so I enter the living room as if I hadn’t been lingering outside the doorway.

  Channing passes by me wearing damp swimming trunks, and he smiles. “Tell Ash to grab a pizza, will you?”

  “Sure,” I reply. He disappears, and I walk to where Quinn’s standing.

  She makes a face. “I suppose you heard all that.”

  “We knew he wouldn’t be thrilled over the idea.”

  A second later, Ash enters the living room wearing a casual sundress, her damp hair pulled up into a knot. “Sorry,” she tells us.

  “We’re not in any hurry,” Quinn assures with an easy smile.

  “Channing wants you to pick up a pizza,” I add.

  She rolls her eyes. “Of course.”

  The mood is light, and I appreciate it as we exit the house and walk to Quinn’s car. She promptly lowers the top, and Ash hops into the backseat without hesitation. After we’re all seated, Quinn backs out of the driveway and grins as we drive down the street. “It’s gorgeous today.”

  I have to agree, and I enjoy the breeze and the warmth of the sun. It’s nice to be out of the house, and I’m glad that Quinn had suggested this outing.

  “We should road trip to the beach one weekend,” Ash suggests.

  Quinn glances at her in the rearview mirror. “Sounds fun to me.” Her eyes slide to me questioningly.

  “I’m in,” I agree.

  “I think we should make it a girls’ weekend,” Quinn says loudly over the sound of someone’s bass as we slow at an intersection.

  “I’m fine with that,” Ash says from the back.

  “Me too,” I say, and that’s where the topic ends. We can’t plan anything until my case has been solved. A figurative dark cloud hovers over me as I wonder how long this miserable mess is going to last. What if six months from now the guy still hasn’t been caught? I have a life to live, and I can’t go on fearing that each day might be my last.

  From the corner of my eye, I see Quinn glance at me. I know her well enough to know that she’s aware my thoughts are heading in a darker direction. She’s trying to take my mind off my problems, and I’m not making it easy. I tuck my hair behind my ear and try to push aside the gloomy thoughts.

  “How are things going with Gabe?” Ash asks me.

  “Yes, do tell,” Quinn teases.

  The mention of his name has my lips curving upwards. “Things are going well.”

  “So is it official?” Ash presses.

  I reach up and lower my visor mirror so that I can peer at her in the backseat. Her hair is blowing all over the place. There’s traffic all around us, and I hear a guy from a vehicle nearby wolf whistle. We all ignore it. “Off
icial? As in boyfriend status?” I ask.

  She nods.

  “We’re not putting a label on it, at least not at this point,” I add.

  “But you’re doing the dating thing, right?”

  “Yes,” I confirm.

  She smiles. “It’s nice to see him happy. Around you, he’s much more relaxed.”

  “I’ve noticed that, too,” Quinn says. “He’s been kind of uptight the past year or two, but you seem to bring out his carefree side.” Her eyes slide to mine. “You bring out the best in him.”

  Speaking of men… I look at her with interest. “How’s that man you’re seeing?”

  “Yeah. You’re so hush-hush about him,” Ash complains.

  Quinn shrugs as she concentrates on traffic. “Not much to share. I’m just screwing him.”

  I glance at Ash in the visor mirror, and we exchange a look. Sleeping with the same man for an extended period gives the chance for feelings to develop.

  Quinn releases an unladylike snort. “I saw that, you know. He’s just a screw, nothing more,” she says firmly.

  “What if he wanted to date?” I ask, unwilling to let the topic rest just yet.

  She shakes her head. “Nope. Not my type.”

  “Why?” Ash demands.

  “He just isn’t,” Quinn replies.

  “Oh come on, give us a reason. You stick your nose into our personal lives daily,” I remind.

  “True,” she concedes. “He’s not the commitment type,” she adds.

  “Neither was Channing,” Ash reminds.

  “I mean it,” Quinn says. “He’s never going to settle down, and if I were the settling type, it would be with someone I could count on and trust. He’s not dependable. And that is all you nosy bitches are getting out of me,” she says as she pulls into the grocery store and searches for a parking space. It’s close to campus, so the store is usually busy with the college crowd.

  I turn my head and make a face at Ash, who wrinkles her nose at me. Quinn hadn’t given us jack shit for information. She gave us nothing while making it seem like she was giving us something.

  We climb out of the convertible, and after Quinn raises the top and locks the car, we head inside the store. Cool air greets us, and we each grab a shopping basket.

  “Where should we begin?” Quinn asks us, her eyes expectant.

  The store is mildly busy, and I look at the people at the checkouts. There are six checkout stations, and there’s a few people standing at each one. Most are my age except for an older couple patiently waiting in line.

  For a moment, I wonder if he’d followed us here. Then, I shake off the thought. “Fruit,” I announce, responding to Quinn’s question.

  Quinn sighs. “Fine.”

  Ash shakes her head at her. “You have to stop eating all that crap and balance it with things that have nutritional value,” she chides.

  Quinn turns on both of us, flashing us a warning look. “This better not turn into a ‘gang up on Quinn’ type of trip. If it does, I’m leaving your asses here, and I’ll go to the nearest drive-thru so I can eat the juiciest burger just to spite you two health nuts,” she threatens.

  “I am not a health nut,” Ash protests.

  “I am and proud of it.” I move past them and walk to the fresh fruit located along the wall in the produce section. It’s chillier over here, but I don’t mind. I grab a small produce bag and begin filling it with apples.

  Ash takes a bag and begins looking over the oranges while Quinn stands there, patiently watching us.

  I pick up an apple and playfully toss it to her. “If you touch it, you buy it.” She has no choice but to catch it, and she glares. “Put it in a bag,” I tease.

  With dramatic movements, she takes a bag and drops the apple inside. She then walks to the small display of packaged caramel and grabs a pack. With a sweet smile, she drops it in her basket along with the apple.

  I shake my head. “The caramel defeats the purpose.”

  “Cry me a river,” she replies.

  “Leave her be, she’s a lost cause,” Ash says with a laugh.

  This is why I love Quinn. She’s doing her best to dredge up old, ridiculous arguments, and I appreciate her effort. All the tension from earlier fades away.

  Quinn watches us pick out more fruit before we make our way to the aisles, saving dairy and meat for last. For the first time since the attack with Brandie, I wander the aisles without concern. People linger here and there, but I’m not worried they’re going to single me out or follow me to the parking lot. I’m with friends, and I’m safe with them.

  There isn’t much that I buy in the processed food department, so I follow Ash and Quinn, who are scanning the various boxes of cereal. Quinn wanders over to me, and she leans in close. “Just wanted to give you a heads-up. Jake’s at the other end of the aisle,” she murmurs.

  I look at her blankly.

  She gives me a deliberate look. “Jake—the one-nighter.”

  Oh. I’m not the one-night stand type, so I always become uncomfortable around the few men that I’ve slept with. I glance over her shoulder and see him standing in front of the oatmeal. He’s a good-looking guy with broad shoulders and blond hair. The sex had been good, but afterwards had been awkward as hell, and I’d quickly left his place soon after.

  It’s been a while since we’d hooked up, and I shrug, focusing my attention back on Quinn. “He probably doesn’t even remember me,” I tell her. Running into someone I’ve had sex with is the least of my concerns these days.

  Ash approaches us. “Ready?”

  We begin walking down the aisle, and Jake happens to be strolling in our direction. When he sees me, I swear his eyes light up. “Harper,” he greets, pausing in front of us. “It’s been a while.”

  I honestly hadn’t expected him to notice me. “Hi Jake,” I say politely.

  His blue eyes linger on me, and then he flashes a friendly smile at Quinn. “Quinn,” he greets, and then he hesitates on Ash.

  She smiles. “I’m Ash,” she introduces.

  “Jake.” His eyes slide back to me, and he looks more than just a little interested. “Want to go out sometime? I mean on a real date,” he adds.

  If it weren’t for Gabe, I’d probably be interested, but things have changed. “I’m actually seeing someone,” I explain, keeping my tone light.

  He looks embarrassed to be rejected in front of Ash and Quinn. “I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask. He’s a lucky man.” His eyes flicker to Quinn and Ash, including them as he says, “It was nice running into you all.”

  As soon as he’s moved on to another aisle, Quinn nudges me with her elbow. “You are totally not forgettable.”

  I laugh and affectionately push her away. “That was good for the ego,” I confess.

  “Good,” Quinn says with a grin.

  We continue with our shopping, and when we reach the dairy department, we run into Mason, Emma’s boyfriend. The last time I’d seen him had been at the party with Emma and Sarah.

  He’s just putting two gallons of milk into his cart when he spies the three of us. His blue eyes turn concerned as he approaches, his eyes lingering on me. “I heard about what happened. What kind of sick fuck would go after someone like you?” he asks, frowning.

  I should have known my name would be making the rounds on campus. “If I knew, I wouldn’t be in the situation that I’m in,” I joke, trying to make light of it. It’s no laughing matter, but it’s one thing to allow those closest to me to see my fear, and entirely different to let others see it.

  “The police doing anything to keep you safe? Man, if it were Emma…” Something dark settles over his face.

  “That’s right, you two moved in together over the summer,” Quinn says, joining the conversation and trying to shift the topic away from me. “Where is she?” she asks, looking around.

  “She’s out with Lara and Sarah.”

  Ash steps forward, drawing his attention to her. “Hi, I’m Ashton,” she intro
duces.

  He smiles warmly. “Nice to meet you. I’m Mason.”

  Before anything more can be said, his phone goes off in his pocket. He pulls it out and looks at the screen. “Ah, I gotta take this. It was great seeing you guys.” His eyes linger on me. “Keep your head up. If you need anything, feel free to hit up Emma. I’m usually where she is,” he says kindly.

  “Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind.”

  He nods and walks away with his cart, his phone already pressed to his ear.

  I release a sigh. “Everyone’s talking about me.”

  “Sorry. I guess I should have warned you,” Quinn says apologetically.

  “It’s fine. I should have known.”

  Ash’s phone chimes from within her purse, and she releases her own sigh as she digs out the cell phone. “That’ll be Channing.”

  “Right. Because we haven’t been in touch within the past thirty minutes,” Quinn says sarcastically.

  Ash shrugs and scans the text before shaking her head. “Men,” she mutters. “Get in here with me,” she says, motioning that she wants to snap a selfie.

  We lean in next to her, and we make funny faces while Quinn gives the finger. Ash laughs and sends it to Channing. Most people would think we’re being childish, but Ash isn’t much into texting. She prefers emojis since it’s quicker than having to type anything out. When she’d first arrived in Riverside, she’d been self-conscious about her dyslexia and had hidden it from us. Channing has been slowly helping her to understand that just because her parents hadn’t been able to accept that part of her, that doesn’t mean others won’t.

  She tucks the phone back in her purse. “We need ice cream,” she announces.

  “Eggs first, then ice cream,” I agree.

  ***

  Later that evening, I listen to Bryce’s voicemail for the second time.

  “Harper, it’s Bryce. I spoke with the department psychiatrist, and unfortunately, I don’t have the news you were hoping for. When blood alcohol content rises to a certain degree, she said it starts affecting the hippocampus. That’s the area in the brain that stores short-term memory. Blackouts aren’t a result of forgetting events, it’s actually the brain not being able to store memories when the blood alcohol content levels are that high. If you have further questions, please feel free to call me. Stay safe.”