Complete Works of J. M. Barrie

by Unknown

  CECIL (impressed). You think so?

  LADY GEORGY. Especially as your father says he won’t allow the marriage to take place at all.

  CECIL. Allow! I like that! (By sundial — stretching himself grandly.) Who’s twenty-one? Is anything wrong, Aunt Georgy?

  LADY GEORGY (hesitates by stone seat, then makes confession). Cecil, something awful is to take place in this house within the next ten minutes. You know whom I am expecting to-day?

  (Sits.)

  CECIL. The Stormy Petrel. Rather!

  LADY GEORGY. I wish they didn’t call her that.

  CECIL (crosses to LADY GEORGY and sits on arm of seat). Miss Loney seems such an inadequate name for a woman who has set society in a blaze.

  LADY GEORGY (eagerly). She has, Cecil, hasn’t she? They say she and her medium have some wonderful cures, and so was it very dreadful of me to invite them down here to see whether they could do anything for poor Millicent. It’s quite possible they are not frauds.

  CECIL. There’s always the off chance.

  LADY GEORGY. Of course I never saw her — and it does seem suspicious her having a medium.

  CECIL. Suspicious but exciting! I hope the medium’s pretty.

  LADY GEORGY. I know nothing about her except that her name is Little Mary.

  CECIL. I have a feeling that Little Mary will turn out to be a duck.

  LADY GEORGY (despairingly). Cecil, I meant to have them here without the doctors knowing anything about it.

  CECIL. They would be furious if they did know.

  LADY GEORGY. Well, look in at that window.

  CECIL. Who are they?

  LADY GEORGY. The one is our local doctor.

  CECIL. Oho!

  LADY GEORGY. The other is much worse. He is a specialist from London, Sir Jennings Pyke, come to consult about Millicent.

  (CECIL goes back to seat, sits.) I didn’t understand he was coming, and now every moment I am expecting Miss Loney and her medium, and if these four should meet? (Rises and turns facing CECIL.) Oh, my goodness gracious!

  CECIL. Jehoshaphat!

  (Enter LORD PLUMLEIGH lazily from door at back. He is a boy of fourteen, and is munching an apple.)

  LORD PLUMLEIGH. Morning, mater. (Up by door — lazily leaning against door.)

  LADY GEORGY (severely). It is past eleven and you have just finished breakfast, Digby.

  LORD PLUMLEIGH (munching). Not quite finished.

  (CECIL rises, goes up slowly to DIGBY.)

  Have the hankypankies come yet?

  LADY GEORGY (shuddering). No.

  CECIL. Lazy little beast!

  LORD PLUMLEIGH. Morning, Cecil — may I say friend?

  (CECIL sits down.)

  LADY GEORGY. Digby, I’ve a letter from Dr. Pym saying you are the idlest boy in the whole school.

  LORD PLUMLEIGH (genially). I can tell you how he knows that. We had a plebiscite about which was the idlest and I won. Not sure that I deserved it though. I think some of the fellows voted for me because I am a lord. (Sees that LADY GEORGY is fidgeting.)

  (LADY GEORGY looks in entrance of hedge and back again to seat.)

  (To CECIL) Anything the matter? (Crosses to CECIL behind sundial.)

  (CECIL tells him the state of affairs in a low voice, LORD PLUMLEIGH is mischievously delighted and grins at his mother. CECIL coughs warningly and exits through window as enter SIR JENNINGS and DR. TOPPING, SIR JENNINGS is elderly, polished, genial when he pleases.

  DR. TOPPING is younger, proud of being in a great house, and full of the etiquette proper between an ordinary practitioner and a consulting physician. Thus he opens window for SIR JENNINGS and remains standing till SIR JENNINGS is seated, etc. LORD PLUMLEIGH is by centre door.)

  SIR JENNINGS. Well, dear lady, we have seen your daughter, and we have had our little consultation. Your son?

  LADY GEORGY. Lord Plumleigh — Sir Jennings Pyke.

  LORD PLUMLEIGH (takes off his cap and shakes hands with SIR JENNINGS). I hope you ‘re decent.

  SIR JENNINGS (pleasantly). Thank you — and you?

  LORD PLUMLEIGH. I’m decent. Much illness about just now, Topping?

  DR. TOPPING. A great deal, my lord — a very trying summer.

  SIR JENNINGS. I don’t remember a more trying summer.

  DR. TOPPING (impressed). Don’t you, Sir Jennings?

  LADY GEORGY. But Millicent?

  SIR JENNINGS. I find her, dear lady, in safe hands. In very safe hands indeed. (He bows to TOPPING, sits by LADY GEORGY.)

  (DR. TOPPING bows.)

  SIR JENNINGS. After carefully considering the case I have come to the conclusion that the same treatment should be continued. (Turns to DR. TOPPING) Perhaps a slight change in the phosphates, Dr. Topping — a little less iron.

  DR. TOPPING. Certainly, Sir Jennings.

  SIR JENNINGS. I think so. (Turns to DR. TOPPING) Do you think so?

  DR. TOPPING. Yes.

  SIR JENNINGS. Yes, I think so. Otherwise as before.

  (Turning to LADY GEORGY) In such a case as this, dear lady, we cannot overestimate the importance of building-up. Two years ago, as I understand, Lady Millicent received a great shock?

  LADY GEORGY. You remember the circumstances? She was engaged to be married to Sir Frank Cosham, and his sudden death was the blow from which she has never rallied. She recovered so far from the fever that followed, but she regains no strength — no spirit. It is nearly two years since she has been able to move about except in an invalid chair.

  DR. TOPPING. And how angelically she bears it. I never go near her without feeling that I am in the presence of a cathedral.

  SIR JENNING. Yes. A broken lily.

  DR. TOPPING. Or, better still, of a broken lily.

  SIR JENNINGS. Ah, dear, dear — well! well! well! We must build her up.

  (LORD PLUMLEIGH after arranging cushion sits in chair.)

  Now, dear lady, there are two physicians greater in this matter than either Dr. Topping —

  (DR. TOPPING bows to him.)

  — or myself.

  DR. TOPPING. Oh! Sir Jennings!

  SIR JENNINGS. Myself! Namely Dr. Food and Dr. Sleep. It is not too much to say that for the present when Lady Millicent is not sleeping she should be eating, when not eating she should be sleeping.

  LORD PLUMLEIGH. That’s just what I do! (Lying on chair.)

  LADY GEORGY. We have tried that for so long — we have tried everything.

  SIR JENNINGS. Has she been to Homburg?

  LADY GEORGY. Oh yes.

  SIR JENNINGS. The mud baths at Swalbach?

  LADY GEORGY. We have tried them also.

  SIR JENNINGS. The Engadine?

  LADY GEORGY. Yes.

  SIR JENNINGS. The Canary Islands?

  LADY GEORGY. No; we haven’t tried them.

  SIR JENNINGS. Oh! I strongly recommend the Canary Islands.

  DR. TOPPING (impressed). Do you, Sir Jennings?

  SIR JENNINGS. Yes, I happen to know a medical man there.

  DR. TOPPING. Most fortunate.

  SIR JENNINGS. I shall give you a note to him.

  DR. TOPPING. Thank you, Sir Jennings.

  LADY GEORGY. It all seems so hopeless. (Rises.)

  (TOPPING goes to LORD PLUMLEIGH.)

  SIR JENNINGS (rising genially). Oh, no, no, no, with time, dear lady — give us time. (To TOPPING) Well, well, Dr. Topping, I think — (Meaning that he has finished, goes to sundial, examining it.)

  DR. TOPPING. The cheque, Lady Plumleigh.

  LADY GEORGY. Yes. - (Gives him an envelope.)

  SIR JENNINGS. Tempus fugit. Ah, how true, how true.

  (Looking at sundial.)

  DR. TOPPING. Thank you. (Calls to SIR JENNINGS) Eh — Sir Jennings, eh — (Offers envelope.)

  SIR JENNINGS (coming to TOPPING). What’s that? Oh yes!

  (Puts it carelessly into waistcoat pocket, hums.)

  Ta ra, ra, ra, la ra la ra ra. (Turns looking at house.) Charming place you have here, Lady Plumle
igh. Charming!

  LORD PLUMLEIGH. I say, Sir Jennings —

  (SIR JENNINGS turns to him.)

  — have you heard of this lady who has been making such a sensation lately? They call her the Stormy Petrel.

  (SIR JENNINGS’ manner changes to hardness. DR.

  TOPPING has not heard of the lady, but is prepared to look whatever is expected of him.)

  Have you met her?

  SIR JENNINGS. There is nothing I should like better.

  (LORD PLUMLEIGH gloats over his mother’s uneasiness.)

  LADY GEORGY (faintly). I suppose — quite a fraudulent person?

  SIR JENNINGS. Entirely so, dear lady. A worker of miracles, Topping.

  DR. TOPPING. Very sad.

  SIR JENNINGS. And with the help of a medium. Oh, I assure you there are people who think she has saved their lives.

  DR. TOPPING. And this is the twentieth century.

  LADY GEORGY (sits in seat). Of course they do tell marvellous stories about her. There was Lord Mauleverer, for instance, who used to be so swathed in gout that he was a bundle rather than a man. What was it his son told you, Digby, about Miss Loney?

  LORD PLUMLEIGH. He said she had his pa hopping about in no time. But how does she do it? (This to SIR JENNINGS.)

  SIR JENNINGS. Ah, there YOU have me? (He says it as if it were a witty and pregnant remark.)

  DR. TOPPING (in same spirit). Precisely.

  LADY GEORGY. I have heard that her patients are sworn to secrecy. At all events they will tell nothing.

  DR. TOPPING. Tricky — very tricky.

  SIR JENNINGS. But clever!

  DR. TOPPING. Oh, clever!

  LORD PLUMLEIGH. Mother says that to invite such hankypankies to one’s house is an insult to the medical profession.

  (Sound of wheels, LADY GEORGY starts up.)

  SIR JENNINGS. I quite agree, dear lady.

  LORD PLUMLEIGH. What’s the matter, mother — did you hear anything?

  LADY GEORGY. No — I — no!

  DR. TOPPING. I think I hear the sound of wheels.

  LORD PLUMLEIGH. It must be those ladies you are expecting, mother. (Rises) Oh, here they come.

  (LADY GEORGY is desperate, DEIGHTON, the butler, shows in LORD CARLTON, not greatly altered by the six years that have elapsed, LORD CARLTON crosses to LORD PLUMLEIGH.)

  LORD PLUMLEIGH (comes back to chair). It’s only you, uncle?

  LORD CARLTON (shakes hands with LORD PLUMLEIGH). Plum, my boy, are you decent?

  (LORD PLUMLEIGH turns from him.)

  He seems disappointed, Georgy. (Turns to LADY GEORGY.)

  LADY GEORGY (relieved). But I am delighted.

  LORD PLUMLEIGH. We were expecting two ladies, vou see.

  LORD CARLTON. Ah well, I don’t think they came by my train.

  (LADY GEORGY crosses to LORD PLUMLEIGH. LORD CARLTON crosses to SIR JENNINGS.)

  Ah, Sir Jennings! (Shakes hands.) I hope this doesn’t mean that our dear little Millicent is worse?

  SIR JENNINGS. No, no, a little consultation — that is all.

  LORD CARLTON. If I am in the way —

  SIR JENNINGS. On the contrary, I fear we are in your way.

  LORD CARLTON. Well, I must return to town to-day, and I should like a few words with Lady Plumleigh — if you have quite finished.

  SIR JENNINGS. Quite.

  (SIR JENNINGS going a step towards LADY GEORGY.)

  May we — dear lady, have a look at the gardens?

  LADY GEORGY. Oh yes. Digby will show them to you. Digby, come and show the garden.

  LORD PLUMLEIGH. Bother! We were talking of the Stormy Petrel, uncle — what do you think of her?

  (SIR JENNINGS and DR. TOPPING listen.)

  LORD CARLTON. Well, from all I hear, my Plum, I should say she would be none the worse for six months’ hard.

  SIR JENNINGS and DR. TOPPING. Very good.

  LADY GEORGY (shudders — calls LORD PLUMLEIGH). Digby!

  (Exeunt SIR JENNINGS and DR. TOPPING and LORD PLUMLEIGH.)

  Of course you’ve come about Cecil?

  LORD CARLTON. What else? Where is he?

  LADY GEORGY. In the gardens. Shall I send for him?

  LORD CARLTON. No, no! Georgy, I’m at my wits’ end about him — an actress — !

  LADY GEORGY. On, it’s awful! (Reproving) You didn’t take my advice, David.

  LORD CARLTON. Well, I sent my lawyer to her with a handsome offer, but she showed him the door. (Chuckling) I should have liked to have seen her showing old pomposity the door!

  LADY GEORGY. David, your fatal sense of humour!

  LORD CARLTON. Yes. (Gravely) I’m serious enough about this.

  LADY GEORGY. But you didn’t take my advice about the private inquiry.

  LORD CARLTON. Georgy, I couldn’t. Your detective fellow came to me for instructions — but who am I to send a spy nosing into a woman’s history? I sent him away. It was as much as I could do to avoid kicking him downstairs.

  LADY GEORGY. That’s all the thanks I get!

  LORD CARLTON (sits). No, no, my dear. I’m devoutly thankful to you for contriving to keep Cecil here and preventing him gallivanting after her. I call it uncommon clever of you.

  LADY GEORGY (defiantly). It is clever — but you won’t say so when I tell you how I contrived it.

  LORD CARLTON (strongly). Have you been up to anything?

  LADY GEORGY. Well, I may as well tell you at once. Eleanor is here.

  LORD CARLTON. Here!

  LADY GEORGY. She has been here as long as Cecil. (Quaking) That’s my cleverness, David.

  LORD CARLTON (rises — furious). Oh, is it?

  LADY GEORGY. You might have pity on me. I wander about with my arm round her waist and call you the most horrid names.

  LORD CARLTON. Thanks —

  LADY GEORGY. I look on at her dying till I’m sick of it. She is good at dying, and she dies all over the house. (Plaintively) I can see by these cushions that she’s been dying here this morning.

  LORD CARLTON. Why is she here?

  LADY GEORGY. Don’t you see, by pretending to be her friend, I gain her confidence — and ail the time I have been quietly employing that detective. Oh, she doted on me!

  LORD CARLTON. Georgy, it isn’t pretty.

  LADY GEORGY. There’s a proverb, isn’t there, about setting a woman to catch a woman?

  LORD CARLTON. Something like that! Yes, yes, and the result?

  LADY GEORGY. I know the worst.

  LORD CARLTON. Then there is a worst? (Kindly) Poor girl!

  LADY GEORGY. Oh, my dear, you don’t understand. Surely in a case of this kind there can be but one worse. (Tragically)

  David — there is nothing whatever against her — she is a perfectly nice girl.

  (LORD CARLTON can’t help chuckling.)

  It seems there are quite a number of nice actresses nowadays. I don’t know what the stage is coming to.

  (Goes to him — sees him chuckling — in dudgeon.)

  Laugh on, but will you laugh when you read in the playbills ‘Princess Prettytoes — Lady Rolfe’?

  LORD CARLTON. Stop it! (Wincing.)

  LADY GEORGY. Oh, she is to continue to follow her art — they both say so.

  LORD CARLTON. Stop it, I say! Ah, here is Cecil!

  (Enter cecil. He is in deadly earnest and looks sternly at lord carlton.)

  CECIL. SO, father!

  LORD CARLTON. So, MY BOY!

  LADY GEORGY (shocked). Cecil, won’t you shake hands with your father?

  CECIL. My dear aunt, your kindness to me and Eleanor I can never forget, but I ask you to be so good as to leave me alone with this gentleman.