Complete Works of J. M. Barrie

by Unknown

  BODIE (taking her hand). How did you find out?

  CINDERELLA (gravely). It’s come to me. The more I eat the clearer I see things. I think it was just an idea of mine; being lonely-like I needed to have something to hang on to.

  BODIE. That was it. Are you sorry you are not the other one?

  CINDERELLA. I’m glad to be just myself. It’s a pity though about the glass slippers. That’s a lovely idea.

  BODIE. Yes.

  CINDERELLA. Tell me about Them.

  BODIE. The children? They are still with me, of course. I am keeping my promise, and they will be with me till you are able to take care of them again. I have them a great deal in the studio in the daytime.

  CINDERELLA (cogitating). I wonder if that’s wise.

  BODIE. Oh, they don’t disturb me much.

  CINDERELLA. I was meaning perhaps the smell of the paint would be bad for them.

  BODIE. I see! Of course I could give up painting.

  CINDERELLA (innocently). I think that would be safest.

  (MR. BODIE kicks.) Are you kind to Gretchen?

  BODIE. I hope so. I feel it’s my duty.

  CINDERELLA (with a sinking). It’ll not be no use for Gretchen if that’s how you do it. I’m sure I should get up. (She attempts to rise.)

  BODIE. Now, now!

  CINDERELLA. Are you fond of her, especially when she’s bad?

  BODIE (hurriedly). Yes, I am, I am! But she is never bad! they are all good, they are like angels.

  CINDERELLA (despairing). Then they ‘re cheating you. Where’s my boots?

  BODIE. Quiet! That’s all right.

  (A pretty and not very competent PROBATIONER comes in at the window, carrying fishing rods, followed by DANNY with croquet mallets and balls.)

  PROBATIONER (laden). I want to shake hands with you, Mr. Bodie, but you see how I am placed.

  CINDERELLA. Do your pretty bow at any rate.

  (The attractive girl does her pretty bow to

  MR. BODIE. It is one of the few things she does well, and will probably by and by bring her into some safe matrimonial harbour; but in her country’s great hour she is of less value to it than a ball of twine. She is of a nice nature and would like to be of use, but things slip through her hands as through her mind; she cannot even carry a few lengths of fishing rods without an appeal to heaven. She is counting the pieces now with puckered brow.)

  DANNY (one of the few men in the world who can carry four croquet balls in two hands). You see, sir, there is a pond in the garden, and we have a fishing competition; and as there are not enough rods the men hides them so as to be sure of having a rod next day.

  PROBATIONER. It is very unfair to the others, Danny.

  DANNY (warmly). That’s what I say, Nurse.

  CINDERELLA. The Matron found a rod the other morning hidden beneath one of the men’s mattresses.

  PROBATIONER. The odd thing is how he could have got it to the house without being seen. (Her counting of the pieces ends in her discomfiture.)

  BODIE. Anything wrong?

  PROBATIONER. There are only nine pieces. A whole rod is missing!

  CINDERELLA (trembling for her). Nurse, I’m so sorry!

  BODIE. After all, it’s a trivial matter, isn’t it?

  PROBATIONER (her beautiful empty eyes filling). Trivial! I am responsible. Just think what Dr. Bodie will say to me!

  BODIE. Are you afraid of her too?

  PROBATIONER. Afraid! I should think I am.

  DANNY. And so am I.

  (Before MR. BODIE has time to kick, the terrible one reappears.)

  DR. BODIE. I am going over to the Home now, Dick. You must come at once, if you are coming.

  BODIE (cowed and getting his coat). Yes, all right.

  DR. BODIE. A great coat on a day like this! Absurd!

  BODIE (remembering what CINDERELLA has told him, and pointing sternly). French shoes on roads like these, ridiculous!

  (DR. BODIE kicks this time — it is evidently a family trait. Delight of DANNY.)

  DR. BODIE. No. 7, you needn’t grin unless there is a reason. Is there a reason?

  DANNY. No, no, Doctor.

  DR. BODIE. Fishing rods all right this time, Nurse?

  PROBATIONER (faltering). I am so ashamed, Dr. Bodie; there is one missing.

  DR. BODIE. Again. I must ask you, Nurse, to report yourself to the Matron.

  PROBATIONER (crushed). Yes, Dr. Bodie.

  DR. BODIE (observing that DANNY is stealing away unobtrusively). No. 7.

  DANNY (still backing). Yes, Doctor.

  DR. BODIE. Come here. What is the matter with your right leg; it seems stiff.

  DANNY (with the noble resignation of Tommies, of which he has read in the papers). It’s a twinge of the old stiffness come back, Doctor. I think there’s a touch of east in the wind. The least touch of east seems to find the hole that bullet made. But I’m not complaining.

  DR. BODIE (brutally). No, it is I who am complaining.

  (She feels his leg professionally.) Give me that fishing rod.

  (The long-suffering man unbuttons, and to his evident astonishment produces the missing rod.)

  DANNY (without hope but in character). Well, I am surprised!

  DR. BODIE. You will be more surprised presently. Come along, Dick.

  (She takes her brother away.)

  DANNY (the magnanimous). She’s great! Words couldn’t express my admiration for that woman — lady — man — doctor.

  PROBATIONER. How mean of you, Danny, to get me into trouble.

  DANNY (in the public school manner). Sorry. But I’ll have to pay for this. (Seeing visions.) She has a way of locking one up in the bathroom.

  PROBATIONER (with spirit). Let us three conspirators combine to defy her. Carried. Proposed, that No. 7, being a male, conveys our challenge to her. Carried.

  CINDERELLA (gleefully). Go on, Danny.

  DANNY (of the bulldog breed). I never could refuse the ladies. (He uses the stethoscope as a telephone.) Give me the Convalescent Home, please. Is that you, Doctor. How are you? We’ve just rung up to defy you. Now, now, not another word, or I’ll have you locked up in the bathroom. Wait a me; there’s a nurse here wants to give you a piece of her mind.

  PROBATIONER (with the stethoscope). Is that you, Miss Bodie? What? No, I have decided not to call you Dr. Bodie any more.

  (Alas, DR. BODIE returns by the window unseen and hears her.) Please to report yourself as in disgrace at once to the Matron. That will do. Goodbye. Run along. Heavens, if she had caught us!

  DANNY. It would have meant permanent residence in bathroom for me.

  (It is then that they see her.)

  DR. BODIE (after an awful pause). I have come back for my stethoscope, Nurse.

  (The PROBATIONER can think of no suitable reply.)

  DANNY (searching his person). I don’t think I have it, Doctor.

  DR. BODIE. Don’t be a fool, No. 7.

  PROBATIONER (surrendering it). Here it is, Dr. Bodie, I — I —

  DR. BODIE (charmingly). Thank you. And, my dear, don’t be always Doctor Bodieing me. That, of course, at the Home, and on duty, but here in my house you are my guest. I am Miss Bodie to you here. Don’t let me forget that I am a woman. I assure you I value that privilege. (She lingers over CINDERELLA’S pillow). Dear, you must invite Nurse and Danny to tea with you, and all be happy together. Little Cinderella, if I will do as a substitute, you haven’t altogether lost your Godmother.

  (She goes, shaking a reproving finger at DANNY.)

  DANNY. We ‘re done again!

  PROBATIONER (reduced to tears). Horrid little toad that I’ve been. Some one take me out and shoot me.

  (The MAID comes with tea things.)

  DANNY. Allow me, maiden.

  ELLEN. Dr. Bodie says I am to bring two more cups.

  DANNY (whose manner is always that of one who, bathroom or no bathroom, feels he is a general favourite). If you please, child.

  PROBATIONER (as soon as EL
LEN has gone). Dr. Bodie is an angel.

  DANNY (quite surprised that he has not thought of this before). That’s what she is!

  CINDERELLA. Danny, can’t you say something comforting to poor Nurse.

  DANNY (manfully). I’m thankful to say I can. Nurse, I’ve often had fits of remorse; and I can assure you that they soon pass away, leaving not a mark behind.

  PROBATIONER. Dear Dr. Bodie!

  DANNY. Exactly. You’ve taken the words out of my mouth. The only thing for us to think of henceforth is what to do to please her. Her last words to us were to draw up to the teatable. Are we to disregard the last words of that sublime female?

  PROBATIONER (recovering). No!

  (The extra cups having been brought, the company of three settle down to their wartime tea-party, the tray being on CINDERELLA’S lap and a guest on each side of her.)

  DANNY. Our plain duty is now to attack the victuals so as to become strong in that Wonder’s service. Here’s to dear Dr. Bodie, and may she find plenty to do elsewhere till this party is over.

  PROBATIONER (able to toss her head again). After all, she put us in a false position.

  DANNY. That’s true. Down with her!

  PROBATIONER. I drink to you, Danny.

  DANNY (gallantly). And I reply with mine.

  CINDERELLA. It’s queer to think I’m being — what’s the word? — hostess.

  DANNY. All things are queer ever since the dull old days before the war; and not the unqueerest is that Daniel Duggan, once a plumber, is now partaking of currant cake with the Lady Charlotte something!

  CINDERELLA (nearly letting her cup fall). What?

  PROBATIONER. You weren’t supposed to know that.

  CINDERELLA. Does he mean you? Are you — ?

  PROBATIONER. It’s nothing to make a fuss about, Cinderella. How did you find out, Danny?

  DANNY. Excuse me, but your haughty manner of wringing out a dishcloth betrayed you? My war-worn eyes, of various hues, have had the honour of seeing the Lady Charlotte washing the ward floor. O memorable day! O glorified floor! O blushing dishcloth!

  PROBATIONER. That was just a beginning. Some day I hope when I rise in the profession to be allowed to wash you, Danny.

  DANNY (bowing grandly). The pleasure, my lady, will be mutual. (He hums a tune of the moment)

  ‘And when I tell them that some day washed by her I’ll be — they’ll never believe me’ —

  PROBATIONER (with abandon). ‘ But when I tell them ‘twas a jolly good thing for me — they’ll all believe me!’

  DANNY. And when I tell them — and I certainly mean to tell them — that one day she’ll walk out with me —

  (In a spirit of devilry he crooks his arm; she takes it — she walks out with him for a moment.)

  PROBATIONER (coming to). No. 7, what are we doing I

  CINDERELLA. It’s just the war has mixed things up till we forget how different we are.

  PROBATIONER (with a moment of intuition). Or it has straightened things out so that we know how like we are.

  (From the garden comes the sound of a gramophone.)

  CINDERELLA. David’s a long time in coming.

  DANNY. The four-twenty’s not in yet.

  CINDERELLA. Yes, it is; I heard the whistle.

  DANNY (sarcastically). Would you like me to see if he hasn’t lost his way? Those policemen are stupid fellows.

  CINDERELLA. None of that, Danny; but I would like fine if you take a look.

  DANNY. Anything to oblige you, though it brings our social to a close. None of these little tea-parties after the war is over, fine lady.

  PROBATIONER. Oh dear! I’ll often enjoy myself less, Danny.

  DANNY. Daniel Duggan will sometimes think of this day, when you are in your presentation gown and he is on your roof, looking for that there leakage.

  PROBATIONER. Oh, Danny, don’t tell me that when I meet you with your bag of tools I’ll be a beast. Surely there will be at least a smile of friendship between us in memory of the old days.

  DANNY. I wonder! That’s up to you, my lady. (But he will be wiser if he arranges that it is to be up to himself)

  PROBATIONER (calling attention to the music). Listen! No. 7, to-day is ours.

  (She impulsively offers herself for the waltz; they dance together.)

  DANNY (when all is over). Thank you, my lady.

  (She curtsies and he goes out rather finely. It is not likely that her next partner will be equal to her plumber. The two girls are left alone, both nice girls of about the same age; but the poor one has already lived so long that the other, though there may be decades before her, will never make up on CINDERELLA. It would be grand to see this waif, the moment after death, setting off stoutly on the next adventure.)

  CINDERELLA. He is a droll character, Danny. (Examining herself in a hand-mirror.) Nurse, would you say my hair is looking right? He likes the cap.

  PROBATIONER (who will soon forget her, but is under the spell at present). Your David?

  CINDERELLA (on her dignity). He’s not mine, Nurse.

  PROBATIONER. Isn’t he?

  CINDERELLA. Hey, hey, hey! Nurse, when he comes you don’t need to stay very long.

  PROBATIONER (in the conspiracy). I won’t.

  CINDERELLA (casually). He might have things to say to me, you see.

  PROBATIONER. Yes, he might.

  CINDERELLA (solemnly). You and me are both very young, but maybe you understand about men better than I do. You’ve seen him, and this is terrible important. Swear by Almighty God you ‘re to tell me the truth. Would you say that man loves little children?

  PROBATIONER (touched). Don’t frighten me, Cinderella; I believe him to be that kind of man. Are you fond of your policeman, dear?

  CINDERELLA (winking). That’s telling! (Importantly.) Nurse, did you ever have a loveletter.

  PROBATIONER (gaily). Not I! Don’t want to; horrid little explosives! But have you — has he — ?

  CINDERELLA (becoming larger). In my poor opinion, if it’s not a loveletter, it’s a very near thing.

  PROBATIONER. If I could see the darling little detestable?

  CINDERELLA. Oh no, oh no, no, no, no! But I’ll tell you one thing as is in it. This—’There are thirty-four policemen sitting in this room, but I would rather have you, my dear.’ What do you think? That’s a fine bit at the end.

  PROBATIONER (sparkling). Lovely! Go on, Cinderella, fling reticence to the winds.

  CINDERELLA (doing so). Unless I am — very far out — in my judgment of men — that man is infatuate about me!

  PROBATIONER (clapping her hands). The delicious scoundrel! Cinderella, be merciless to him! Knife him, you dear! Give him beans!

  CINDERELLA (gurgling). I ill-treats him most terrible.

  PROBATIONER. That’s the way! down with lovers! slit them to ribbons! stamp on them!

  CINDERELLA. Sometimes I — (She sits up.) Listen!

  PROBATIONER (alarmed). It isn’t Dr. Bodie, is it?

  CINDERELLA. No, it ‘s him.

  PROBATIONER. I don’t hear a sound.

  CINDERELLA. I can hear him fanning his face with his helmet. He has come in such a hurry. Nurse, you watch me being cruel to him.

  PROBATIONER. At him, Cinderella, at him!

  DANNY (flinging open the door). The Constabulary’s carriage stops the way.

  (Our POLICEMAN stalks in, wetting his lips as he does so.)

  PROBATIONER (giving him her hand). How do you do? You forget, I dare say, that I met you when you were here last; but I remember ‘our POLICEMAN.’

  (He is bashful.) There she is.

  (The wicked invalid is looking the other way.)

  POLICEMAN. A visitor to see you, Jane.

  CINDERELLA (without looking round). I thought it had a visitor’s sound. (She peeps at the PROBATIONER gleefully.)

  POLICEMAN (very wooden). You don’t ask who it is, Jane?