Complete Works of J. M. Barrie

by Unknown

  MRS. COADE. It is what we are!

  (Swiftly they find seats, and are sunk thereon like ladies waiting languidly for their lords when the doomed butler appears. He is a man of brawn, who could cast any one of them forth for a wager; but we are about to connive at the triumph of mind over matter.)

  ALICE (always at her best before “the bright face of danger”). Ah, Matey, I wish this telegram sent.

  MATEY (a general favourite). Very good, ma’am. The village post office closed at eight, but if your message is important —

  ALICE. It is; and you are so clever, Matey, I am sure that you can persuade them to oblige you.

  MATEY (taking the telegram). I will see to it myself, ma’am; you can depend on its going.

  (There comes a little gasp from COADY, which is the equivalent to dropping a stitch in needlework.)

  ALICE (who is THE DEARTH now). Thank you. Better read the telegram, Matey, to be sure that you can make it out. (MATEY reads it to himself, and he has never quite the same faith in woman again. THE DEARTH continues in a purring voice.) Read it aloud, Matey.

  MATEY. Oh, ma’am!

  ALICE (without the purr). Aloud.

  (Thus encouraged he reads the fatal missive.)

  MATEY. ‘To Police Station, Great Cumney. Send officer first thing tomorrow morning to arrest Matey, butler, for theft of rings.’

  ALICE. Yes, that is quite right.

  MATEY. Ma’am! (But seeing that she has taken up a book, he turns to LADY CAROLINE.) My lady!

  LADY CAROLINE (whose voice strikes colder than THE DEARTH’S). Should we not say how many wings?

  ALICE. Yes, put in the number of rings, Matey.

  (MATEY does not put in the number, but he produces three rings from unostentatious parts of his person and returns them without noticeable dignity to their various owners.)

  MATEY (hopeful that the incident is now closed). May I tear up the telegram, ma’am?

  ALICE. Certainly not.

  LADY CAROLINE. I always said that this man was the culpwit. I am nevaw mistaken in faces, and I see bwoad awwows all over youws, Matey.

  (He might reply that he sees w’s all over hers, but it is no moment for repartee.)

  MATEY. It is deeply regretted.

  ALICE (darkly). I am sure it is.

  JOANNA (who has seldom remained silent for so long). We may as well tell him now that it is not our rings we are worrying about. They have just been a means to an end, Matey.

  (The stir among the ladies shows that they have arrived at the more interesting point.)

  ALICE. Precisely. In other words that telegram is sent unless —

  (MATEY’S head rises.)

  JOANNA. Unless you can tell us instantly whet peculiarity it is that all we ladies have in common.

  MABEL. Not only the ladies; all the guests in this house.

  ALICE. We have been here a week, and we find that when Lob invited us he knew us all so little that we begin to wonder why he asked us. And now from words he has let drop we know that we were invited because of something he thinks we have in common.

  MABEL. But he won’t say what it is.

  LADY CAROLINE (drawing back a little from JOANNA). One knows that no people could be more unlike.

  JOANNA (thankfully). One does.

  MRS. COADE. And we can’t sleep at night, Matey, for wondering what this something is.

  JOANNA (summing up). But we are sure you know, and it you don’t tell us — quod.

  MATEY (with growing uneasiness). I don’t know what you mean, ladies.

  ALICE. Oh yes, you do.

  MRS. COADE You must admit that your master is a very strange person.

  MATEY (wriggling). He is a little odd, ma’am. That is why every one calls him Lob; not Mr. Lob.

  JOANNA. He is so odd that it has got on my nerves that we have been invited here for some sort of horrid experiment. (MATEY shivers.) You look as if you thought so too!

  MATEY. Oh no, miss, I — he — (The words he would keep back elude him). You shouldn’t have come, ladies; you didn’t ought to have come.

  (For the moment he is sorrier for them than for himself.)

  LADY CAROLINE. (Shouldn’t have come). Now, my man, what do you mean by that?

  MATEY. Nothing, my lady: I — I just mean, why did you come if you are the kind he thinks?

  MABEL. The kind he thinks?

  ALICE. What kind does he think? Now we are getting at it.

  MATEY (guardedly). I haven’t a notion, ma’am.

  LADY CAROLINE (whose w’s must henceforth be supplied by the judicious reader). Then it is not necessarily our virtue that makes Lob interested in us?

  MATEY (thoughtlessly). No, my lady; oh no, my lady. (This makes an unfavourable impression.)

  MRS. COADE. And yet, you know, he is rather lovable.

  MATEY (carried away). He is, ma’am, He is the most lovable old devil — I beg pardon, ma’am.

  JOANNA. You scarcely need to, for in a way it is true. I have seen him out there among his flowers, petting them, talking to them, coaxing them till they simply had to grow.

  ALICE (making use perhaps of the wrong adjective). It is certainly a divine garden.

  (They all look at the unblinking enemy.)

  MRS. COADE (not more deceived than the others). How lovely it is in the moonlight. Roses, roses, all the way. (Dreamily.) It is like a hat I once had when I was young.

  ALICE. Lob is such an amazing gardener that I believe he could even grow hats.

  LADY CAROLINE (who will catch it for this). He is a wonderful gardener; but is that quite nice at his age? What is his age, man?

  MATEY (shuffling). He won’t tell, my lady. I think he is frightened that the police would step in if they knew how old he is. They do say in the village that they remember him seventy years ago, looking just as he does to-day.

  ALICE. Absurd.

  MATEY. Yes, ma’am; but there are his razors.

  LADY CAROLINE. Razors?

  MATEY. You won’t know about razors, my lady, not being married — as yet — excuse me. But a married lady can tell a man’s age by the number of his razors. (A little scared.) If you saw his razors — there is a little world of them, from patents of the present day back to implements so horrible, you can picture him with them in his hand scraping his way through the ages.

  LADY CAROLINE. You amuse one to an extent. Was he ever married?

  MATEY (too lightly). He has quite forgotten, my lady. (Reflecting.) How long ago is it since Merry England?

  LADY CAROLINE. Why do you ask?

  MABEL. In Queen Elizabeth’s time, wasn’t it?

  MATEY. He says he is all that is left of Merry England: that little man.

  MABEL (who has brothers). Lob? I think there is a famous cricketer called Lob.

  MRS. COADE. Wasn’t there a Lob in Shakespeare? No, of course I am thinking of Robin Goodfellow.

  LADY CAROLINE. The names are so alike.

  JOANNA. Robin Goodfellow was Puck.

  MRS. COADE (with natural elation). That is what was in my head. Lob was another name for Puck.

  JOANNA. Well, he is certainly rather like what Puck might have grown into if he had forgotten to die. And, by the way, I remember now he does call his flowers by the old Elizabethan names.

  MATEY. He always calls the Nightingale Philomel, miss — if that is any help.

  ALICE (who is not omniscient). None whatever. Tell me this, did he specially ask you all for Midsummer week?

  (They assent.)

  MATEY (who might more judiciously have remained silent). He would!

  MRS. COADE. Now what do you mean?

  MATEY. He always likes them to be here on Midsummer night, ma’am.

  ALICE. Them? Whom?

  MATEY. Them who have that in common.

  MABEL. What can it be?

  MATEY. I don’t know.

  LADY CAROLINE (suddenly introspective). I hope we are all nice women? We don’t know each other very well. (Certain suspicio
ns are reborn in various breasts.) Does anything startling happen at those times?

  MATEY. I don’t know.

  JOANNA. Why, I believe this is Midsummer Eve!

  MATEY. Yes, miss, it is. The villagers know it. They are all inside their houses, tonight — with the doors barred.

  LADY CAROLINE. Because of — of him?

  MATEY. He frightens them. There are stories.

  ALICE. What alarms them? Tell us — or — (She brandishes the telegram.)

  MATEY. I know nothing for certain, ma’am. I have never done it myself. He has wanted me to, but I wouldn’t.

  MABEL. Done what?

  MATEY (with fine appeal). Oh. ma’am, don’t ask me. Be merciful to me, ma’am. I am not bad naturally. It was just going into domestic service that did for me; the accident of being flung among bad companions. It’s touch and go how the poor turn out in this world; all depends on your taking the right or the wrong turning.

  MRS. COADE (the lenient). I daresay that is true.

  MATEY (under this touch of sun). When I was young, ma’am, I was offered a clerkship in the city. If I had taken it there wouldn’t be a more honest man alive to-day. I would give the world to be able to begin over again.

  (He means every word of it, though the flowers would here, if they dared, burst into ironical applause.)

  MRS. COADE. It is very sad, Mrs. Dearth.

  ALICE. I am sorry for him; but still —

  MATEY (his eyes turning to LADY CAROLINE). What do you say, my lady?

  LADY CAROLINE (briefly). As you ask me, I should certainly say jail.

  MATEY (desperately). If you will say no more about this, ma’am — I’ll give you a tip that is worth it.

  ALICE. Ah, now you are talking.

  LADY CAROLINE. Don’t listen to him.

  MATEY (lowering). You are the one that is hardest on me.

  LADY CAROLINE. Yes, I flatter myself I am.

  MATEY (forgetting himself). You might take a wrong turning yourself, my lady.

  LADY CAROLINE, I? How dare you, man.

  (But the flowers rather like him for this; it is possibly what gave them a certain idea.)

  JOANNA (near the keyhole of the dining-room door). The men are rising.

  ALICE (hurriedly). Very well, Matey, we agree — if the ‘tip’ is good enough.

  LADY CAROLINE. You will regret this.

  MATEY. I think not, my lady. It’s this: I wouldn’t go out tonight if he asks you. Go into the garden, if you like. The garden is all right. (He really believes this.) I wouldn’t go farther — not tonight.

  MRS. COADE. But he never proposes to us to go farther. Why should he tonight?

  MATEY. I don’t know, ma’am, but don’t any of you go — (devilishly) except you, my lady; I should like you to go.

  LADY CAROLINE. Fellow!

  (They consider this odd warning.)

  ALICE. Shall I? (They nod and she tears up the telegram.)

  MATEY (with a gulp). Thank you, ma’am.

  LADY CAROLINE. You should have sent that telegram off.

  JOANNA. You are sure you have told us all you know, Matey?

  MATEY. Yes, miss. (But at the door he is more generous.) Above all, ladies, I wouldn’t go into the wood.

  MABEL. The wood? Why, there is no wood within a dozen miles of here.

  MATEY. NO, ma’am. But all the same I wouldn’t go into it, ladies — not if I was you.

  (With this cryptic warning he leaves them, and any discussion of it is prevented by the arrival of their host. LOB is very small, and probably no one has ever looked so old except some newborn child. To such as watch him narrowly, as the ladies now do for the first time, he has the effect of seeming to be hollow, an attenuated piece of piping insufficiently inflated; one feels that if he were to strike against a solid object he might rebound feebly from it, which would be less disconcerting if he did not obviously know this and carefully avoid the furniture; he is so light that the subject must not be mentioned in his presence, but it is possible that, were the ladies to combine, they could blow him out of a chair. He enters portentously, his hands behind his back, as if every bit of him, from his domed head to his little feet, were the physical expressions of the deep thoughts within him, then suddenly he whirls round to make his guests jump. This amuses him vastly, and he regains his gravity with difficulty. He addresses MRS. COADE.)

  LOB. Standing, dear lady? Pray be seated.

  (He finds a chair for her and pulls it away as she is about to sit, or kindly pretends to be about to do so, for he has had this quaint conceit every evening since she arrived.)

  MRS. COADE (who loves children). You naughty!

  LOB (eagerly). It is quite a flirtation, isn’t it?

  (He rolls on a chair, kicking out his legs in an ecstasy of satisfaction. But the ladies are not certain that he is the little innocent they have hitherto thought him. The advent of MR. COADE and MR. PURDIE presently adds to their misgivings. MR. COADE is old, a sweet pippin of a man with a gentle smile for all; he must have suffered much, you conclude incorrectly, to acquire that tolerant smile. Sometimes, as when he sees other people at work, a wistful look takes the place of the smile, and MR. COADE fidgets like one who would be elsewhere. Then there rises before his eyes the room called the study in his house, whose walls are lined with boxes marked A. B. C. to Z. and A2. B2. C2. to K2. These contain dusty notes for his great work on the Feudal System, the notes many years old, the work, strictly speaking, not yet begun. He still speaks at times of finishing it but never of beginning it. He knows that in more favourable circumstances, for instance if he had been a poor man instead of pleasantly well to do, he could have flung himself avidly into that noble undertaking; but he does not allow his secret sorrow to embitter him or darken the house. Quickly the vision passes, and he is again his bright self. Idleness, he says in his game way, has its recompenses. It is charming now to see how he at once crosses to his wife, solicitous for her comfort. He is bearing down on her with a footstool when MR. PURDIE comes from the dining-room. He is the most brilliant of our company, recently notable in debate at Oxford, where he was runner-up for the presidentship of the Union and only lost it because the other man was less brilliant. Since then he has gone to the bar on Monday, married on Tuesday and had a brief on Wednesday. Beneath his brilliance, and making charming company for himself, he is aware of intellectual powers beyond his years. As we are about to see, he has made one mistake in his life which he is bravely facing.)

  ALICE. Is my husband still sampling the port, Mr. Purdie?

  PURDIE (with a disarming smile for the absent DEARTH). Do you know, I believe he is. Do the ladies like our proposal, Coade?

  COADE. I have not told them of it yet. The fact is, I am afraid that it might tire my wife too much. Do you feel equal to a little exertion tonight, Coady, or is your foot troubling you?

  MRS. COADE (the kind creature). I have been resting it, Coady.

  COADE (propping it on the footstool). There! Is that more comfortable? Presently, dear, if you are agreeable we are all going out for a walk.

  MRS. COADE (quoting MATEY). The garden is all right.

  PURDIE (with jocular solemnity). Ah, but it is not to be the garden. We are going farther afield. We have an adventure for tonight. Get thick shoes and a wrap, Mrs. Dearth; all of you.

  LADY CAROLINE (with but languid interest). Where do you propose to take us?

  PURDIE. To find a mysterious wood. (With the word ‘wood’ the ladies are blown upright. Their eyes turn to LOB, who, however, has never looked more innocent).

  JOANNE. Are you being funny, Mr. Purdie? You know quite well that there are not any trees for miles around. You have said yourself that it is the one blot on the landscape.

  COADE (almost as great a humorist as PURDIE). Ah, on ordinary occasions! But allow us to point out to you, Miss Joanna, that this is Midsummer Eve.

  (LOB again comes sharply under female observation.)

  PURDIE. Tell them what you told us, Lo
b.

  LOB (with a pout for the credulous). It is all nonsense, of course; just foolish talk of the villagers. They say that on Midsummer Eve there is a strange wood in this part of the country.

  ALICE (lowering). Where?