Tomb Raider Emeritus: An Urban Fantasy Action Adventure (I Fear No Evil Book 6)

by Martha Carr

  She fell to the ground trying to reach the potion in her belt, but her hand wouldn’t move.

  Fuck. At least I took down that bitch. Sorry, James.

  Lily ripped the potion out of her belt pouch. “Just stay with me, Shay.” She uncorked the potion.

  “Glad I could help you get revenge for your dad, Lily.”

  “Screw that, just stay with me.” Lily poured the potion down her throat.

  Shay smiled as the darkness took her.

  Shay didn’t awaken to a boring angeltopia or a fiery inferno. She blinked her eyes, trying to take in where she was. Soft leather seats, the back of a car. They were moving.

  Someone was talking. Lily?

  “Yes. She’s okay. We’re getting a ride back to the airport. Yeah. Yeah. No one blames you for not being able to stop weird magical interference. Talk to you later.”

  “Was that the Pizza King?” Shay asked. She was still unsure how much Daniel had figured out about her and didn’t see any reason to give him free information. A CIA agent of all people could understand the need for code names.

  Lily looked over her shoulder. “Oh, you’re awake. Yeah, that was him. He was freaking.”

  “I’m not dead?”

  Daniel chuckled from the driver’s seat. “Not yet.”

  Shay shook her head. “Yulia?”

  “Oh, now, she’s dead. Very dead. Nice job, by the way. She’s killed more than a few people who work for the Company.”

  “And what about the artifact?”

  Daniel reached into his pocket and pulled out a small stone. Shay couldn’t read it, but she recognized the style of the writing. It was extraterrestrial, the same kind as the other stones she’d either examined or had images of.

  “It’s not an artifact,” the CIA agent explained. “At least not in the magical sense.”

  “You’re not gonna let me keep that, are you?”

  Daniel shook his head. “I will let you take pictures of it, though. Consider it a bonus for taking down Snegurka.”

  Shay snorted. “Pictures aren’t worth thirty million dollars.”

  “You know what they say—money isn’t everything.” He grinned. “I do apologize, though.”

  “Nah, you saved our lives. That means something.” Shay stared down at the alien stone. The Fixer had said the magical underworld was in an uproar, but why would any of them, let alone, Yulia, be obsessed with recovering an alien stone?

  20

  That evening after dropping off her gear at Warehouse Three, Shay headed immediately to Prophecy Affiliates, hoping they were still open. She could never tell, given they didn’t post any business hours.

  Madge acts like the gnome’s so busy, but I never see anyone else here when I come.

  The pixie sat in her little chair again reading a ridiculously tiny magazine. Shay wasn’t sure if the size of the magazine or the fact that anyone still was reading paper magazines this far into the twenty-first century bothered her more.

  Madge looked up at Shay entered. “You’re not dead. Congratulations.”

  “Thanks. I try.” Shay shrugged. “Is he here?”

  “Maybe.”

  The tomb raider groaned. “Maybe? Look, it’s been a really long day, and I almost died a couple of times, so…work with me, just a little.”

  Madge set her magazine down. “No, first I need a little fee.”

  “Fee?” Shay narrowed her eyes.

  The pixie grinned. “Tell me if my joke is funny by human standards.”

  Shay shrugged. “Okay, whatever. Go for it."

  Madge floated right in front of Shay with a serious look on her face. “What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?”

  The tomb raider shrugged. “I don’t know. What?”

  “You can unscrew a lightbulb.”

  Shay chuckled despite the fact that a pixie was stalling her with dirty jokes. “That’s halfway decent.”

  “Okay, one more.” Madge held up a finger. “A husband and wife were talking at dinner. The husband asks the wife, ‘How come you never tell me when you orgasm?’ Do you know what the wife told him?”

  “No. What?”

  “I don’t like calling you at work.”

  Shay snickered. “Okay, you’ve got a couple of decent jokes there, if you’re planning to switch to stand-up comedy, but I really need to see the gnome now.”

  Madge gave Shay a predatory grin. Seeing it on such a small creature only made it more unnerving.

  “Tell me a dirty joke, then. You don’t need to know why I’m collecting them, but I am.” She crossed her arms.

  Shay rolled her eyes. “What the fuck? Have you been hanging around Smite-Williams?”

  The tomb raider had called the Professor on her way to the mall to explain what had happened. He seemed more amused than annoyed. He wasn’t willing to pay Shay thirty million for an object the CIA now had, but he did pay her a few million for her services rendered. She’d at least kept the object out of the hands of an evil witch.

  Ah, Miz Carson. Another alien stone? Interesting. It seems the secret is spreading farther than anyone would know. Soon, I suspect, it won’t be so secret.

  “Who is Smite-Williams?” Madge asked, bringing Shay back to her immediate situation.

  “A dirty old man I know.” She sighed and rubbed the back of her neck, trying to think of a good joke. “Okay, why don’t witches wear underwear?”

  Madge shrugged. “I don’t know why.”

  “To get a better grip on their brooms.”

  The pixie shook her head. “I don’t get it.”

  Shay smirked. “Trust me, it’s funny. Now, can I see the gnome already?”

  “Keep your shirt on.” Madge fluttered over the door in the back and knocked.

  Shay wondered if Tubal-Cain could even hear it.

  The door opened a moment later, and the gnome yawned.

  “Napping again?”

  He shrugged. “My work is very tiring.” He nodded to the room. “Let’s talk about whatever has you in such a rush. Of course, humans are always in a rush.”

  Shay stepped inside the back room, which was far different than the last time she’d been in it, and not just because it was larger than the entire main room. A gnome-sized recliner sat in the corner of a maroon-carpeted room. A crystal chandelier floated in the center with no visible means of support. In addition, several gray settees lay scattered about the room.

  Does he sit around with a bunch of gnomes drinking bourbon on weekends?

  “I’m still working on your little seeing project, Miz Carson,” the gnome explained. “And that isn’t something you can hurry.”

  “That’s not why I’m here. I need another favor. Well, not a favor. I’ll pay or grab whatever you need to make this happen.”

  “I’ll take a favor as a payment.” The gnome looked Shay up and down. “And what is it that you need?”

  “A way to protect someone I love in case, in this case someone I love who has a habit of ending up in dangerous situations.”

  An exasperated look spread over the gnome’s face. “You’re talking about James Brownstone?”

  Shay nodded. Even though they’d won against Yulia with Daniel’s help, the woman’s threat still echoed in the tomb raider’s mind.

  James was great when he saw the enemy coming, but in the course of her tomb raiding, Shay had run into countless beings who might be able to surprise him. Could even the great James Brownstone deal with an invisible army if they went after him? A Rusalka? No, if her work might put him in danger, then it was her responsibility to make sure that he was safe.

  Tubal-Cain snorted. “I really thought you were smarter than this.”

  “What the hell are you talking about? Smarter than what?”

  “Love?” He clucked his tongue. “You’ve fallen for the most dangerous weapon on any world, love with a little hootchie-cootchie on the side. Maybe even the main dish.” The gnome gave her a little nudge. “Seriously?”<
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  Shay snorted. “I don’t need lessons on how to be a better, smarter human from a gnome.”

  He smirked. “Wisdom is wisdom, regardless of species.”

  “I just need a way to keep him safe. He’s got toys of his own, but I don’t trust them, and they aren’t automatic. He could get surprised tomorrow.”

  “There’s no way to keep someone you love safe forever.” Tubal-Cain hopped into his recliner with a smile and folded his hands on his lap.

  Shay stood in front of the settee. “But there’s a way to keep him safe?”

  Tubal-Cain shrugged. "I mean, I have a few things that can put someone in amber or a deep sleep. I call that one ‘the Sleeping Beauty.’ That witch and her loom were no joke.”

  “How is that keeping them safe?”

  “Well, it’s not keeping them safe as much as preserving them, and that’s my point. When you love someone, those kinds of ideas have to come off the table. Have to play nice. You want your loved one out in the world.” He punctuated his rant by throwing his short arms as wide as he could manage. “And that complicates things.”

  A deep voice sounded from an unseen scratchy intercom. “You’re in trouble, girl. Love fucks everything up,” Madge offered. “Makes it all unpredictable.”

  Shay slapped her hands on her hips, frowning at Tubal-Cain and waiting for him to take her request seriously.

  “Shall I start singing Andrew Lloyd Webber?” the gnome asked with a grin. “About love and it changing things?”

  The tomb raider shot a glare at him. “If you can’t give me something to make sure James is safe, then give me something to make sure I can really fuck with the other guy. Best defense is a good offense and all that.”

  Tubal-Cain chuckled. “Ah, well, now that I can do. Just remember all the warnings I’ve given you about magical artifacts?”

  “If I turn into a bird saving James, big fucking deal.”

  “Very well, then. Follow me.” He waved his arms. “Squint.”

  “Huh?”

  “Squint.” The gnome nodded toward a wall. “That way.”

  Shay turned her head and squinted, and a doorway appeared. She blinked.

  “You’re letting me into your inner sanctum?” She eyed the gnome, surprised at the risk he was taking.

  Tubal-Cain let out a sharp laugh and shook his head. “Inner sanctum? Hardly. This is just the overflow. Don’t get too excited.” He moved to the door and opened it.

  Shay stepped inside. Piles upon piles of boxes, bags, and sacks of every material and design filled the large chamber. The lounge she’d just been in appeared to be larger than the main shop, and this room was larger than both of them put together.

  “Is this on Earth?” Shay asked.

  The gnome snorted as he started burrowing through a pile of boxes. “Do you honestly expect me to answer that?”

  The tomb raider shrugged. “It was worth a try.”

  Tubal-Cain started throwing boxes over his shoulder. “Where was it…or did I sell it to that annoying elf?” He pulled out a small black metal box. He shook it, and something light bounced against the thin walls. “Here we go.” He nodded to himself, a satisfied look on his face.

  Shay eyed the box. “What’s in there?”

  He walked over to Shay and raised the hinged lid. A large jeweled scarab was in the box.

  “What was with the shaking? Weren’t you worried about damaging it?”

  “Oh, no. It’s far more important to make sure it’s in a resting state. It’s a real bitch when it’s not, and the box gets opened.”

  Shay eyed the scarab. “Wait, this isn’t just an artifact, then?”

  Tubal-Cain gave her a wide grin. “Oh, no. This isn’t a beetle, but it’s still very much alive, and very, very hungry. This little fellow can chew through pretty much anything, and I mean anything, including magical shields. It’s also very, very tough. It was created here on Earth, in your ancient Egypt, with the aid of Atlantean magic.” His smile disappeared. “A question remains whether it was supposed to be used as a tool for waste management or something far darker, but given how the Atlanteans were, I’d suspect the latter.”

  She nodded slowly. “Okay, so it’s a super-beetle that can eat anything. How do I…control it?”

  “I’ll write down the incantation for you phonetically. I suspect you don’t speak Old Egyptian.”

  “Nope. Somehow I missed that in school.”

  Tubal-Cain let out a dark chuckle. “It’s easy otherwise. Shake the box to make sure it’s not active. If it is, you’ll hear it in there scurrying about. If that’s the case, you’ll have to wait for at least a half-hour.”

  “So it can eat through anything but not that box?”

  “Everything in the world has a weakness, but be aware that the box isn’t that impressive. It can be easily damaged by anything other than the beetle.” The gnome closed the lid and handed the box to her.

  Shay shook the box but didn’t hear any scurrying. “Okay, shake it. Wake it up with the incantation. Anything else?”

  “You must see the target in your head as you use the incantation. This is where things get dangerous. You must be very specific and focused when invoking the scarab, or you’ll send it after the wrong target. If you’ve done everything properly, it’ll consume the target but nothing else.”

  She frowned. “And if I screw up?”

  “Well, let’s just say I recommend you only use this scarab once, and only when everything else has failed.”

  Shay stared at the box. “This sounds pretty dangerous. You sure you want to give it to me?”

  “No, but I will.” The gnome smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Good luck, Miz Carson. I pray that you never need the scarab. And you owe me one large favor.”

  21

  Shay smiled, her arm around James’ waist as they stood near Peyton’s oven in Warehouse Two. They had just gotten through the introductions, since this was the first time Lily and Brownstone had actually met. Now Lily and Alison leaned against a table, chatting.

  “We’ve been talking about moving out of the tunnels,” Lily explained. “Especially since I have a lot of money now. We’ll maybe get some decent work set up for the rest of the tunnel kids; you know, like information broker stuff. They could work on that while I’m doing tomb raiding. Harry’s already been trying to make it happen, but a little money and a permanent place to live would help, I think.”

  James chuckled. “Maybe Tyler could use some subcontractors.”

  Shay nodded. “I’d feel a lot better if you weren’t living in tunnels. Look, you’ve seen the kind of money tomb raiding brings in. Even if we didn’t get the big score in Montana, you still got a nice cut of the money the Professor paid me. You’re not some poor urchin who needs to steal to survive anymore. I get that it can take money to get established, but you have that now, more than enough, and Montana’s not going to be the last job.”

  Alison smiled at Lily. “Before I went to the School of Necessary Magic, I didn’t think about magic other than my sight. Now I can do all sorts of spells. Maybe if you get established, you know, above ground, you all could look into enrolling at the school.”

  Lily nodded slowly. “I’ll have to mention it to Harry.”

  “Pizza is beyond cooking,” Peyton began. He was strutting around in an apron and a tall chef’s hat. “Pizza is a combination of conventional cooking and baking, which really means that it’s chemistry. A master pizza chef is a master chemist. No, an alchemist!”

  Shay chuckled. James just watched, his attention riveted. He might be more of a barbeque man, but cooking was one of the few things besides ass-kicking he actually cared about.

  Peyton knelt by the oven. “Timing is everything. The proper amount of heat for the proper amount of time. That subtle transfer of energy and how it transforms all the individual ingredients.” He took a deep breath. “Even the smallest timing mistake, a little too early or a little too late, throws it all off.”

>   James’ stomach rumbled. “Not telling you to rush your shit, but are we ever gonna eat?”

  Lily and Alison nodded their agreement.

  “You don’t rush a masterpiece,” Peyton intoned, holding up his hand. “It’s almost ready. Just give me a moment. Almost there. Almost there.” He grinned. “It’s ready.”

  He grabbed his pizza paddle and opened the oven, stuck the paddle under the pizza, and carefully lifted it out of the oven. “Behold, the ultimate in pepperoni pizza, using only the finest ingredients. No magic has been used, ladies and gentlemen, only pure skill to bring you this treasure.”

  Shay smiled. She’d noticed a slight change in Peyton in the last couple of weeks. She’d worried that he’d spent too much time mourning his scumbag brother, but after the surprise of the first few days, the goofy man seemed more relaxed. He might not be ready or even all that interested in reestablishing contact with the rest of his family, but, much like Shay, he finally seemed ready to move on with the rest of his life.

  I know what it’s like to have a death threat constantly hanging over your head. You can’t really live if you think you’re gonna die any day.

  James pulled away from her to inspect the pizza, scratching his chin.

  “Maybe we can get you doing pizza and not just barbeque,” Shay suggested.

  The bounty hunter grunted and shook his head. “I haven’t even mastered barbeque yet. Adding something else would just be annoying.”

  Peyton grinned. “Then I shall remain the Pizza King forever.”

  Alison smirked. “Your Highness, we peasants are starving.”

  “Of course, of course. As a royal, I understand all too well the concept of noblesse oblige. One moment.” He turned.

  A fast-moving mass of orange fur charged toward him, yowling. Osiris ran through his legs, and Peyton stumbled. The pizza was jolted into the air. The hacker recovered his footing and spun with the paddle, catching the pizza an inch or two before it hit the ground.

  He let out a sigh of relief. “That was too damned close.”

  Lily shrugged. “I say we order in. Didn’t you tell me there’s some sort of evil delivery company?”