Cheesie Mack Is Cool in a Duel

by Steve Cotler

  “First I prepare the projectile.” I tore off about twenty squares, wadded them up, and dunked my hand into a bucket of water.

  From the audience Lenny yelled, “Wind-WHOOP! Wind-WHOOP!” and others joined in. I held up my dripping hand. The Wind-WHOOPs continued in a whisper.

  “Next I mold this dangerous material into a ball … squeeze out the excess moisture … and insert the ball into the barrel using this special device”—I picked up a toilet plunger and pushed the wad down the tube with the stick end—“to position the projectile at the bottom of the barrel.”

  The audience quieted in anticipation.

  “Ee-Gorg, please take your position.”

  Georgie grunted, “Yes, master,” and shambled over to the far side of the stage.

  “Now I set the Power Escape Valve to the ready position.” I flipped a lever in the pipe assembly.

  “Then”—I pointed at Aunt Lois’s toilet-on-the-wall sculpture—“I aim.”

  The crowd looked where I was pointing and went crazy!

  I leaned over, examined the tubing, and pretended to move it slightly (we had already aimed and tested it). I raised both my arms, and the audience immediately went silent.

  “Fire!”

  Ee-Gorg ran toward the JAMPAC, leaped high, and slammed both feet down onto the air mattress. The toilet-paper ball popped out of the barrel, flew high in the air, and plopped right into the toilet bowl!

  The whistling, screaming, and applause continued for a full minute. The talent show was over. Kids flocked onto the stage to see the JAMPAC up close. I was laughing and jumping.

  Lindermann stood in the audience and gave me a smile and a salute. I saluted back. JAMPAC was a huge success.

  The Siege of Barnswall Sloo

  Wave after wave of warriors had been pushed back by the villains who had shot arrows and thrown stones from atop the high walls of the castle. Although the force of men who called themselves Big Eyes was mighty, their attack on Barnswall Sloo had thus far failed. The castle was too strong.

  As the sun rose high, brave knights Sir Cam and Sir Fonkiss addressed the Big Eyes.

  Spake Sir Cam, “I was once inside yon castle. They have water aplenty. We shall fail at waiting for them to surrender.”

  “Sir Cam speaks the truth,” spake Sir Fonkiss. “Our siege demands new weaponry. Look!”

  Up the hill strode Prince Lynder, ruler of the Big Eyes. Behind him, pulled by many oxen, rolled a gigantic cart, covered with blue cloth.

  Once the cart was positioned, Prince Lynder commanded the Big Eyes to remove the covering. Beneath it, shining white in the midday sun, rested a powerful siege engine, a device that could hurl balls of molten destruction into Barnswall Sloo.

  The knights cheered!

  Soon the castle would fall.

  *

  I like stories of knights and battles, so I took my imagination back in time and turned Lindermann’s JAMPAC into Prince Lynder’s siege engine.

  You probably guessed, but just in case, I am Sir Cam and Georgie is Sir Fonkiss. I reversed our last names, kind of.

  And the Big Eyes are the Big Guys. Duh.

  I turned Aunt Lois’s wall toilet sculpture into a castle, but it was hard to name it. So I asked my mom, and she gave me a whole bunch of strange names for toilets (lav, john, WC, can, commode, head, privy, etc.). But once she told me that in England a toilet is sometimes called a loo, then it was easy. The toilet on the wall of the Barn became Barnswall Sloo.

  Oh, and this is Chapter X+ because I think they used Roman numerals when knights did sieges.

  I’d have to do a lot more reading about the Middle Ages, but maybe someday I’ll write a book about knights.

  Shorts, Snakes, and Sneaking

  After the talent show, it took a long time for the guys in Cabin H to settle down and get into bed. Everyone was in a great mood. Kevin was juggling stuff, and some guys were trying to copy him. Others were begging Lindermann and me for a chance to try out the JAMPAC. Georgie, still dressed as Ee-Gorg, was shambling around, making insane noises. It would’ve been totally great except in the back of my thoughts, I was anxiously waiting to do the Cool Duel vote.

  I guess Sam was anxiously waiting, too. Because as soon as Lindermann disappeared into the bathroom, Sam whispered loudly, “Cool Duel vote. I’ll count it out. Ready … one, two, three.”

  The fists and hands went up. Alfie voted for me. Jimmy, who had been on my side on Day One but not since, came back. So did Ethan. Oddly, Danny switched back to Kevin. I thought Sam might vote this time, but he still abstained. The vote was 9–6 again.

  “I can’t believe you guys,” Kevin muttered.

  Back in my cove, I tallied the votes.

  COOL DUEL DAY SIX

  ME KEVIN

  Ty Atkins

  Alfie Bickelman

  Lloyd Case

  Jason Chelsea

  Tommy Grace

  Noah Keil

  Jimmy Kelly

  Cheesie Mack

  Zip Matthews

  Henry Miranda Sam Ramprakash

  Ethan Rhee

  Clark Rosellini

  Georgie Sinkoff

  Danny Stephens

  Kevin Welch

  So close! All I needed was for Danny to switch back to me and one more. Tomorrow was the last day. I needed to think of one last cool thing to do.

  Lindermann came out of the bathroom and flipped off the lights. “I’m going to the counselor meeting. I’ll be back later. Behave yourselves.”

  As soon as our squeaky screen door closed, I heard Kevin say, “Goodbye, Ron-Nerd Lindermann. I don’t even want a scary story tonight.”

  Of course he really does, I thought.

  And that was when I knew exactly what I was going to do! I’d make up the scariest story ever. I’d think up one that would be cool enough to get me the votes I needed to win.

  Scary stories need scary villains.

  Like what? I lay in bed thinking:

  1. My first idea was a headless horseman. But nah, I had already mentioned that.

  2. Headless made me think of my dad and his missing foot. How about a pirate with a peg leg? Nah, I’d rather have something almost believable, something that could actually happen in camp. And I’m pretty sure there are no pirates in central Maine.

  3. Instead of a peg leg, how about a villain with only one arm? Yeah! And it would not only happen in camp, the villain would be a camper.

  If I could scare my cabin mates, I’d definitely get lots of Cool Duel votes. But it had to be a complete surprise. I wouldn’t even tell my best friend.

  I lay in my cove thinking up a One-Armed Man story. I’m sure I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

  In the morning, after Uncle Bud announced “shorties all around” over the loudspeaker, I got Lindermann alone, told him my plan, and asked if he’d help me with it that evening. He loved it.

  Then I overheard this conversation at the flagpole:

  Kevin: But you and I have been friends forever.

  Alfie: So?

  Kevin: So why’d you vote for Cheesie?

  Alfie: His JAMPAC machine was very cool.

  Kevin: You can’t do that.

  Alfie: Sure I can. It’s a free country.

  Jimmy: Lay off him, Kevin. What you’re doing is definitely not cool.

  At breakfast Kevin was unusually quiet. I figured he was getting nervous about the Cool Duel vote. He didn’t participate in any of the usual conversations. But at lunch he and Ty were whispering a lot. I was pretty sure the Cool Duel was about to heat up.

  I was right.

  Our afternoon activity was flag football. This was the first time we’d had it. If you’ve never played, it’s just like touch football except every player has a flag (a rectangle of colored cloth like a handkerchief) tucked in his waistband. You “tackle” a player by grabbing his flag and holding it up. This is usually a fun game for me because of my speediness, and my really good mood got even gooder (not a real w
ord, but you know what I mean) when Barry, the counselor in charge of flag football, named Ty and me as captains.

  As a Little Guy, I used to be captain lots of times. This was a first for me as a Big Guy. Ty and I did rock-paper-scissors to see who’d go first, and I won. I chose Danny. He is an excellent passer.

  Georgie gave me a strange look, like Hey! I’m your best friend. But I had a plan. I knew Ty hated Georgie almost as much as he hated me, so he’d never choose him, and I was trying to get guys on my team who were important to me in the Cool Duel vote.

  Ty chose Kevin. Big surprise.

  Now I was glad I’d tallied up the votes every night. I remembered that Lloyd, Jason, Tommy, Noah, Henry, and Clark had never voted for me once. Those were the boys I wanted on my team. And Georgie.

  I chose four of them (Ty grabbed Noah) until only Clark, Georgie, Sam, and Zip were left. I picked Clark and was totally shocked when Ty chose Georgie. Georgie gave me a see-what-happens look. I chose Sam and felt sorry for Zip since if anyone else but me had been captain, I’d’ve been chosen last instead of him.

  We huddled up.

  “Danny, you’re quarterback,” I said. “Who wants to hike?”

  Clark raised his hand.

  “Okay. Your call, Danny—what’s the play?”

  At first it was fun. The teams were pretty even, and we were ahead 21–14 when I faked left, cut right, and Danny tossed the football over Jimmy (he was guarding me) right into my hands. I had only Kevin to dodge. There was no one else between me and the goal line. I tried the fake again, but Kevin didn’t fall for it. He reached and grabbed my shorts. An instant later they were around my knees, tripping me to the ground. Kevin picked up my flag and held it high.

  Everyone laughed.

  I wasn’t certain he did it on purpose, so I laughed, too.

  Two plays later, I caught the ball again, and this time Ty pulled my shorts down.

  “My mistake,” Ty said. “But I did get your flag.” He picked it off the ground and held it up.

  I might’ve been okay with this if at least one other boy got pantsed. Then it would’ve been a joke … or a new way to play flag football. But for the next forty minutes it was only me. After the fourth time, Georgie had had it.

  “Come on, guys,” Georgie said to Kevin and Ty. “Let’s play football, not goofball!”

  They ignored him, and there really wasn’t much more he could do because he was on their team.

  I pulled up my shorts. The score was 35–35. Barry, the counselor in charge, had been lying on the grass not paying attention throughout the game. Now he lifted his face out of his car magazine and called out, “Wrap it up! Next touchdown wins.”

  The ball was at midfield. We huddled up. Danny called the play: a fake to me and a pass to Jason on the other side.

  “Hold on, Danny,” I said. “I’ve got an idea.”

  With my butt facing the huddle so the other team couldn’t see, I pulled my flag out of my waistband and tucked it under the elastic of my underwear.

  “When they try to pull down—”

  “Perfect!” Danny said. “Great idea. Okay, fake to Jason left. Pass to Cheesie right. On three.”

  We lined up. Clark bent over the ball.

  “Hut! Hut! Hut!” Danny shouted.

  Clark hiked the ball. I took off. Danny faded back, looking to the left at Jason streaking toward the goal line. He faked a throw to him, then turned toward me and threw a bullet. I was running at an angle toward the sideline and cut back to the middle just in time to grab the pass. Kevin was on me in a flash. He grabbed my shorts. At the exact instant he pulled down, I stopped and jumped straight up.

  Right out of my shorts!

  My flag, still tucked in my undies, waved behind me as I sprinted for a touchdown.

  I turned around to see my teammates jumping up and down and Georgie rolling on the ground laughing. We won, 42–35.

  It wasn’t a complete victory because just then the loudspeaker sounded wash-up-for-lunch, and Kevin retaliated (fought back) by running to the nearest tree and flinging my shorts high up onto a branch.

  “You win!” he yelled as he trotted toward the cabins with the other boys.

  What a bad sport. I looked up. I had never climbed a tree in my underwear before.

  “You are totally going to win the Cool Duel now,” Georgie said.

  “You think so?” I replied, pulling myself up onto the lowest branch.

  “Definitely,” Georgie said. “I bet you get almost everybody’s vote tonight. What could be cooler than a tighty-whitey touchdown?”

  As I grabbed my shorts and started down, Georgie suddenly yelped, “Cheesie! Look!”

  At the base of a nearby tree was a nest of baby garter snakes. There must have been twenty.

  Neither of us is the least bit afraid of snakes, and anyway, garter snakes mostly don’t bite and aren’t exactly poisonous. Most snakes lay eggs, but garter snakes are born alive because the mother’s eggs hatch inside her body. (I learned a lot about garter snakes from Lindermann later in the summer. If you like or hate snakes, there’s more about them on my website.)

  “Oh, man!” Georgie said. “We’ve got to show these to the guys.”

  We squatted and watched them wriggle for a few seconds. Then I pulled on my shorts and Georgie took off his T-shirt. We scooped up about a dozen tiny critters and wrapped them in his shirt, rolling it so none could escape.

  Interesting fact: Snakes are not slimy.

  Just before we got to the cabins, Lindermann spotted us.

  “Hey, guys, I need your help dismantling the JAMPAC. I have to clear off the stage in the Barn.”

  “I’ll be right there,” Georgie said, opening our cabin door. “I gotta show the guys what we found.”

  Lindermann and I walked to the Barn.

  (Because I was with Lindermann, I did not actually witness the bad news that happened in our cabin. Therefore, from the stars below until you see the stars again, it’s Georgie doing the writing.)

  *

  Hi! I am Georgie Sinkoff writing this.

  First I have to say that it was not Cheesie’s fault. In fact, he didn’t even know anything about it.

  Here’s what happened.

  I went into our cabin with that bunch of baby snakes in my T-shirt. I was going to show them to everybody. But Kevin was in the bathroom and Ty was reading a comic book and not paying attention to me. So I instantly got one of my Great Ideas.

  I thought it was a Great Idea that would really help Cheesie in the Cool Duel.

  But my Great Idea turned out to be a Terrible Idea.

  Here’s what I did.

  I unrolled my T-shirt on Kevin’s bed.

  Then Kevin came out of the bathroom. He walked to his bunk. I thought he’d freak out when he saw the whole mess of snakes. I thought he’d do something really uncool like scream like a baby or something.

  But Kevin just stood there, looking right at the baby snakes.

  He did not freak out.

  He picked up a snake and put it over one ear. Then he picked up another snake and put it over his other ear. Then he took another snake and scrunched it between his lip and his nose like a wiggling mustache.

  Then he said, “All right, you guys. Which one of you jerks did this?”

  All the kids cheered and cheered.

  It was the coolest thing I will ever, in my whole life, see anyone do with snakes.

  I could tell Kevin would get lots of Cool Duel votes because of this.

  I told Cheesie I was really, really sorry.

  *

  “I’m really, really sorry,” Georgie said to me as we hurried to meet the girls before dinner.

  Georgie is my best friend, so of course I forgave him, but I was sure he was right. His Terrible Idea had definitely lost me votes.

  (When Goon found out, she bragged that Kevin loves snakes. He had one as a pet when he was ten, but when it escaped into his house and was never found, his grandmother got scared
and wouldn’t let him get another.)

  “What’re you going to do?” Georgie asked me.

  I didn’t answer. I couldn’t even tell my best friend about the One-Armed Man story.

  As we neared the dining hall, I began to think about Marci and Lana. I didn’t want to do the Hack anymore. I decided to tell them this would be the last one. But we were a few minutes too early, so Georgie and I waited, eating the last of the candy he’d gotten at the canteen after lunch. He held up a piece.

  “Everybody knows dud means something that doesn’t work. So why do they call these things Milk Duds?”

  I had no idea, but it took my mind off my problems for a while. (I’m going to contact the Milk Duds company and ask. If I get an answer, I’ll post it on my website. If I don’t, I’ll make one up.)

  The girls arrived, and I started to head into the kitchen, but Marci motioned for Lana to speak.

  “Um, okay,” she said. “This is weird, but lots of the other girls said what you and Georgie did at the dance was really funny. So maybe I shouldn’t have gotten so upset.”

  She paused like it was my turn to talk, but I didn’t have anything to say.

  “So,” Lana continued, “I’ll apologize for getting upset if you’ll apologize for embarrassing me.”

  That was easy. “Okay,” I said quickly. “I apologize.” I opened the door and went into the kitchen.

  Mookie and the other kitchen staff were moving around, doing last-minute dinner prep. Tonight was pizza. Georgie wanted to snag a slice, but it wasn’t ready.

  “Yo, Cheeseman, you back to recalibrate the dyna-troopy system whammy?”

  “Something like that,” I replied.

  Mookie wiped his hands on his apron. “Hey, Booth, watch that garlic bread for me, would ya?” He walked toward us. “So, why don’t you tell me what you kids are really up to?”

  “Huh?” I said.

  “Good afternoon, ladies. Good to see ya, Georgie.” He crossed his arms, sort of blocking our way to the computer room, and stared. “C’mon, talk to me straight. My cousin cued me in on your fake computer lingo.”

  We were busted. I looked at Marci.

  “Okay. It’s my brother, my twin brother.…”

  She retold the story, and Mookie listened and nodded sympathetically.

  “… and because of his broken leg, he couldn’t come to camp.”