Appleby And Honeybath

by Michael Innes

  Copyright & Information

  Appleby & Honeybath

  First published in 1983

  © Michael Innes Literary Management Ltd.; House of Stratus 1983-2010

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  The right of Michael Innes to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted.

  This edition published in 2010 by House of Stratus, an imprint of

  Stratus Books Ltd., Lisandra House, Fore Street, Looe,

  Cornwall, PL13 1AD, UK.

  Typeset by House of Stratus.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library and the Library of Congress.

  ISBN: 0755120752 EAN: 9780755120758

  This is a fictional work and all characters are drawn from the author’s imagination.

  Any resemblance or similarities to persons either living or dead are entirely coincidental.

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  About the Author

  Michael Innes is the pseudonym of John Innes Mackintosh Stewart, who was born in Edinburgh in 1906. His father was Director of Education and as was fitting the young Stewart attended Edinburgh Academy before going up to Oriel, Oxford where he obtained a first class degree in English.

  After a short interlude travelling with AJP Taylor in Austria, he embarked on an edition of Florio’s translation of Montaigne’s Essays and also took up a post teaching English at Leeds University.

  By 1935 he was married, Professor of English at the University of Adelaide in Australia, and had completed his first detective novel, Death at the President’s Lodging. This was an immediate success and part of a long running series centred on his character Inspector Appleby. A second novel, Hamlet Revenge, soon followed and overall he managed over fifty under the Innes banner during his career.

  After returning to the UK in 1946 he took up a post with Queen’s University, Belfast before finally settling as Tutor in English at Christ Church, Oxford. His writing continued and he published a series of novels under his own name, along with short stories and some major academic contributions, including a major section on modern writers for the Oxford History of English Literature.

  Whilst not wanting to leave his beloved Oxford permanently, he managed to fit in to his busy schedule a visiting Professorship at the University of Washington and was also honoured by other Universities in the UK.

  His wife Margaret, whom he had met and married whilst at Leeds in 1932, had practised medicine in Australia and later in Oxford, died in 1979. They had five children, one of whom (Angus) is also a writer. Stewart himself died in November 1994 in a nursing home in Surrey.

  1

  The affair may be said to have started, as Charles Honeybath’s adventures were apt to do, with his engaging to paint a portrait. But more exactly, it started when he found the body in the library. Whose body it was, and how it had come there, and why, and when: these were matters for some time to be much in doubt. But it may be stated at once that the library was the least frequented room in the house, and therefore of obvious convenience for unobtrusively storing a corpse. Honeybath himself had gone into the place only on an impulse so merely whimsical that he found it embarrassing to explain even to John Appleby, although the men were old friends.

  The portrait was to be of a certain Terence Grinton, a red-faced man in robust middle age, who described himself in Who’s Who as a landed proprietor, and for whom pursuing foxes over the length and breadth of two counties might fairly be described as a variety of religious experience. The portrait was being subscribed for by his fellow Nimrods and Jorrockses in recognition of the fact that for donkeys’ (or hunters’) ages he had sustained the role of MFH at considerable expense to himself.

  The subscribers, who had perhaps slightly old-fashioned ideas on what they might dictate to a Royal Academician, had stipulated that there should be no nonsense about the thing: old Terry must be in a pink coat and wearing his topper. Honeybath had agreed at once. The combination of hunting pink and sanguine complexion (which is common enough) was a problem that interested him.

  There had been some question of Terry being depicted as sitting, or standing beside, a horse. But Honeybath had made it clear that a horse is very expensive. A horse, in fact, is as expensive as a man, so the commission would have been virtually for two portraits. With a favourite groom thrown in it would be classifiable as a conversation piece, and so cost the earth. The subscribers didn’t feel up to that sort of a bill.

  Grinton seldom went to London, so attendance in the artist’s studio wasn’t on. Honeybath had therefore agreed to do most of the work while being put up at Grinton Hall as a guest. His first idea was to give this open air man a plein air setting; to have a blowy kind of world around him and the Hall itself in a middle distance. But Grinton felt that this would draw attention to the absence of a horse, and thus asperse the liberality of his friends, who had set up the project in the first place. So it had to be indoors, in one fashion or another.

  It was at this point that Honeybath, already staying at Grinton and becoming a shade impatient about the whole arrangement, began to amuse himself with bits of fun. He thought of a window embrasure, flanked by imposing pilasters, and improbably draped with enormous curtains, abundantly tasselled, and in whatever red-inclining-to-orange would be trickiest with that complexion and those togs. He discussed this rather technically with Lady Appleby, who was in some sort of cousinship with the Grintons and had insisted on taking her husband to a long weekend at Grinton. As Judith Appleby was a sculptor (only she still liked to say ‘sculptress’), she was not all that interested in colours and hues. But she liked talking to Honeybath.

  Then Honeybath had another idea. His last job had been providing a Cambridge college with a likeness of its Master, who was an eminent theologian. Very properly, Honeybath had posed this scholar in his study and against a background of calf-and-vellum-bound patristic learning rising from floor to ceiling. The books were all outsize folios, and bulky at that. They looked as if they had come into being at the hands of Johann Guttenberg in Mainz round about the middle of the fifteenth century and had been putting on weight ever since. To this towering burden of learning Honeybath had imparted a minute forward tilt, imperceptible in itself to other than a trained eye, but sufficient to create an uneasy impression that the Master was at some considerable risk of erudite entombment as he sat at his desk.

  Recalling this episode now, Honeybath also recalled having been told about the Grinton library. He hadn’t been invited to take a look at it, and it was his impression that it existed on the fringes of the G
rinton family mind as a slightly uncomfortable joke. According to Judith Appleby, scholarship had raised its incomprehensible head every now and then – perhaps every third or fourth generation – among the normally normal Grintons. There had been Thomas Sackville Grinton who, in the last years of the First Elizabeth, had assisted Philemon Holland in his translation of the Historia Naturalis of the Elder Pliny. There had been Jonathan Grinton, author of a book mysteriously entitled Divers Private Recreations, which was published in 1715 but of which no copy was known to be extant. Jonathan had both philosophic and literary friends, and was believed to have entertained at Grinton somebody referred to by Terence Grinton as ‘a little chappie called Pope’. And so on.

  Thus the library, considered as a collection of books, didn’t come quite to a stop until well into the Victorian period. But the ghost of the library (if the expression isn’t too strange a one) was somehow at large at Grinton. This was perhaps because Mr Grinton wasn’t merely of a philistine temperament and indifferent to books. He hated them, particularly if their authors had names like Pliny or Julius Caesar. He remembered the beaks at his public school, he used to say, trying to beat the bloody things into his backside. And enough had been enough. This may suggest that Terence Grinton must have been accounted disagreeable by civilized or cultivated persons. But it wasn’t so. His wife, Dolly Grinton, who had quite different ideas, often filled the house with acquaintances of lively (and sometimes eccentric) intellectual and artistic interests. And most of these quite took to the squire. (When they referred to their host thus, or even so addressed him, they thought of themselves as being mildly facetious. But this shade of implication never crossed Terence’s own mind.)

  No more than Charles Honeybath had any of these visitors, so far as was known, ever been invited to view the library. A housemaid did some dusting in it once a week, and every two or three years Terence Grinton, when the hunting season was over and he had taken his family briefly on holiday, arranged that this and other apartments should have a ‘go through’ at the hands of a firm of contractors. There were servants at Grinton, but nowadays they were intermittently in short supply.

  However, the corpse has already been waiting for us too long.

  What was prompting Honeybath when he came on it was, as has been said, a mere whim – little more than a velleity, to use a learned word. With that portrait of the Master of a College in his mind, there came to him the amusing idea of posing a Master of Fox Hounds, all dressed up for the chase, similarly before an imposing stack of his own bibliophilic possessions. The Cambridge portrait had yet to be exhibited at the Academy; it might be possible to persuade the hanging committee to find a place for Terence Grinton thus conceived not next to it, indeed, since that would be a trifle crude, but not too far away. A good deal of quiet mirth would be thus occasioned. Needless to say, this was all absolute nonsense. Even if Grinton could be persuaded to such a pose, which was extremely unlikely, one couldn’t make a monkey of the man after such a fashion. Nevertheless the mere idea was amusing. And it was what moved Charles Honeybath to take a peep into that library.

  It wasn’t, of course, kept under lock and key. There just seemed to be an unspoken understanding that it wasn’t among the ground floor rooms, fairly numerous in such a house, through which guests might wander at will. Quite commonly there is such a room, called a study, an office, a book room or whatever, reserved for the private use of the owner. But as Grinton himself never entered his library, this convention clearly didn’t apply. Honeybath told himself that the apartment, obviously of considerable size, was demonstrably what house agents call a ‘reception’ room, and that he could scarcely be charged with violating his host’s hospitality if he went in and glanced round it.

  His first impression was that somebody else had been taken with the same idea, and had signalled his approval of the library and its appointments by sitting down comfortably in an armchair in the middle of it. And Honeybath, perhaps because already possessed by a slight consciousness of intruding where he had no business, was momentarily confused to the extent of exclaiming, ‘Oh, I beg your pardon!’ much as if he had walked into a wrong bedroom and the spectacle of a lady brushing her teeth. But the figure was that of a middle-aged man – who might have been expected to say, ‘Not at all’, or ‘Good afternoon’, or ‘Mr Honeybath, is it not?’, or simply just, ‘Hallo’. But from the figure there came no sound, nor did it look up or stir in its seat. Honeybath concluded that here was a fellow guest – for guests came and went – who had sought out this secluded situation for a quiet after-luncheon nap, or even for the purpose of meditation and private devotion. Thus indicting himself of idle and unseasonable behaviour, the eminent painter (whose unflawed courtesy was an unobtrusive part of his make-up) was about to withdraw as quietly as might be when he realized that something was wrong. He walked up to the seated figure, touched a hand, with his own hand made a small gesture before open and unblinking eyes, and saw that he was almost certainly in the presence of a dead man. This was a shock. There was a greater shock when he took in the expression frozen, as it were, upon the dead man’s face. It could be described only as exhibiting malign glee.

  So here is the finding of our corpse.

  Satisfied that the man was indeed dead, Honeybath decided that it wasn’t his business to interfere with the body or investigate further. He must simply hasten to apprise his host of his perturbing discovery. So he turned away to leave the library. At the door, however, he paused for a moment. There was a key in the lock on its inner side. This, on a sudden impulse, he removed to the outside, and he then locked the door behind him. He put the key in his pocket and went on his way.

  Finding Grinton ought to have been easy. It was tea-time, and he was likely, together at least with some of his household and guests, to be gathered in the drawing-room in respectful attendance upon Dolly Grinton’s Georgian silver. This very circumstance, however, made the thing awkward. To announce baldly, ‘There’s a dead man in the library’, would be a little lacking in skilled social comportment in a company possibly including several delicately nurtured gentlewomen. Honeybath saw that he must go quietly up to Grinton himself and murmur, ‘My dear Grinton, may I have a word with you?’ This in itself might occasion slight surprise, but of course his host would at once get to his feet and leave the room with him.

  The plan, however, failed to work. Even as Honeybath opened the door, Grinton appeared to have come just to the end of telling some vastly entertaining story – or at least this was the inference to be drawn from the fact that the man himself was laughing loudly, and that several people imperfectly glimpsed were politely acknowledging that general mirth was required. Honeybath, thus finding himself in something like the position of the messenger Mercadè‚ in Love’s Labour’s Lost, bearing woeful tidings into a joyous assembly, momentarily lost his nerve and retired again, with the result that he bumped into Sir John Appleby, who was arriving rather late for tea.

  ‘John!’ Honeybath said. ‘There’s a dead man in the library.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ There was nothing startled in Appleby’s voice. ‘Sleepy places, libraries, at times. And since this one is a kind of sleeping library itself…’

  ‘It isn’t a joke.’ Honeybath, already agitated, was now annoyed as well. ‘A dead man, I tell you.’

  ‘Who is it?’

  ‘I’ve no idea. Just a middle-aged man. I never saw him before. We must let Grinton know at once. We’d better both go in.’ Honeybath had seized the chance of useful reinforcement. He perhaps dimly felt that to have a retired Commissioner of Metropolitan Police at one’s elbow is a welcome state of affairs when something slightly unnerving is on hand. ‘That’s the only proper thing.’

  ‘Well, yes.’ Appleby wasn’t in a hurry. ‘But if there’s really a total stranger suddenly dead on the premises this Terence Grinton will create uproar at once. Tally-ho and from a view to a death will be nothing to it. I think you and I had better have a quiet look first. If you can ner
ve yourself to it, Charles.’

  ‘Certainly I can.’ Honeybath wasn’t pleased at this needless challenge. It hinted a levity inappropriate to the occasion. But then John, he recalled, was one much traded in corpses. He had been dealing with them unceasingly throughout the earlier part of his professional career. In the light of this, a certain tinge of the hard-boiled in his attitude was fair enough. ‘Come along then,’ Honeybath said. ‘And don’t imagine I’ve gone clean off my head.’

  ‘Certainly not.’ Appleby was entirely placid. ‘That’s a most unlikely contingency. Even more unlikely than the appearance of a dead body in the library at Grinton.’

  They made their way in silence to the library. It was quite a step. If the squirearchal Grintons had from time to time turned up men of literary or artistic inclination, so had they also produced every now and then men with an alert eye to every opportunity of augmenting the family fortune. And these money-making Grintons had commonly commemorated their success by additions – always in a contemporary taste – to the fabric of their dwelling. Grinton sprawled and proliferated in half a dozen architectural styles in a manner almost totally obscuring its original character as no more than a substantial manor house. The final result, you could feel, was much what might be achieved by a child possessed of an inordinately wide variety of ‘building sets’ of the sophisticated modern sort. The reckless mélange might conceivably have produced a not unpleasing effect of fantasy. But this hadn’t happened. The place was a bit of a monstrosity. Respectable guidebooks to the county said as much in decently temperate language.

  The library occupied the greater part of the ground floor of a wing of moderate size and sober elegance designed by James Gibbs, an excellent architect although a suspected Jacobite, in the first quarter of the eighteenth century. Its south front remained much as Gibbs had left it, but that to the north was in part obscured by a confused huddle of domestic offices, now disused and virtually derelict, added by a Victorian Grinton with a mania for maintaining something like a small army of servants whose preservation from a scandalous idleness had required the exercise of much ingenuity on the part of the housekeeper, butler and similar important persons.