“Please, put my daughter in the backseat,” Shay said as he held the seat forward.
After gently placing her tiny coffin on the backseat, we got in the car and drove away.
What a different drive home than the one coming up, with Marie sitting on my lap making her little coos and chattering up a storm in baby lingo. Shay had me sit close to him so he was there to hug me tight when I needed it. Several times, he put his head on my shoulder.
When we got to Hudson, Shay went directly to the Westwood Funeral Home, got the tiny coffin out and asked if I wanted to go in with him.
It was late, I just said, “No, you take her. Tell them we’ll call them early tomorrow morning with the arrangements.”
Shay was only gone a few minutes, they had been expecting him. When he got back, he hugged me, and we were off to a house with two children that once housed three. Our home would be empty, but not as empty as our hearts.
Mom and Maggie were both at our house, and there was a lot of crying. I decided to wait until tomorrow to tell Kelly about her Rie-Rie. Shay put me to bed. I have no idea what time he joined me, as I’d taken another sedative. My doctor had given me seven pills. I knew this was one night I needed one.
Brownies
When I awoke the next morning, I bathed numbly and dressed in a stupor. I looked at the clock; it was 7:30 in the morning. Shay was already up and gone. I walked across the hall to the kids’ rooms, but the kids weren’t there either. I managed to drag myself down the stairs. I could hear voices as I neared the kitchen. The whole family was here, Grandma Lila, Grandpa Shannon, Sterling and Maggie, Dad and Mom. Shay was in the kitchen, drinking a glass of iced tea and holding Wessy. Kelly was playing on the floor with Mom.
“Oh, child,” Lila said, hugging me. “Our hearts are with you.” She told me they had all talked about it, and if I wanted to bury Marie in the family plot in Westover, it was ours.
Mom set a mug of hot tea with orange juice in front of me and I fiddled with the handle a bit.
“Thank you so much, Lila,” I said, humbly. “You just don’t know how much I appreciate that gesture. But, if you all don’t mind, and if it’s okay with Shay, I’d like to see if Joe has an extra spot by our Cookie. I know I’d feel much better if Cookie was watching over little Marie.”
“I like that idea, Callie, “ Shay said. “I’ll go find Joe and see what the situation is.”
When Shay got back, he was happy to tell me that there were several spots empty by Cookie. Joe had bought two plots, so he said he’d buy the one next to it, and little Marie could be buried between them. Cookie and Joe didn’t have any children of their own, so Joe said he was sure Cookie would have loved the idea. Joe told Shay he didn’t have to buy the extra lot, he just wanted us to have it, but Shay insisted, and so everything was settled. I wondered where my tears were. The absence of tears just wasn’t me.
I noticed Shay watching my every move with concern on his face. When I went back upstairs to talk to Kelly, I found her in her room, playing. The other thing I noticed was how Maggie and Mom had removed all of Marie’s things, even the crib. Kelly pointed to the empty spot along the wall and said, “Where’s Rie-Rie?”
“Come here, baby doll. Mommy wants to tell you something very, very special.”
I put my arms out for her to crawl into them. She came over and sat on my lap in the rocker, hugging me.
“Darling,” I said, “our Rie-Rie is a little angel now and she is way, way up in heaven with Jesus. At night when we say our prayers, and you talk to Jesus, you can talk to Rie-Rie and tell her anything you want to.”
“Will she talk back to me, Mommy?”
“Well, it will be more like she will send you little messages. So you must always look for those little messages.”
Kelly was so thrilled she ran out the door saying, “I got to go tell Daddy!”
Maggie said the kitchen was full of food our friends and neighbors had brought over. There was so much, Maggie even had to take some to the Big House. People dropped in all day long to give their condolences. Again, there was Shay watching me. He followed me into the kitchen and upstairs several times.
Finally, I snapped, “Shay you are so obvious, why are you watching me?”
“Callie, it’s me Shay. You’re not kidding me. This isn’t you. You’re not acting like my Callie. You always cry over every little thing, and now, no tears? You need to feel free to cry, Callie. I cried in the shower this morning and it helped, if you feel like crying, princess, cry. You’re allowed,” he coaxed.
“I don’t feel like crying, Shay,” I said. “I don’t have time. I’ve got a lot to do and people to take care of. You just quit worrying and stop watching me. I can tell when you’re looking at me, so stop it,” and I walked out of the room.
Somehow we got through that day. At night Shay put his arms around me so softly, interrupting his embrace only to brush the hair away from my face with his hands, or to give me an occasional kiss on the cheek. He just held me in silence to let me know that he was there.
We got up pretty early the next morning. I wanted to straighten the house up, but it was perfect. Maggie and Mom had taken care of everything. We needed to be at the All Faiths Church of Jesus at 2:00 for Marie’s service. We arrived a little early and parked behind the funeral director’s car. The mortician came up to our door and said he’d be taking the coffin, it was so tiny there was no need for pallbearers.
“No,” said Shay. “You can take the lead car if you want, but Marie will go to her resting spot in the backseat of her family’s car.”
They didn’t give him any argument. After the church service, I looked around at the reception and couldn’t believe how many people were there. Everyone kept coming up to me and hugging me, saying, ‘It was the most beautiful service.’ I finally grabbed my purse and asked my dad for his car keys. I told him I needed to get out of there for a while, and I’d be back soon. I couldn’t take one more person saying to me, ‘The service was just beautiful.’ I mean, really, how beautiful can burying a loved one be? I know their words were well intended, but no words can comfort a mother who has lost her child.
I drove the four miles out of Westover to the cemetery. I went to the graves, my Cookie and my Marie, where I sat down between them and talked to them. The spring grasses were just poking up through the earth and I asked Cookie to take care of my little miracle. I’d been to see Cookie at least twice a week since we’d lost her. Now I’d be there to see them both.
It wasn’t long before I saw the Impala pull up and stop by the gravesite. Shay got out, came over and just sat down quietly beside me on the grass, putting his arms around me. He could feel me shivering, so he took his suit jacket off and wrapped it around me.
“When your dad said you took his car, I knew exactly where you’d be,” said Shay. “I don’t want you to be here alone. You seem to think you’re going through this sadness alone. But you’re not. My heart is broken along with yours, princess.”
“If the truth be known, am I not really going through this alone?” I asked. “I was just remembering how much quality time I spent with her. Then I asked myself, how much quality time did you spend with that tiny soul, Shay?"
“Callie, I know you don’t believe me, but I loved that little baby. She was so tiny, like a little fairy,” he said. “Sometimes I thought when I held her, she’d break.”
“I didn’t see it that way,” I said. “I saw a person who made it a point not to hold her. Remember the time you said, ‘your baby’s awake and standing up in her crib?’ Do you realize, Shay, how weak she was and yet that tiny little baby would pull herself up on the rails and stand up. You could have just held her a few minutes. I’m sure she needed your love, and I know how much love you have to give. Why didn’t you just give her a speck of that love?” I asked, crying.
“Callie, for the last time,” said Shay wearily. “I loved Marie, and I’m not saying it again.” But his tone was kind.
As I starte
d to get up, Shay got up, too, and helped me up. I knew my biting words had moved him; he had tears running down his face.
“I’m going back to the church,” I said. “I’ll see you there.”
I got in dad’s car and drove back to the church. When Shay got back, I excused myself from everyone and asked Shay if we could go home. He took my hand and led me to the car, opened the door and put me in; then we were off to our empty home, as Kelly and Wessy were with Mom and Dad.
“Callie,” Shay said in the car, “what can I do?”
“I think you’re about ten and a half months too late asking that question,” I said in a low voice.
I was punishing Shay because of my anger at my loss. Deep in my heart I knew he really had loved little Rie-Rie. When we got home I went upstairs and took a bath, then I crawled numbly into an early bed. Shay showered and came to bed shortly after I did. I could tell he was exhausted. I had this little voice telling me not to let Shay know I needed him, but my body said differently.
After he crawled into bed, he moved very hesitantly toward me, rubbing my body with gentle strokes. I could tell Shay was watching to see if he could get a read on my thoughts. I think he was afraid I was going to turn my back on him. I could tell he was shocked when I moved toward him first and lifted his arm up to crawl into his embrace. This man was so gentle. He seemed afraid to touch me. I took his hand and moved it to the top button on my silk pajamas and very gently he undressed me. We just lay there, Shay rubbing my body.
Lovemaking. What can I say? The man was so tender. His strokes during foreplay, all that love when he whispered in my ear as he ran his lips tenderly around my face, “I’m here, babe, I’m here.”
I could feel it in his hands, see it in his eyes; feel it in his heart. He moved with the most gentle strokes a man can move with, in and out like slow motion, oh so slowly, with every thrust he displayed more love than some people give in a lifetime. I could tell he was somewhat worried about being too aggressive; thinking maybe I’d feel that we were disrespecting our Marie. Shay braced his body on his hands, his face about nine inches from mine. He was looking down into my eyes, those beautiful brown eyes. It was so gentle, as if it were our first time making love.
Everything was quiet. The music wasn’t even on.
Then out of the blue, he said, “Callie, I’m hungry for some of those homemade brownies you make. Will you make me some tomorrow?”
I was looking into his eyes and I could tell he just didn’t know what to say to me. Well, that just came off the top of his head, and it was the perfect thing for him to have said. Just perfect. It tickled me and I let out a sweet little laugh.
“I’ll make you all the brownies you want, Shay Westover,” I said.
From that moment on, something changed; we were back to the old us.
***
In the afterglow, laying in his arms I said, “Darlin’, we need to decide what we’re going to do about our daughter. Someone has my baby and I want her. I didn’t carry my child for nine months to let someone else have her.”
“I’ve thought of nothing but that since the doctor told us, Callie,” said Shay. “But it’s been first things first, and that was Marie. Now it’s time to for us to go see the family attorney.”
“What do you think he can do?”
“Well, the hospital is responsible for the mix-up,” said Shay, “so I see a lawsuit looming somewhere in the future. I think it’s unavoidable.” Then he added, “I’m sure whoever is raising our child is not just going to hand her over to us without a fight, and I wouldn’t blame them. I wouldn’t have let anyone take Rie-Rie.”
All my resentment fell away with that one statement. I knew if he said it, he meant it. He wouldn’t have let anyone take her. Shay really had loved our little Marie Margaret Westover.
Missing
When we got up the next morning, Shay called the Westover family attorney, Willis Hock. Willis told Shay he wasn’t going to be in his office that afternoon, he had a golf date; but if we didn’t mind, he’d like for us to be his guests at the club. He said we could meet around eleven to discuss what we wanted to see him about.
“Well, Shay,” Willis said as we sat down, “what’s on your mind? It sounded serious. What can I help you with?”
Shay had brought the medical folders. Birth dates, birth certificates, dates, blood test results; it was a bombshell of a folder, just waiting to explode. Willis had been at the funeral, but there was no way for him to know Marie wasn’t our blood child. After Shay told Willis the whole story and showed him the folders, an extremely concerned look came over Willis’ face.
“Shay,” he said, “Kathrine. We’ve got us a real mess on our hands here. I can understand why you’d want to see me immediately. Your biological daughter is with someone else and you want her back.”
“That we do,” Shay said. “What is it going to take to find her, and how do we go about getting her? We know there are other parents involved, but we want our daughter.”
“Kids, this thing is going to get real ugly. Not to mention the lawsuit you have against the hospital.”
“We’re not interested in a lawsuit,” said Shay. “We just want our daughter, Willis.”
“Yes, Shay, I understand, but do you have any idea what hurdles we’re going to have to go through?”
“You know,” I broke in, “I just want my baby. Yes, I feel sorry for the parents who have my baby, I know I would have put up the biggest fight you’ve ever seen if anyone had tried to take our little Marie.” Tears began running down my face.
Shay got up and went to the bar, where he got some extra napkins. He knew when the waterworks started they were going to go on for a while. I hadn’t cried a lot since Marie died, but when I did, the tears just came flooding.
“Willis, I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand how I feel,” I sniffled. “But I’m getting her back. I don’t care what anyone says or thinks.”
“There, there, don’t cry Kathrine,” Willis consoled. “I’m going to do all I can to find your baby. Every mother should have her child. I’m just saying gear up for the fight of your lives. Bottom line, kids, the hospital bears all the responsibility here. This is going to throw them into a tizzy. They’re going to know someone on their staff messed up and therein lies the lawsuit. We aren’t going to be able to get around that, there is going to be liability here, big time.”
After lunch, Willis walked us to our car. We left the folder with him.
“We’ll get started on this right away,” said Willis, waving as we backed out of the lot.
I cried all the way home. I felt sorry for Shay because I know he tried to comfort me, but my arms were empty. Yes, I had Kelly and Wessy, but when a mother has carried three babies in her womb, under her breast and close to her heart, there is nothing that can fill the hole of only having two.
When we got home, Shay said he wasn’t going to pick the kids up from Mom’s the way he’d planned. He missed them as much as I did, but he didn’t want them to see Mommy crying. That Shay was a sensible, caring man. He had to do what was best for all of us, and seeing Mommy cry was not good for them.
“Did we accomplish anything today, Shay?” I asked.
“We took the first necessary step.”
“It seemed like Willis was anxious to get on this, but do you think he will?” I asked.
“We’ll see,” Shay said, with that cool head of his.
***
We had our answer the next morning. Willis called and told us there was going to be an emergency meeting of the hospital board at 2:00 p.m. and he wanted us to attend the meeting with him.
Before we left, we walked around the farmstead grounds for a while. Shay put his arm around me, holding me tight. It was like he felt if he let go I’d disappear. We went inside for a lunchtime snack about 11:00.
“Come here, babe,” said Shay at the kitchen table. “Sit on my lap. I want to tell you something.” I got up and sat on his lap.
“Callie,” he told me. “I am so damn proud of you. The way you’ve handled yourself, the way you’re taking care of everyone. But, babe, I’m worried about the fact that you don’t cry as much as I would have expected from you.”
“I have a deep hole in my heart, Shay,” I said quietly. “And that hole is filled with tears. I don’t know what it is, but something keeps holding them down. Sometimes I feel like I wish I had a straw so I could suck all the tears up and out. They just can’t get to the surface. I want to cry, but I just can’t! What do you think that means, Shay?”
He just kissed me with those delicious lips, picked me up and carried me into the guest room.
“Callie,” he said, laying me on the bed. “I’ve been wanting to make love to you in here for months. I think this is the exact time to fill the inside of your life with my love, right here in the room that you thought would be our bedroom.”
Samson and Sunset Page 23