Hamish X and the Cheese Pirates

by Sean Cullen

  Every so often, drunken laughter and shouts erupted from within the other large structure, a long rectangle of stone with a peaked wooden roof. Double wooden doors offered the only entrance or exit as far as Mimi and Parveen could see. A nearby hole in the ground yawned. Wooden stairs had been built leading down into the cave below.

  They ducked down behind the barrels to make their plans. Parveen sketched out a rough map of the compound with the nub of his pencil. Mimi watched his hands, but kept thinking about Hamish X tumbling over the ledge into space. She could not get the image out of her mind.

  “I assume this is where they store their booty.” Parveen pointed to the patchwork warehouse he’d drawn. “They unload their cargo directly from the airship through the hole in the roof. There doesn’t seem to be any other way onto the airship, which will work to our advantage.” He circled the long rectangular building with his pencil. “This is some kind of meeting hall. All the rest are probably places for the pirates to sleep. The stairs here must lead to natural caverns in the rock.” He tapped the cave outline with a finger. “I would bet the prisoners are down in that hole.”

  As if in answer, the noise from the meeting hall swelled as the double doors swung open and Mrs. Francis marched out. The two children felt their hearts leap. Mrs. Francis looked to be healthy, although her bathrobe was a little bit the worse for wear. The tall, thin pirate called Mr. Kipling followed the little housekeeper. Next came a group of people who were chained together and who the children didn’t recognize. Two pirates brought up the rear, prodding the prisoners towards the stairs and then down into the cave.

  A little way off, the tall pirate grabbed Mrs. Francis’s arm and she whirled to face him. Even though they couldn’t hear them, Parveen and Mimi could see they were having a heated argument.

  MRS. FRANCIS WAS FURIOUS. “Those children are my responsibility. I demand to see them immediately!”

  “Mrs. Francis, I am under orders not to allow it. Surely, you understand …”

  “No, I don’t understand. I don’t understand how anyone could treat children so badly and I won’t be a party to it.”

  “But the Windcity Orphanage and Cheese Factory is hardly an orphan’s paradise, Mrs. Francis. You didn’t seem to mind working for Viggo regardless of his poor treatment of the children.”

  Mrs. Francis opened her mouth to make a retort, but instead she hung her head. “You’re right, Mr. Kipling. I see that now. I would do anything to change the way things were, but that is in the past.” She suddenly stepped close to Mr. Kipling, clutching his hand. Tears stood in her eyes.. “You’re just like me, you know. You pretend to be one of these horrible, ruthless pirates but you aren’t, are you?”

  “Please, Mrs. Francis, I …”

  “There’s kindness in you. I can see it, Mr. Kipling. Help me help these children. For your daughter. For yourself.”

  They stood looking into each other’s eyes for a long, long moment. Mr. Kipling finally dropped his gaze and stepped away.

  “I must take you back to your cell, ma’am.”

  Crestfallen, Mrs. Francis turned to go. But out of the corner of her eye she saw a flicker of movement high up on the crater wall. Stacks of barrels lined the walkway, presumably to collect snow for drinking water. Her eyesight had always been excellent, and she trained it on one group of barrels in particular. For an instant, she saw a flash of frizzy black hair and a reflection of sunlight off a pair of eyeglasses. She stared in wonder for a moment, but forced her face to be calm.

  Mr. Kipling noticed her hesitation and followed her gaze. “What is it?”

  “Hmm? Oh, I thought I saw a duck.” It was all her panicked brain could think of.

  “A duck?” Mr. Kipling repeated, thoughtfully. He scanned the area carefully. “Unlikely.66 Shall we go, ma’am?” He took her arm and steered her to the cave entrance. They disappeared down the stairs.

  MIMI COULD BARELY CONCEAL HER DELIGHT. She hugged a startled Parveen with such ferocity that all the air came out of him in a sharp bleat. She grabbed his shoulders and shook him.

  “Mrs. Francis is alive! And she knows we’re here! Oh, I could just bust a gut, I’m so happy!”

  “I share your excitement, but please refrain from injuring me!”

  “Sorry,” she said, letting go of him and hugging herself instead. “We made it! I can’t believe it.” She stopped suddenly, tears filling her eyes as she remembered. “I just wish Hamish X was here to see it.”

  “He would not want us to be crying and wasting time. We are lucky these pirates believe they are completely safe and so are spending no effort on keeping watch. We must get right to work and get out before they know what is happening.”

  Mimi nodded and wiped her eyes. She poked her head up and took another look at the compound. After a moment, she ducked back down and held up the map so that both could see it. “We gotta do two things. One: free the prisoners. Two: steal the blimp …”

  “Zeppelin. There’s a difference.”67

  “Whatever!” She pointed at the warehouse on the map. “Here’s the deal. You go git the thing ready to go. Warm up the engines ’n such. I go git the prisoners and bring ’em to ya and then we hightail it.”

  “A simple plan.” Parveen chewed his pencil.

  “Simple’s best. We wait till it’s dark, then we go.”

  “We could both be caught and imprisoned ourselves.”

  They sat for a moment in silence.

  Mimi spoke. “Are you scared?”

  “Indeed.”

  “That’s okay.” Mimi smiled and squeezed his hand. “When you’re doing something good and important, you’re supposed to be scared.”

  “If you say so,” Parveen shrugged. He pushed up his glasses and looked at the weak sun low in the sky. “It’ll be dark in a few hours. We’d better get some sleep.”

  Huddled together for warmth in their hiding place, they took turns watching and dozing fitfully.

  Finally, the two infiltrators deemed the darkness deep enough to cover their assault. They finalized their sketchy plan, checked their gear, and prepared themselves for what was to come.

  The escape from Snow Monkey Island had begun.

  Part 3

  ESCAPE FROM SNOW MONKEY ISLAND68

  Me again. We’re on to Part 3 and I think things are going very well. Parveen and Mimi have seemingly hopeless tasks ahead of them and Hamish X is dead after a long fall down a nasty cliff.

  What? That doesn’t sit well with you? How dare you question my authority as narrator of this story? I was appointed by the Guild and you have no right to insinuate that I don’t know what I’m doing. In fact, I know exactly what I’m doing. It’s you who don’t know how these things are supposed to work. Have faith! I wouldn’t let the story go so horribly wrong and kill off the main character! That would be negligent! Criminal even! And worst of all, it wouldn’t be what actually happened. Changing the story would get me into deep trouble. Believe me, I have no desire to go back to Storyteller’s Prison. Horrible place! Nothing makes any sense there. You’re trapped in a cell without a coherent plotline for years on end. No! I won’t go back! Never!

  You’re forgiven for thinking, like Mimi and Parveen, that when Hamish X fell over the ledge with the big angry snow monkey hanging onto his boot he was doomed. One would expect that the best he could hope for was a long fall and a sudden stop on the rocks below, all in the company of a smelly, vicious monkey. But you should know better by now that you can’t write off Hamish X so easily. When will you learn? It’s time to return to the story to show you the error of your ways.

  Chapter 27

  Hamish X hung from a ledge with a screaming, one-eyed snow monkey dangling from his right boot, trying desperately to pull himself to safety. No matter how hard he pulled, he couldn’t seem to lever himself up. His own weight, combined with that of his attacker, was proving to be too much. To make matters worse, the panicked monkey wouldn’t keep still. It thrashed and clawed at his leg, swin
ging them both wildly in space like a giant monkey–boy pendulum. Hamish X’s arms strained to maintain his grip on the crumbling rock.

  “Voice?” Hamish X muttered. “Are you there? I could use a little help right now.” But there was no reply. He was on his own. The monkey down below shrieked and flailed, almost dislodging Hamish X’s fingers from the stone.

  “Knock it off!” Hamish X shouted. He looked down at the snow monkey. The ugly, one-eyed face was twisted in terror. Hamish knew he had to get the creature to let go if he had any hope of pulling himself to safety. He raised his left boot to smash the pink, leathery fingers.

  The snow monkey saw the boot going up and realized what was coming. It looked up, and the expression on the primate’s face made Hamish X stop short. Though the horrible creature had only moments before been bent on his destruction, the look of piteous entreaty on the disgusting visage was so human that Hamish X was moved to stay the blow. He wasn’t a cruel person, and so he couldn’t send the snow monkey plummeting to its death.

  He looked down into that terrified eye and saw something of himself there. You might think Hamish X mad, but mercy is never a bad thing. Sometimes, showing a little kindness can reap huge rewards. Wait and see.

  “I don’t know if you can understand me, you big ugly thing,” Hamish X said to the monkey, “but I need you to stop thrashing around.”

  The monkey hooted loudly.

  “Shhhh! Relax.” Hamish X used his most soothing tones. “Relax! Shhh! Calm down. Shhhh!”

  The monkey seemed to understand. It stopped wriggling and hung quietly.

  “All right.” Hamish X smiled at the monkey, who bared its teeth in return. “We have to get up on the ledge. I have an idea.” Hamish X started to swing himself to one side, then the other, slowly at first, then as the momentum grew the arc became wider and wider, taking the monkey closer and closer to the level of the ledge. At first the monkey was terrified, but after a few swings it began to figure out what Hamish X was up to.

  “Grab the ledge,” Hamish X shouted, grinding his teeth against the pain in his shoulders and arms.

  The monkey held onto Hamish X’s boot with one strong arm and reached out with the other, trying to grab hold of the ledge at the top of every swing. When the boy felt he couldn’t hold on any longer, the monkey finally grasped the ledge, letting go of Hamish X’s leg and pulling itself to safety.

  Hamish X’s arms quivered with exhaustion. Even without the added weight of the monkey, he found he didn’t have the strength to even try to pull himself up. He felt his fingers losing their grip. A shadow fell over him. He looked up into the pink leathery face of the monkey, gazing down with its one brown eye. The creature sat on its haunches, staring at the boy with its furry head cocked to one side.

  “Help me,” Hamish X begged. “Please!”

  The monkey didn’t move. At last, Hamish X felt his strength give out. He let go of the ledge and prepared himself for the end. In that instant, the monkey’s long arm shot out and grabbed the front of the boy’s woolly jacket in an iron grip. He hauled Hamish X up onto the ledge.

  For several minutes Hamish X just lay on his back, panting as the terror left his body. I’m alive, was all he thought, listening to the racing of his heart and the blood singing in his veins. I’m alive and anything is possible. Finally, he sat up and looked around him.

  He was on a small stone outcrop a few metres square. To his right lay the edge and the drop. To his left was the mouth of a cave. The opening was narrow but high enough for him to stand upright. Sitting in the mouth of the cave was the snow monkey.

  Hamish X immediately tensed. The monkey squatted on its haunches, looking at him. Suddenly, it leapt across the intervening distance and grabbed him, crushing him in its powerful arms. Hamish X began to struggle, but he soon realized it wasn’t an attack but a show of affection. The creature hooted softly, running its large hands over Hamish X’s head, picking at his scalp.

  “Hey now, settle down,” Hamish X chuckled. “Whew, you need a bath, monkey! Whoa.”

  The monkey hooted loudly and tossed Hamish X onto the ground, tickling him furiously.

  “No! No! Stop!” Hamish gasped helplessly. Finally, the monkey allowed him to get up. It sat back on its haunches and grinned, baring his huge fangs in what seemed to be a laugh.

  “Well, here we are. But where is here?”

  The monkey hooted and slapped the rock between them.

  “I don’t suppose you understand anything I’m saying, do you monkey?” Hamish X smiled. “Well, I suppose I can’t just keep calling you monkey. What should I call you?” Hamish X scratched his head. “You don’t look like a Dave or a Ron. Hmm.” The monkey sat in silence, watching Hamish X with its one brown eye. “I know.” Hamish X snapped his fingers. “I’ll call you Winkie on account of your permanent wink. Winkie! Does that suit you?”

  The monkey hooted and hopped up and down, slapping its chest with open palms. Suddenly, it lunged out, grabbed him by the arm, and began pulling him towards the open mouth of the cave.

  “Hey.” Hamish X dug in his boots. “I have to find my friends. Winkie!” Winkie tugged harder, and finally Hamish X had no choice. He allowed himself to be dragged into the mouth of the cave.

  The cave led into a narrow, winding tunnel. Hamish X tried to keep up with Winkie, tripping over unseen rocks on the uneven floor. The darkness was complete, but the walls were covered with a variety of glowing fungus that cast a pale green light.69 Eventually, his eyes adjusted. He probably could have followed Winkie by smell alone, so profound was his monkey stench.

  Winkie led him on a winding course through the glowing bowels70 of the island. Soon, Hamish X had lost all sense of direction, but he was fairly sure they were steadily climbing. At one point they entered a vast cavern lit by the glimmer of a lava pool far below. A narrow path curved precariously over the seething rock. “Parveen was right,” Hamish X whispered to himself. “It is a volcano.”

  They left the lava pool and followed a steep tunnel up, up, up until Hamish X saw a faint glow ahead. Winkie stopped and laid a smelly hand over Hamish X’s mouth. Hamish nodded. They crept forward softly until the tunnel ended in an opening awash in a glare of light. Hamish X heard human voices. Cautiously, he crept up and peered around the corner.

  The opening looked out over a vast cavern lit by strings of electric torches. Huge metal machinery stood silent under the lights: a vat, a press, a cutting machine. “It’s a cheese factory,” Hamish X breathed. Covering three of the four walls were rows and rows of cages stuffed with miserable snow monkeys hooting and screeching. They barely had enough room to sit down in their cramped quarters. Ranged in front of the cages were small glittering cylinders with hoses sprouting from them.

  “This machinery seems to be in excellent working order,” a familiar voice said. “As soon as we can begin the milking process, our first batch will be ready for consumption in under a year.”

  When he saw who spoke, Hamish X almost shouted out loud in fury.

  Viggo Schmatz, wearing a ridiculous orange hat, was examining the cheese press. The cheese maker’s clothes were ragged and filthy and he had a leather collar around his neck. Beside him, Captain Cheesebeard, flanked by two pirates holding swords, rubbed his hands together gleefully.

  Hamish X would have leapt down right then and there, but Winkie restrained him with his powerful paws.

  “Good! Excellent! Wonderful!” Cheesebeard gestured to the caged monkeys with one filthy hand. “Who would have thought these useless, ridiculous creatures would be the source of such an exquisite, delightful cheese?” He strutted up to one of the cages, banging his fist on the bars. All the monkeys inside cringed back fearfully. “We’ll milk them dry! And when they wear out and die, there are plenty more where they came from. An endless supply!” Cheesebeard laughed and the pirates dutifully joined in. The monkeys started hooting and soon the din was tremendous. Finally, the chaos died down.

  “It will be my pleasure to s
erve under a man of your incredible vision, Captain Cheesebeard,” Viggo simpered. “With your leadership and my humble expertise, the world of cheese will tremble!”

  “Will your children perform their duties as required?” Cheesebeard asked.

  “They will do as they are told. They have no choice. Keep them hungry and tired and you won’t have any problems. And when they wear out, I have contacts in the ODA who will be happy to provide us with more.”

  “What about the woman? She seems like a handful.”

  “Don’t worry about that idiot Mrs. Francis,” Viggo tutted, waving a hand dismissively. “All you have to do is threaten the children and she’ll fall into line.”

  “I like you, Viggo Schmatz,” Cheesebeard leered. “You have a cruel streak and a spiteful nature. We have so much in common. Let’s chat some more over a bottle of wine.”

  “Delighted, Captain!” Viggo bowed deeply, an evil grin on his nasty face.

  Cheesebeard and Viggo linked arms and walked towards the doorway that led out of the cavern.

  “You can take the hat off now,” Cheesebeard said.

  “Thank you, sir.” Viggo whipped the ridiculous orange hat off his greasy head. He clapped it on the head of one of the pirates. “There. You wear it. Ha! You look stupid!”