The Atlas of Us

by Tracy Buchanan

  ‘Who posted it to you here then? Erin?’

  Milo went quiet for a few moments, seeming to battle with something. Then he shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Why did you lie to me about what happened between you?’

  ‘I was ashamed.’

  ‘If she sent you this card, what about Holly? Has Erin tried to contact her?’

  ‘Holly hasn’t mentioned anything. Anyway, Erin’s banned from seeing her.’

  ‘I’ve always wondered about that. It must have been pretty serious for the courts to ban her from seeing her own daughter. What happened? While you’re in confession mode, you might as well tell me everything.’

  Milo slumped down onto the sofa, running his fingers through his hair. ‘Erin’s always been mentally unstable. But when Dale had enough and asked for a divorce, she took Holly away in the night when she was just four and – and Holly nearly drowned.’

  Claire sat down next to him, staring at the door to Holly’s room. ‘She tried to drown her own daughter?’

  ‘I don’t quite know what happened. Erin told the courts she’d decided it’d be a good idea to go night-swimming from the hotel they were staying at in Cornwall.’

  ‘Jesus.’

  ‘That, combined with some other things she did, made the courts decide she was an unfit mother. Not just unfit, dangerous.’ His face hardened and he tore the card up, throwing it in the bin before pulling Claire into his arms. ‘I won’t let her spoil things for us.’

  Chapter Sixteen

  Inari, Finland

  2000

  The land Filipe’s family lived on was a long drive from Iso-Syöte. They finally arrived just before lunch at a large flat plot surrounded by a pine fence, a huge forest of trees beyond it. In the middle of the plot were several pine houses, including tiny constructions Filipe explained were for storing food standing a few feet above ground on poles. In the centre were several teepee tents and then beyond, hundreds of grazing reindeer surrounding a hill.

  Sofia stepped from the car she’d hired, patting down her dark jeans. When she looked up again, she caught Claire’s eye. Things had been tense yesterday when they’d all spent the day together, Sofia watching Milo with narrowed eyes, Claire watching him too, hoping and praying that was it now, no more secrets.

  ‘Buorre idit,’ Filipe said as he approached them all. ‘A Sami good morning.’

  ‘Buorre idit,’ Holly replied, pulling her red knitted gloves off.

  Filipe smiled. ‘Hungry?’

  She nodded so he led them all towards a tepee made from a tan-coloured hide slung around several sturdy twigs.

  ‘We call these lavvus,’ Filipe said. ‘They’re temporary structures normally used for herding. We now use them for gathering and traditional days like this.’

  Over the next hour, they gorged on a feast of traditional Sami food, including the Bierggojubttsa soup made by Filipe’s aunt, as well as delicious cloudberries picked that very morning. They ate and drank from plates and cups made from reindeer antlers and wood, which Filipe explained were traditional ‘Duodji’ art.

  When they’d finished lunch, they headed towards an area lined with several tree trunks, large antlers protruding from them.

  ‘We practise lassoing our reindeer with those,’ Filipe explained. ‘I was going to suggest we all have a go.’

  ‘Now this is more like it,’ Sofia said, smiling. ‘My Texan clients taught me how to lasso when I visited years ago.’

  Alex rolled his eyes as Claire smiled to herself.

  ‘Can I sit this bit out, it’s freezing?’ Holly asked, wrapping her arms around her slim frame as she watched Sofia with narrowed eyes.

  Could she sense Sofia’s distrust of her and Milo? Claire hoped not. She didn’t want Holly to feel isolated. Claire had benefited from a tight family unit when she was a child. But when she was around Holly’s age, her dad had smashed that all to pieces by leaving them. Claire had felt so disorientated and lost, she’d spent months trying to find him, desperate to bring him back and force that unit back together again. That destruction of the family unit had all happened to Holly when she was even younger, and to have the tragedy that followed … Claire looked into Holly’s green eyes, thinking of the conversation they’d had in her room. She felt this overwhelming urge to recreate a family unit for Holly, to hold her close and make her feel safe and wanted.

  ‘Of course you can,’ Claire said. ‘Why don’t you take Archie back to the lavvu, he looks cold too?’

  As Holly took Archie to the lavvu Claire strolled over to the fence, taking photos as the others played. It was clear Sofia had had a lot of practice, expertly snagging fake reindeer after fake reindeer along with the Sami men as Alex and Milo struggled to keep up. But despite this, Milo persevered, his face tense with concentration, brown eyes alert as Blue darted around with him. When they’d perfected their skills, Filipe gave them a chance to try lassoing the real thing. Alex grew bored after a while, wandering off in the direction Holly had gone. But Milo and Sofia stayed, competing with each other to catch a large reindeer. Beyond them, the sky was beginning to turn pink, a candyfloss of mist dipping into the azure hues of Lapland’s twilight.

  Just as Claire was beginning to feel too cold, Milo and Sofia both flung their lassos towards the reindeer. Milo’s seemed to hang in the air for a few moments before floating down and entangling around the reindeer’s antlers, Sofia’s lasso falling short. Milo shot Claire a look of triumph but then the reindeer darted off, violently yanking his arm. Milo’s feet lifted up underneath him and he landed with a hard thud on the ground, powdery snow puffing up around him as Sofia laughed.

  Claire clambered over the fence and ran to him as Blue licked his face. Milo slowly opened his eyes, face softening when he saw Claire. Then he noticed Sofia smirking down at him and his face hardened again.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Claire asked.

  ‘I’m fine,’ he said, sitting up.

  ‘Maybe we should go sit in the warmth and—’

  ‘No way, I want to try again.’ He jumped up, wincing slightly.

  Claire frowned. ‘Milo, I don’t think—’

  ‘What did I just say? I want to do this!’

  She stood up, placing her camera in her bag. ‘Fine. If you want to break your back, I’m not going to stick around and watch it happen.’

  He sighed. ‘Claire, I—’

  She turned on her heel and strode towards the lavvu. She had a horrible feeling he was going to hurt himself and she couldn’t bear to watch it happen.

  When she got to the lavvu, she paused. She could hear Holly and Alex talking in hushed tones.

  ‘You’re not just saying that, are you?’ Holly said. ‘I can’t do something like this unless you really mean it?’

  ‘I swear,’ Alex replied, his voice husky. ‘I don’t want to be a solicitor like Mum anyway and that’s the only reason I’m in college. I’d rather travel with you. Plus I already told you I dumped Kirsty.’

  There was the sound of clothes rustling then a soft moan. Claire coughed, waited a moment, then quickly strode in.

  Alex was lying across one of the rugs, his trousers bunched around his knees. Holly was bent over him, her red hair spilling over his uncovered thighs, her top dragged up to reveal her small, bare breasts.

  She lifted her head, exposing Alex, and Claire turned away, whispering ‘Jesus’ under her breath. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him quickly scramble to cover himself as Holly pulled her top back down, her face pink. Archie peered up at them from the corner then leaned his chin back on the rug, closing his eyes again.

  When Claire was sure they’d pulled themselves together, she turned back.

  ‘Please don’t tell my mum,’ Alex said.

  ‘Don’t tell me what?’ Sofia said. She was standing behind Claire, her hands on her hips. Claire saw Holly and Alex through her eyes: faces pink, hair unruly, clothes dishevelled. Holly caught Claire’s eye, silently pleading with her as Alex stood froze
n with fear.

  ‘Nothing,’ Claire said.

  They both visibly relaxed.

  ‘I’ve always been able to tell when you’re lying, Claire,’ Sofia said. She marched over to her son, examining his face. Then her eyes moved down towards his trousers, which were still unzipped. She turned to Holly.

  ‘I know your type,’ she said, looking her up and down. ‘You were probably rolling around in the hay with some farmhand when you were twelve.’

  ‘Jesus, Sofia!’ Claire cried.

  Holly’s face exploded with anger and she marched towards Sofia. Claire grabbed her arm and stood between them. She realised she was shielding Holly more than Sofia, despite Holly being the one who’d marched towards her sister. That yearning to look after her was there again, so strong. She wondered if this was how it felt to have a child, this fierce desire to protect someone.

  ‘I was only stating the truth,’ Sofia said.

  ‘Shut up, you poisonous cow!’ Holly shouted at Sofia over Claire’s head, her face stretched with rage. ‘You’ve been horrible to me and Milo all holiday and I haven’t said anything ’cos you’re Claire’s sister but you’re a—’

  ‘What’s going on?’ Milo asked, limping into the lavvu.

  ‘Your niece just had her grubby paws all over my son,’ Sofia hissed.

  Milo looked at Holly then at Alex, his eyes lingering on Alex’s unzipped trousers.

  ‘What did you do to Holly?’ he asked Alex as Blue circled him, sensing his master’s displeasure.

  Alex’s face went pale.

  ‘I’m serious,’ Milo said. ‘It’s much better you tell me the truth than lie to me.’

  ‘Calm down, Milo,’ Claire said. ‘He’s just a kid.’

  ‘He’s seventeen, virtually a man.’

  ‘You were a teenager once, remember?’

  ‘Yes and that’s why I want to know what the hell you were both doing.’ He turned to Holly. ‘Holly?’

  ‘N-nothing,’ she stammered.

  ‘Nothing?’ Sofia said. ‘I have a feeling you’re the one who instigated it all.’

  ‘Somebody tell me what they were bloody doing!’ Milo shouted.

  Claire stepped towards him. ‘They were just making out. They’re seventeen, remember? Not children any more.’

  ‘No, this one certainly isn’t a child any more,’ Sofia said, looking Holly up and down.

  ‘Oh, just fuck off and die, will you, Sofia?’ Holly hissed.

  ‘Holly!’ Claire said. ‘Calm down.’

  ‘The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?’ Sofia said under her breath. ‘You might want to rein her in a bit.’

  Milo’s face exploded with anger. ‘How dare you give me a lecture on how to influence Holly when you’ve spent half this holiday working on a law case, not paying any attention to your son. If I were him, I’d fucking smash that PalmPilot of yours apart and scatter it all over the snow.’

  Sofia stepped away from him, her cheeks flushed as Holly smiled to herself.

  ‘I’ll deal with this,’ Claire said to Milo. ‘Take Holly and Alex, and go outside, all right?’

  He held Claire’s gaze a few moments, his jaw flexing and unflexing. Then he grabbed Holly’s hand and slammed out of the lavvu as Alex followed, his head down.

  When they were out of earshot, Claire turned to face Sofia. ‘You disgust me, Sofia. Do you understand what that girl’s been through, what she’s seen?’

  Sofia said nothing, just looked down at the ground.

  ‘Despite all that,’ Claire continued, ‘she’s one of the loveliest girls I’ve ever met and Alex would be a very lucky man if they ended up together. So don’t you ever ever talk about her like that again, understand?’

  Sofia eyes widened at the tone of Claire’s voice. ‘Can’t you see why I’m acting like this? Alex is everything to me. Why do you think I’m on my PalmPilot all bloody day, for the joy of it? No, it’s all for Alex. So when I see him with a girl who’s had the kind of past Holly has, I worry. I just want the best for him, that’s all.’

  ‘What if Holly is the best? And anyway, it doesn’t look like he’s getting the best of things right now, does it?’ They peered towards Alex who was leaning against a tree, his blond hair in his eyes as he kicked miserably at the snow. ‘Maybe Alex needs to see his mother show some compassion once in a while?’

  Claire looked her sister up and down then walked out of the lavvu towards Milo and Holly. She’d put up with Sofia’s obnoxious ways all her life but she was beginning to come to the end of her tether now.

  ‘You okay?’ she asked Holly.

  Holly kept her eyes on the ground. ‘I guess.’

  Milo took Claire’s hand. ‘Sorry I lost my temper in there.’

  ‘She deserved it.’

  Blue padded over then and Holly leaned down, pressing her cheek against his furry face. Milo led Claire away a few metres and lowered his voice. ‘What actually happened between Holly and Alex?’ Claire told him and he shook his head. ‘Christ. What the hell was he playing at?’

  ‘It takes two to tango, Milo. And from what I heard, Holly was leading the tango.’

  Milo shook his head. ‘No, Holly’s not like that.’

  ‘I was like that at her age.’ He frowned. ‘Milo, she’s not your little Snow White. She’s an intelligent young woman who knows what she wants. This isn’t a fairy tale you’re living in where you can keep her locked away in a fairy castle.’

  Milo leaned his forehead on Claire’s shoulder. ‘It scares me how much she’s growing up.’

  ‘I know.’ She stroked his hair and they were quiet for a few moments. ‘The thing is though, Milo, it’s not just what they did, it’s what they said too. I think they’re making plans to give up sixth form and go travelling.’

  Milo pulled away from Claire, looking her in the eye. ‘Really?’

  ‘Yep. You should probably talk to her.’

  ‘Why don’t you? She listens to you.’

  ‘But you’re her uncle.’

  ‘We heard some of what you said to Sofia in there, Claire. I know you really care for Holly. You might as well accept she sees you as her aunt.’ Claire felt a warm glow inside. ‘Please talk to her? I think you’ll be better at it than me.’

  ‘All right.’

  Claire went to walk towards Holly but Milo softly grasped her arm. ‘Claire?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘You would’ve made a great mum.’

  She swallowed, gently stepping away, his fingers dropping from her wrist.

  Would’ve.

  When she reached her, Holly had her head in her hands, spirals of red hair spilling over the shoulders of her coat as Blue leaned his chin on her knee.

  ‘Oh sweetie,’ Claire said, sitting on the bench and putting her arm around her shoulders. ‘You know Sofia didn’t mean what she said.’

  ‘Of course she did,’ Holly said without looking up, her voice muffled. ‘She hates me and Milo.’

  ‘She doesn’t hate you. She just can’t figure you both out and that scares her.’

  Holly peered up at Claire. ‘I can’t ever imagine her scared.’

  ‘Look, people have their reasons for being the way they are, so the best thing to do is feel sorry for them and ignore them, okay? And when I say ignore them, I don’t mean telling them to fuck off and die.’

  Holly sighed. ‘Sorry about that. She just wound me up, that’s all.’

  ‘I understand. But like I said, sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away.’ Claire took in a deep breath. She didn’t think she’d ever be having a conversation like this with a girl. ‘Another thing. I wanted to talk to you about what you and Alex did in there.’

  Holly’s face went red. ‘I’m so sorry you had to see that, it must’ve been pretty gross for you.’

  Claire laughed. ‘Yeah, well, not what I hoped to be seeing on Boxing Day.’ Her face grew serious. ‘You’ve only known him a few days though, you shouldn’t rush things.’

  �
��I know.’

  ‘It’s not just that. I heard what you said to Alex about leaving sixth form and travelling.’

  Holly’s face dropped. ‘Oh.’

  ‘Are you really planning that?’

  ‘Only so we can travel with you and Milo.’

  ‘We’d love you to travel with us but now you’ve started your A levels, there’s no point giving them up.’

  ‘But Milo said they’re not essential. And you said the other day I shouldn’t do what people expect of me unless it feels right for me.’

  Claire sighed. ‘And I still believe that. But it’s not a good habit, giving up on things halfway through. You only have a year left.’

  ‘Fine. Then I’ll come live out here and carry on from Finland.’

  ‘But you don’t speak the language.’

  ‘I’m a quick learner.’

  ‘Oh, Holly. It just isn’t going to happen.’

  ‘But I hate living in the UK, it’s so boring!’

  Claire smiled. ‘God, you sound like me at your age.’

  ‘I want to sound like you.’ She paused a moment, her green eyes flickering with emotion. ‘Sometimes I imagine I’m like you, like I’m your daughter even. Does that sound weird?’

  Claire had to fight hard to stop her eyes from welling up. It made her feel a mixture of sadness and joy: sadness for the child she’d never have, joy because maybe, just maybe, she could play a role in one girl’s life.

  But then she remembered Holly already had a mother.

  ‘That doesn’t sound weird, sweetie. But you do have a mother, remember?’

  Holly turned away. ‘She might as well be dead.’

  ‘That’s an awful thing to say!’

  ‘You don’t know what she’s like, Claire. She’s mental.’

  Claire looked down at the snowy ground, trying to figure out what to say next. Then she caught sight of the silver globe her dad had got her hanging from her bag.

  ‘My dad got me this,’ she said, lifting it up to show to Holly. ‘I used to think he was perfect. But eventually, I learned he wasn’t, that nobody is.’