Flawed Perfection

by Cassandra L. Giovanni

  Before he could continue I pressed my lips against his, but the resistance there was a slap in the face. I felt his hands grow stiff on my waist as he pushed me away.

  “No!” he said, walking away and kicking the air. “We can’t now. It was a mistake!”

  I grabbed for his hand and pulled him back into me. I knew it wasn’t, and I needed him to see he didn’t really feel that way either.

  The heat of his hands hovered over my back as he hesitated in touching me back. His body was rigid as he pushed me against the wall and walked away again, his hands buried in the back of his hair.

  My body flushed with heat at his reaction, and I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere. He’d made his decision and everything inside me felt shattered.

  “Why did you do it then? Why!” I yelled at him as the anger returned, coupled with the crippling pain of rejection.

  A painful, fake chuckle came from his lips as he turned and answered, “You know me. I’m an ass—a player.”

  The look in his eyes said it wasn’t true, but when I shook my head the look became venomous.

  “I was drunk out of my mind!” he said, his hand going to his forehead as his breathing quickened and his eyes closed.

  He had been. I had been, but that didn’t change what I felt. His hand dropped and his lips twisted downward as he shook his head, the look in his eyes showing we didn’t feel the same. He regretted every touch and word more than he regretted anything.

  The pain inside my chest rose, taking over my whole being as I realized he meant what he said.

  “I hate you Adam!” I lashed out. “God, do I hate you! Out of every person in the world you were the last one I thought would do this to me. You’re my best friend for God’s sake, but still you treat me exactly like every other skank you drag in!” The tears were coming now as I yelled at him, “I never thought you’d do this to me. I never thought you’d enjoy breaking me like you’ve broken everyone else. You’re such a piece of shit! You know I’ve loved you since we were kids! If this is who you really are…then…then there’s nothing left.”

  I rushed past him, knocking my shoulders against his as he hung his own.

  “I hate you!” I said, against a sob.

  The tears burned my face as they made their way down it silently. Then his hand snaked into mine, grabbing me and pulling me into a hard kiss.

  He only pulled slightly away as his eyes burned into mine, and he placed his hands on either side of my face.

  “It’s not because I don’t want you,” he said, voice cracking again. “I’m wrong for you. I’m an irresponsible player. I don’t know how to be in love. I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I have, but I can’t lose you. Don’t walk away from me.”

  His breathing came ragged as his lips crushed into me again, and I couldn’t fight them. When he pulled away his jaw was clenched as his eyes searched mine.

  “Fix me, please. I want to be yours forever.”

  My breathing stopped as I stared back at him. He looked scared, like I might say no. I shook my head, and his eyes fell.

  “Adam,” I said, and his eyes rose again. “I can’t fix you. Only you can do that, but I’m yours despite it.”

  He scoffed as he moved away from me to face the wall. He turned back and threw his hands up in frustration.

  “But for how long? How long can you love me when I’m such a fool?” I smiled and started to answer, but he stopped me. “It’ll be different now—you’ll have to deal with me as your boyfriend, not just an asshole you’ve known your whole life.”

  I pulled on the suit jacket he was wearing so his hips where against mine.

  “Say it again?”

  “What?” he asked, and I could feel his heart racing underneath my palm pressed to his neck. It was strange to know I was having this effect on him—that I may have had this effect on him for years.

  “That you’re my boyfriend.”

  “I’m yours, River. I’m yours,” he whispered as his breath washed over my lips.

  The world tilted on its axis then. Everything felt right for once in my life, and I didn’t feel torn about the decision. I knew it was the right despite the way holding Adam’s hand under the table while Bobby sat across from us bit at my conscience.

  The truth was, at that moment I was incandescently happy, and I knew telling Bobby about the new development in Adam and I’s relationship would only ruin it. We’d have to tell him eventually, though I wasn’t sure when that would be.

  Chapter 27

  The high from the previous night left me still smiling as I stared at my computer screen adjusting the colors for the Marquee’s advertisements.

  “Knock knock,” Jesse called from the door.

  I turned in my chair and smiled up at him. “Here to check on those bold colors and black and whites?”

  “What? I can’t just come in and say hi to one of my best employees?” Jesse asked as he threw his shoulders up.

  “Mhmm,” I said with a rolled of my eyes as I turned back to the computer screen and leaned so he could see the files. “What do you think?”

  “Epic,” Jesse said. “It’s exactly what I was picturing. I love this font you chose for the name, it’s edgy.”

  “You know me—I’m all up in the coolest things,” I replied.

  I spun back around to see his face plastered with an arrogant smirk.

  “All up in the coolest things?”

  I shrugged.

  “That statement says otherwise.”

  “You’re an old man, you wouldn’t know!” I fired back with a half-smile.

  Jesse sighed. “Not the first time I’ve heard that this week. My ten year old told me I was so not cool.”

  “Ten year olds are hard to please,” I said.

  “You know it. So, you’re glowing?”

  “Whatever do you mean?”

  “You and Adam?” he asked.

  “Maybe,” I answered, drawing out the words as the smile spread across my whole face.

  “What did I tell you?” he said, crossing his arms so his suit seams pulled.

  “I guess I should’ve trusted the old man.”

  “Damn right!” Jesse called over his shoulder as he turned out of my office, one hand in the air. I heard him say in the distance, “Speaking of the devil!”

  I turned in my chair just as Adam sauntered in. “Hey.”

  He sat down on the edge of my desk and leaned down to kiss me.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  I felt the warmth travel up my cheeks as I watched the girl in the cubicle across from my office narrow her eyes at me.

  “What? I can’t visit my girlfriend at work and bring her out to dinner?” he asked as his eyes trailed down my high-waist navy pencil skirt to my crossed legs.

  I looked down at my watch to see it was five thirty. “I didn’t even realize it was that late!”

  Adam nodded over my shoulder at the files I showed Jesse. “Too hard at work, I see.”

  “Yeah, I just got them approved by Jesse, and I’m sending them off to get the files printed. The billboard is going to be right in Copley Square,” I said, my chest tightening at the thought.

  “I’m assuming the guy that just fist-bumped me was Jesse then?”

  I nodded, and his lips twitched at their edges.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “He’s kind of good looking?”

  “Who? Old gray hair?” I said as I stood and put my hands on Adam’s shoulders.

  “Yeah, the blue eyes and gray hair…broad chest—he’s kind of got a James Bond thing going on,” Adam said, and the show of self-consciousness was adorable.

  “First, he’s not you, and second, he’s very happily married with two kids,” I said as I played with the buttons on his vest. “I much rather have the hot-rocker-teacher.”

  Adam’s hands slid around my waist. “Really?”

  “Yeah, its super sweet he’d come get me at work to bring me out to dinner.”<
br />
  Adam winked at me. “Let’s get going then?”

  “Where we going?” I asked as I leaned over and shut off my computer.

  “Huh? What?” Adam asked as I looked over my shoulder to see him staring at my ass in the air.

  “Really?” I asked as I grabbed my purse from the desk.

  “Sorry, it’s distracting. Especially now that I don’t have to hide I’m staring,” Adam said as he crushed me into him, pressing his lips against mine.

  I pulled away, trying to catch my breath.

  “I’m still at work,” I gasped, definitely hot and bothered.

  Adam shrugged. “We won’t be soon.”

  “Where are you bringing me?” I asked as he slipped his arm around my waist, and we headed towards the exit.

  “Where’d you like to go?”

  “Sushi!”

  Adam made a face as he held the door open for me. “I’ve never had that.”

  “You’re missing out!”

  “If you say so,” Adam replied.

  “Are we taking two cars or one?” I asked.

  “Two, if Bobby catches us we can just say we ran into each other,” Adam said, his posture straightening at the mention of his brother.

  “Right.” I bit my lip before adding, “How long are we going to keep this from him?”

  “Until we know this Tara thing is serious. Hopefully, he won’t be so crushed then…but I’m not counting on it,” Adam replied as he loosened his tie and unbuttoned the collar.

  I ran my hand through my hair and watched as the strands fell through my fingers.

  “Hey.” Adam cocked his head at me. “Why are you upset?”

  “I’m not,” I lied.

  “Really? Don’t try that with me! I know you better than you know yourself,” Adam reminded me as he leaned against his car with crossed arms. I watched as the cotton of the button-up stretched around his upper arms in a distracting fashion.

  “I don’t want to hurt Bobby,” I finally replied.

  Adam reached for my hands and entwined our fingers. “We fit perfectly, Riv. You think he didn’t see this coming?”

  “I didn’t ever actually think it was going to happen, though,” I said, looking at our hands perfectly molded together.

  My eyes wandered upwards, and I watched as Adam swallowed.

  “Would you’ve settled for him?” he asked.

  “What?” I was taken aback by the question. It wasn’t one I’d ever thought about before.

  “Would you’ve settled for him eventually?” he repeated, and his eyes raced over my face, watching my expression.

  “No,” I answered, but it was weak.

  “You don’t sound convinced,” he said.

  “No,” I replied, my voice more convincing.

  He narrowed his eyes as he reached up and moved a hair out of my eyes. “I’m glad I got to you first. I would’ve never forgiven myself.”

  “I said no,” I repeated.

  Adam leaned in and brushed his lips against mine. “Let’s say I’m glad we can’t run that risk now.”

  I took a deep breath of his scent and pushed my body against his as I ran my hands through the back of his hair.

  He bit his lip as his own hands worked their way down my back to my ass.

  “Very glad,” he replied.

  “Me too.” I pulled away and turned to my car, looking over my shoulder as I asked, “Where to?”

  “My bedroom?” he suggested, a glint in his eyes.

  “You can sneak into mine after, but I’m hungry,” I replied. I had to admit the idea of skipping dinner was far more appetizing than raw fish.

  “Is that a solid invitation?” Adam asked, leaning against his open driver’s side door.

  “Well, I like to have dessert with my dinner,” I said with a wink before hopping in my car and revving the engine at him.

  He shook his head and nodded for me to lead the way.

  Chapter 28

  I sat at my desk readying the camera gear for the photo shoot for a local bakery that was looking for a set of very tantalizing wedding cake advertisements. I wasn’t thrilled with the sexy theme, but it was a part of my job so when Jesse explained exactly what I’d be doing I obliged.

  I was taking my time getting to the shoot, though, that was for sure.

  I heard Tara’s stilettos clicking against the tile floor before she made her way into my office with a huge huff.

  I turned to see her leaning against the doorframe with a pout.

  “What ya doing tonight?” she asked as she looked down at her new fingernails; bright red with Swarovski crystals encrusted on them. They were so Tara.

  I nodded over my shoulder. “Doing a kinky cake shoot.”

  Her chin jerked back into her neck and her eyes widened. “I wasn’t aware you did porno?”

  I looked at the ceiling before I stood and stuffed the camera in its bag. “It’s not porno. It’s just some chick in lingerie and a dude in boxers getting in a cake fight.”

  “That doesn’t seem like an idea you’d come up with,” she said.

  “What the client wants, they must get.”

  “Right…do you think it’s a good marketing idea?”

  I shrugged. “It depends on the image you’re going for. If it was my wedding cake, I wouldn’t go for the cake advertisement with the naked people in it.”

  “Is there a ring on your finger I don’t know about?” Tara asked with a squeak as I turned to face her.

  She was standing straight now, hands over her mouth in excitement.

  “We just started dating—”

  “You what?” she gasped.

  I bit my lip as I smiled at her. “Yeah, we kissed and made up.”

  She clapped her hands. “Finally!”

  I nodded my head and watched as her happy expression disappeared into a pout again. She sighed, her lips pursing.

  “So what’s wrong with you today?” I asked.

  “Did you forget?”

  I furrowed my brow at her before walking past her.

  “I guess so?”

  Tara kept pace with me and grabbed her purse off her cubicle as we passed it. “Bobby’s gone for a four-day weekend in New Hampshire with the hockey team?”

  I stopped walking and turned to face her. “Huh?”

  “He didn’t tell you?”

  I shrugged, and we kept walking.

  Now I was about as emo as she had been a second ago. The truth was, Bobby pretty much stopped telling me anything since he started dating Tara. There was a tinge of jealousy as I thought of it, but I fought it down knowing I had Adam now. I never expected Bobby would no longer need me or confide in me about anything. I guess that wasn’t true, because he did confide in me…about Tara. It just happened to be a little too much information I didn’t want to know about either of them. I hadn’t noticed Tara had continued to babble next to me.

  “Right?” she asked.

  “Sure.”

  “So I should worry about him going away?” Her voice softened and faded as she reflected on my response.

  “I guess you should repeat the question?” I asked as I unlocked my car, and she jumped in the passenger seat.

  I raised an eyebrow at her.

  “You weren’t listening. Now I have to come with you to explain!”

  I chuckled to myself as I slipped my sunglasses on.

  “Alright, start from the beginning,” I said.

  “So, Bobby and I are going great—”

  “So I’ve heard.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me, and I signaled with my hand for her to continue.

  “I know he goes on these trips a lot because you’ve told me about them, but you’ve never told me what happens when he goes on them,” she began.

  I shook my head failing to see her point. “He coaches his team on how to play hockey better? Yells at them when they mess up, and cheers them on when they’re doing well.”

  Tara huffed, crossed her arms and look
ed straight ahead.

  “What point am I missing?” I asked.

  “What happens after the games?”

  “They sleep?” I answered, watching her out of the corner of my eye. Her expression was a nod and widened eyes. “Oh, who does he sleep with?”

  Her head jerked up and down as her face turned red.

  “A pillow?”

  She blinked at me several times, and I kept my eyes on the road.

  “Come on, Riv!”

  “Okay, he’s never told me about any sexual expiates during one of them before. They’re really stressful, and every once in a while his parents show up and take him and the team out to dinner for winning.”

  “So I have nothing to worry about?”

  I reached over and squeezed her leg. “I know Bobby’s got a brother who’s a player, but Bobby’s never cheated.”

  “Phew,” she said, and was quiet before continuing, “Do you worry about Adam, you know, cheating?”

  “Adam’s never cheated on anyone. He just changes his mind about as often as he changes underwear.”

  “You didn’t answer the question.”

  “We’ve been dating two weeks, Tara!”

  “Doesn’t every girl worry?” she pushed.

  I pulled into the parking lot and shifted the car to a stop before looking up at her.

  “I thought you were the one who told me not to worry?”

  “I don’t think you should worry…” Her voice drifted off before she continued, “I’m just curious why you haven’t told Bobby yet? I mean, if you think it’s going to last, why wouldn’t you tell him? It’s going to hurt him even more if you tell him after you guys have been together for a month or two.”

  “We’ll tell him soon enough,” I said.

  “You think his freaking out is going to hurt me?” Tara asked as I grabbed my camera gear from the backseat.

  “Wouldn’t it?”

  She shrugged. “I know he’s going to freak out. It doesn’t matter how much time you give him.”

  “Doesn’t that bug you?”

  I glanced over my shoulder and watched as she looked at her feet.

  “It was kind of part of the package.”

  “You didn’t answer my question.”

  “What do you think, River? Would it bug you if you knew Adam had feelings for someone else that you could do nothing about?”