“He’s my best friend—my brother. I can’t believe he’d do this. I thought he’d want us to be happy,” he whispered back.
“Am I really worth it?” I asked as I pulled away to face him.
Adam held my face in his hands. “You’re worth the world to me, River, but am I worth it to you?”
“Bobby was right. I made my decision long ago—I just didn’t realize he’d use it to hurt me—us, this much,” I replied.
“Do you regret it?” Adam asked, his throat moving up and down.
“I could never regret anything with you,” I whispered back, kissing him.
“God, I love you River. I’m so glad I finally realized it,” Adam’s lips answered over mine.
“Me too,” I replied before he kissed me again.
He made me forget everything as his lips moved against mine, softly wicking away the pain.
He was all I’d ever need.
Chapter 43
The drive back to Boston was spent in silence. I leaned my head against the cold pane of glass and watched the signs as they passed by knowing nothing would ever be the same.
I knew some things were almost impossible to fix. The relationship I had with Mom was one of those things. In truth, it had never been that great. I always just agreed, held my tongue and was respectful to her attitude and opinions.
I closed my eyes.
As a child and even now as an adult, I wondered if she could love me for who I really was, and now— now I knew. No. My chest tightened with the thought, and then my mind went to Bobby. The thought strangled me, and I had to take a deep breath.
Bobby knew. He knew how it was! Yet his own anger at his multiple losses had driven him to say something he’d regret forever.
Something I’d regret forever.
I looked over at Adam as he parked and placed his hands firmly on the steering wheel. His fingers paled with the pressure as his lips moved, air whishing out, but the words seemed to escape him.
He squeezed his eyes as he released the steering wheel and scratched his chin.
Finally he spoke, “How do you feel about me living with you?”
Adam continued to look ahead, his eyes flashing over something in the distance.
“You basically already do.”
He turned to look at me, and his neck flushed up to his ears.
“I don’t want to push you when enough shit has happened,” he said.
I reached out, taking his chin in my hand and smiled.
“Yes, Adam, I’d love it if you moved in with me.”
He closed his eyes again, his muscles relaxing against my touch.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“Look at me,” I demanded. “Yes.”
“Alright. I promise Bobby is the pig.”
I rolled my eyes as I opened the car door.
“I know,” I replied. “I’ve smelled his room.”
Adam chuckled as he came around the car and put his arm over my shoulders.
“You might hate living with me,” he warned.
I looked up at him.
“You’ve never lived with a chick before. As far as I’m concerned it’s more of an experiment for you than me,” I said.
Adam opened the door for me, cocking his head. “Did I miss a whole portion of your life where you lived with a guy?”
I narrowed my eyes at him before heading in.
“Guys don’t hide their disgusting habits, girls do,” I teased, laughing as Adam froze mid-step.
“Disgusting habits?” he repeated, his face blank.
I winked at him and kept walking.
“Should I be worried?” Adam asked.
I shrugged.
Adam shook his head as he open his apartment door.
“You wouldn’t risk losing me to disgusting habits,” Adam said as he went to the CD shelf and began to drag it across the floor.
The CDs rattled, threatening to topple off the shelf, and I reached forward as one did.
“Mest?” I asked as I looked at the signed case.
“What? I had a punk rock phase,” he answered with a smile.
Despite the intensity of the situation we could still be happy with it being just us.
I replaced the CD and grabbed the other end of the shelf.
“No point in ruining the hardwoods,” I said as Adam smirked.
“Don’t hurt yourself,” he joked.
“I’m not that weak,” I shot back. “You’ve seen my guns.”
Adam blinked at me as we made our way across the hall shuffling the shelf with us.
We placed it down, and I unlocked the door before picking up the shelf again.
“None of these are Bobby’s?” I asked as Adam nodded to the wall next to the bedroom door.
“Nah,” Adam breathed as we placed it down. “Bobby is more about hockey than music.”
We both stared at each other for a moment at the thought of Bobby.
“You want to grab the dresser next?” Adam broke the silence with his hand stuck in his hair.
I nodded my head and followed him out. Within forty minutes there was literally nothing left in Bobby’s apartment to indicate Adam had ever lived there. He’d even grabbed his acidic-green-poor-taste-in-soda stockpile.
“This is it,” Adam said as he placed the last guitar on its rack.
I nodded my head and watched as Adam’s hand lingered on the neck of the Ibanez ™ before he picked it back up and slipped the strap over his shoulder.
I sat on the edge of the bed as he began to play without an amplifier.
The noise was tinny without the electric part hooked up but that didn’t matter. Adam’s fingers moved effortlessly from fret to fret as he strummed the guitar. His head nodded ever so slightly to the beat and his bare foot tapped the floor as he closed his eyes and a smile formed on his lips.
I stood and placed my hands around his neck, yet he continued to play, nod his head and tap his foot with eyes closed. The only change was on his lips as they crept into the seductive grin.
I leaned into him, letting my hands comb through the hair on the back of his head as my breath washed over his lips.
Still nothing. The guitar continued to hum with his talent.
I let my lips hover over his, then let them wander over the soft skin of his neck and up the stubble of his chin. The beat remained smooth, undisturbed as the strings squealed and he deepened the riff.
I paused as my lips reached his again, lingering at the corner of his mouth where the cold metal of his lip ring teased me just as much as his fingers on the guitar.
I let my mouth run over the metal until it caught in my teeth and I sucked it in.
Finally, his body reacted, tensing as he groaned—but his playing didn’t cease, didn’t change. He still resisted, hand strumming a tease over the strings next to the skin of my belly.
His mouth responded to mine as I let the ring and his lip slowly slip away from me. That was it— the guitar spun to his back and he yanked my hips to his own.
“I need you to play me like that guitar,” I gasped as his hand tilted my head, and his tongue ran over my trembling neck.
His other hand drifted down my body.
“Good, because I wasn’t done with my song,” he growled into my ear.
Chapter 44
One week…two weeks…three weeks…and still nothing—nothing from Bobby or Tara and nothing from Adam’s parents. Dad had tried to call and speak to me, but when Mom stole the phone away from him I hung up. I couldn’t stand the thought of her, let alone the sound of her voice chastising me for a part of me I loved.
My fingers began to slam on the keyboard at the thought of Mom, and the vile things she had said. In my mind she had suddenly become as bad as Vickie. I’d never thought of her like that before, but now it made sense to me. She was best friends with the woman, after all. I knew it was judgmental and immature, but I couldn’t stop rerunning the words most sluttish thing ever in my mind.
&
nbsp; “Whoa, there killer!” Tara’s voice echoed through my office.
I shot back in my sit and turned. I hadn’t heard from her since the party.
“Don’t look so surprised,” she said as she walked in the room, around my desk and took a seat.
I turned slowly, so I was facing her. “Hi.”
“Hello to you, too,” she replied, fluttering her eyelashes at me with a sarcastic grin on her face.
I took a deep breath and placed my hands on my lap. I wasn’t in any mood to be civil with someone who obviously took sides.
“Yes?” I managed to say in a somewhat nice voice.
“Come on, Riv. You’re mad at me for something Bobby did?”
“You haven’t talked to me in weeks, Tara! What was I supposed to think?” I said, keeping my eyes locked on hers.
Her shoulders caved as she began, “Listen, Bobby played dirty—”
“Dirty doesn’t even cover it,” I snapped. “I have ZERO relationship with my parents right now, and neither does Adam.”
“Right, so we,” she said, signaling a circle with her index finger; “should all make amends. It’s almost Christmas after all.”
“Yeah, okay,” I scoffed, but the mention of Christmas…Alone—with no family, only made my stomach feel sick and empty.
“When was the last time you went to one of Bobby’s hockey games?”
“The last time he played hockey on a team,” I fired back, defensive.
“You know what I meant, River.”
“A long time, okay? But when was the last time Bobby went to see Adam play?”
“Adam play?”
“Apparently all through high school he and Bobby kept the fact he was in a rather popular metal band a secret from me. They’ve been playing every now and again.”
“That makes sense…but they kept a secret from you?” she asked, momentarily sidetracked in her shock.
I nodded.
“Fine, how about this—you convince Adam to come to one of Bobby’s hockey games, and I’ll convince Bobby to go to one of the band’s shows.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Why are you doing this?”
Tara locked eyes on me. “I know how much you and Adam mean to Bobby—and you mean a lot to me too. This whole thing sucks, and it especially sucks that it’s all because Bobby can’t stand that you and Adam are perfect for each other,” Tara paused, shaking her head before she continued; “You know what he hates the most? That you make Adam a better person and that makes him a worse person. He’s doing that to himself though, he’s making the decision to be an asshole.”
I looked back up at her and shook my head. “I’m still trying to understand why you deal with it.”
“Despite all this we are perfect for each other…we’re happy together. He just needs to get over the fifteen year war he’s lost to Adam.”
“I feel like we’re just going in circles,” I admitted.
Tara gave one slow nod. “Bobby can hold a grudge.”
“That’s for sure,” I said as she stood.
She squeezed my shoulder as she walked past.
“I miss you,” she said. “Tell me when the next show is, and I’ll get Bobby there one way or another. Then you hold up your end of the bargain and drag Adam to a hockey game.”
“It’s next Friday at The Tavern at 8:00. The band is Fade Burn,” I answered.
“We’ll be there.”
Chapter 45
Fade Burn was growing in popularity, so much so that venues had now begun to pay the band to play instead of it being the other way around. I’d become somewhat of a groupie as I watched in quiet wonder as they took flat air and made it into a symphony of drums, bass, voice, and guitar. The band was even beginning to build a fan base, selling out shows at the local venues as more and more people began to notice them, and I was starting to see that Adam was becoming addicted to it.
I couldn’t blame him; the surprise on the faces of new comers and the awe in the eyes of diehard fans was hard to ignore. I also couldn’t blame him for not pursuing it as a full time career. After one show he was exhausted, as if the energy from the crowd had pulled directly through him.
Tonight was no different, and half-way through the set I knew he was getting tired. It was showing in his eyes, but not in his flawless voice. My heart was pounding with the beat, and I had a smile plastered on my face despite the nerves that were coursing through me as I wondered if Tara was going to keep up her end of the bargain. I didn’t know how Adam was going to react to the situation, and I didn’t know if he would be mad at me.
I saw the change in Adam’s face immediately, and I knew Bobby had walked in. The band had just finished a song, and I watched as Adam adjusted his bass guitar strap—something I’d not seen him do all night. He called something to his band mates, and they nodded their heads.
I didn’t have time to wonder what they were talking about because I felt Bobby’s hand on my shoulder, and my eyes drifted to the floor as he leaned down.
“My girlfriend is a tricky one, but I think you had something to do with this too?” he asked before he slid into the chair next to me.
Tara took the seat on the other side of me, and her hand found mine under the table. She squeezed, and I squeezed back, neither of us willing to let go.
“I’m still mad at you,” I replied.
He leaned over and kissed my cheek. “I’m sorry, River. I was irrational. I was mad. I’ve never lost a sport, especially not to Adam.”
“It wasn’t about that,” I said, finally turning to look into those blue eyes. They had darkened with his mood and were a deep sapphire against the dimly lit room.
His jaw tightened, and he nodded.
“No, it wasn’t,” he said.
“Was it worth it?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Nothing could be worth losing you and Adam.”
I swallowed and turned back to face the stage as Adam’s bass echoed through the room. The beat was familiar, and I knew the song he was about to sing. It was the same song he sung when he first kissed me.
When Adam’s voice hit the air, and the words began to sink in I heard Bobby let out a surprised breath. I looked over my shoulder at Tara who was staring at Adam wide-eyed.
“Holy shit,” she mouthed.
“Right?” I answered with a smile.
I glanced over my shoulder at Bobby to see his face averted. He no longer looked shocked as he stared down at his hands in his lap. His eyes paced as he listened, unblinking to the words of the song. I gave in then, seeing how much they upset him and put my hand over his.
His eyes slowly rose to mine, and he blinked quickly as if to keep tears away before saying, “I’ve been a shitty brother.”
I shook my head and his eyebrows rose.
“Yeah, I have.”
I heaved a sigh and nodded. “I think it’d help if he knew you felt that way.”
He swallowed and looked away from me. “You’ll have to convince him to listen to me.”
“I might be able to do that,” I replied with another squeeze.
“If anyone could it’d be you.” Bobby sighed as he looked back up to the stage as the song ended.
“If anyone could it’d be you,” he repeated.
We were silent again as Adam and Fade Burn continued their set. When the show was over we went outside, away from the crowd, to wait for the band to pack up. It was cold, but it wasn’t as bad as the feeling of bodies milling around us inside.
Finally, Bobby broke the silence.
“Thank you,” he said, looking down at his feet.
“For what?” I asked.
He looked away to Tara, and then out into the distance as she squeezed his arm.
“Tara, can you go get me a water?” he finally asked.
Tara looked between us with pursed lips before taking a deep breath. “Just say it, Bobby. I’m sure it’s nothing that’s going to surprise me.”
Bobby’s eyes went back to me, and I c
ould still see the indecision there. Whatever he was about to say would be hurtful to Tara.
“Every moment I spent jealous that you’d chosen him—God,” his voice trailed off as he ran his hand through his hair; “I didn’t even realize how talented he was…or how much I’d hurt him just by being me. Jealous for a few months seems pretty petty compared to the way he’s felt since we were kids. I’ve always seen the way he looks at you…I’ve just tried to convince myself I was the one, but I’m not. I realize that now—there is someone else better for you… and he’s my opposite in every single way.”
I raised an eyebrow. “And there’s someone better for you.”
Bobby pulled me into his arms and kissed my head before holding me out at arm’s length.
“I think you always knew that.” He sighed before continuing, “You’re both my best friends…I can’t deny how happy you make one another. I’m a jealous son of a bitch, but only because I’ve always seen it, and I’ve been afraid to admit it to myself. I still don’t like it but hell, I have no choice in the matter, so I better suck it up.”
“I love you, Bobby—I mean it,” I replied with a smile, and I knew for once with the returned glance he understood exactly what I meant whether or not he liked it.
He nodded but froze as he looked over my shoulder.
“Adam,” Bobby called.
I looked over my shoulder to see Adam in the doorway holding his guitar case. His eyes were unmoving as he stared at the three of us, his movement frozen in shock, or anger, or both.
I stepped towards him, and his head jerked back.
“River,” he growled, and a plume of mist came from his mouth as his hot breath hit the frigid December air.
I stopped and crossed my arms at him. “Don’t give me that tone of voice Adam Beckerson.”
His eyes narrowed on me, and he began to turn on his heel but not before I caught his elbow in my hand.
“Adam,” I begged. “Please, this can’t go on.”
He turned to face me. “How can you forgive him for the pain he’s caused?”
“He acted out of jealousy—”
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