“No,” Adam cut me off; “he acted out of malice.”
“He’s never understood the way your parents treat you,” I began.
“That might be true, but he sure as hell understands the way your parents treat you. He knew what he was saying when he said it, and he knew what it would do to your relationship with them,” he finished.
“It wasn’t about me.”
“Really?”
“It was over me, but about you.”
Adam’s jaw tightened as his eyes searched mine. “I don’t get why you want me to forgive him.”
“Because he’s the only family you really have— the only family that has ever treated you with love for who you are—the only family that would never try to change you.”
“He’s mocked me for who I am.”
“And you’ve mocked him for who he is. Just hear him out—I think he understands now.”
“Think?”
“Adam!”
“Fine,” he whispered back. “I’m doing this for you, though.”
I slid my hand into Adam’s free one, and we headed towards Bobby and Tara.
“Adam…”Bobby began, but his voice trailed off with the look of venom Adam returned. He stopped, put his hand through his hair and then started again, “Look, man, I can’t take back what I did.”
“No, you can’t.”
“Or what it did, but I am sorry. I know I’ve been an ass, and I’ve never really understood your dynamic with Mom and Dad…but I kind of get it now.”
“And why is that?” Adam shot at him.
Bobby flinched. “That song.”
Adam’s stone stare dropped. “What about it?”
“You meant it to hurt me.”
The Beckerson boy’s eyes met.
The contrast between them was so vast, brown eyes and a slim swimmer frame facing blue eyes and a hockey player mammoth of a build. Their personalities though—that was what made them Beckersons’; passionate, obstinate, arrogant, yet loving, kind and amazing all at once.
“No,” Adam said. “I only wanted you to understand.”
Bobby stepped forward. “I do.”
Adam shook his head. “I don’t think you can.”
His brother nodded with downcast eyes before he let them rise again.
“Maybe I can’t truly understand what you’ve felt, but I get it—and I’m sorry for it—for whatever pain I’ve caused you over the years. I love you, and I need you in my life…”
Adam nodded. “Is that an apology?”
“It’s as damn close as you’ll ever get to one,” Bobby said, a smile spreading over his face.
Adam returned the smile, and Bobby pulled Adam into a hug.
“I love you, man,” Bobby said.
“Damn, you really are a big ass teddy bear, huh?” Adam asked as he pulled away, but there was a tinge of bitterness in his voice. I knew he was still mad at him.
I nudged him.
“Yeah, yeah…I love you too, big whoop,” Adam said with a roll of his eyes—because no matter what he did love his brother.
Tara narrowed her eyes on me. “No fair! You totally got the better end of the bargain.”
“Eh,” I replied with a shrug and a smile as I looked between the two of them. I wondered how much of their truce had to do with me, and how much had to do with true forgiveness. The words they spoke weren’t false, but they were strained. I knew them both too well to be fooled.
“What’s this about a deal?” Bobby asked.
“Tara and I agreed she’d get you here, and I’d get Adam to a hockey game,” I said.
“I would never have gone to a hockey game,” Adam admitted.
“I would never have come here if I’d known I was coming to a Fade Burn concert,” Bobby seconded.
“How’d you do it?” I asked Tara.
She puffed her chest out. “I can be persuasive.”
“She told me I was going to get nachos,” Bobby said.
“You’re still going to get nachos,” Tara replied as she looked at the sky. “Thinks with his stomach.”
“That’s a change,” Adam teased.
Bobby smirked and nodded at Adam. “No, that’s you man.”
Adam’s arm snaked around my waist, and he kissed my neck. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Stop it the two of you!” I laughed as I pushed Adam away playfully.
“On second thought,” Adam said as his stomach growled. “I could go for some nachos, too.”
“Alright, let’s go.”
“Share a car?” Bobby suggested.
“As long as you two don’t get in a dog fight again,” Tara reminded them. “I don’t want to get another concussion.”
“Agreed,” Adam answered.
“Seconded,” Bobby added.
“I’m glad we’re all on the same page now,” I said.
I watched Adam throw Bobby a look that said he wasn’t ready to let go of his anger. Then he wrapped his free arm tightly around my waist and slipped a finger through a belt loop with a single nod at his brother.
Bobby’s lips gathered and he pushed them out with his tongue before shaking his head.
It wasn’t done in Bobby’s mind either.
Chapter 46
Tara convinced us to go to the new theater in town that offered a “home like” setting to watch movies in. It had the comforts of home, like reclining chairs, but with butler like services, including fancy alcoholic drinks. Bobby and Adam had been tolerating one another, but it seemed they had more to say to each other than they were letting on. I’d sat in the backseat of the car and watched as they silently eyed one another. I texted Tara to ask her again why she needed to work late and meet us there; it would’ve been a lot less awkward if she was there to distract Bobby. When we arrived Tara still wasn’t there, and I asked where the bathroom was. I didn’t really want to leave them alone, but by this point I didn’t have a choice.
As I cracked open the door to return to the boys I heard Adam talking, and I stopped in my tracks.
“I just want to get something clear.” Adam’s voice was hushed and threatening as he continued, “I’m never going to be able to fully forgive you for trying to destroy my relationship with River. I’m making amends for her and no other reason.”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” Bobby’s said, voice bitter. “I won’t ever forgive you for what you did.”
“And what is that?”
“You made it impossible for her to love me,” he said.
“I had nothing to do with that,” Adam pushed back.
“Doesn’t really matter, does it? It won’t change where we are now.”
“You can’t blame me because she chose me over you.”
“And you shouldn’t blame me for trying to keep her to myself.”
Adam didn’t respond immediately, and I wondered if I should make my presence known—if another fight was about to start.
Finally, Adam spoke with a level voice that surprised me, “I don’t blame you for trying to keep her to yourself. We both played that game. I blame you for trying to destroy our relationship after we were together—for telling her she was like every other girl. You know damned well that River could never be like any girl.”
“Don’t hurt her, Adam. I’ll pick up the pieces quicker than you can realize you made a mistake,” Bobby finished.
I stepped out of the bathroom before Adam could respond.
“What took you so long?” Adam asked. His face reddened as he looked at Bobby.
I shrugged. “I had to make sure my makeup looked okay. Did Tara get here yet?”
Bobby glanced down at his cell phone.
“Crap, I didn’t even realize she texted me.”
I wanted to say something about their bickering, and smack Bobby for involving Tara, but I kept my mouth shut and smiled.
“She’s here?”
Bobby nodded. “She’s already at our seats.”
“Sounds good!” I replied. I was tr
ying to be cheerful, but it bugged me to know they hadn’t really made amends.
Bobby sped up in front of us as he made his way towards his girlfriend and swept her into an unrestrained kiss. I swallowed as guilt washed over me. I wondered if Tara could get out of the sick game only Bobby was playing before he broke her heart.
“You couldn’t just leave it be,” I said to Adam as he stuck his hand into mine.
“What?”
“I heard your conversation.”
I looked over my shoulder and up at Adam, who had paled.
“You weren’t supposed to,” he said.
“No shit!”
“River, come on.”
“No, he’s your brother. Suck it up!”
Adam stopped and looked at me as he dropped my hand in favor of crossing his arms.
“Have you forgiven him?”
“That’s different,” I replied, looking away from him and down at my nails.
“How?”
“He’s not my brother.”
Adam pursed his lips at me. “You should understand where I’m coming from. You’re doing this for me, and I’m doing this for you.”
“I do understand…I just don’t know why you had to confront him about it,” I said.
“You’re not going to confront him about being with Tara while he’s still thinking about how he can pick up the pieces if I fuck up?”
“Are you going to fuck up?” I asked.
Adam’s brow furrowed as he looked back at me with scrutinizing eyes. “No.”
“Then I don’t have anything to confront him about.”
Adam’s lips curled into a half smile and his hands reached for my hips. “What if I fuck up?”
I let my arms rest on his shoulders. “I’ll just have to punish you.”
“Mhmm…” Adam leaned his head down to mine. “What if I don’t?”
“Then I guess you’re stuck with me forever.”
His lips hovered over mine, eyes fixed on my own. “Forever it is.”
Chapter 47
I realized Adam’s accusation that I hadn’t truly forgiven Bobby was true; after all, I hadn’t made an effort to make things like they used to be. I was really only just tolerating him, and I knew the only way to make Adam see was to make amends too. I made up my mind, and as I turned from locking the apartment door I saw his hunkering frame closing his own door.
“You!” I yelled from across the hall at Bobby’s back.
He turned and threw his hands up. “What?”
“We need to go out,” I said, walking up to him and pressing my finger into his chest.
“Why?”
“Because we haven’t since you and Adam decided to be big boys and get over yourselves,” I said as he looked down at my finger with a raised eyebrow.
He flicked my hand away. “Bossy Boss is back.”
“That’s right!” I replied. “So dinner?”
“I’m at your disposal, as always,” he said as he moved the hair that had fallen in his face back with a gentle smile. He hadn’t cut it in quite some time, but the way it fell now worked for him. It accentuated his eyes and chiseled jaw line.
“Adam has band rehearsal tonight, so I say we go to that new Italian place downtown?”
Bobby looked down at his watch. “You think there’ll be any reservations left?”
I shrugged. “Know those killer advertisements that made it so everyone was talking about it?”
He chuckled as he slung his arm over my shoulders. “I can only guess who came up with those.”
“That’s right,” I replied with a smile as we made our way downstairs.
“Did Adam leave for work early this morning?”
“Parent-teacher conferences,” I said, and Bobby nodded.
“Dealing with parents is a giant pain in the ass!”
I nudged him the ribs. “See you and Adam do have something in common…besides me!”
“Ha ha,” Bobby answered. “I get the parents that want to beat the crap out of each other…usually moms.”
“Speaking of parents, how are yours doing?” I asked as we headed towards the cars.
“It’s a bit rocky lately. They don’t really understand what’s going on with Adam, and you know Mom is bent on hating you.”
“How is that any different than the last ten years that I’ve had boobs?” I joked.
“True.” Bobby smiled down at me as we reached his towering truck. “Hey, why don’t I drive you in? Then I can pick you up, and we can go straight to dinner?”
“I’d like that,” I said with a smile.
“You need me to help you in?” he teased.
“I can handle myself, thank you!”
“Sure you can,” he laughed under his breath.
Once the truck roared to life and we were on the road Bobby glanced over at me with a more serious look. The easy happiness that had sunk in from my relaxed greeting seemed to have drifted away.
“Have you forgiven me yet?” he asked.
“For what? Trying to rip Adam and me apart? Or annihilating my relationship with my parents? Or using my best friend as a pawn in your sick game?”
Bobby’s lips dipped into a deep frown, and his lips twitched.
“All of the above?”
“I’m working on it.”
“That’s not really reassuring.”
“You were jealous. I forgive you for that…as for my parents, you don’t control them. They could have tried to make amends, but they haven’t,” I answered, but couldn’t contain the way my body tensed at the mention of them.
Bobby reached over and squeezed my leg. “Please know I didn’t mean for that to happen. It was an instinct, a cheap shot—I swear to God I didn’t expect your parents to practically disown you. I mean, Jesus, it’s a freaking tattoo.”
“Dad has tried, but Mom won’t have it.” My voice cracked, and I had to take a deep breath.
“You miss them?”
“Yeah, Dad the most. I’d never admit that to Mom, but she’s put this rift here…and I’m having a tough time getting over that. You’re right, it’s just a tattoo, and honestly, I love the thing.”
“I know you do,” Bobby smiled over at me. “It’d be super hot if it wasn’t the same as Adam’s.”
I rolled my eyes.
“It’s not the same. Mine’s purple!”
“Ha! Huge difference,” Bobby shot back.
“I missed this,” I said as I looked over at him.
“Me too. So that boyfriend of yours—is he treating you right?”
I laughed. “That boyfriend?”
“It’s easier to refer to him that way…so this conversation seems like any other we’d be having.”
I nodded. “He’s amazing, and I love him a lot.”
I thought Bobby’s face might crack, but the soft smile that appeared was real.
“I’m glad to hear that. How’s living with him?”
“I figured out which one of you is the pig,” I answered.
“Hey!”
“How do you know I was referring to you?” I asked in a teasing voice.
“Your apartment is still spotless as always,” he answered.
“You caught me!”
“Oink, Oink,” Bobby mimicked.
“How’s living with Tara?”
Bobby’s face twitched. “You noticed that?”
“Kind of hard to miss that she has her own parking spot now, which brings us to that other point of concern. The part about her being a pawn,” I said, and I looked over at him with the sternest face I could muster.
Bobby’s chin rose with his chest.
“I know it seems like she’s just a pawn, but she’s not.”
“She sure as hell better not be.”
Bobby nodded once, and I reached over and squeezed his monster bicep. “So how’s living with her?”
“Living with a chick is a lot different than living with another dude, especially my brother.”
“How’s that?” I asked, genuinely curious. Adam hadn’t said anything about living with me.
“She bitches when I leave stuff dirty, or don’t do the dishes…or forget to shower because I’ve been watching hockey for six hours straight,” he said.
“Must be rough!”
He sighed heavily. “You know it. Bitches be crazy.”
“Hey! That’s my best friend!”
Bobby scowled at me.
“I thought I was your best friend, besides Adam that is.”
I nodded as he shifted the beast into park.
“You all are, in different capacities,” I answered leaning over and kissing his cheek. “Thanks for driving me.”
He cupped my cheek.
“Thanks for letting me back in, Riv. Life wasn’t the same without you…or Adam.”
“See you at five?”
“My stomach is already looking forward to it. You calling for seats?”
“Already did a few days ago,” I said as I slid out the door.
“Tricky, tricky,” he answered as he shook his head at me.
I winked and shut the door. He honked as I walked away, and I showed him my middle finger before smiling back at him.
I knew what that honk meant, and I didn’t appreciate the compliment.
Chapter 48
Bobby and Tara’s presence in my life again partially filled the gap that had opened, but left empty was the part where my parents would be. That part of me ached hollowly. I wished I could be like Adam and ignore the feeling, but it wasn’t something I was accustomed to. Adam had grown up always knowing the evil of his parent’s ways, always knowing he would never be enough—but me? I’d always been able to hide my imperfections from them. I’d always been on the same page as them—even if I didn’t agree with them—or more likely, Mom. We never really saw eye to eye on the Beckerson boys. Maybe it was because Vickie was her best friend, and she didn’t want her to explode about me and either one of her sons. I think Mom had always silently favored Bobby, too. He was the golden boy after all. Adam was always more the rebel, despite a 4.0, he always had a guitar or some musical instrument in his hand. God only knew where that talent had come from.
I glanced over at him as he drove the GLI up the abandoned parking garage. Boston just past midnight was amazing—the normally bustling city streets died until it was so quiet you could hear the buzz of the light poles. It was the perfect time to just lose yourself in thought, and when we couldn’t sleep we sped off into the night to enjoy the serene silence. Tonight was one of those nights, and we knew each other well enough that we hadn’t spoken a word to one another. Adam had slid out of bed and grabbed the keys from the dresser, looking over at me with the soft smile that made everything bad disappear.
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