by M. Malone
It was like sleepwalking for years only to awaken at the edge of a cliff.
“I feel better, Doc. Although I won’t be truly happy until I know those fuckers can’t play with my mind again.”
Ian looked vaguely uncomfortable, and I had to curb the urge to bare my teeth. How many times had ORUS used similar methods on its assets? Hell, for all I knew, there was some other kind of programming deep in my brain waiting to be unleashed.
“How do I break this thing for good? I don’t want anyone messing with my mind.” I leaned against the opposite wall since all the seats were taken.
Gemma stood next to me and rested her head on my shoulder.
“That’s what we’re trying to piece together,” Max replied smoothly. “I believe that telling us about your time with the organization might provide some insight.”
It was insane, really, that the guy didn’t seem surprised by any of this. Impressive actually. I wondered what kind of fucked up things he’d seen that he wouldn’t bat an eyelash at the idea of a brainwashed former assassin.
“My time with the organization was my entire childhood. Not by choice.” I stopped, unprepared for the flood of emotion that thinking about my childhood brought.
Surviving had always been about moving beyond what had been done to me in the past. Thinking about the things I’d seen and heard while with the Family was counterproductive to building a new life. It could only serve to bring me down. So for years I’d suppressed it all, rarely thinking about my time there. It was almost as if there’d never been a little boy who was loved by his mother more than anything in the world, or a little boy who’d loved a little girl who looked at him like he was her protector.
“It’s okay, Matthias. They can’t touch you now. And they can’t take anything else away from you. Never again.” Gemma’s soft whisper pulled me back from the edge.
I rested my forehead against hers, drawing strength from her certainty and her calm.
“My mother was a prostitute owned by the Family. I was born there. At the time, I had no idea who my father was.”
There was a pause before MAX spoke again. “So, the indoctrination could have occurred at any time. However, I’m going to assume it occurred when you were older since your reaction to it was so strong. How old were you when you escaped?”
“Thirteen. And I didn’t escape. I only wish I had.” I looked over at Gemma and saw the understanding reflected in her eyes.
How different things would have been if my escape plan had worked. We would have been on the street, but at least we would have been together. I would have never entered ORUS, never been taught about death and pain and blood. The computer skills I had at that age would have been enough to get me work doing things that were definitely illegal but would have paid enough to keep us fed and safe. And maybe we would have had enough money to make it north to my grandmother’s house.
To a place that could have been a real home.
“At thirteen I attempted to run, but I was caught. I was sold to ORUS shortly after that, so the programming must have taken place before then.”
The doctor was taking notes but paused briefly to glance over at Ian. What was that about?
Rafe crossed his arms. “I kept a lot of the case files I worked on when I was active with ORUS. The shit I’ve seen on the Family was enough to turn my stomach. Nasty business. And the head of the syndicate, the one you call Father, is known for being ruthless and vindictive. I’m not sure what you could have done that would get you on his shit list though. I’m sure plenty of others ran.”
“They did. None made it very far. Most of them were beaten. Some were killed.”
Rafe narrowed his eyes. “But you were sold to ORUS.”
“I was too valuable to waste. They knew I was highly skilled as a hacker. Someone like that would fetch a good price. Plus, it probably amused him to know that a highly trained assassin would essentially be his robot with the right code words.”
Gemma folded her arms around herself. I pulled her closer. “Not your fault,” I whispered in her ear. But the tension in her body remained.
“But still, what could you have done that warranted being sent out of his control in the first place?” Noah’s brow furrowed as he stared at me with the no-bullshit look I’d seen plenty over the years.
“I tried to save a girl.” I glanced down at Gemma and then raised my eyebrows.
Identical expressions of understanding crossed Noah and Rafe’s faces. From the things I’d told them already about my past with her, I’d known they would get it. I wasn’t sure how much Gemma had revealed about her past to Ian or whether I’d be exposing her. But when I looked down at her, she shrugged and smiled softly.
“If we’re going to tell it, let’s tell it all. No more hiding. No more secrets.”
I kissed the side of her head. “It was Gemma. She was brought in to the Family at a young age as collateral on a debt her father owed. I tried to protect her as much as I could, but when I overheard them talking about selling her, I knew we had to get out. There wasn’t much I could do on such short notice, but I got her to pack a few things and figured we had better odds of surviving on the street.”
Gemma took over. “All I took were my favorite books and my stuffed Tigger. Not the most practical survival kit in retrospect.”
To my surprise, Rafe let out a hearty laugh. “At least that explains the Tigger toy in his room. I was getting worried about the kid. Oskar was convinced he had some weird stuffed animal fetish.”
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get my knives out or join in the laughter. But even Gemma’s shoulders were shaking. If it amused her, I supposed I could stand being the butt of the joke.
“Right. I think Oskar should pay attention to his own problems.”
Rafe tipped his chin. “Believe me, I know. I’m the one who’s been partnered with him the most. Somebody else should have to put up with his shit occasionally.”
“Anyway,” I drawled, more than ready to get them back to the matter at hand, “when they caught us, they threw her in the Thames to teach me a lesson. For years, I assumed she’d drowned.”
“And I thought he was dead,” Gemma added. “That they’d killed him as punishment for trying to save me.”
The guilt was apparent in her voice. How fucked was this whole situation? We’d both lived with guilt thinking we had caused each other’s death. But in reality, we’d both survived and grown stronger only to find each other again.
Maybe karma wasn’t always a bitch.
“So, in answer to your question,” I continued, “I was originally on their shit list because I tried to save a girl. But it turns out she didn’t need saving anyway.”
I kissed Gemma on the neck, relishing the way she cuddled into my embrace. My next words were for her alone.
“She grew up to be a badass all on her own.”
Rafe nodded. “That explains why he hated you then. But that doesn’t explain why they waited all these years to come after you.”
That was when I scrubbed a hand down my face, the weariness taking a toll. “No. It doesn’t. But maybe the fact that I’ve been disrupting their business practices for the last two years does.”
Rafe shook his head and then muttered, “Yep, that would do it.”
Gemma
After so many heavy revelations, I should have been exhausted. But after Noah and the guys left, I found myself wound tighter than a spring. They’d wanted to dig into the specifics of what Matthias had done, but the doc forced us to take a break. Then he’d spent the rest of the day with Matthias in the woods hiking, talking, and doing whatever it was that he did to deprogram people.
Matthias snored softly next to me, and I turned my head to watch him. It was so good to see him like this, vulnerable and at peace. I suspected this was a side that very few people got to see. Matthias seemed like the type to sleep with a knife under his pillow, not that I blamed him, and yet he was resting next to me comfortably. He had to be exha
usted after that dump session with the guys.
“You’re so strong. For everyone. But this time, I’m going to take care of you,” I whispered. He slept on unaware.
I sighed. I had no idea how we were going to work this situation out. I’d probably signed Sabine’s death warrant once Father realized that I’d been compromised. I squeezed my eyes shut against the guilt that brought tears to my eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Sabine.”
But I didn’t truly think my friend would want me to compromise the safety of others on her behalf. It was an impossible position to be in. How did you weigh the value of one life over another? I couldn’t allow the Family to take their revenge on Matthias, not even to save my friend.
But knowing that I had no other choice didn’t keep it from hurting so damn bad.
Matthias snorted softly, and when his eyes opened, he stiffened immediately. “Hey, why are you up? Is everything okay?”
“I’m fine. Just couldn’t sleep.” I soothed him with a gentle caress to his bare arm and he relaxed immediately.
I snuggled down under the covers and Matthias snagged me around the waist and dragged me closer. His warmth against my back was like a balm to my ragged soul. Love can do that, I thought. It could heal the things that were broken inside you. Something I’d never believed before.
“I’m sorry you had to hear all that earlier,” he mumbled against my back.
It took a second for his words to sink in but when they did, I rolled over to face him. Even in the dim room I could see the anguish in his eyes. Matthias was hard to read… even for people who’d known him for a long time, I’d bet. It gave me a small thrill to think that this was something I had of him that no one else did. That perhaps I could see into his soul through all the layers of protection and distrust.
“Why would you be sorry? You did the best you could in that situation. We both did.”
“Yeah, but you were out there alone. If I’d known you were alive, I would have never stopped searching for you.”
Matthias’s eyes locked on my face, his expression grave. I had no doubt that he meant that quite literally. He didn’t let many people in, but the ones he did earned undying loyalty. Something inside me blossomed at the knowledge that I was loved like that. Completely and wholly.
I moved closer, pressing my face against his neck. “There was nothing you could have done. And I got lucky, actually. Andromeda isn’t your typical mother figure, but she loved and protected me. She made sure that no one could ever hurt me again and that I could protect myself. I was lucky.”
Matthias smiled. I could feel his lips move against my forehead. “Tell me about her. I have to admit I’m curious about what it would be like to be raised by an ORUS agent. You always speak of her so fondly.”
“That’s because she didn’t treat me like an asset. I’m her daughter. Truly. Her partner Christine took care of most of my day-to-day upbringing since Andromeda was often traveling. In the beginning I didn’t really understand what she did. But once I was old enough, she started training me on hand-to-hand and weapons. Christine is actually a decent fighter, too. You’d never guess it to look at her. She looks like a typical soccer mom.”
Matthias laughed at that. “That’ll teach us all to stereotype, huh?”
“Exactly. They gave me stability and so much love. Most of all, I was safe. Which was exactly what I needed. Especially after losing you. It broke me in a way, and they were worried about me for a long time. I’m not sure I could survive that kind of loss again.”
His eyes met mine in the dark. “You won’t have to. You’ll never lose me again. I feel sorry for anyone stupid enough to try to separate us now.”
It was the perfect answer when I was feeling suddenly emotional, and I clung to him, not even caring that he could feel the moisture from my tears all over his chest.
“What about you?” I finally asked once the lump in my throat subsided. Although I knew a lot more from listening to him explain it to the others, I wanted to know what his teenage years had been like. Being sold to ORUS… I didn’t even want to contemplate the things he’d probably been through, but I needed to know. I had an insatiable desire to know everything about him.
“What about me?” Matthias asked.
I poked him in his rock-hard belly, storing the memory of his shocked laugh to savor later. It was so rare to see real levity from him and I cherished those moments.
“You know what I mean.”
He sighed, the sound slicing through me like a knife. “It was hell, but it was also one of the best things that could have happened to me.” There was a pause, and I imagined there was a whole host of things he wasn’t saying. “But in the end, ORUS made me a weapon. It’s ironic really. The Family sold me as a punishment, but in the end, they created a weapon that could be used against them. They probably didn’t think I would survive the training.”
I burrowed closer, breathing in the comfort of his scent. I remembered the early days of my ORUS training. If I hadn’t been prepped for years by Andromeda beforehand, I might not have survived myself. It was brutal and designed to weed out the strong from the weak.
“But you did,” I whispered. “You survived. We both did.”
“Yes, we did.” Matthias anchored a hand in the back of my hair, his long fingers stroking a slow, drugging caress over my scalp. “Noah looked out for me, mentored me. I’m not even sure why. But he taught me so much that I could work for years and never repay him.”
“I don’t think he wants you to repay him, Matthias. He’s your friend.”
“He is. The best mate anyone could ask for. He took me under his wing and found a way to get me out of ORUS without a toe tag. I’ll be forever grateful to him.”
Moments passed where the only sound was our shared breathing. Things had truly come full circle, for both of us. From a mad dash in the night, to being brought halfway around the world only to be reunited as adults. It was probably time to consider that fate really was on our side.
“Me too,” I whispered.
I sat up slightly, and that was when I saw that Matthias wasn’t just being quiet. He was fast asleep. Affection took me by the throat so suddenly that my head swam. What if Noah hadn’t protected him when he was in ORUS? What if we’d gone through all of this suffering only for one or both of us to have died before we found each other again? It was nothing short of a miracle that we were together at all.
“I’ll be forever grateful to him, too.”
8
Matthias
I woke up with the usual panicked alertness. But right away I knew I wasn’t alone. I relaxed when I saw Gemma was in bed with me, curled up on her side, looking so peaceful.
I still wondered how the hell she was able to sleep with me. And then I remembered everything the doc had said. I wasn’t the monster. Someone put the monster inside me and then honed it to a finely tuned weapon while I was with ORUS. And given the depths of my programming, it was a wonder I hadn’t killed everyone at the penthouse.
But I was strong. I could beat this.
Gemma rolled over and her smile was immediate. “Matthias, good morning.”
Just hearing her soft voice still full of sleep and calling me by my real name made me smile. When I was with her now, it felt like we’d made it out together all those years ago. I could almost believe the years of pain, torment, and torture had never happened.
“Good morning. Did you sleep okay?”
Something flashed behind her eyes and I felt bad for the question, but I didn’t take it back. “Yes, I slept fine. I know yesterday was a tough day. How did you sleep?”
I shook my head. “Fine, I think. No dreams.” That meant no nightmares either, which was more rest than I’d had in months. “Come on. Enough lazing around; it’s time to get to work.”
I wanted to hold her and make love to her, but I’d been hanging around long enough. It was time to fight. It was time to go home. It was time to finish what I’d started. I kissed
her softly and dragged the sheets off. By the time we were ready and headed out into the great room of the cabin, I found Noah, Rafe, and the doc already up and ready to go.
“How are you feeling, kid?” Noah’s voice was steady and unwavering just like always. I didn’t detect a single hint of trepidation or constraint in it.
“I’m all right, mate. You know, nothing a little anti-brainwashing can’t solve.”
Rafe choked down the coffee. “Too soon, man. Too soon.”
I shrugged. “Were you the one who had a homicidal killer implanted into your brain? No?”
Rafe shrugged. “Yeah, okay. Good point. You go on ahead and make all the jokes you want.”
“Yeah. Thought so.” I then turned my attention to Noah. “So how are we going to go after them?”
Gemma wrapped her arms around my waist and said, “Is this really the safest thing that we can do? Take the fight to them? What if there are other things that they’ve done to him? How wise is this as a course of action?”
The doc shook his head. “I don’t know. I’m just on the payroll to get him back to normal.” He leveled a gaze at me. “Like I said, you are stronger than what they did to you. After the hypnotherapy, I can only imagine the amount of pain you’ve been going through to hold that part of you back. But you’ve managed it just fine for years. It’s a risk. At the same time, I think with the work that we’ve already done, combined with the fact that you’re already a fighter, you’ll be all right. But that’s a decision you need to make.”
I covered Gemma’s hands with my own. “In that case, I choose to fight.” I pulled Gemma around into my arms and tucked her under my chin. “After what they did to me, what they did to you, and the fact that they’re holding your friend, I want their blood— in a totally non-homicidal way of course.”