The Legend of Dan

by Robert Wingfield

  “Great, a lump of rock.” Clutch gazed at the barrier. “There’s nothing there, you moron. Why did you say that?”

  “I’ve really no idea,” said Vac, thoughtfully. “It seemed to come from deep inside me.”

  “It’s all been a waste of time,” said Clutch. “I knew we shouldn’t have listened to him.”

  “It must be here.” Vac began to tap the cliff face with his sword hilt. “There has to be a door.”

  “Leave him” said Clutch, as some of the others made to go and help. “We will rest here until he gets tired, and then we can think about electing a new leader.”

  The party settled on the stony ground, muttering obscenities and mutiny, and went straight into a succession-planning exercise. A while later, sporting hasty notes scribbled on a large leaf, Clutch suggested Vac might like to resign as leader. Behind her, Groat, Spigot, and the remainder of the survivors wielded a collection of knives and swords.

  “I’m sure it’s here,” Vac muttered, as they advanced on him. He dodged round a huge boulder to escape, and ran headlong into Tanda.

  “What’s all that noise,” she said. “Shut the fukup21 and come this way before the enemy finds out where we’ve gone.”

  Vac took her in his arms. She shrugged him off. “Later, Vac. I see you made it! Did you manage to rescue any of our people?”

  “Most of them,” said Vac, smugly. “They are coming now.”

  His refugees charged into view, intent on deposing Vac for incompetence, and skidded to a halt in cartoon fashion. Feet were shuffled, and people started taking an interest in rock formations, as they hastily hid their weapons. Tanda spotted the outlander almost immediately.

  “What’s that?” she asked suspiciously, waving a hand at Suzanne.

  “A little toy Vac picked up on his travels,” said Clutch, cattily.

  Tanda studied the glazed expression on the girl’s face. “It has been bitten,” she said. “Death is all that awaits. You should leave it here to die, and not prolong its agony. I’m not having it littering my sanctuary.”

  “She comes with me.” Vac’s expression was unreadable. “Now show us the way inside.”

  “As you wish. I suppose you are still the leader...?” She looked at Vac’s group. There were some reluctant nods. Clutch folded her arms and looked away. “...so you can do anything you like.” Tanda shrugged. “Follow me.”

  The girl led the way through a tumble of broken rocks to a small iron door, fixed in the rock face. She raised a ritualistic, phallus-shaped object on a stick, and struck the metal with it. The door groaned, and swung open, revealing a long dark passage, sloping gently upwards.

  “Come on then, at the double.” She shepherded them all in, and the gate slammed. “This way.” She took a burning torch from a sconce and the group filed after her.

  The tunnel meandered upwards for a few hundred metres and pushed its way through another door into a small guardroom, the walls of which were papered with cuttings from erotic magazines, many dated some thousand years previously. “This is not the main entrance, of course,” explained Tanda, “in case you hadn’t guessed. But it is the quickest way in, on this side of the mountains.”

  From the guardroom, passages now led off in several directions. Tanda chose the largest one, and when she managed to divert attention from the wall decorations, led them along to another door. “The survivors are all here now, thanks to you,” she said. “You shall have the honour of leading the way into the great hall, my lord.”

  Vac pushed through the door and then parted thick curtains. The light from flaming torches set round the walls of a vaulted cavern blinded him. The place was filled with jabbering Skagans, but they went instantly silent when they saw him.

  “Behold, the new leader of the Seven Tribes of Skagos,” shouted Tanda in the silence, and pushed past him. Many of the women screamed with delight, and several fainted with passion. Vac swelled with conceit, and stuck his chest out. He went into the hall, and began to greet the entire assembly. In the normal tribal tradition, he took his time with those who had not fainted, and a few who had. Some of the men became bored with the waiting22 and clustered round the outlander girl, making unkind comments. Vac became annoyed, stopped in mid greeting with a statuesque girl from the third tribe, and banged a few heads together to reassert his authority.

  Eventually the salutations were over, and the company settled down to a large meal. The celebration was completed with a few of the old songs, and people were preparing for a good sleep, when Vac’s instincts again came to the fore. He jumped up and waded through the assembly. “I’ve remembered,” he said. “To the plains, to the plains!”

  The Skagans reluctantly stirred themselves, and watched half-heartedly as he retrieved a huge key from a crevice in the cave wall. He waved it at them. “The key to paradise,” he said, and proceeded to unlock a door at the end of the hall. “Come on then, you lot.” He beckoned the nearest people. A few stood up to follow, but most carried on with their night-time rituals.

  Vac led the remainder along a labyrinth of passages, and eventually out onto a ledge. The Skagans goggled. They were on the edge of a huge valley, ringed with mountains. It was beautiful, with woods, streams, lakes, and perfectly manicured pastures. The sky was illuminated with wonderful displays of coloured lights, giving the whole valley a fairy-tale quality, slightly spoiled by the sight of a dirty, four-horned hairy creature browsing quietly in one of the fields.

  It was several awe-struck minutes, before the Skagans realised that they were actually standing on the edge of a huge artificial cavern inside the mountains. Had they been sufficiently interested to enquire, they would have discovered the ‘sky’ to be an enormous optical net driven by powerful light and heat units round the perimeter.

  “This must be the way.” Vac sauntered down a long pathway from the ledge into the valley. He beckoned his outlander woman to follow him, and eventually they stopped on a raised grassy sward. At the centre was a small plaque. He called Tanda over, and took the access rod she had used for the outer door from her belt. He raised it and, as if in a trance, passed it in circles over the slab. The group of Skagans, who had followed him shook their heads in sympathy. All speculation stopped, however, as a column thrust itself from beneath the plaque. The top flopped open to reveal a panel, covered with ancient writing. The audience gathered round.

  “It is a message from the ancestors,” said one.

  “The leader will read the ancient wisdom,” said another.

  Vac saw their expectant faces. “Yes, it is a message from the old ones.”

  “How do you know?” prompted Clutch.

  “It is in my head, I just know. Look, will you get off my case?”

  “When you get one,” said Clutch, “I’ll be happy to get off it, but you and I both know you are making this all up. You haven’t a clue what it says, have you?”

  “Are you making it up?” The audience was now enlarged by more Skagans from the hall, and somebody shouted from the back. “What does the writing say, this message from our forefathers?”

  “It says... er... hi folks. Please make yourselves at home here, remember to keep the door shut, don’t litter, and do clean up after your dog...”

  “What if you haven’t got a dog?” shouted someone else.

  “Take no notice,” said Clutch. “That’s him, lying to us again.”

  “Er sorry,” Vac faltered. “I don’t actually know what it says. No-one ever taught me to read this type of writing. Er, can anybody here read the ancient tongue?”

  It was too late. There was a ripple of annoyed grunts. The audience’s attention wandered, followed soon afterwards by the audience. They had paired off again and were doing what their instincts told them to do when faced with a balmy atmosphere and a romantic setting. Vac shook his head in irritation and several crotch-beetles flew out of his hair. He was surprised when a voice droned in his ear.

  The outlander was
speaking, mechanically. “It is old English, from the County of the Gods on the planet, Terra. Truly a divine message.”

  “Read it, read it.” Vac hopped about, excitedly.

  “Read it, read it.” The Skagans who were near enough to hear stopped in mid-thrust, and clapped loudly.

  The outlander continued with the same mechanical drone, apparently unimpressed by the excitement around her. She read:

  “Shove thee digit on yon thing,

  Twixt thee knees hold this shaft,

  Then ancient works to life doth spring,

  The final weapons thee now haft... lad”

  “What does it mean; tell me, tell me?”

  “It sounds like one of our ancient access rituals,” Tanda suggested, “though access to what, I cannot tell. Perhaps the outlander can follow the instructions if you ask it?”

  “Do it then.” Vac directed his order at the girl. “Follow the instructions.”

  Suzanne responded automatically. She went through the actions of pressing the button, and gripped the column between her knees. A fanfare of trumpets sounded. The audience waited with hushed expectation, as the sound echoed round the rocky walls and gradually died. A concealed hatch slid open at the side of the field, revealing a wide flight of stairs, spiralling downwards. There was another groan from the audience.

  “Boring!”

  Vac shrugged, “Come on, we’ve come this far. Anyone else interested? Follow me if you are.”

  “I suppose we should,” said Tanda. She pointed at a trembling youngster. “You boy, go and get a torch from the assembly hall, before Vac plummets to his death.”

  “No don’t,” said Clutch, hopefully. “Vac knows what he’s doing.”

  The boy hesitated.

  “May I remind you who the leader is?” said Tanda, “well, who’s shagging the leader anyway?”

  “Everybody it seems,” said Clutch.

  “Apart from you,” said Tanda, “which means I outrank you. Go boy.”

  The lad scampered away, as Clutch scowled and started down the stairway after Vac. Tanda waited until the boy returned with a freshly lit torch. There was a tirade of muffled cursing from Vac down below, as he missed his footing, after a shove in the back from Clutch.

  “We have light,” shouted Tanda, past the gaggle on the stairs. The procession halted, and the torch was passed from hand to hand downwards. Clutch blew on it, madly, but it was too well established.

  “That’s better. I can see where I’m going now,” Vac said, trying to trip the woman, as she pushed past him.

  The stairs spiralled downwards for a long way, but eventually emerged into open space. The torch ceased to reflect from anything. The tribe was unable to see beyond its glare. “What we need are lights,” said Vac. “That’s better.” They shielded their eyes as a huge cavern lit up.

  “Magic,” said Tanda. “What a hero you are, Vac. But where are we?”

  A voice boomed out from hidden loudspeakers. “Children of Skagos, I bid you welcome to our battle silos. I am Norbert the Wise, leader of the Ancient Council of Norberts. By the time you hear my voice, many centuries will have passed, and I and my fellow anthropologists will be long gone, to that great industrial complex outside Watford. Enjoy this place, the culmination of our engineering genius.”

  The recording paused for effect, and the Skagans gawked around the cavern. Its walls were not rock, but metallic and highly polished, reflecting the light in a most efficient manner. In shape, it was octagonal, and round the edges were service pipes and gantries. Technician robots creaked into life and, as power throbbed through the silo for the first time in millennia, they began to scurry about in a frenzy of activity, presumably trying to catch up on what they hadn’t been doing over the ages. However, it was what they were attending to that held the audience’s attention—the silo contained a fleet of sleek spacecraft.

  The voice continued. “You have found your way unaided into our battle control centre. We devised the entry sequence as a check on the development of your responsibility, and intelligence as a people. We also installed the power absorbing units to prevent any other technology being developed while you advanced your wisdom and empathy. Those units are maintaining the environment above, and the systems here below. What you see before you is the product of many years of research. Ships with which we conquered the Galaxy timeless ages ago were merely prototypes compared with these. Yes, yes,” Norbert continued in a harassed voice, “we appreciate that technology moves on, and these may simply now be vintage models, but you know how it is with civilisations... many times have they risen and fallen, and from a highly developed society have returned to barbarism. If that is the case, as all our bio-processor modelling predicts, we leave these weapons for you, so that you may police the unruly galaxy with compassion and wisdom, and take your rightful place as the new and beautiful ruling elite. You are now worthy of the ultimate power the machines you see here will bring. Take it and use it wisely.”

  “Great,” said Vac evilly, “now let’s go and create the second biggest bang in history. I have a long list of people I owe a few things.”

  The Skagans spread into the cavern, and started fiddling with knobs, levers, and valves. Vac called his people back together as the stragglers from the hall found their way down to join them. He outlined his plans, and instructed them to get into the ships. There was a bit of a scuffle, as the Skagans chose groups to crew each ship, who wanted to fly with who, where they sat, and who had the window seats, but presently they were all strapped into the luxurious seating in their respective cockpits. All the necessary controls were worked by thumping small pictures on the consoles, so there was no learning curve for them to fly the craft.

  Vac kicked a button featuring a symbol of the ship with sparks at its rear. He watched, his arms folded, as the top section of the silo slid sideways, along with the trees, lakes, streams, meadows and surprised herbivore. The roof of the cavern glittered distantly above, and then that likewise slid out of the way, revealing the twinkling stars of the night sky.

  Vac glanced round his crew–Tanda, his new bodyguards, Groat and Spigot, and the outlander girl. He gave them a grin and kicked the console again. The fleet leaped out of the silo in a column of fire, and plunged into ultra-space at speeds that up until then had been mathematically proved unattainable.

  The Future

  In which Tom investigates progress

  T

  om was standing beside Kara in the Cylinder, and shifting his gaze back and forth between her cleavage and the movements of her hands over the control console.

  “Do tell me, what’s going on. We’ve solved the mystery of JWSU, and the wrong deliveries. The Magus is happy, and on his way, so can I go back home?”

  “So you’ve got over losing Suzanne?”

  “Who?”

  Kara smiled. She had given Tom a shot of a chemical, which blocked certain memories from his mind. She had also tranquillised him for several days, so she could get on with her research, without him asking all those stupid questions. In consequence, after the repose, he was more like his old self—worse luck, she noted as his eyes followed her body across the cylinder.

  “Look, Two-Dan, please help me; I really am trying to save the galaxy.” She pretended to blink away a tear.

  “I thought all that’s sorted. I did the thing with the Mucronns, and we don’t have to worry about Bluben. The galaxy is safe already, isn’t it?”

  “Are you still speaking Smorg?”

  Tom shrugged. “So?”

  “No, the galaxy is not safe. The people behind JWSU are the real problem.”

  “Tough. I want to go home... ugh.”

  Kara had leapt at Tom, and knocked him to the ground. She sat on him, holding him tightly by the lapels.

  “Let me go. I’ve never hit a woman in my life, so don’t make me start, now...”

  “Give it a try, macho-man.”

  Tom struggle
d. “Where do you get that strength from? I suppose, if that’s what you want. My body is yours.” He relaxed and tried to force his hand under her skirt. Kara grabbed it and twisted it painfully.

  “And none of that... yet. You’re going to help me, you primate, whatever you say!”

  “Okay, okay. Let go, for Ford’s sake.”

  The grip relaxed slightly.

  “Look,” said Tom, enjoying the feeling of her warm body pressing him down, “all I’ve seen is a few blobs of jelly and a big forest. There’s nothing yet to convince me anything’s wrong. For all I know, it could be you who’s the danger, and not them. And then where would we be, if I were to help you?”

  Kara looked thoughtful, so Tom took the opportunity to slide his hands up and down her thighs. Her skin was like velvet but the muscles underneath felt like steel.

  “Oh all right, then,” she muttered, climbing off his prone body. “If you are going to start thinking at last, I suppose that I could give you some explanations. We’ll take a little detour in time to a few places you might recognise. First stop Skagos.”

  “Not again. We’ve only just left.”

  “Same place, one hundred possible years in the future.”

  * * *

  “Landed,” said Kara, as the humming stopped. Tom opened the door and stepped out on to the planet. Instantly, he collapsed choking in heavy brown vapour. He crawled sightlessly on parched barren earth, trying to find his way back to the cylinder. Kara pulled him inside, and he gasped clean air again. “There is an atmosphere lock on the door,” she smiled. “That air you tried to breathe is a mixture of helium, nitrous oxide, sulphur dioxide, and frying bacon, amongst other things, by-products of the mineral extraction process the Consortium is using.”

  “Quack, quack, giggle.” Tom said, as the gases affected his vocal chords. “I feel hungry.”

  “Here, have something to clear your lungs.” She placed a mask over his face, and slapped a short metal tube into his hands. “Wear this catalytic converter if you want to go out.”