The Legend of Dan

by Robert Wingfield

  “You dozed off a little while ago.”

  “So we understand.”

  “The tree you went to sleep under, probably in conjunction with the water you drank, opened up a time corridor.”

  “I know that, but it seemed that we were away only a short while. Mind you, we were told the corridor wasn’t that accurate with its time placement.”

  Kara smiled, irritatingly. “We have certainly followed you through time. Finding your buggy and things scattered around, I guessed it might be a time portal. We only needed to remain where we were in space, and I moved the cylinder forward in time, until you reappeared, this two million years later.”

  “My Ford,” said Tom, “Old Brad was not understating.”

  “Brad?” Kara regarded him suspiciously. “So where exactly did you go?”

  “The End of Time,” said Tom.

  “Very nice.” Kara sneered. “Of course you did. Did you bring me a stick of rock?”

  “We got these.” Tom fished out his presentation box and opened it. The Star flashed and sparkled in the sunlight.

  “Not rock then.” A strange light seemed to come into Kara’s eyes. “That’ll have to do. Hand it over.”

  “Not bleedin’ likely.” Tom shut the box with a snap.

  Kara grinned and climbed to her feet. “You’re learning. Come on. We have to go back in time to right after you left, and restart it all. There is a galaxy to save, you know.”

  “Do we really need to?” Tom hesitated. “I mean, it doesn’t seem to have been destroyed yet, and we are far into the future as you say.”

  “We can’t take that risk. It may be that the only reason there is anything now, is that our interference was actually required.”

  “Alternately, what happens if it’s here, now, as a result of us not meddling?”

  “No, Time and History doesn’t work like that. Trust me I’m a Gynoid of Time. I know what I’m doing.”

  “Now I am worried,” muttered Suzanne.

  Tom sighed. “I suppose we should do our best. It’s only that all this jumping about through time and space is doing my head in.”

  “Actually, I really don’t know what’s bothering you. Time is purely relative,” Kara sat down again, “and any attempt at measuring it is a complete waste of whatever it is.”

  Tanda groaned, and put her head in her hands. “Don’t start her on this issue. We’ve had two million years of it so far.”

  “Time,” continued Kara, ignoring the heckling, “is something which has been contrived by the Management to make people feel uneasy during their working day. This is another reason why we chose you, Two-Dan: your dedicated inability to conform to the standard process of good timekeeping.”

  “We, you keep saying ‘we’. Does this mean there are more of you lot out there? Ford help us.”

  “Have you never noticed,” Kara continued without answering Tom’s question, “how, some days, time really starts to drag, whereas on others, no sooner have you arrived at the pub than it is ‘last orders’? That’s all because what you might call ‘time’ speeds and slows, ebbs and flows. It really doesn’t matter where you are in Time, because everywhere is everywhere else.” She cleared her throat and sang out, “We’re all everywhere and nowhere baby, that’s where we’re at.”

  “No,” said Tom. “I don’t see your logic, or your song31. I’m thirsty, and I’m bored with this conversation. What I really want to know is where my next ale is going to come from.”

  “Be quiet, I need to make my point.”

  Tom snorted. “I’m not listening.”

  Kara continued, despite losing her audience. “Another example for you is all that dangerous driving on the way to work. Would it really be necessary if there were no fixed time to arrive? Would people worry if they were late for appointments, if there was no measurement of lateness? No, I put it to you that any attempt to quantify time is a sacrilege against all life-forms and a gross insult to boot. What have you got to say to that?”

  “What a load of baloney.” said Tom.

  “What?”

  Vac cut in. “We have those on Skagos. It’s a cross between a balloon and a coney, isn’t it: a blow-up rabbit?” The others looked at him incredulously. “So I’d heard,” he mumbled, looking embarrassed.

  “You’re quite right, Two-Dan,” grinned Kara, “but we haven’t the time, or whatever it is, to discuss it in any length; there’s a universe to save. The cylinder is now ready for departure; let’s get down to it!”

  “Great!” said Vac, drooling at Suzanne.

  “If you really want to,” said Suzanne, not noticing his expression.

  “Can we stop at a pub on the way?” Tom’s thoughts had been diverted by a vivid image that had popped into his head, of a pint of ale, sparkling invitingly on a pedestal. Then he noticed that Vac had his trousers around his ankles, and was attempting to drag a shrieking, struggling Suzanne to her feet.

  “Leave her alone!” He leapt up to put a savage arm-lock on the hampered Vac. “Oh dear.” The arm he chose was the one the machine had replaced. It was part organic, but mostly mechanical. Vac disentangled himself from the lock, and Tom was flung away. Without thinking, he went into a backward roll and was on his feet again, getting a flying kick into Vac’s stomach before he could pull his trousers back on. The Skagan reeled backwards, winded, and crumpled up.

  Suzanne put an extra kick into his ribs as he went down. “That’ll teach you, you moron,” she said. “Now stay down.”

  The two men sat glowering at each other across the purple grass. Vac rubbed his neck, pulled up his trousers and produced a blaster.

  “No!” Tanda leapt between them. “Vac, no!”

  Tom got slowly to his feet, his eyes not leaving the big man for an instant.

  “Stop it!” shouted Kara. “Vac, put the gun down, now.”

  “Don’t be a bad loser,” said Tanda, poking him on the shoulder.

  “Skagans do not lose.” Vac pushed the woman roughly out of the way. “Want to have a quick reconsideration as to the ownership of the lady?” An evil smile played around his lips. “I told you this wasn’t finished.”

  Tom steeled himself, glancing desperately around for a weapon, or escape route.

  “Can't you get it into your thick skull, Vac,” shouted Suzanne, “I don’t want you! Now leave him alone.”

  “Listen to what she’s saying, meathead.” said Kara. “Tanda’s the one for you. Go and start rebuilding the perfect Skagan race, instead of trying to breed with an ugly, substandard alien... no offence, Suzanne.”

  “None taken.”

  Vac stared long and hard at Tom’s expression, and then laughed. He put the gun back in its holster, and regarded the dirt under his nails. “All right friend, she’s yours,” he said. “If you’re prepared to die for a shag, you can’t be all bad. Sex and death. All you need to go for is the glory, and you might even make it as a Skagan.”

  Tanda gave a squeak of surprise, and put down the rock she had been about to brain him with. Suzanne clapped.

  “I should keep it in the species, I suppose.” Vac threw a smug backwards glance at Tom, and put his arm round Tanda’s waist. “Come on then, bitch, let’s start the come-back.”

  Tanda protested, but it seemed to Tom that she did not object too much, as Vac propelled her behind some bushes.

  “And then we should go,” said Kara. “They won’t be long.”

  A long while passed, but Vac and Tanda did not reappear. The others stood around, kicking stones, and trying not to listen to the wheezes and grunts coming from inside the foliage.

  “Do you think we should help?” ventured Tom.

  “I think they can manage by themselves,” said Kara.

  “No, I meant, make sure Tanda is okay.”

  “If anyone needs rescuing, it will be Vac,” said Kara with a grin. “He will shout for help if he needs it.”

  Suzanne was rummaging a
round in the cylinder looking for a hairbrush, when a bell sounded close by her ear. “Phoist!” she said, “they’ve even got the grooming equipment wired up with alarms.”

  An agitated Kara appeared in the doorway. “The ship is under attack,” she shouted.

  “Take cover!” Tom ran and cowered behind the tree, looking out for powerful spaceships, spitting fiery laser-bolt death, and laying waste to that entire section of the galaxy. Nothing happened.

  He emerged slowly to confront Kara, who was standing beside the cylinder with her arms folded, mentally tapping her foot. “No, you idiot,” she said, “The attack is coming via the navigation system. Someone is trying to stop the ship from relocating.”

  Tom followed her into the cylinder, and watched as she reset the alarm so that they could hear themselves shout. She fiddled with a few more controls, and the screen lit up with her own face.

  “Hi there,” it said, “this is Kara-Tay, or rather it isn’t...”

  She grunted, and erased the picture. It was replaced by a stern, but good-looking, military man. “Oh, so there you are,” he said. “As you have probably noticed by now, we have managed to break into the Mind Channels, and are at this very moment systematically jamming the whole matrix. In a short while, you will be unable to use your ship at all, and then we will come and blast you to pieces.”

  “One moment,” said Kara. “If you are going to blast us to pieces, why bother telling us this first. I mean, doesn’t that somewhat lose the element of surprise?”

  “Good point,” said the Military. “I knew there was something else I had to mention. Where are my notes? Ah yes, here. Now according to my orders, you may be allowed to live, if you share the secret of the drive and weapons systems for the Skagan ships. We need to use them for our own...” He paused and stared beyond Kara. “Hey, is that Two-Dan with you? You are a legend in Consortium records. Honoured to meet you, sir.”

  “Likewise,” said Tom. “So we could come to some arrangement?”

  “Most certainly,” said the Military. “You give us the plans, and we let you go about your business. We will, of course, confiscate the time ship. You will be dropped off in a time and place of your choosing, and leave us to do the running of the galaxy, and all that boring stuff. I’m sure you’ll be glad to let us worry about that sort of thing. Now, I really wouldn’t advise relocating. We have jammed the channels, except for those leading directly into the odd black hole.”

  “So we have a choice of get blasted to pieces, or give you the plans and then get blasted to pieces...”

  “As if we would. You have my word.”

  “Give us some time to think about it.” Kara disconnected the link. She glanced around at her crew. “I expect that the word is ‘annihilate’. I don’t trust him, but he means it about the relocating. The alarm was to warn us not to move without checking that the Mind Channels were clear.” She stared at Tom, her mouth twisted in a strange smile. “Okay Two-Dan, you’re the hero. Shall we surrender, or are you going to get us out of this mess, which is probably your fault, nonetheless?”

  “Unfair, unfair,” said Tom. “Whose war is this, really? There I was, minding my own business, offending nobody—well, maybe a few people: my wife, Social Security, the Taxman, my pub landlord, and most of my street—and suddenly I find myself whizzed about in space, and something you try to tell me isn’t time, totally out of control of my destiny, and now it’s all my fault after all.” His voice rose to a pathetic whine.

  “I’m glad you admit it,” said Kara. “Now, do we submit, and take our chances, or shall we die?”

  “Cobblers, to them,” said Tom. “They must be running short of power for their ships, if they are trying to bargain with us. Where can we hide until it’s all over?”

  “What about using our warship?” Tanda hastily rearranged her clothes, as she staggered into the cylinder. “It should be fully charged, after all this time connected to the bar gumball dispenser. We could perhaps use that.”

  “But if we go back in time, won’t it un-charge?”

  “Good point, Two-Dan. You are getting the hang of this, at last,” said Kara. “We will go back to the exact time when it became fully charged.” She checked the instruments, and nodded. “The mind channel back is still clear. It appears that they are blocking the ‘long-distance’ channels first, leaving the ‘long-time’ ones free. Let’s go.”

  The cylinder shimmered and vanished, reappearing a moment later to collect Vac, as he staggered back towards the ship.

  Annihilation

  In which everybody dies.

  A

  considerable length of ‘time’, for the sake of a better description, earlier, on a desolate purple plain, not so far away from where they had originally been, a shiny metal cylinder shimmered into view. A crew composed mainly of good-looking young ladies and tired-looking men, disembarked and made their way across the barren landscape, through the mist to a Skagan warship, cunningly hidden under roosting crows.

  The birds flapped away as the crew approached, but it took some time to chip through the guano, and clear the entrance hatch. Once that was open, and they climbed aboard, it soon became clear that the ship was fully operational.

  “There you are, metal woman,” said Vac to Kara. “You don’t need that flying bean-can. We can get anywhere we want in this.”

  “All I need is to track down where the Mind Channels are being jammed from, and for you to destroy it.”

  “A mission,” said Vac, rubbing his hands together. “It will do for a start. The Skagans are back.”

  “So we can go anywhere? We have enough power?” Tanda strapped herself into the seat beside Vac.

  “According to the indicator with a fat little man on it, the ship is fully charged. The rest of you, strap yourselves in, we’re going for a ride.”

  Vac kicked the ignition button. The ship leapt upwards, creating a huge fireball, as the remains of the guano burnt off.

  Eventually, the acceleration reduced and Kara leaned forward, holding her head in her hands. “I’d forgotten what ‘G’ forces were like,” she said, doing up her dress, and covering parts which should probably not have been on display.

  “It’s lovely,” said Tom. “This is my first real trip into space, you know. What’s that mass of silvery asteroids out there called?”

  “There shouldn’t be any asteroids out there!” Tanda checked the charts of the area, and then cross-examined the long-range scanners. “Phoist, that’s a Consortium fleet.”

  “There’s one over here, too,” said Kara.

  “And another one in front,” said Vac, “I think we have a problem.”

  “You have,” said a military-sounding voice from the console. “Thank you for falling into our trap. We could, of course, have had no idea where you actually were in the Mind Channels, so we left one of them open, letting you eventually come to us instead.”

  “Military intelligence?” said Tom. “That’s really quite cunning, and means I’m going to have to rewrite my oxymoron list.”

  “Don’t remove it yet,” muttered Kara, “it’s the first time ever from this lot.”

  “Look, cut the crap,” interjected the Military. “Hand Two-Dan and the ship over to us, and you will go free... all except him that is. He will be processed and then vaporised.”

  “Why do you need Two-Dan,” said Tom. “We do have Vac, last and greatest leader of the Skagans on board, you know. You don’t need Two-Dan at all, if you have him.”

  Vac straightened in his seat and made a show of buffing his nails. “Quite right; I’m a much more valuable prize. By the way, I thought we had destroyed all your spacecraft.”

  “We weren’t very happy about that, you know. We’ve had to borrow our replacements from the ‘Federation’ in the next galaxy. They are charging us an arm and two-thousand legs for this one, and the controls are a real bugger to get used to.”

  “Sorry about that,” said Vac. “It
must be a bind. Anyway, here I am. Do your worst, if you can find out how to fire the weapons, that is.”

  “No, sir, Two-Dan is who we want,” said the Military. “The rest of you are nothing to us.”

  “I feel insulted,” said Vac, “but I can live with it. Right, Tanda, hand Two-Dan over, and let’s be on our way. Don’t be difficult,” he said, as Tom fended off the Skagan girl.

  “Never,” said Kara, breaking the link. “Leave him, Tanda. If the Consortium wants Dan that badly, rather than you or me, he must be extremely valuable.”

  “It could be a ploy,” ventured Tom, hopefully. “And what about him wanting the ship, and the plans for the drive, and all that. Has he forgotten? I’m confused now.”

  “Pah.” Vac was undoing his seat belt. “You go.”

  “Sit down, Vac,” said Kara. “Think about it. Who knows what the galaxy is in for if we hand Dan over? And, I’m sorry to say that he’s right about the technology too. There might be something other than rabbits inside that head of his.”

  “You insult me.” Tom dropped the carrot he was chewing.

  “Or they could want him for some devious breeding programme, where he will be rogered to death in the name of science.32”

  “Hey,” said Tom and Suzanne together, possibly for different reasons.

  “Vac, you’re driving,” continued Kara. “Head for the smallest group. We must be able to break through, and make a run for it, before they realise. From what he’s saying, it looks like they are using kit borrowed from those crustaceans, the Quadrillipods. All the controls are designed for multi-legged operation.”

  “Even so, we haven’t a chance,” said Vac. “I still say we should let them have Two-Dan, and save ourselves. Tanda and I have a race of beautiful warriors to rebuild, so we can reconquer. Being dead won’t help in that area.”

  “In that case, I think you may be right.” Kara sighed. “It looks like the only solution. Let’s parley, and talk about giving him up.”