Torn (Summer In Winter)

by C. J. Scott

  "Fucking hell! Nothing goes right in this fucking place."

  "It doesn't matter," I said. "It wasn't going to work anyway."

  He leaned back against the sink and crossed his ankles. His glare pinned me to the spot. "You're still here?"

  "Like a bad smell," I joked in a lame attempt to find purchase on shaky ground. I wasn't used to Ryder being like this. I wasn't used to anyone being like this. Gran could be prickly, but she was never mean.

  "What do you want, Jane?"

  I shrugged. "Nothing. I wanted to welcome you home."

  "This isn't my home anymore."

  Out of all the things he'd said so far, that was the one that hurt the most. Ryder had definitely moved on from Winter. From me. I should have expected it, should have seen it coming from the lack of communication in the last couple of years. But I'd held onto a dumb, naive hope. Now that hope was smashed into smithereens along with the phone.

  I clenched my jaw hard and bent down to hide the tears welling in my eyes. I picked up the pieces of the phone and dropped them into the trash. The lid closed with a bang.

  "So you won't be staying long," I said.

  "No."

  "How long?"

  "I don't know."

  I blew out a breath and peeked at him. He was looking down at his bare feet so I got a chance to study him properly. He'd filled out a little more in the shoulders and upper arms, making him one impressively athletic specimen. His T-shirt could barely contain all those muscles.

  He looked up suddenly, catching me staring. His top lip curled into a sneer. "Go on. Take a good look. I know you want to, Jane."

  Oh God. Was I that obvious? Had he always known I'd wanted him? Even back in school?

  He laughed. It was harsh and cold. Ryder never laughed like that. This was not him. I could see that now. This was an imposter. The Ryder Cavanagh I knew must be buried inside somewhere, wanting to get out. It was up to me to help him.

  "Why are you being like this?" My voice was as small as I felt, but he heard it.

  "Being like what? Real?" He grunted. "This is me, Jane. This is who I am. That kid you knew…he's gone."

  "Gone where?"

  "Jesus, do I have to spell it out to you? You never used to be this stupid."

  "And you were never this much of an asshole," I spat.

  There was a moment, just a small, insignificant moment, where his lips parted and his eyes widened. But it was gone in the time it took to blink, replaced by another sneer and another horrible laugh. "Good girl. Looks like you learned to swear while I was gone."

  I swallowed my response. Telling him to shut up or grow up, or any of the things I wanted to was just going to fuel the beast inside him and make everything worse. Maybe, just maybe, I could salvage something good from this reunion. Something that gave me hope that the Ryder I knew was still in there.

  I tried an innocuous question. "What's your dad doing on the roof?"

  He dragged his hand through his hair. "Fixing broken tiles."

  "Should he be up there without a harness?"

  "Why don't you ask him that?"

  I bit the inside of my lip. So much for innocuous. Maybe I should just try direct instead. "I read about your torn ligament."

  "Did you?" he said idly.

  "Uh-huh. I've been following your career ever since you left."

  His head jerked up and a flicker of surprise passed across his face before it vanished, replaced by bored nonchalance. "Don't believe everything you read."

  "So you're not injured?"

  He snorted, but didn't answer.

  "How long will you be out for?"

  "You sound like the fucking reporters."

  I closed my hands into fists and dug my fingernails into my palms. "Ryder, what's wrong? Why are you so angry?"

  He pushed off from the sink and came up to me. He leaned down so that our faces were inches apart. "This is how I am now, Jane." He stabbed his chest with his finger. "Yeah, I've changed. I'm not that naive fucking idiot I was when I left here. You'd better get used to it. You and Dad."

  His gaze lowered to my lip where a drop of his spittle had landed. Once, I would have hoped he'd wipe it off. Now I just wanted him to take a step back, out of my space. I wiped my lip myself and swallowed heavily.

  He turned away and leaned both hands on the sink. His head slumped forward. "Go home, Jane," he said, his voice choked.

  The hint of remorse hurt me more than any of his nasty words had. My heart swelled. Something was deeply wrong with Ryder, and he needed me to get to the bottom of it.

  I touched his shoulder. "Ryder—"

  "I said, go home!" He shoved my hand away and strode out of the kitchen. "I don't need your fucking goody-two-shoes attitude."

  The next thing I heard were his footsteps running up the stairs. Running, not limping. He definitely wasn't injured. So why had the media got it wrong?

  And what had happened to turn Ryder into such a jerk?

  I left through the back door and ran down the stairs and away from the house. I didn't want to pass Mr. Cavanagh. I didn't want him to see me crying and shaking because his son had said the most awful things to me. I'd never cried over Ryder until today. It sucked. My heart hurt. My head spun and the tears just wouldn't stop no matter how much I tried or how hard I ran.

  I didn't know what to think. It was all so messed up and wrong. All I knew was my virginity was going to be safe from Ryder after all, and that made me miserable.

  CHAPTER 4

  "Something's wrong," I told my friends the next day over lunch.

  "Sure is," Kate shot back. "Ryder shouldn't speak to you like that."

  Kate, Beth and I sat in the Winter Warmer diner, our burgers untouched. They listened to me tell them what had happened the day before at the Cavanagh house. I left none of it out, even though it put Ryder in a bad light. I wasn't sure he deserved to be cast as the villain, but I needed to tell them. Their opinion mattered to me.

  "No, I mean something must be wrong with Ryder. He wouldn't act that way without good reason."

  Beth shook her head. "Stop defending him, Jane. There is no good reason for him, or anyone, to say what he said to you. Period."

  "But it's not like him."

  "People change," Kate said with a shrug.

  "Not so dramatically. They don't go from wonderful to scumbag in three years for no reason."

  "Okay, here's the thing." Beth pushed her plate aside and folded her arms on the table. "You say there had to be a reason, but I say there doesn't have to be something specific that's changed him."

  "That's right," Kate chimed in. "He's gone from small town hero to big city idol, and that would affect most people. He's the team pin-up boy. He's on TV and radio every other week, in the papers, everywhere."

  "I don't think you can put it down to extra attention from the media and fans." I picked up my burger and took a big bite. Frank, the diner's cook, made awesome burgers. They were comfort food for me, and had been ever since tasting my first one. I'd been six and my father had brought me to the diner to get a milkshake while he ate a burger. Only he'd started talking and I'd grown bored so I'd taken a bite when he wasn't looking. The love affair was still going strong fifteen years later.

  "It's not just the public attention," Kate went on. "The really great football stars get treated like gods by their coaches too. Their egos get stroked daily. They get told how amazing they are, how the team can't function without them. I've seen it happen. A nice guy starts out as a freshman on a football scholarship and by the time he graduates, he's an asshole. They think they're God's gift to women and sport because everyone surrounding them tells them that."

  Beth nodded, her mouth full of burger.

  I wasn't convinced. Ryder didn't have a big ego to start with and he wouldn't believe all the hype. He was too level-headed.

  "You don't know him anymore, Jane." It was as if Kate had read my thoughts. "Three years is a long time and a lot has happened in his l
ife since he left here."

  Beth swallowed and set her burger down. "I think you need to come to terms with it and move on."

  Easy for them to say. They hadn't been in love with the same guy for years. "It might have something to do with him not being injured."

  "What do you mean? I thought he tore a muscle or ligament or something."

  "He's not limping, there's no crutches or bandages," I said. "He looked fine to me." Mighty fine in fact.

  "How bizarre," Kate said. "Why would the story be put out that he's injured?"

  "Maybe he had a falling out with the team. That could also explain his changed attitude too."

  "Stop giving him excuses, Jane."

  "I'm not. I'm just…" I sighed. Okay, I was excusing him and I shouldn't. But it was hard not to when I knew Ryder so well. There had to be something behind his weird behavior.

  Then again maybe they were right and Ryder being the college football star had boosted his ego too much. Maybe he was just too big now for little old Winter and boring old me. I sighed again and pushed my plate away.

  Beth eyed my burger. "You're not going to eat that?"

  "I'm not hungry."

  "Can I have it?"

  "Sure. Why not? Eat whatever you want. You never put on weight anyway. Not like me. I can already feel the single bite I took sliding down to my hips."

  "You're not—"

  "I don't know why I care. I've got no one to be skinny for now. Not that I ever was. None of the diets ever worked. Looks like I starved myself for nothing anyway." I pulled the plate back, picked up the burger and took another bite. "So what if I blow up like a blimp," I said around my food. Gran would have a fit if she saw me speaking with my mouth full, but I didn't care. "I'll waddle around Winter and people will say 'Oh look, there goes poor Jane Merriweather. Hasn't she let herself go'. And Ryder will say, 'I dodged a bullet there. A really fat bullet.'"

  "Jane," Kate said, her eyes brimming with sympathy.

  I couldn't look at her. Couldn't look at either of them. It wasn't their fault they were both thin, but I'd made it sound like I envied them. Sometimes I did. Not always, but definitely sometimes. I put the burger back down and pushed the plate away again.

  "Have you finished with the pity party?" Beth asked, crossing her arms and arching her brows at me.

  I rested my elbows on the table and buried my face in my hands. "I'm sorry."

  "You don't have anything to apologize for. Ryder does."

  "You're allowed to wallow," Kate said.

  "Just for a short while."

  "Then you've got to pick yourself up and move on."

  "We'll help you."

  "Of course we will."

  They made it sound like it was merely a matter of assisting me to cross the road. They were trying to be good friends, so I didn't tell them to go away and leave me to wallow on my own. Besides, I didn't want to be on my own. That would lead to thinking about how nasty Ryder had been, and I definitely didn't want to do that. What I needed was a distraction. I didn't have a shift at Hearth & Home for another two days. Maybe there was something I could do around the house.

  One of the girls gave a short gasp. The other swore. I looked up and saw what they'd seen. Ryder entered the Winter Warmer. He took one look at the three of us, nodded once in acknowledgement, then strode up to the counter where Molly greeted him with a friendly smile.

  "Wow, that's all we get?" Beth whispered. "A nod?"

  "I see what you mean about the injury," Kate said, not bothering to lower her voice. "Not even a slight limp."

  Ryder must have heard her, but he didn't look around. His shoulders squared slightly, but otherwise there was no indication that he cared.

  "So why come back to Winter?" she went on. She was deliberately provoking him, trying to get a reaction. "Why set foot in a place he doesn't like, and see people he's tried hard to forget?"

  "Kate," I hissed. "Stop it."

  "Maybe there was a scandal."

  "If there was, we'd have heard about it," Beth muttered.

  "Not if it's been covered up."

  He turned around. Slowly. Deliberately. He leaned back against the counter and gave Kate a glare that could have frozen the river. "I never said I didn't like this place, and I've never wanted to forget anyone here." His gaze flicked to me, but it was so quick, so fleeting, that afterward I wondered if I'd imagined it.

  "How's the leg?" Kate asked.

  "How does it look?" he shot back.

  "Fine to me. So what's wrong with you?"

  He gave her a sardonic smile. Behind him, Molly shook her head in warning, but Kate was on a roll. She wouldn't stop until she got an answer.

  "Depends on who you ask," he said. "And what you believe." He turned around again, but Kate wasn't finished.

  "Not good enough, Ryder. We deserve a proper answer."

  He barked out a laugh. "You deserve an answer? Why you? What does my life have to do with you, Kate? Or Beth or Jane?"

  "Jane cares about you."

  Shut up! But I stayed silent, too stunned to speak and too red in the face to want anyone to look at me. Thank God Ryder had his back to us or I might have died in my seat.

  "You're wrong, Kate," he said.

  "What?" she said, looking to us and shrugging.

  "She doesn't care, she just wants to fuck me. Don't you, Jane?"

  Molly covered her mouth with her hands. Kate and Beth both stared at him, their faces bright shades of pink. I sat in my chair, not moving, not breathing. Maybe if I stayed very still, everyone would forget I was there. Or I could slink out and be far away from the diner before they noticed I was gone. God, how I wanted to be far away from them all. Far away from Ryder.

  How long had he known? Had he worked it out only yesterday? Or had he known ever since we were fourteen years old?

  Molly recovered first. She thrust out a hip and pointed a finger at him. "Don't you use that language in my diner, Ryder Cavanagh. I don't care who you are. And anyway, what would your father say if he heard you speaking like that?"

  He didn't answer her.

  Kate took my hand and squeezed. Her eyes twinkled and I silently groaned. I knew that look. It meant she wasn't going to let him get away with humiliating me. "You're wrong, Ryder. Jane doesn't want anything from you anymore. She's got a boyfriend. He's a really wonderful guy. Someone who adores her—"

  "Since when has that ever stopped a girl from throwing herself at me?" He pushed off from the counter and strode to the door.

  Kate and Beth stared at him, both finally rendered speechless. I looked down at me plate, not wanting to risk my hot face being seen by him. I'm sure he wasn't looking my way anyway, but it was safer not to tempt fate.

  "What about your order?" Molly called after him.

  "Cancel it. I've lost my appetite." He left, slamming the door behind him. The open/closed sign flipped and the blind slats covering the window rattled.

  I didn't look up until Kate sucked air between her teeth and Beth said, "That's gotta hurt."

  I peeked out the window and saw Ryder stepping into his car. The bus stop sign was shaking. "What'd he do?"

  "Hit the sign with the flat of his hand."

  "I hope he broke a bone," Kate said. "What an asshole!"

  "You all right, pet?" Molly came up to me, clicking her tongue. "He's lucky there was no one else in here, or that Frank didn't hear him. He'd make Ryder apologize."

  It was a sweet thought, but we all knew Frank couldn't make Ryder do anything. Frank was getting old, but, like most of the Winter townsfolk of their age, he and Molly still thought of us as kids they could scold.

  "Just wait till I tell his father," she muttered, walking back to the counter. "He'll be livid."

  "Why'd you tell him I have a boyfriend?" I asked Kate.

  "Because there's no way I'm letting him think you're desperate for him. It only feeds his ego."

  "I'm not," I said. "Not anymore. You're right. He's changed too much. That dis
play just killed any feelings I ever had for him."

  So why did I feel like a traitor for saying that? Why did I feel like I was drowning in a deep, dark well? And why did I want to unravel the last three years of Ryder's life and find out what the hell had happened to turn him into such a pig?

  CHAPTER 5

  If there's one thing Beth and Kate were good at, it was makeovers. It was thanks to them that I'd looked great on prom night. They knew what clothes suited my figure and how I should do my hair, although I was beginning to worry that they were going a little too far with the makeup.

  "It's the middle of the day," I said, screwing my face up at my reflection in the dressing table mirror. "Lipstick is fine for a night out, but not visiting my sixty year-old neighbor."

  "Leave it on just in case Ryder's there," Kate said. "If you insist on going up to the house then you're going to make him want you bad."

  I rolled my eyes. Kate was sweet, but she was delusional if she thought I could make Ryder want me by dressing in a short skirt and low-cut top. "I'll be avoiding Ryder."

  "What if you can't?"

  "Then I'll come home again." I would have called Mr. Cavanagh and asked him to tea, but the phone wasn't connected yet.

  Beth put the lid on the lipstick and handed me a tissue. "Dab some of it off but not too much. Look, Sweetie, if nothing else, this'll make you feel better about yourself."

  I cocked my head to the side and studied my reflection. I suppose my hair did look nice in the messy up-do, and I liked the way my face seemed thinner with the hint of blush on my cheeks. I kissed the tissue and my lips didn't look quite as red. It wasn't so bad.

  "I'm still not sure going over there is a good idea," Kate said. "Want me to come with you? Or Beth?"

  "I've got to get home," Beth said.

  "And you promised to help Ben with the painting today," I told Kate. "Don't worry about me. If I know Ryder, he'll want to avoid me right now as much as I want to avoid him." I'd been thinking about his tirade in the diner ever since leaving. The old Ryder would have been embarrassed to say those things, and I was positive that the old Ryder was still in there somewhere. He may not be ready to apologize for his words just yet, but he must regret saying them.