Torn (Summer In Winter)

by C. J. Scott

  His face had gotten whiter and whiter during my outburst. He stood there like a perfect marble statue, beautiful but deathly pale. I tore my gaze away. I couldn't look at him anymore because I'd just registered what I'd said in my tirade: I'd told him I loved him. I wished like mad that I could take it back, but I couldn't.

  Dumb didn't even begin to describe me.

  "Jane—"

  "I told you not to talk to me." I kicked the sand over the indentations made by our bodies. I didn't want a visual reminder of what we'd done. Then I strode off toward the path. I had to stop to put my sandals on and I half expected he'd call out to me again, maybe come after me, but he didn't. Part of me was disappointed, but not all, surprisingly.

  I didn't look back. I didn't want to ruin the effect of storming off. Damn, it felt good. So did swearing.

  For about a minute. Then I felt awful. It was like being hit by truck. The tears that I'd managed to keep at bay by yelling suddenly burst out of me. I stumbled along the path, sobbing the rest of the way home. I ran past Kate and Ben and took two stairs at a time up to my room. I closed the door and locked it so Kate wouldn't come in. I didn't even make it to the bed, but leaned back against the door and slid down it until I was sitting on the floor in a puddle of my own tears.

  CHAPTER 8

  I couldn't avoid both Beth and Kate for long. Not if I wanted my bedroom door to remain whole. They knocked so hard I worried they'd punch a hole through the wood. Thankfully Ben remained downstairs, painting, and Gran was blissfully unaware of my dramas with Ryder.

  "Oh, sweetie," Beth said upon seeing me. I must have looked a sight with my swollen, red eyes and nose. Crying always made me resemble a victim of severe allergies.

  "Bastard," Kate spat.

  I didn't have the heart to disagree with her. She was right. Ryder had changed irrevocably. The guy he had been, the guy I fell in love with, was never coming back.

  Beth put her arm around me and drew me into a hug. "Tell us what he did."

  I couldn't do it. The pain was too raw, my heart too sore. Putting what he'd done into words would make the hurt worse and I told them so.

  They exchanged glances, and I felt bad. They worried about me, and I loved them for that. At least there was some news I could give them, something they'd both be happy to hear.

  "It's not all grim," I said, taking another tissue from the box beside my bed. "My infatuation with Ryder has gone. Dead. It's time to bury it so that it stays dead."

  "What do you mean, 'bury it?'" Kate said, sitting on my other side.

  "I mean I'm not waiting for him to fall in love with me anymore. I'm moving on." He'd once told me I had no purpose, and he was right. I thought he'd been wrong, that my purpose was to wait for him so that we could be together eventually. That purpose sucked. It had gotten me a broken heart and too many wasted years. "It's time to do something for me now, something that's going to get me through the next few years of my life. Something I might enjoy."

  Kate hugged me. "Good for you. I'm so proud of you, Jane."

  Beth threw up her hands. "What is it? Why does Kate know what your new purpose is and I don't?"

  "It's the house, Dumbass," Kate said, laughing.

  Beth's eyebrows crept up her forehead. "Oh! You're going to turn this place into a B&B like Ben suggested."

  "If Gran's okay with it," I said.

  They both looked to the door and sighed at the same time. Yeah, I totally understood. Gran would be the sticking point.

  ***

  I wallowed in my bedroom for the rest of the day. I may have decided to move on, but the decision was the easy part. Mentally, it was tougher. Ryder had occupied my thoughts and hopes for years. It was hard shoving those aside, especially when I was still reeling from his actions down at the river. Although there was no pain from our intercourse, it was like I could still feel him there, inside me. Weird. Not totally unpleasant, although the extra reminder of what we'd done sucked. I didn't need any more.

  To my surprise, I didn't regret losing my virginity to him, not even after I'd calmed down the following day and could look at it in a clearer light. It was almost as if losing it was a part of the process of moving forward. Now I truly could begin my new life.

  I threw myself into working on the house. Ben and Kate had the painting under control, so I got to work on clearing out the rooms at the back. They'd been used as storage for years, and there was stuff in there covered in inch-thick dust. The process of sorting things into piles of 'Keep', 'Maybe' and 'Trash' was cathartic. It also gave me time to consider how I wanted the house to look for paying guests. By the end of the second day, I had written down some ideas. All I needed to do was talk to Gran.

  However, it was Gran who sought me out. She found me in the spare bedroom at the end of the corridor. There was no bed in it, just boxes and boxes of stuff. I wasn't even sure what some of it was.

  "There you are," she said to me. Gran had a way of sounding like she was scolding when she wasn't. She pointed her walking stick at the items I'd laid out on the floor. "What's all this?"

  "I'm tidying up and clearing this room out."

  "Why?"

  "That's something I wanted to talk to you about. Can we go and sit in the drawing room?"

  "You haven't found more cousins, have you?"

  I laughed. "No."

  "You're with child?"

  "No!"

  Her fingers tightened around the head of the stick. "It hasn't been long enough for you to know for certain. Don't they teach you that in school these days?"

  I wasn't having this conversation with my grandmother. No way. How the hell did she know I'd had sex with Ryder anyway? "I'll make us a cup of tea," I said. "Go to the drawing room and I'll meet you there in a few minutes."

  "It would be all right if you are," she said, as I moved past her. "I wouldn't mind, as long as Ryder Cavanagh did the right thing and married you."

  "I'm not marrying Ryder Cavanagh," I ground out.

  "You will if I make him. He's a Cavanagh and they always do what we Merriweathers say."

  I swung round. "He's his own person, Gran. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Besides, the Cavanaghs don't have to do what the Merriweathers say anymore. Nobody does. We have no influence in Winter now."

  She sniffed. "Nonsense. If we weren't important we wouldn't be living in the best house."

  "It's falling down around us!"

  "If I held no influence, then James Bell wouldn't have released Ben into my care."

  I threw up my hands and stomped down the hall toward the stairs. Sometimes I wondered if she was delusional by choice or long ingrained habit.

  "If Ryder Cavanagh impregnated you and refuses to marry you, I'll have some words to say about it," she called after me. "Don't worry, dear, leave it to me. I'll set it right."

  "I'm not pregnant!"

  "There's no need to shout. I'm not deaf."

  I went into the kitchen and filled the kettle. Kate came in before I'd switched it on.

  "It's too early to tell," she said.

  I frowned. "What is?"

  "If you're pregnant."

  I gripped her shoulders and shook her. "Didn't you hear me? I'm not pregnant."

  "The whole state heard you." She gently pried my fingers off. "What I'm trying to tell you is, if you were pregnant, it would be too early to tell. If your next cycle—"

  "I know how it works, Kate. We used a condom."

  She leaned back against the table and blew out a breath. "That's okay then."

  "How did you know Ryder and I…?"

  "I'm your best friend. I just know."

  I pulled two cups and saucers out of the cupboard and set them on the bench. "Guess I should have just told you anyway. It's not like it's a big deal."

  She came up behind me and hugged me. "Of course it was a big deal. And you don't have to tell us that stuff if you don't want to. Keep it private, if you prefer. But if there's anything you need to ask, don
't be embarrassed. Beth and I will answer anything."

  "Okay. So why is Ryder such an asshole now?"

  She pulled back. "You just said asshole. Since when do you swear?"

  "Since Ryder ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped all over it. Sometimes only foul words will do where he's concerned."

  "Amen. As to your question, I can't answer it. We just have to accept that he's changed. The good guy isn't changing back."

  "I have accepted it. I'm also in the process of moving on." I dragged the teapot over and filled it with tea leaves. "I'm going to talk to Gran. Wish me luck."

  "Good luck."

  I made the tea and carried the cups and saucers into the drawing room where Gran sat in her usual deep-seated, high-backed chair.

  She accepted the cup and held it to her lips. "Do you think Ben will ask Kathryn Bell to marry him?" she asked.

  "It's a little too soon for that, Gran. And don't you dare pressure them. They need space and time to enjoy themselves and for Kate to finish her degree. Understand?"

  She sipped and placed the saucer down on the table beside her. "There was no waiting in my day. When we made up our minds to do something we just did it."

  "Things were easier back then for people of your background. Money and careers weren't a consideration. Gran, speaking of careers, I need a new one."

  "I agree. Shop girls are so common, and you, my dear, a Merriweather. We Merriweathers do not do common."

  "Why did you never tell me you thought that way about my job?"

  "I've been exercising restraint in the hopes you would come to the conclusion yourself. See, I can mind my own business when I want to."

  I smirked. I couldn't help it. Gran could be full of surprises. I blew on my tea and sipped.

  "Being Ryder's wife would be a marvelous career for you."

  I spat my mouthful of tea back into the cup.

  "You'd be very good at it," she went on, apparently oblivious to my stunned silence. "It would be fitting for the Merriweathers and Cavanaghs to be joined. I'm sure some would see it as lowering ourselves, but I don't. It's more us raising them up."

  She'd lost her mind. She must have. "Gran, when did I ever give you the idea I wanted to marry him?" It was true that I had wanted to, but I'd never told her that.

  "You didn't have to. I'm your grandmother and I'm a woman. I just know."

  I groaned. "Maybe I used to, but not anymore. Ryder isn't the guy for me. His coming home has shown me that."

  "Tosh. You just need time to get to know one another again. You'll see."

  I could argue with her for the rest of the day, but it would be no use. It was easier just to ignore her and change the subject. Although the alternative subject wasn't one I was keen to broach.

  "Gran, let's assume I'm not going to get married at all. To anyone."

  She snorted softly into her teacup. "Don't be ridiculous. You're not one of those radicals, Jane, you're a Merriweather. You'll get married to Ryder Cavanagh. Just wait and see."

  Hitting my head against a brick would be less painful than this conversation. "Let's just assume that I don't. I need to do something with my life, but there's not too many things to do in Winter or Riverside and I don't want to leave."

  She clicked her tongue. "I don't know why you insist upon working, Jane. You won't have to once you marry—"

  "I'm not marrying Ryder!"

  Her lips pinched together. "Not if you behave like that," she muttered. "He won't want you."

  I squeezed my eyes shut. God, give me the willpower not to strangle her.

  "Very well, I'll humor you," she said. "You're right. You can't be a shop girl forever. We've already decided that. So what is it you want to do?"

  "Ben came up with the idea of turning this place into a B&B."

  "A bed and breakfast hotel?"

  "It's not a hotel, more like a guest house. People will come and stay the night in one of our bedrooms and we'd feed them breakfast in the mornings. During the day they'll explore the river or go for walks. We could even hire out fishing equipment and a boat, and make up picnics for their lunch."

  She sat very still and I was struck by how old she looked lately. She seemed smaller, more hunched, as if the chair was going to swallow her. There were more lines on her face too, although her eyes were as bright and shrewd as ever.

  "You want strangers to come into our home," she said, slowly.

  There was no way to avoid answering that question. "Yes. If we do it right, we can make this place exclusive. If we offer top-class rooms and service, we can charge higher prices. With Winter being relatively unspoiled compared to Riverside, city folk will like getting out of town for a weekend of relaxation. I think it'll work, Gran, and so does Ben."

  She stamped her walking stick on the ground. "Is this his idea?"

  I swallowed. I didn't want him to take all the blame. "Partly. It was mine as well."

  "I expected more from him."

  "Gran, don't be like that. Just think about it for a while."

  "He should have come to me first before planting the idea in your head."

  "Gran, stop it. Don't you dare go and blame him for any of this. We brought it on ourselves. We should have sold up years ago and bought something smaller and newer."

  The walking stick came down on the floor again with a loud thud. "I beg your pardon, young lady! This is your home. Our home. We will never sell it. The Merriweather roots are here and they're not going anywhere, so do not talk about selling."

  I set my teacup aside and leaned forward. "We have no money, Gran. We're damn lucky that Ben came along when he did because we couldn't afford to pay anyone to do what he's doing."

  "Wash your mouth out, Jane. Merriweathers do not use that kind of language."

  "Gran, listen to me! Ben can only do so much on our budget of zero. Do you understand? We can probably get a loan from the bank to spruce this place up if we can go to them with a solid business plan that shows where the income will come from."

  "I know the manager at First State in Riverside. He'll give you what you need."

  "No, Gran, he won't. That's not how it works. Mr. Forrester isn't there anymore anyway. His successor needs to see business plans and forecasts and maybe even some advance bookings."

  She sniffed and turned her face away.

  I sighed. "There are two choices. I can either keep working at Hearth & Home, earning just enough to live off but not enough to keep the roof from leaking or the pipes from groaning. Or I can work here, be near you every day, and make this place earn money for us. Two choices, Gran. Think about them for a few days and let me know what you've decided."

  "There is a third choice." She slowly turned back to me. Her eyes were sharp and clear, and I don't know how I could ever have thought she was losing her mind. She knew exactly how things lay. "Marry well. If not Ryder Cavanagh then someone else, although I don't see why you have to look any further."

  I shot to my feet, but didn't say what I wanted to say. Gran would only disagree with me when I told her I would never marry because nobody would want me. Besides, I'd promised myself not to continue with the pity party. My life had a different purpose now. All I had to do was get Gran to see that and she'd come round.

  "I'm going to see how Ben and Kate are doing. We'll talk again later."

  Her teacup rattled in the saucer as I walked off. Gran could be frustrating, but I'd always managed to be patient with her until now. My patience was wearing down. I wasn't sure if that was because she was more infuriating or I was changing.

  I didn't get a chance to look for Ben and Kate. "Hey," Ryder said through the screen door as I came out into the hallway. He stood on the porch, his hands in his pockets, looking sexier than any man had a right to be, damn him.

  "What do you want?" Maybe it was too brutal, but I was still angry with him and my confrontation with Gran hadn't helped. Besides, being angry was better than crying over him. It was an improvement, right?

  "I
want to apologize."

  Whoa. Rewind. I stepped up to the door, but didn't open it. "You could have done that yesterday."

  "I didn't think you would listen yesterday. You were pretty mad. I hoped you would be ready to hear me out today."

  "You hoped wrong."

  He lowered his head and his hair fell over his eyes. I didn't think he could look any better, but somehow the hint of vulnerability made him sexier. "I get that, but I'm here anyway so I might as well say what I came to say."

  I could see him clearly through the screen door and he could see me. He lifted his head and fixed his gaze on mine. It was soft and warm, and filled with concern. It made my insides melt. He was back. My Ryder had come home.

  Damn him. I did not want to forgive him yet. It was too easy. He didn't deserve easy.

  I folded my arms. "Go on. What excuse have you got?"

  "There's no excuse for being an asshole. None whatsoever. I'm not going to put the blame on…other events in my life. That's not fair. My other mess has nothing to do with you and I shouldn't have brought it to your doorstep."

  "Wow, that's almost noble of you. If a little late." He said nothing and I worried that I'd gone too far. "What is it, Ryder? What's happened?"

  "I can't talk about it. I gave my word that I wouldn't. I've got to try to salvage some honor and keep my promise."

  I put my hand on the doorframe near the handle. Maybe I should let him inside, or go out to him. He sounded so lost and alone, and he had come to apologize.

  No. No way, Jane. Don't give in until he grovels.

  "I just wanted to come by and say I'm sorry I've been so angry. I'm sorry that I distrusted you. Sorry I made you out to be something you're not. Whether you had a boyfriend or not, that's irrelevant. It shouldn't have mattered."

  "But it did. It mattered a lot." I shrugged. "I guess that's fair considering you didn't know the truth."

  "No, Jane, it's not. Stop forgiving me."

  I smiled. "Isn't that why you're here? Asking for forgiveness?"