X took over and began to go over op specifics. They would leave first thing in the morning and travel with a Marine unit to a town about an hour away. Janus and Jake would accompany them.
Nick listened carefully, at the same time taking a personal inventory. To his relief he found that the more time he spent in the room with Janus, the greater his power to ignore her. She was a captive, incapable of hurting him or Kaylan.
Kaylan. A pang of regret sliced through him, more potent than any injury he had ever sustained.
Micah jabbed Nick in the side, and Nick snapped to attention, avoiding Micah’s glare. He pulled another piece of gum out and popped it into his mouth. Enough of the distractions. Enough thinking about Kaylan, or Janus for that matter. Women complicated his life, and he didn’t need to think about either one of them on this op. His life and the lives of his teammates depended on it. Out here in the middle of the desert, it was team and teammates over everything.
And for now, Nick liked it that way.
Chapter Nine
Wednesday arrived without Kaylan’s bidding and with it, the memories of Haiti and Sarah Beth. A year had passed, but Kaylan knew she would feel every January 12 with extra weightiness for the rest of her life. Everything had changed—for Haiti, for Sarah Beth, for herself.
Now, with Nick deployed and their fight still lingering, she felt his absence weigh heavier by the hour. The grief of the day increased her fear that she would never see him again. She fought the ache, but it was tough to keep it at bay.
Her only distractions came in the form of her patients as she planned meals and focused on the diet of each individual. Back home after work, she cleaned the house and whipped up a meal. By the time Megan walked in the door smelling like the ocean, dinner was ready and the house sparkled. She’d lugged her tired body to bed shortly after, praying for dreamless sleep.
Thursday dawned bright, and with the new day, Kaylan’s spirits rose. For the past couple of months, she’d taken to going over to the Carpenters house to give them a date night while she played with the kids. They brought her joy unlike anything else. Tonight was no different. With these kids, she surrounded herself with laughter and chaos. The living room looked like a tornado of toys and dishes had swept through, but she didn’t care.
“Aunt Kaylan, I want you to play with my dolls now. Please?” Molly looked up from her spot on the floor surrounded by dolls, a tea set, and stuffed animals.
“Just one second, ladybug.” Kaylan’s tongue hung out of her mouth as her little car raced around the track. Playing Mario Cart with Tanner and Conner reminded her of years playing with David, Micah, and Seth. Only those games usually ended in a fight over who cheated and who really won until Mom took away the controller and sent them all outside to play. “Almost there . . .”
“Kaylan, you bumped me. No fair.”
“You bump people all the time, Conner. Don’t use that on me when you are losing.”
“Ha. She told you.” Tanner taunted Conner.
“Shut up.”
“Yes!” Kaylan threw her hands in the air and stood, doing a happy dance in front of the boys. “Victory for me. And that was not nice to say, Conner.” She pointed at him. “Your parents don’t let you talk to one another like that, and you aren’t going to do it on my watch.”
Conner mumbled a “sorry” to his older brother while Kaylan smothered her smile.
“Close enough.” Too much like the Richards’ kids growing up. She couldn’t wait to be an aunt for real, but in the meantime, she loved these kids with her whole heart.
“Aunt Kaylan,” Molly called again.
“All right, ladybug. It’s your turn.” The boys resumed their game with just two players while Kaylan sat down on the floor with Molly. The four-year-old had spread out several dolls in various stages of donning princess dresses.
Kaylan snuck a quick glance at baby Nadia in her swing. She hadn’t dosed off yet, but she would soon.
“Aunt Kaylan, pay attention.”
“Sorry. All about you now, munchkin.” Kaylan chuckled at the little girl in front of her. A tiara sat on mussed blonde curls and big blue eyes stared intently at the dolls around her.
“We are missing a prince.”
“Why do we need a prince?”
“The prince always rescues the princess, Aunt Kaylan.”
“What does he rescue her from?”
“Whatever isn’t happy in life.”
Kaylan picked up a beautiful, brown-haired doll and a red-head doll that resembled Arial from The Little Mermaid. “Maybe the princess doesn’t need rescuing. Maybe she can be brave enough on her own.”
Molly made a face at Kaylan. “Maybe. But isn’t it always better when there’s a prince?”
“Sure, baby girl.”
“Mommy has Daddy. You have Uncle Nick. Aunt Liza has Uncle Titus. I don’t know who Uncle Jay, Uncle Micah, or Uncle Colt are rescuing.”
“Maybe they haven’t found their princesses yet.”
Molly put her hands on her hips. “They better hurry up.”
Kaylan laughed. “I’m sure they will someday.” She ran her fingers through Molly’s tangled curls. “And who do you have, baby girl?”
Molly crawled into Kaylan’s lap, bringing her dolls with her. She searched through the mess on the floor to find a crown for the doll in her hand. “That’s easy. I have Daddy and Jesus. And Daddy says my other prince will come someday, but as long as I have Daddy and Jesus, I’m just fine.” She flashed her bright blue eyes in Kaylan’s direction and smiled.
Kaylan’s spirit crashed. She’d begged Nick to stay home because she needed him, and somewhere along the way, she had forgotten that she didn’t. She wanted him. Wanted him more than anything in life. But she needed only one thing. Jesus. He never left her alone.
Kaylan held Molly while she played, basking in the childlike trust of a little girl in her father. How much more should Kaylan trust her heavenly Father? All her life, she’d learned that God was a loving Father who desired to give her good things. Her dad had been an excellent example of that. After Haiti, she had learned that God wasn’t good just because good things happened, but that goodness itself was intrinsically part of His character. So if He was a loving Father who desired to give her good things and didn’t withhold any good thing from her, then it made sense that even His “no’s” and redirects were an act of love on her behalf. Didn’t it?
Her mind flew back to Thanksgiving when she was ten. She’d gone Black Friday shopping with her family and found a new bike. It had been shiny and sleek with a horn on the handle, and it had been on sale. But her dad said no. She’d thrown a fit, causing her parents to drop her off at her grandparents before continuing their Black Friday shopping.
Then on Christmas day, she’d understood. Her dad had bought her an even better, prettier bike. Her dad wanted to give her the best. He knew she wanted something in a moment that would fade. He knew what she really wanted is what he finally gave her—the best kid’s bike on the market. Oh, for trust like Molly had, to trust Nick, to trust her Father, to trust His care for her, even in seasons when emotions overwhelmed good sense.
She checked her watch. Right on schedule. “Ten minutes before we need to start getting ready for bed.”
“How about an hour?” Conner bartered.
“Twenty minutes and a bedtime story.” Kaylan picked up another doll and began to dress her in a sunny yellow dress.
Tanner groaned. “Bedtime stories are for babies.”
“I’m not a baby,” Molly piped in, “and I still love bedtime stories.”
“Just proves my point,” Tanner sighed, his eyes still glued to the television. Within minutes Conner cheered while Tanner swatted him with a pillow.
Conner dodged his brother and ran around to kneel by Kaylan. “I have to wait to go to bed until my dad gets home.”
“And why is that?”
“He promised to give me his Trident to take to show-and-tell tomorrow.”
Kaylan ruffled his hair. “I’m sure he can give it to you in the morning.”
“He has a doctor’s appointment in the morning, and someone is coming to pick him up and take him so Mom can take us to school. Please, Kaylan, I need to wait.”
She leaned in close so Molly wouldn’t hear. “Let’s go ahead and get ready for bed and be quiet about it. Then you and I can wait for your dad. Deal?”
Conner fist-bumped Kaylan. “You get the award for coolest baby-sitter ever.”
“How about you get me a medal for that, and we’ll call it even?”
His grin looked so much like Logan’s. “Deal.”
The next twenty minutes turned into a whirlwind of pajamas, toothbrushes, quiet protests, a quick bedtime story for Molly, and finally lights out.
Conner and Kaylan tiptoed back into the living room and sat down for another game of Mario Cart. They had been playing only a half hour when the key scratched in the lock.
“Dad’s here!” Conner dropped the controller and jumped up to greet Kim and Logan as Logan wheeled his chair through the door.
“Hey, champ, what are you still doing up?”
Conner’s gaze filled with admiration as he greeted his dad. “You promised I could take your Trident with me to school tomorrow.”
Logan grinned at his son. “I did, didn’t I? It’s in the velvet box in my top dresser drawer. Why don’t you go get it out and bring it here?”
Conner raced off. “Conner, do not wake your siblings,” Kim called after him. In their small house, it wouldn’t be hard to do.
“How was the movie?” Kaylan asked.
Kim placed her hand on Logan’s shoulder. Kaylan admired their synchronicity, never more than a few feet apart, normally touching in some way, united, together. Would she and Nick reach that stage of oneness? She hoped to someday.
“It was good. Thank you so much for watching the kids. With four of them now, it’s hard to get moments to ourselves.”
Logan covered Kim’s hand with his own as Conner hurried back into the room, a small velvet box in his hand.
“You found it.” Logan wheeled to the couch and Conner sank into the seat next to the armrest, as close as he could get to his dad. Kim and Kaylan smiled, watching the scene. Would she have a son who looked up to Nick that much? Kaylan didn’t doubt it. Nick was as strong as he was gentle, and if the way he treated the Carpenter kids was any indication, he would make a great dad.
Another pang stabbed through her heart. How could she have been so ugly to him before he left?
“Dad, will you tell me the story again?”
“Sure thing, champ. Do you want to hold it?”
“Yeah!” Conner held out his hands as Logan placed the gold Trident pin on his son’s palms. Conner stared at it in awe.
Kaylan and Kim looked over the couch as Logan talked to Conner. “I had finished all of my SEAL training except one last part.”
“The Trident swim?”
Logan grinned at his son’s familiarity with the story. “You got it. The Trident swim. We had to wear our cammies and drag a rucksack with a bunch of clothes.”
“Was it heavy?”
“You bet. The water made the clothes even heavier, but we took turns swimming with it held between us and a buddy.”
“And someone else swam with a sledgehammer, right?”
Logan nodded. “Yep. A guy named Cameron was the strongest swimmer in our class and carried the hammer the whole way.”
“But you’re pretty strong, too, right, Dad?”
Logan chuckled. “I can hold my own. But when we work as a team, we all take turns carrying the load, and each man uses his strengths to help the team.”
“What’s your strength, Dad?”
“I have the biggest mouth.”
“Dad . . .” Conner laughed. “You do not.”
“All right. All right. So after we finished this really long swim in the ocean, we stood in a line in the surf at attention. We were soaking wet, and our commander came around and pinned each of us with our Tridents.”
“Did you bleed?”
Logan looked up at Kim and Kaylan with a knowing grin. Kaylan knew that after the official ceremony, often the true initiation came when new team members had their pins punched into their chest. They bled together and now could fight together. Or at least, that’s how Nick explained it.
“SEALs can handle a little blood.” Logan grinned at his son. “Now why don’t you tell me about the pin. Do you remember?”
Light filled Conner’s eyes as he began to point to each element on the pin. “The anchor represents the Navy. The gun . . . ”
“What kind of gun?” Logan prompted.
Conner’s forehead crinkled in thought. “It’s a . . . flintlock. A cocked flintlock, right, Dad?”
“You got it. Why is that important?”
Conner’s face glowed and Kaylan wondered if they had another little SEAL in the making. With his dad teaching him, Conner would learn from the best the Teams had to offer. “It means SEALs fight on sea, air, and land. The pistol stands for land, and it also means SEALs are always ready to fight the bad guys.”
Logan chuckled at his son. “Something like that. You skipped one.”
“Oops. The Trident represents the ocean. They call you frogmen because you like the water, right?”
“SEALs love the water. What else do ya got?”
“The eagle. It represents air. And doesn’t it mean freedom, too?”
“Yes, eagles are a symbol of freedom in the United States.”
Kaylan bent over the back of the couch, taking a closer look at the bird. “I always wondered why its head is bowed. I always picture eagles as proud and regal.”
Logan turned to Conner. “Do you want to explain it to her, champ?”
Conner twisted on the couch to look at Kaylan as he pointed to the eagle. “His head is bent to show people that a warrior’s strength comes from humility. Doesn’t the Bible say pride comes before a fall? I guess the SEALs believe that, too, Aunt Kaylan.”
Kaylan smiled at the little SEAL aficionado while Logan and Kim beamed with pride for their son and the lessons he understood at a young age.
“Thanks for teaching me a thing or two, Conner.”
Conner puffed his chest. “I can teach you a lot of things, Aunt Kaylan. Want to know more?”
Kim laughed and ruffled her son’s hair. “We are still teaching him what it looks like to act with humility, but at least he understands the concept. All right, Conner, it sounds like you know how to talk to your class now. Time for bed.”
“Ah, Mom.”
“No, ah Mom. Hop to, mister.”
“Okay.” He stood from the couch and reverently placed the Trident back in its case.
“Don’t lose it, champ,” Logan said as he passed the box off to his son.
Conner held the box tightly, his knuckles turning white. “Never.”
With goodnights all around, Kim ushered him off to bed.
“You don’t have to rush off, Kayles. Sit down, stay awhile,” Logan offered.
“You sure?” She wasn’t sure when her heart made the transition between Alabama and California. Maybe when Nick said those three little words that made her head spin. Maybe when he proposed or when guys from his Team showed up to both celebrate and grieve with her over Sarah Beth. But in this moment, her heart knew the familiarity of home with this family and this husband and dad who reminded her so much of Nick. California and Nick suddenly felt more permanent, more appealing than Alabama ever had.
She sank into the brown suede couch in the Carpenter’s living room, her eyes flitting from photo to photo of the Carpenter family and landing on the newest with Logan’s leg absent, but a beautiful new baby girl completing the scene.
“How are you doing with the separation? Any easier than last time?”
Kaylan shook her head. “I think it’s harder now.”
Logan tipped his head to the side, his kind eyes a
bsorbing her internal struggle. “Why is that?”
She shrugged, not sure where to begin. “Have you and Kim ever fought before a deployment?” Kaylan already suspected the answer. Kim was a saint, the perfect SEAL wife.
“Yes, we did. Hardest deployment of all time because of that disagreement. He never left with things unsettled like that again,” Kim answered before Logan could as she reentered the room. “Every deployment is difficult, even more so depending on the season—pregnancy, a move, family illness. Life happens. But we determined after that deployment that we would never part with things that unsettled again, no matter what’s going on. It just isn’t worth it.” Instead of sitting by Kaylan on the couch, she perched on Logan’s good leg, wrapping her arm around his neck.
“How did y’all deal with that first disagreement?”
Logan and Kim shared a knowing smile. “I waited until he finally called me and then begged and pleaded for forgiveness and then made it up to him when he got home.”
Kaylan nodded, not feeling any better. She wanted to fix things now. Wanted to wrap her arms around Nick’s neck and kiss him until everything went back to the way it should be.
“Kayles, I promise Hawk won’t hold onto it for long. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”
Kaylan couldn’t meet Logan’s eyes. “You don’t understand. I accused him of wanting to leave me. Then he gave me an ultimatum.”
“Oh, one of those.” Kim reached for Kaylan’s hand and squeezed. “Hawk loves you. It isn’t the end of the world.”
“Kayles, look at me.” Logan waited until Kaylan raised her head. She saw that his compassion for her was edged with a silent challenge. “Hawk never wants to leave you, but he will always want to go. It’s the dichotomy of a fighter. You are marrying a warrior who doesn’t know how not to fight or answer the call of duty.”
“Trust me,” Kim chimed in. “It will always be hard.” She squeezed Logan’s neck. “But loving a warrior is always worth it.”
Surrendered (Heart of a Warrior Series Book 3) Page 7