by Lisa Lace
I wandered around my apartment picking things up, then putting them down. I knew what was happening. I was been given a chance to go back.
I could just stay here and not have to go through all the hardships and troubles I endured since I left this place. I had a feeling that if I went to bed and woke up tomorrow, I wouldn't remember anything.
I would never have to escape from a building that was being bombed. I would never have to run away from a wildfire. I would never have my life threatened. I would never be made to feel like the dirt on a Susohnnan queen's boot.
I could just stay here and avoid it all. I would be safe here. I sat down on the couch and pulled my favorite blanket around me. I could be comfortable here. I snuggled into the corner where I always liked to sit. This life could be enough.
There was no adventure here; that was true. But I didn't need it. There were no new things to see and do here, but I didn't need new things now. I needed things that made me feel safe. Things that didn't challenge me. I needed situations that would never demand anything of me.
And there was no love here, but I didn't need love.
At that thought, I shook my head, looking around at my apartment.
No. That wasn't true anymore. I did need love. I needed Dar.
His voice came back to me.
"You must give up what you most want to keep."
Is this what I most wanted to keep? The safety and comfort of my isolation? Is that what I wanted?
And when I thought that, I suddenly knew that I didn't want that anymore. There might have been a time when this life had been enough, but I was past that now.
"I don't want this," I said.
Nothing happened.
I raised my voice. "I don't want this."
The room started to fade.
"I don't want this!" I yelled, and my voice echoed through the apartment, right before the illusion shattered into a thousand pieces.
And I was back on the sand.
I could see the light of the oasis faintly again.
I stood there, staring at that pale pinpoint of light. I was breathing heavily, and I swallowed. That had been close. That had been way too close.
The thought that I might have stayed there and gone to sleep and woken up back in my old life, never having known Dar, made me sick to my stomach.
No matter what happened, I never wanted to forget him. Even if we separated from each other. Even if we never ended up together.
I would never want to forget him. Ever.
Suddenly I longed for him, and I called out his name across the sands.
"Dar!"
And just like that, reality shifted.
"Kenna?"
It was Dar.
I was in his room. His appearance was different. His hair color was fading, and he looked a little thicker around the middle.
I smiled and went to him.
He didn't open his arms to me as I had expected.
I stopped, not understanding.
"Kenna? Is that you?"
"Of course it's me. What do you mean?"
"It's been so long."
"So long? You just dropped me off on the desert. Remember?"
He blinked, a shocked look on his face. Then his features contorted with such grief that my heart nearly stopped.
"Why do you look like that?"
"I haven't seen you in ten years, Kenna."
"What?" I stared at him.
"Do you remember that some people never come back from the ritual?"
"Yeah."
"You never came back."
"But I did. I didn't stay in my old apartment. I didn't. It all shattered. I want to be here. With you."
"The Three save me..." he muttered. He was interrupted by a little girl about seven years old running into the room. She grabbed him around the legs, looking at me shyly.
"Who's that?" I said, trying to understand what was happening.
He leaned down and picked her up. She tucked her head into his shoulder.
"This is my daughter. Her name is Kenna." His voice cracked, and I could see that he was close to breaking down.
"When you didn't come back, it nearly destroyed me. The only person who stood by me was Salya. She got me through it, Kenna. I would have died without her. She's a good woman. She's still jealous, but she has a good heart. She's not the queen that you would have made. She does her best."
"No," I said, shaking my head. "No. I did it. I passed the test. This shouldn't be happening."
I couldn't figure it out. Where had I gone wrong?
Dar shook his head, looking at me sadly.
"If you're here, Kenna. Then you didn't pass. Remember what I told you?"
"Yes, yes. I faced what I was most afraid of — letting myself love you and then losing you. I gave up what I most wanted to keep. That was my safe, comfortable life back home. My isolation. The life that was keeping me secure but was also keeping me from my highest potential. I see that now. I see all of it. I did it, Dar. I swear."
"But the last one, Kenna."
"The last one..." I stared at the girl with my name, trying to remember. What had the last one been?
"The last trial is that you must release everything you think you know about yourself," he said, gently.
"What does that mean? How do I do that?"
"I don't know, but if you're here..."
"Then this must have something to do with it. Right. Will you help me, Dar? Maybe it's not too late. Maybe I can still get back to you. I can change this."
Dar shook his head, not meeting my eyes.
"I'm afraid not, Kenna. I can't help you. The ritual is something that you must walk alone."
Just then a woman came through the door. She was tall, with long legs. Her beautiful face registered surprise at seeing me there and then shock.
"Is that Kenna?" she said, staring at me.
"Yes. She failed the ritual. It caught her," Dar said. "You mustn't be jealous, love. That's all in the past."
Salya looked at him in fury.
"In the past? In the past? When every time I call my daughter's name I am reminded of another woman?"
"Perhaps that wasn't the best idea." Dar looked pained.
"Leave us in peace!" she said to me. "You stole him from me before. But he's mine now. You will never have him. Never. And you will never be queen. I rule over Susohn. A human slut could never do what I have done. You are a tramp and a home-wrecker. I will not have you here. Get out!" she shrieked and ran at me.
I didn't try to run away, but I held up my hands to protect myself from her blows. She got a good punch in and knocked me to the floor. I place a hand over my eye. God, that ached. But my heart ached more, knowing that I would have made him a good wife. Our life wouldn't have been perfect, but it would have been honest.
I would have made a good queen, no matter where I was born. I knew that now.
I would have loved him.
I did love him.
I knew that now, too, now that it was ten years too late.
Dar pulled her off of me and dragged her from the room. He was back in a moment.
"Kenna? Are you all right?"
He took my hand to help me to my feet, but it passed right through mine.
"What?" he said, confused.
A wind began to blow.
"I love you, Dar. I know that now. And I will make a good queen. I know that, too. I'm not just some lowly human without worth. I am a powerful woman. And I know what I want. And what I need."
He stared at me, eyes wide.
"And what's that?"
"You."
"Me?"
"I have to go."
The wind in the room was whipping my hair around my face so that I could hardly see.
"Kenna, wait."
"No, Dar. I can't wait any longer. I need to get back to you. I need to tell you. Before this comes to pass."
"But it has already come to pass, Kenna. It's too late."
He t
ried to take my hand again, and he passed through me.
The wind was spinning, and then the room was spinning. Dar looked around him, in confusion.
"No, it's not too late. You're the one who doesn't exist anymore, Dar, because I'm making a different choice."
"Kenna," he said, desperately. "Don't leave me again. I can't stand it."
"I'm not leaving you. I'm going to find you. We are going to have those ten years together. Have faith."
The room spun out of existence, and I was back on the desert. A sandstorm was forming, but somehow the light of the oasis was much closer than before. I felt like I was almost there.
I had faced my greatest fear. I had given up that which I most wanted to keep. And I had let go of everything I thought I knew about myself. What more could there be to do? I had done everything he had said.
The wind blew harder and whipped my braid around my head, lashing me. The sand began to sting as it hit my exposed hips and arms.
Within seconds, the pain from the sandstorm became intense. I couldn't see anything. I had my eyes shut tight so as not to get sand in them. I kept my mouth closed too, to prevent dust from entering. I held my hand over my nose, allowing just enough space to breathe.
After going through all that, I was going to die in a fucking sandstorm. I felt emotionally numb. I couldn't take any more. And the physical pain was so excruciating that I honestly thought I was going to die.
When I felt a sudden burst of pain from my left hip, I keeled over. It was too much.
I fell on the ground and let death take me. I had nothing left.
Everything went black.
DAR
Where was Kenna? It had been a whole day, and she hadn't shown up anywhere. I could look over the desert to her drop-off spot, but there was no sign of her.
Sometimes the people going through the ritual never came back. I stared out across the sand, feeling as desolate as the lonely winds that blew across these dunes.
Kenna would come back.
Of course she would.
She had to.
It would kill me if she didn't.
I spun around to go back to the oasis, where Mana and Jared and I were waiting for her, and almost ran straight into Salya.
"Dar," she said in a sultry voice. "It's good to see you."
"Don't expect me to be joyful to see you, Salya. I know it was you who turned us in."
I went to go around her but she blocked me and fell into step beside me.
"I did it for your sake, Dar. You deserve better than some..." I turned towards her and the look in my eye must have worried her a bit because she stopped speaking.
I kept walking back towards the oasis, eager to get away from her.
"I can be a good wife, Dar. I would make you happy. I would make a good queen. We could have seven babies together."
"No we couldn't."
She stopped walking, while I continued on.
"What if she never returns?" she called out to my back.
I froze. Then I walked quickly back to her until we were face to face.
"Kenna will come back. Get out of here. I can't stand to look at you."
She didn't follow me as I made it to the trees and was swallowed up by the foliage. But I heard her voice drifting after me.
"You will when she doesn't come back. Someday you will look at me again. And you will see your future."
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
No. She was wrong. Kenna would come back. She would have completed the ritual.
She would still be sane.
Two days later, I began to lose hope. I tried not to show it to Mana and Jared, but they talked with each other.
"Mana, why is it taking so long? Does it usually take this long?" I heard Jared's voice coming through the vegetation. I had climbed a tree to watch for her. It was more comfortable than standing on the hot sands. When I twisted around, I could see them sitting on a bench in the center of the oasis.
"I told you, Jay."
Jay? She was calling him Jay?
"Usually they're back the same day. Being gone so long is unheard of."
"Except," he said, leaning back and putting his arm along the back of the bench. She sat forward so that he wasn't touching her.
"What do you mean?" she said.
"I hear something at the end of that sentence. Something you're not saying, Mana. Being gone so long is unheard of, except..."
She huffed out her breath, and I grinned at the look on her face. I was surprised he could read her so well already. I wasn't the only one with a flicker of hope.
"It's unheard of except for royalty. Dar took five days. His mother and father were each three."
"But Kenna's not royalty."
"Exactly. That's why she's probably not coming back." Mana glanced at him and then away. "Some of them don't come back, Jared. It's just how the ritual works. Some people refuse — and we exile them. Some people go insane. Some people die. And some just don't come back at all."
"So, why did you let her do it if you knew she might not come back?" Jared got up and started to pace.
"She had to, Jay."
"No," I could hear the pain in his voice as he tallied up another friend lost. "She didn't. She did it for him. And now she's gone. It's not fair."
"It is fair. She had to do it. And you're not to blame Dar, I know you can hear us." Mana said. She was defending me, as always. She beat up a lot of kids at school standing up for me. She was a powerful woman.
Jared sat down on the bench again with his face in his hands.
"I don't blame, Dar," came his muffled voice. "I blame myself."
There was no doubt he was crying behind his hands. I looked on in amazement as Mana put her arms around him, and he cried on her shoulder. I hope they'll be good for each other...
Then my smile dropped as I completed the thought.
...like Kenna and I were.
There was still no sign of Kenna.
"We have to go back to the city," Mana said, putting her hand on my shoulder. It was the sixth day, and everyone else had lost hope of Kenna ever returning.
"I know," I said. "I know. Just a couple more hours, Mana."
"Dar, man, you've got to give it up. It isn't healthy. We should go back to the palace. You can get cleaned up and have a decent meal." Jared said, trying to turn me away from where I was staring at the sand. I was willing her to appear.
"Yeah, okay," I said, not looking at them. "You guys take the first hovercraft, and I'll be right after you."
"You swear?" Mana said. "Dar, look at me."
I turned my head and tried to focus on her face.
"Do you swear you'll come back in a couple hours, no matter what?"
I nodded.
"I swear."
They looked at each other and then looked back at me.
"Okay. We'll see you there."
"Right," I said, looking back out at the sand.
I wasn't going to see them there.
If she didn't appear, I was going to kill myself because it was better than living without her.
Once the sound of their hovercraft had disappeared, I sank to the sand and took out my knife. I knew where to stab an artery that would empty all my blood on the sand in minutes.
The knife and I stared at each other as the sun glinted off the metal. As I looked at the blade longer, it seemed out of place. It asked me if I should contemplate taking my life. I knew I wouldn't be able to lose Kenna. Death was the way out of my pain, waiting to help me the moment I admitted that she was gone.
A low rumble came from the desert.
I blinked in surprise. Something was happening. Without warning, a sandstorm was coming up. I jumped to my feet, snapping the knife shut and shoving it back in my pocket.
Instinctively, I ran for the oasis. It was what I had been taught to do ever since I had learned to walk. The trees would protect me from the sand.
Then I realized that I didn't want to b
e protected, and I stopped. I walked back out into the sand, embracing nature's rage.
Sandstorms on my planet arise suddenly and without any warning. Many people caught outside an oasis during a sandstorm succumb within minutes.
That was what I wanted. I wouldn't need the knife. The sandstorm would do the deed for me.
I couldn't see. I couldn't hear. I could barely breathe. I filled with sand, and I felt nothing but happiness. I knew I would die out here in the desert with her. Soon we would be together again, and I wouldn't have to go through my whole life missing her.
I tried to draw another breath but inhaled sand. I tried again and lost consciousness.
KENNA
I must be dead.
That was my first conscious thought - I couldn't possibly have survived that sandstorm.
I had hoped that being dead would be pain-free. Apparently not.
Wait. If I'm in this much pain, maybe I'm not dead.
After what seemed like forever, I managed to get my eyes open. They were gritty, but they still worked. The two suns were just rising over the desert. With difficulty, I sat up and tried to remember what had happened.
I remembered Dar dropping me off to complete the ritual...
I had failed.
I remembered seeing Dar in his life with Salya.
The thought made me sick to my stomach, and the anger gave me the strength to stand.
No. I could not fail. It was up to me to save Dar. No one else could do it.
I began to walk but the pain in my leg made it difficult. I dragged my left leg and struggled on. I could see the oasis. It couldn't be that far, I just had to get there. I would not give up.
As I limped, keeping my eyes on the greenery ahead of me, I saw something stirring on the sand. As I approached, I realized it was a person.
I wondered why someone would be sleeping out here on the sand, instead of in a proper bed.
That's when I recognized it was Dar, and I started to run, hobbling as best I could.
DAR
I wasn't dead. As I tried to sit up, I heard my name being called. I pried open my eyes and saw a woman, her skirt in rags, hobbling towards me as fast as she could.
Then my eyes came into focus and I saw that it was Kenna.