Translated Accounts

by Kelman, James

  38

  “thought”

  But this then at that time was good for myself, and how my mind progresses I enter into the inner smile as I think it my brain. When these people are looking to me and this it is that I must be careful, if the smile will come outside too and the eyes are watching for any such sign thinking one might not sense what is to be sensed. If they are around me. Always. If they do things, are these things

  the body is the body. I am not a woman. My own body

  He had no hand. I did not ask more of it. We did not speak. There is contamination. Securitys believe so

  They watch for such indicators. Eyes may signal, one flicker is attack, two flickers

  what two flickers

  these are sarcasm, he said his hand was lost for sarcasm. He said it to myself. I have no hand, they took it, severed it from here, look, showing me his wrist, stump of it, its end, where the skin is pulled so, and they put him into that room. I heard him asking, Where is my hand.

  Things may be said. If I am to say them, I can say nothing, I say it to them, nothing

  what is it? nothing

  if they hurt bodies what the outcome may be, if they have patience no, nothing

  if he has had a limb taken, people take more, taken, if these are severed, as this man simply chopped, taking his hand from his arm, nothing

  39

  “censure is not expulsion”

  Suspicion again had been turned onto myself. Prior to these last days I had noticed the distancing to myself from these colleagues, colleagues who were my colleagues. And a woman I knew so well also, she was to lead this inquiry. How that I gathered such information? I did so. Perhaps by inference. Perhaps I cannot remember. I am not sarcastic. Tired, yes. But also the decoy, he would have noticed such a thing to himself. It came often in silence. One might enter a room, talk would cease, seeing also they would not meet one’s eyes, could not. Such it was for myself as of other inquiries that I was familiar with, and I knew what was to come. As the decoy must also have known but that this was for myself he would not understand, that he was the decoy, he did not know it. If one is the decoy and advice is to be given of this, it will come later, if it will come prior, it could not be so, of course, advice must come later.

  So, this evening that I speak, what I should say, “trial”, not inquiry. I entered the building and upstairs to the room where the bedding lay, this that I had been allocated, discovering that a dozen colleagues were there in wait, waiting, including these three others who shared this room with myself, we four. And would I control my anger. Yes. But what was my anger. I knew it and did not know it, if truly it was anger. I was silent, greeting individuals by sign, moving to my bed and sitting there. Yes, no eyes upon myself, as that reality lay elsewhere. Minutes passed. Now came the decoy. I saw that he had removed from us, as within himself, his emotions. Yes myself, also, as one of this committee as he thought. We had not been friends but acquaintances, yes, he was not lacking in respect, not from myself. He was not the stronger, as individuals there among us, having our obligations.

  It was the process. What process. Yes.

  I found it a spectacle and did not care for it. This was from inculcation, bred into us, that we should trust none, in we ourselves, inculcated. But it was the process. It could not be trusted. I no longer did so. Elements were here. None might respect them, I did not. It was a drama we would enjoy in a theatre, a movie. Are we actors and singers, if we are dancers. No. I watched the decoy’s face. He fought for his life. This was the struggle and was our struggle, struggles. His defiance was there. Mine also but that I was stronger, thought that I must be so, or knowledge that I had greater than his, strength than his, for I was in receipt of the knowledge. I knew the situation truly, as he did not, and it gave me a strength now for our colleague, the woman who was to assume leadership of the committee, and this was a woman who that had been close, she had been, myself herself.

  She gave no indication of a truer situation, instead looking to all she gestured to the decoy and said to him, We now shall ask the questions.

  Then I shall know what to say, said the decoy, what not to say.

  You must speak, said our colleague, we have spoken to you.

  You have spoken to me, what is that? I did not ask that you speak to me, what is the obligation, I have none. It is growing late, work is to be done. You say you know my position, further talk is unnecessary, yes, what may be done you are to do it, you hold that authority, supreme authority.

  We are none in that position, she said.

  Here in this group.

  Here in this group, yes. She gestured to include all others yet neither to exclude the decoy himself. But I looked for the inclusion of myself and if it was so I did not see it. I could have smiled. If I did so.

  The decoy stared to her.

  She said to him, Yes you also are included for it remains we ourselves, all of us here ourselves, it does remain so. You say that we have heard your position and its circumstances. I say that I have heard you speak to yourself. We have been present when you speak to yourself. To describe something as your circumstances would not be proper. I do not have that intention. You spoke thoughts aloud, I was present. Our minds revolve, this is how we settle on things. You were engaging in that process.

  What process?

  Thought process, said our colleague.

  Another present looked to me as for corroboration, and smiling, yes, to me. I also a conspirator, no, I do not think so, no, I could not care for this, so was not responding to him, only kneeling at my bedding by the wall. Nor could I care for our colleague, my companion who then was so.

  I had thought that it was passing from between us, what was between us, male to female, now no longer. Most certainly those dreams of her, having had those. It had gone from myself. I heard how to these others she repeated her joke, what process thought process, and she also was smiling and I thought how I could not care for her. She said to him, You suppose to rid yourself of guilt you state its substance.

  The decoy said, Yes, that is what it is, you know me by now.

  We know you.

  I have no guilt.

  You have guilt, this work we do, who does not have guilt.

  I have no guilt, the work is necessary. It is a cleansing process. Always there is motion, if people are here, always already, in motion always, set as unto. All colleagues know this. I have no guilt. None.

  All know this? I said.

  The decoy looked to me, wondering, anxiety in him. Others looked to me with a fuller attention.

  I said, Tell me how is it that colleagues know it.

  An older fellow was by the doorway, smoking a cigarette, now raising his hand and he called, How do we know it?

  The decoy said to our colleague. This is free to all?

  It is not interrogation, said our colleague, nodding now to the older man.

  The decoy said, I am to answer him?

  Why not answer him?

  The decoy looked to myself.

  I said, Why look to me?

  The decoy said, Who other than yourself. It is not anyone. You have said how colleagues will judge of our work, and that is necessary, as the work itself is necessary, cleansing process. But how do they know it, as you state, how do they do this? I try to do as yourself, myself yourself. I also try.

  I did not use that word. “Judge” is not a word, I did not use it.

  The decoy was wondering. I saw now in his eyes, something. Cunning, perhaps, who would not be so cunning. Of course, looking to our colleague, now to myself, not so anxiously. She said to him, Our people are experienced. They might so judge, or not, if as you say. But what if so, this word “judge”, you are worried by it?

  I am not worried. The decoy shrugged, looking to myself

  You are afraid to judge, thus you do judge, judging those who judge.

  No, said the decoy but now he frowned, and after some moments he stared to myself, coming to understand the situation
.

  And our colleague said, If so that you will not judge then it is a wish to offload your own burden, shifting that onto others. Some have their burdens, this would be in addition.

  Yes, said the decoy. He smiled to her. It is for you, making use even of sexuality, you are a woman, it is not difficult to make of it against us. You display your power, personal power, but the power you have is authority, authority of such as myself, myself himself. You exercise that. You speak we listen.

  This was nonsense. I said to our colleague, Your attempt now is to provoke me. This man is a fool, if he is a decoy what has he to do concerning myself, making use of him in this way, it is to say how that we share factors? Of course, he is a man, yes, also

  But he is a father.

  He is a father I am a father. Yes, I am a father.

  Your child has a mother. How may I provoke you sexually? What do you say. I can be in authority over you? He says that I can.

  Yes in power, I said, but it is representative only, I know it, power may be representative, I am not forgetful. If I could be forgetful, it is not possible.

  Another woman was there and she called out, He has daughters.

  He has one daughter, said the decoy, I have two. Also sons, two of them.

  Our colleague held up her hand to him. Why are you speaking? You have nothing of this, no longer, it does not concern you. This is a new situation, surely you have understood it.

  The decoy looked from our colleague to myself.

  You are the decoy, I said

  You are taking no part, said our colleague.

  I am taking no part?

  No.

  If I am decoy?

  If you are decoy it is not you, you are decoy.

  Scapegoat?

  Our colleague turned from him and said to myself, This is censure, not expulsion. You talk as though in hold of a mystery which itself is a position, as has been stated. Certainly it is a position, a position that we cannot condone, we cannot, ourselves and all colleagues, yes, with whom you are familiar, who have trusted in you, as I have, all that have accompanied yourself on these more hazardous occasions, awkward, dangerous, where decisions are to be made quickly, there never was reason that trust should not be placed in yourself, yet we may not condone such a position.

  Therefore trust cannot continue to be so placed?

  This issue is serious, regard it seriously, if it affects trust nothing is more serious

  I feel that I am insulted.

  Yes.

  If it is something other, what.

  It is nothing other.

  I looked at the others. I said, It is during night meetings issues such as this are discussed, theoretics.

  Our colleague smiled. Theoretics.

  Yes.

  But it has been argued and I have argued, as with yourself, that there is no mystery and can be no mystery, not unless contrived. I argued that this could never be a position held by such as ourself, we all, myself yourself, all other colleagues. I have argued this consistently.

  As I also argue.

  Yes.

  Yes? If I am being charged with the opposite, not so, held guilty of such an article, that I have laid against others, having found others so guilty. Other of my colleagues must accept and agree with this.

  The old man standing at the rear at the doorway called, You are bitter.

  I am bitter. What else bitter. Things have happened and happened to myself and I am to be responsible for these, look, we have no wine, no cigarettes

  I have cigarettes, said the old man.

  Let him speak, said our colleague.

  I am not God, I said. If I am by this place and such a thing is happening, do not blame me for it, it is no effect, I do not bring it into existence. Dust is in my food, if I am to blame that there is no rain, and if these individuals are there as I am then they are not there from myself, I do not invite them. I cannot understand why such as this may be necessary

  You are in control, said our colleague.

  I am excluded.

  You think so? Moral things are also personal. What?

  I am not speaking.

  You looked to me.

  I looked to you, yes, you are talking, I looked to you.

  You are not speaking.

  This is in operation, this now is proceeding, what I am to say, if you are in control. We have shared more difficult situations.

  Yes, as others in this room.

  And now this against myself, yes, and if I have done something, what, and none can say, and if none can say, why is it, if these proceedings are deserving, the situation giving rise to these proceedings, no, I do not think so, there is none, I have not been in control, it is no error, if I have been so tell me, but none may tell me, if it is not the case. Yes I may feel bitterness. Also irritation.

  Anger, said our colleague.

  Anger. Yes.

  It is misplaced.

  If it is misplaced, no, I do not think so. When my head is there as now I am aware of myself, also physically, but not to rid myself of myself, it is not possible. I have anger, it is justified, what may come of it, it is the time of day, how that I am.

  Not in this manner, she said.

  In this manner. Say if your experience is longer. It is longer, she said.

  People die young, younger. We make no evaluation.

  Some do.

  Some cannot accept that a fact is stated.

  You have stated a fact? she said.

  Some cannot accept it. I had thought to explain it. You also. We said so, we spoke together, have done so many times, sharing.

  Yes.

  But the denial was quickly to me.

  These are old matters.

  Old matters?

  What else they may be, nothing.

  How is it you say it to me? If there was a choice.

  If there was a choice, she said, but there is none. She gestured round the room at all who were there. This only is censure.

  I cannot speak to you.

  Now your anger.

  You thought to lead me, I would quarrel with you.

  Instead you give nothing of yourself

  I have not remained silent.

  Your hostility is great. I saw you spitting. Our presence was so sour for you, when you entered here and saw that here we were, we waited for you, yes, you spitting, I saw it.

  If I was spitting.

  I saw it.

  My mouth is dry, what this is, spitting, I do not understand you, what it does signal, nothing. I am to speak, now I may speak and shall say of my position, if it is my position that you are to know from this censure of myself then it is not important to myself, I can say more and now shall say it. You have prepared for this

  A woman at the side of the room raising her hand, she called, We were not prepared for you.

  Yes prepared for me, for myself, censure of myself, when? among each of you one to another? speaking of myself, when? when I was not there, when I was sleeping, fulfilling obligations? when, when did you speak together?

  Prepared for you, what do you mean, it is insulting.

  You met with one another.

  What does he mean? said the woman.

  Before now you have discussed matters of myself, you have discussed these matters.

  Of course, said our colleague, this position is your position.

  We have heard you saying it, called the older man from the doorway.

  Saying what?

  So. That you do not have a position, but if that you did it would not be ours.

  This is nonsense.

  It is not nonsense, called another man, we have heard you.

  You have heard me, yes, all have heard me. Good. You ask questions, these may be answered. I am powerless not to so answer, I am not dumb, therefore I spoke, but no further.

  Censure is not expulsion, said the other woman, you are too angry.

  I am angry.

  Too angry.

  There is no trust in me
now, censure is not expulsion, but it leads to expulsion, which may be voluntary.

  It was now that I saw a shift occur, one individual another individual, another had lighted a cigarette, another reaching to speak to another, and farther behind now I saw the decoy and he had moved to the exit, standing by the older fellow who whispered to him and if it could not be heard, not by myself, and now our colleague walked to them, the decoy stepping outside, she following, she followed him. If there is more, yes, of course

  40

  “demons, upon me”

  No matter that we place little value on that segment of the planet, ours, the segment, it is that we prefer to remain in it, what is known to us. We go back as once we were, attempting to make use of what we have been through, as though our handling of previous experience will allow of a determinant. I am to say that the demons were upon me, say also I had had these demons before. I ignored them but they would fight through my defences. I heard their whisperings, rush of their breeze. There was the urgency. They gloated, so it seemed, yet rushing on. I would get to the window and out from the window, looking out from the window, using all of my resolve, yet what I did see only, a thick spiral of them. As I looked my eye drifted from bottom to top, until the horde had become invisible. Sunset? Thirty minutes on. The more I observed the spiral other factors clarified for me, that some thousands of these demons were not rising but flying in zig-zagging spheres. Areas of the air belonged to them. No birds would enter there, small bird, not ever.

  So yes never, this then was my segment.

  And now into my thoughts that one concerning only myself, that I was never an equal, never the elder of the younger, the elder among the younger, I was never that.

  I could only be equal.

  But I was always younger when the younger.

  Yet I should have been elder. I could have been, easily, if so allowed. Women and men both. I saw the children and learned from them. This was necessary. So, I walked out. So, I did that. I saw how for all for them

  and when they are moved to anger and lash out at friends it is because rules of play are not observed. They become angry when another has transgressed those rules. If irrelevant, the rules are not are known [unknown], if it is so. More than that, the knowledge of these rules is in common is not extant. It need not be said but also is requiring to be said that these rules neither are written nor are they discussed in advance. Children may begin play and there is the knowledge of these rules. It is true that one child can bully others. This is not to be denied, as other parent adults, I had been prepared, as they are. But also how we see they become perpetrators, that too was important then. Now it is not so important. Not for me. I do not worry about such things. Children also are in denial. Yes, they may be.