Ready For Flynn, Part 1

by KL Shandwick

  “What do you want, Flynn?”

  “Honestly? You, Valerie, but… I know that’s a bad idea, and the timing couldn’t be shittier to say it to you. Besides that, I want to help you all get through this horrible, horrible thing.”

  “It’s not a ‘thing’ it’s my brothers. They died. My boyfriend died.”

  I sat tortured with the reality of that again and burst into tears again.

  “I was getting close to sleeping with Ziggy. I loved him. Still love him.”

  Flynn couldn’t stem the growl that tore from his throat, but he said nothing.

  “This is where you growl and tell me you’re glad I didn’t; that I should save myself for someone like you?”

  “Nope. Never me. I’d hate to be your first. It hurts, and I never want you to hurt again.”

  “Is that right?”

  “Yes it is. You want to know how I feel about you, Val?”

  “Not if you’re about to bullshit me. I’m all bull-shitted out right now if it’s all the same to you.”

  “No bull, just straight talking, you think you can handle that?”

  “I’m not a child, Flynn. Stop talking to me like I am one.”

  “Okay, first. I want you. Fuck…I want you so fucking badly. I’ve said it before. I’ve never wanted any woman as much as I want you, but you’re barely legal and as innocent as fuck. I’ll respect your wishes. The first move would have to be entirely yours.”

  “You kissed me before. So, I guess you already made the first move.”

  “Hardly. Do you know how damned hard it was to walk away from you? Touching your lips like that left a stain on mine. I think had it been another time and another place, that wouldn’t have ended anywhere near as composed as I left it.”

  “Me being fifteen wouldn’t have stopped you?”

  “That’s why I said another time. Your age and my friendship with Martin were the only things that saved you. If it hadn’t been for those two things, I may have acted differently.”

  “But now you’re a big shot rock star, and those barriers are gone. You can have any girl you want, is that right?”

  Flynn snickered and looked down at his Chucks before meeting my gaze again.

  “So the stories go.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “You shouldn’t believe everything you read in the papers.”

  “And what should I believe? Are you saying you were set up in Los Angeles by the pool? From the pictures in the papers, your jeans were at your ankles. How did you spin that one to your girl?”

  “What can I say? I’d tried repeatedly to end things with her after a couple of months together, she wouldn’t let me go.”

  “So you publicly humiliated her instead?”

  “Nope. She already knew how I felt and if you must know, I was just honest-to-God blind drunk. I had no idea how I even got to that pool let alone the stuff that was going on.”

  “That says it all. You’re not capable of thinking of others. I’d never want to be with someone like that. Ziggy… he adored me. He would have loved me my whole life if I’d let him.”

  My eyes filled to the brim with tears and rolled down my cheeks. This time, it was for Ziggy. For what could have been that was ripped right out from under me. Mixed emotions made my head swim as I sat in his RV. The sad, lost feelings from knowing I’d never see Ziggy again, sadness that we’d never experienced a more intimate connection, and the pure frustration because I had thoughts connected to lust.

  Pushing myself from the sofa, I made my way to the door. “I’m going back inside, Flynn. Do what you want about staying here. Nothing I say will make any difference to a guy like you anyway. You’ll always try to get your way, but you’re wasting your time with me.”

  I pulled on the latch and the door sprung open.

  “Valerie?”

  I stopped and turned to look in his direction. Flynn stood up and walked over to where I was standing.

  “I mean it. I want to help. Despite what you think, I loved Martin. I want to honor his death.”

  We stared silently at each other for about a minute. Neither of us blinked. I slowly nodded my acceptance that he thought he was doing the right thing. I jumped down onto the driveway and called out to Buster. We headed inside and once Buster was settled in bed, I went back to mine. My last thought that night was that it had been more than a day since Adam, Martin and Ziggy had drawn their last breath, and then I cried some more.

  Chapter 14 ~ You have to eat

  Brilliant sunshine streamed in through the window. I hadn’t bothered to close the shutters when I went to bed. When the house phone rang my aunt clomped her way downstairs to answer. There was a phone in my parents’ bedroom and in Kayden’s. I wasn’t sure why she’d gone all the way downstairs to answer.

  Slipping out from between the sheets, I padded through to my bathroom. I felt a mess and what I saw staring back at me was pretty much how I felt, disastrous. Staring blankly at the mirror there was not a thought in my head, until the one question that was circling in my brain like a needle stuck in the same groove came to the surface, How do I live without them?

  “Can you come and speak with your father, Valerie?” Auntie Joan called up to me.

  Spinning away from the mirror I hurriedly ran to my parent’s room and lifted the receiver of the phone.

  “Hello? Dad? How’s Kayden doing? When are you coming home?” My voice quivered on the last sentence, and I tried to swallow back the emotions I was feeling, but it was too late. I sobbed into the phone for my dad to come back. His response was gentle but firm.

  “Valerie. We’re all struggling with being apart. Your Mom and I are doing our best. We hope to be home tomorrow or the next day. There has to be a medical examination of the boys. We know it was an accident, but they were young men, and a cause of death has to be recorded.”

  My father’s voice wavered like he was going to cry and he cleared his throat, “Kayden will be in the hospital for another day at least. You’ll have to be patient because we refuse to come home until we can bring all our boys home.”

  Of course, he was right. He couldn’t fly back just because I needed him. Detaching myself from the grief helped me to see it from my parents’ perspectives. Somewhat comforted by the way he said “all our boys,” I accepted that he should stay in Las Vegas and do what was necessary before he came home.

  “Flynn called me, Valerie. He seems like a good boy. He’s there for you with Joan. Take care of yourself for us. Eat and sleep; it’s important. You may feel you won’t cope with this, Valerie. You will. It takes a long time when you lose someone you love, but you’ll learn to live with it.”

  Hearing my dad say those harsh words made him sound callous. Normally, he’d always tried to smooth the waters for anything that wasn’t that palatable, especially when I was around. When he spoke to me like that, I figured I was no longer his baby. I had to grow up quickly.

  Placing the receiver back on the cradle I wandered back to my room. As passed my brothers rooms, my fingers trailed across their wooden doors and my heart silently screamed ‘why?’ I couldn’t bring myself to open their doors and step inside. I took a deep breath and walked more purposefully into my room and closed the door. Auntie Joan had left meds on my nightstand when I was on the phone. I swallowed them without hesitation.

  Sedated, washed and dressed, I made my way downstairs and once again, Buster jumped and fussed to be let out. Without thinking, I opened the door, and Flynn jumped out of the RV and immediately headed toward me.

  “Did you sleep, babe?”

  “Some.”

  “Have you eaten? You—your aunt? Either of you eaten?”

  I shrugged. The last thing I’d thought about was food.

  “Come inside. Lee’s making some scrambled eggs and bacon. You need to eat.”

  Too tired to argue I trudged inside and sat heavily on the sofa. Flynn sat next to me, lifted my hand and laced his fingers in mine. His touch felt warm,
safe and intimate.

  “I’m here, Valerie,” he murmured softly, squeezing his fingers around mine.

  I didn’t feel emotional. Drugs can do that. I felt numb and calm.

  Lee was introduced to me as Flynn’s assistant. I studied him while he moved around the tiny kitchen area. He was built like a Sherman Tank.

  “Is he your bodyguard?”

  “I prefer close protector.”

  “Whatever, he takes punches that are meant for you,” I said sounding mean.

  “Valerie, he’s never been punched on my behalf. Have you, Lee?”

  “Nah, no one is jealous enough to punch this dude,” he chuckled and glanced at Flynn.

  Flynn smirked knowingly, “Jealous no, mad…maybe. I wouldn’t put it past Valerie to swing a punch at some point. She sure as hell gets mad enough sometimes.”

  “I’d have to feel something for you. I don’t.”

  “Well, Valerie. I don’t think that’s strictly true, but I’m not going to push that button right now. The main thing we need to focus on is getting you strong, babe.”

  Lee placed three plates of food on the table and motioned for me to sit.

  “Eat. I hate seeing food go to waste,” he said making brief eye contact.

  Flynn stood up tugging at my hand, and I realized his fingers were still threaded between mine. I started to pull it away, and his fingers tightened.

  “Don’t. Come over and sit.”

  Without speaking, I stood, stepped over and slid into the chair at the table nearest the window. Flynn sat next to me, never breaking his grasp on my hand.

  “Can I have my hand back to eat or are you going to feed me?”

  He dropped my hand and picked up his fork.

  “So after this, I think we should take a walk. This place is huge I’d like you to show it to me.”

  Flynn stuffed some eggs into his mouth and glanced in Lee’s direction.

  Lee glanced out the window. “More visitors.”

  Doors banged. I counted four of them. There were four people outside. Flynn looked over at me. “Stay there. I’ll get rid of them.”

  Pushing the door open. He jumped down and closed it behind him. Lee looked straight at me. “That guy is golden. You can abuse him all you want, but since he heard the news about your brother, his only thoughts have been about him and y’all. Made the bus driver come straight here. Paid for the rest of the band to go to a hotel and flights home. Six hours straight it took him to get here when he saw what happened on TV.”

  My eyes held his, and we sat silently for a moment. Neither of us backing down with our gaze until I eventually spoke again.

  “Really?”

  “Uh, huh. Now I know you feel like your heart’s being ripped out your chest. It’s your kin n’ all, but that fella over there that’s got your back has none. You’d do well to remember that. What you’re going through, he’s got first-hand knowledge of that. So, even though this is none of my business, I’m making it mine. You might want to cut him some slack for the kindness he’s showing right now.”

  Grief wasn’t exclusive. Lee was right. I’d had no idea what Flynn had been through or what had shaped him to be the way he was. Inhaling deeply, I held it for a second then let my breath out as controlled as I could manage.

  “You’re right. I’m being a bitch, but you don’t know the whole story.”

  “You, the girl in the barn, the way he almost took you even though you were underage? That story?”

  I swallowed awkwardly and coughed. Stunned that Flynn would tell anyone what happened with me. It left me wondering if perhaps I’d meant more to him after all. The click of the latch halted our conversation, and Flynn came back inside.

  “Elsie Hammond, she went to school with Martin? It was her and her family.”

  I nodded. Elsie and Martin were boyfriend and girlfriend for almost two years on and off. Neither of them could admit that they still liked each other after they split up. Martin would have been pleased she showed up.

  “Finished?” Flynn gestured his head at my plate. “Don’t worry, they said they wouldn’t tell anyone I was here.”

  I nodded, and Lee took it away.

  “Let’s get Buster and head out.”

  Flynn reached out his hand, and I took it. It was a small gesture on my part to let him know I appreciated his support. He tugged me out of the seat and led me outside. We walked to the house, and I grabbed the leash from behind the door. I called for Buster then remembered I’d let him out already. I opened the door and called his name, and he came running from the back of the house.

  Flynn and I started walking, and our conversation covered everything from us growing up in the house as kids, the games we played, the music we listened to, and eventually the subject turned to me meeting Ziggy.

  A lump formed in my throat and my chest tightened when I spoke about him. The meds were wearing off. I had no awkward feelings about telling Flynn how Ziggy made me feel. That boy had given me some of the best emotions I’d ever had. He walked in silence beside me, allowing me to tell him as much about Ziggy as I could cope with. I was thankful for his quiet presence, having someone to listen was invaluable.

  Most people don’t want to ask anything or talk about the deceased when someone has died for fear of upsetting the survivors. Nothing can upset us more than losing our loved ones in the first place. If it had been the one thing I had learned from my time with Auntie Joan, it was that talking about the dead to the people closest to them seemed to bring the kind of comfort sympathy cards and tea couldn’t reach.

  Glancing at his watch, Flynn still continued to listen, but steered us in the direction of the house again. We’d started the walk together in an awkward side-by-side kind of way. Each of us keeping their distance from the other, by the time we headed back Flynn’s arm was around my shoulder and I was hugging his waistline. At some point; I don’t remember exactly when, he’d stepped closer and offered his arm out to me. I accepted his offer of comfort without question.

  Seeing another car in the drive, Flynn directed me straight to his RV again, opened the door and stepped inside with me. Lee was watching TV and straightened up in the chair.

  “More visitors, Valerie. There’s been a steady stream since you’ve been gone. That’s the fourth car since you left. Joan took them inside the house.”

  The sound of car doors closing was quickly followed by my aunt knocking on the RV door. Lee opened the door, and my aunt explained they were taking her into town with them for a while. Flynn had stayed out of sight that time. She asked me to stay with Flynn and Lee while it was daylight just in case more people turn up. No one but Flynn ever came to our place in the dark unless they were invited.

  Standing I shook my head. “Thanks for today, Flynn, but, no Auntie Joan. I’m going inside now. I won’t answer the door if they come.”

  “You’re not staying alone, Valerie. I promised your Dad.”

  “Fine. Then you can come and sit in the house. I’m not spending my time in a caravan thing when the house is right over there.”

  “It’s not a caravan,” Flynn said indignantly.

  “Sorry, RV, motor home, whatever. I need to go home.”

  Flynn stood and took my hand. “Fine, then we’ll go back.”

  My emotions were starting to run high again. The meds weren’t doing their job anymore. I stood and meekly followed him back to the house. Once inside, I was at a loss for what to do with myself.

  We sat in silence for about twenty minutes when Flynn asked, “Have you gone into their rooms yet?”

  My head snapped up in his direction and tears sprang to my eyes. “No,” I whispered feeling dismayed at the thought of facing that.

  “It helps. Want to go up there?”

  I shook my head as panic gripped my chest.

  “Trust me, Valerie. It helps. The longer you leave it, the more of a barrier it becomes.”

  “And you became an expert on this stuff when exactly?”

>   “When I was eleven. A lot younger than you are now.”

  Our eyes met, and I saw the flicker of pain and honesty he bore in them as he stared intensely into mine.

  “What happened?”

  “My Dad killed my brother and Mom.”

  My heart stuttered because I hadn’t expected what he said.

  “Oh. My. God. Flynn. I had no idea.”

  The horror of him being young boy who had lived with that burden shook me to my core. Not only had he experienced separation and loss, he had been willing to suffer the grief and all its devastating feelings to come back to offer comfort to us in our time of need.

  “It isn’t widely known, Valerie. My Dad didn’t mean it. I mean he meant to hurt us. He did that a lot. He just threw two unlucky punches, one at my Mom’s temple, and the other at my brother’s throat when he went to help her. He wiped out half of my family in one violent moment of madness. He was drunk. Thankfully, I don’t remember it at all, the memory has been blocked from my mind since the night it happened.”

  Less than a heartbeat later I flung my arms around him in a tight hug. Flynn immediately reciprocated in the same way. We clung to each other desperately in our joint sorrow. It hadn’t occurred to me until Lee spoke earlier, that Flynn really understood what I was going through. When he leaned back, I saw the pained look in his eyes. There was no doubt he knew what I was going through. I buried my face in the crook of his neck as a wave of sadness washed over me. Tears pooled in my eyes and spilled over yet again.

  Flynn pushed me away and stood up. He took my hand and started leading me toward the stairs. “You need to do this, Valerie. Trust me.”

  I tried hard to pull my hand away. “No.”

  Flynn grabbed me by the waist, and the fear of what he wanted me to do made me panic, “Look at me, Valerie. Have I helped you get through the day so far?”