by E. L. Todd
“You shouldn’t have shown me your secrets,” I said. “Now you created a monster.”
He put his arm around my shoulder as we walked out to the parking lot. “My lady is my equal. We’re a team.”
“Last time I checked, you weren’t a feminist.”
“I’m half feminist, half chivalrous.”
“I guess I can settle for that.”
When we reached the cars, we said our goodbyes.
Tom hugged me. “We should do this again. But you can be on my team.”
I chuckled. “That would be fun. I’m in.”
Amber waved at me quickly before she got inside the car.
Cato hugged Lisa for a long time.
“I love her,” Lisa whispered.
“I knew you would,” he whispered back.
That was flattering.
Lisa then hugged me and held me tightly. “Please come over for dinner sometime.”
“Sure,” I said automatically. “I’d love to.”
She gave me another hug before she got into the car with her husband.
Cato pulled me into him as we headed to his car.
“You guys are really close, huh?”
He opened the passenger door and let me get inside before he shut the door. After he came around the car, he got into the driver’s seat. “Yeah, I’d say so.”
“You must have been an astute student.”
“Something like that.” He started the car and got the radio on.
“If I didn’t know they were just friends, I would assume they were your family or something.” I looked out the window and listened to the radio.
“Well…”
I turned back to him, wondering what he meant. “Well, what?”
“I lied before…”
Panic came into my veins. “Lied? What do you mean?”
“They are my parents.” His lips upturned in an involuntary smile. He tried to fight it but he was failing.
“What?” My voice came out as a shriek. I thought of the way I jumped into his arms and wrapped my arms around his neck. I thought of the way I kissed him and sat in his lap. Then I told his mom about how much I liked him…oh god. “I can’t believe you did that!”
He laughed. “I knew you would freak out if I told you they were my parents. I feared you wouldn’t agree to go at all.”
“And that’s my own right!” I kept yelling and couldn’t stop myself.
He wouldn’t stop smiling. “They loved you. Like, really loved you. So, calm down.”
“But I wasn’t ready to meet your parents,” I hissed.
“And you never would have been,” he argued. “I gave you a little push and I’m glad I did. If you really gave this a chance we could have something pretty fucking amazing. You already feel something strong for me and you want to be with me, but you keep me at a distance. You need to stop and let me in.”
I turned back to the window. “It’s complicated…”
“I understand the situation. I really do. But it’s time to let it go.”
I knew what he meant. I knew whom he was referring to.
“You aren’t doing anything wrong,” he said gently. “We’re great together. Let me in—for real. Otherwise, this relationship won’t survive.” He didn’t drive away. The car was on but it was in park. The music played in the background. “Come on, Katarina.”
I didn’t face him because I couldn’t do it. “Take me home.”
He sighed from his side of the car. “Don’t shut me out.”
“Just take me home.”
He didn’t take off. Instead, he sat there for several minutes, waiting for me to say something. When I didn’t, he finally put the car in drive. “I’ll put up with a lot, Katarina. But I won’t put up with it for long.”
***
The only sign of life at the cemetery were the birds. They emitted their high-pitched cries as they bounced around the branches. They called out to one another and sang their song.
I reached the grave where my husband lay. I stared down at it, seeing his name and years lived. The symbol of the armed forces was engraved in the stone. I stood there for a long time as I stared at the tombstone, being silent in his honor.
My favorite flowers were lilies, so I placed them on his grave. He used to bring them home every time he returned from being on leave. It was a tradition that didn’t last long.
The breeze moved through my hair as I stood there. It was hard to believe he’d been gone for five years. It seemed like I just lost him yesterday. But it also seemed like an eternity since I last felt him.
I came to see him fairly often. It didn’t comfort me but it didn’t make me break down in tears either. It was the only connection I had to him on this side of life.
I stood there for a long time, wondering if he knew I was there. Sometimes I felt his spirit move through me, touching my hair or lightly grazing my cheek. It could be just a trick of my imagination but I pretended it wasn’t.
The sun was hot on my skin, making me warm. There were no nearby trees to provide adequate shade. But I would stand there until I was ready to leave. Could I really love another man, even marry him someday? Wasn’t Ethan my only chance of love? Wasn’t that how it was supposed to be? He told me to move on if he ever died, but did he really mean that?
“I’ve always loved that dress.”
I looked up to see Ethan leaning against his tombstone. I knew it was a projection of my mind, a daydream that wasn’t real. But that didn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it. His jaw was scruffy from not shaving, which wasn’t surprising. He always hated shaving. And he wore his typical gray t-shirt and dark jeans. “Why do you think I wore it?”
He gave me a smile that showed all of his teeth. He was too handsome for his own good, and that always made him cocky. He’d been cocky since the day we met at that bar. “With legs like that you need to show them off.”
I stared at him and wished I could touch him. Even now, I still missed that embrace.
His smile faded away. “Sugar, don’t be sad.”
He always called me sugar. He was from the south, so I assumed that’s where he got it from.
He moved away from the tombstone and came closer to me. “You know I love you. So seeing you like this, mourning for me still, breaks my heart. It’s okay to move on.”
“It is?” I felt my eyes burn but my tears didn’t fall.
“It is.” His eyes narrowed on my face, watching the moisture build up in my eyes. “We only had a year together but it was a pretty terrific year. And now I’m gone. You think I want you to be alone forever?”
I shook my head slightly, unable to speak.
“I want you to be happy. Please be happy.”
“Really?”
“Of course. I want you to have lots of babies. So many babies you don’t even know what to do with them.” His smile had returned.
I released a faint chuckle. “Lots of babies, huh?”
“Yeah, and with a good guy. I like Cato.”
“You do?”
“I can tell he loves you. And that’s really all I care about.”
“He does, doesn’t it?” I thought I noticed it but would never admit it.
“Stop holding onto me. You aren’t betraying me or what we had. Let me go.”
“I can never let you go,” I said quietly.
“I’m not asking you to forget about me,” he said. “But I’m asking you to move on with your life. Who you love now doesn’t affect what we had. But what we had shouldn’t affect what you have now.”
I knew he was right. “Okay…”
“Okay?” He smiled wide. “You’re going to finally get off your high horse and stop dragging this guy through the mud? That guy has jumped some serious hoops for you. Give him a real chance.”
“He deserves it.”
“He deserves it because you love him.”
I didn’t deny it. And for the first time, I didn’t feel bad about that.
Ethan looke
d at me with those scorching blue eyes. “Now go live what’s left of your life. You’ve already wasted five years of it.”
I nodded.
“I’ll always love you, Sugar. Never forget that.”
“I love you too,” I whispered.
“Now go love him with everything you have, have a great life together, and make those babies.”
I chuckled even though my throat hurt. “I can do that.”
“Good. Don’t let me down.”
“Never.”
He gave me one final look before he disappeared.
The sound of the birds came back to my ears. The rays of the sun pounded into my skin. And the breeze moved through my strands of hair. Somehow, I knew Ethan wanted me to move on.
I just knew.
***
I asked Cato to come over. He didn’t question my odd request or the weird way I asked it. He just obeyed without question.
He walked inside and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. Judging his stiffness he was still upset with me over the bowling fiasco. I pushed him away when he tried to open up to me. He was integrating me with his family, trying to get me to loosen up and start over. Instead of appreciating that, I pushed him away.
He put his hands in his pockets then looked around my apartment. “So, what’s up?” There was a guarded expression in his eyes, like he feared what I might say or do.
“I wanted to talk to you about something…” I knew I was going to sound like a crazy person when I said it.
He shifted his weight and suddenly became defensive. “If you’re going to break up with me because you aren’t ready for a serious relationship, I don’t accept that. I will never accept that. You’re wasting your time.”
His words surprised me. There were times when it seemed like he didn’t want to put up with me. But he always came back, ready for a fight. “No, that’s not what I was going to say.”
“That’s a surprise.” He didn’t hide his sarcasm.
I fidgeted with my hands, unsure how to verbalize my thoughts. Cato might think I was weird or insane but he might not. “I went to the cemetery yesterday and I talked to Ethan…”
His aggression died away and he watched me with passive eyes.
“He wants me to move on and he wants me to be happy. As long as you’re a good guy, that’s all that matters. Being alone isn’t what he wants. He wants me to have babies and…live my life without mourning him forever.”
Cato didn’t make fun of me or call me crazy. He just listened.
“And he knows I love you.”
He still didn’t say anything.
“So, I wanted you to know that I’m ready to make this relationship work. I’m ready to give everything I have and let you in. That is…if you still want to put up with me.”
His eyes softened and a slight smile stretched his lips. “I’ll always put up with you, no matter how annoying you are.” He approached me then placed his hands on my hips. He looked into my face then rubbed his nose against mine.
An invisible weight left my shoulders, and I finally let my walls come down. The guilt was gone and I let Cato look at me for the first time, seeing all of me. I had nothing to hide and I wasn’t putting distance between us.
“You still want to know why I disliked you so much?”
It was such a random thing to say. But I knew it must have some relevance. “Yes.”
“Then let me show you.”
Cato
Secretly, I feared Katarina would never truly let me in. I thought it would be an uphill battle, constant and difficult to defeat. Every time we got closer to the top, we would roll and fall back down to the bottom. Even when this was a serious possibility, I still tried to make it work.
Because I wanted her.
Now that she met my family and she said she was ready to be serious with me, I thought it was best if I told her the truth. It might bring us closer together. Or it might push her away. But either way, I had to tell her. It was a secret I couldn’t keep for the rest of my life.
I picked her up at eleven thirty in the evening, which was much later than we would normally go out. Around that time, we were normally getting home from a restaurant and preparing for bed. But that was the time it had to be.
She opened the door wearing jeans and a jacket. “I still don’t understand why you have to explain this to me so late at night.”
“You’ll see.”
“Okay.” She yawned.
“Is it past the baby’s bedtime?” I teased.
She smiled then smacked my arm. “Don’t be a jerk.”
I pushed her against the door then gave her a hard kiss. “I’ll be a jerk when I feel like it. And we both know you love it.” I gave her another kiss then dragged her from the apartment.
“I love it sometimes…”
Hand-in-hand we left her apartment and headed to Times Square. The streets were slightly less crowded than normal since everyone was home by now. Having some privacy would be nice.
We crossed the street then reached the sidewalk on the corner. On New Year’s Eve we were in the street, but due to the constant traffic I couldn’t stand on the pavement with her. The corner would have to do.
I stopped and stared at her expression.
She looked around, confused. “Um…okay.”
“This is where they drop the ball every year.”
“I know.” She crossed her arms over her chest and looked up into the sky, where they would normally have it hanging. “So?” She turned back to me.
For better or for worse, here goes nothing. “I wanted to tell you something but I had to do it here.”
She patiently waited for me to elaborate.
“My life before you was filled with girls whose names I’ll never remember, parties where I was so drunk I didn’t even know who I went home with, and threesomes and foursomes. My life was awesome and I never wanted to change it. A few of my friends settled down but I thought they were making the biggest mistake of their lives. Little did I know living without you was the biggest mistake of mine.”
Her eyes softened while she listened to me.
“You already know how I feel about you even though I’ve never actually said it. But that’s how you know it’s real. I don’t need to say the words to prove anything. My actions speak louder. I’ve worked hard to make this relationship work because you’re the prize I was desperate to have. So…I wanted to say those words now.” I swallowed the lump in my throat because I was nervous. I’d never done this before. I’d never felt this way for anyone in my life. “I love you, Katarina.”
Her eyes watered while a weak smile formed on her lips. She seemed moved beyond words and understanding. She blinked her eyes several times to dispel the moisture.
My heart raced as I waited for her to say it back. She never said it to me directly before, and I was eager to hear my words echoed back at me.
“I love you too.”
My heart relaxed and I floated in the air. Knowing she felt the same way I did made all this effort worth it. I didn’t understand why she was the one, but she was. It was an innate truth.
My watched beeped as midnight struck. “I remember what you were wearing the very first time I saw you. You wore a gray beanie to keep your head warm from the cold, and you wore a blood red jacket.”
Her eyes dilated and her face turned pale.
“The first time we met wasn’t in that coffee shop when you hired me. It was here, exactly two years ago. I spotted you in the crowd and thought you were cute as hell. I walked up to you and made my move to charm you. In the end, you charmed me when you told me your new year’s resolution was to eat the different flavors of Oreos.”
She covered her mouth as she gasped.
“Words were said, and we went back to my place and had the best sex I’ve ever had. I fell for you, even then. You were the first girl I met that I wanted to know more about. I didn’t want it to be a one-night stand. I wanted so much more. But when I woke up, you wer
e gone…I never even knew your name.”
Her eyes were wide as everything came back to her. She looked at me with new eyes, seeing me in a different way.
I opened my wallet then pulled out the note she left. The fact I saved it at all told me she meant something to me, meant more than any girl ever would. I handed it to her.
She took it with a shaky hand then read it. “Happy New Year. Every time I eat a root beer flavored Oreo I’ll think of you.” She took a deep breath and read the note again. Her eyes scanned from left to right. “Oh my god…”
“I’ve pursued you so hard because…as crazy as this sounds…I think we’re meant to be together. What are the odds of us meeting on New Year’s Eve? Slim to none. Seven million people live in this city. But to meet again two years later…baffles me. I’ve never believed in fate or divine intervention but…I believe in whatever this is.”
She felt the note in her fingers while she looked at me.
“I was rude to you because I was hurt you didn’t remember me. You didn’t recognize me at all. Not only did that hurt my ego and pride, but it also wounded me. That night meant something to me. And you just left the next morning without even telling me your name…”
She covered her face as the realization hit her. “That’s why you were so upset when I didn’t want to sleep with you…you thought I was leaving you again.”
I nodded.
She looked down at the note again.
“It’s been driving me crazy, Katarina. How could you not remember me?” Did I really want to know? There was no answer that she would give that would make me feel better. I wasn’t memorable to her, plain and simple.
“I was drunk that night. And I have a poor memory when I’m drunk.”
“You were?” I asked in surprise.
“Honestly, I didn’t remember any of that until you got my memory going. I remember standing in Times Square and meeting you, and I vaguely remember the Oreos, but I don’t remember sleeping with you at all. The only reason why I recognize this note is because it’s in my handwriting and has the correct signature.”
Now I felt a little better. She didn’t remember me because I wasn’t worth remembering. She was just out of her mind.